


Musical Expressions Reflected

by freakly



Category: Teen Titans (Animated Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Child Abuse, Domestic Violence, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Physical Abuse, Sexual Frustration, Song Lyrics, Vaginal Fingering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-18
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2018-12-03 18:39:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 88,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11538135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freakly/pseuds/freakly
Summary: Rachel Roth is a normal high school student except for her father's abuse. She's kept it a secret for so long, she doesn't know if she can ever tell anyone. Will her new friends discover her secret? If they do, will they be able to save her?





	1. Fine Line

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans or these lyrics.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Little Big Town, or these lyrics.

* * *

_**"Completely complacent / So decidedly vacant / I keep waiting for something to give / But that something is always me / You consume what you're able / I get crumbs from your table / You call this comfortably normal / But I call it getting by"-Fine Line, Little Big Town** _

* * *

 

What would it be like to be part of a happy, normal family? Is there such …

A loud crash followed by a string of curse words came from the second floor. 

…a thing?

A teenage girl stood frozen in the kitchen. She listened as she tried to calm her breathing. No one was coming, at least not yet. It didn't sound as though his mood had improved from last night. 'I'd hoped to do more before he was awake.'

Indigo eyes caught a glance of the microwave clock. The glowing numbers showed it was a quarter to six in the morning. The owner of those blue eyes sighed. That's an ungodly time to go to school but she knew she couldn't stay here. Not now, not while he's in this mood. As if to prove her thoughts, a deep male voice growled as someone came down the stairs. She knew she had to get out of there. She didn't want another fight.

Once outside, the petite, dark-clad figure hurried across the back yard. After making sure no one saw her, she cut through the neighbor's yard. Walking along the neighboring street, she kicked a pebble and sighed. She thought about sneaking out. Her father probably wasn't upset that she wasn't there. 'He doesn't care what I do as long as he doesn't think I made him look bad. Hope by the time I get home from school, his mood is improved.'

Turning the corner, she checked her watch and sighed again. School was a few blocks away but it was still too early to go there. Everyone might think she a loser but she didn't have to act like one by showing up at school two hours early. What could she do for an hour and a half? Not much was open at this time of day. Not that she wanted to be around people anyway.

So, she did what she usually did. In need of peace and quiet, she went to a park that's along the way. So early in the morning, this park is empty. The teen had her pick of swings. Choosing one, she pulled a book, a sleeve of toaster pastries and my worn-out, mp3 player out of her backpack. This was nothing new to her. She started hanging out in the empty park last year. She knew she had to be careful but no one bothered her; she was often ignored. The girl's been alone ever since she lost her mother. The solitude didn't bother her. By now, she was used to it.

Today was like any other day, especially after one of their "arguments". She hated nights like last night. Her father called them arguments but they're were turning into fights. Fights the girl couldn't win. She didn't think it mattered what she did. She was always wrong; a screw up in her father's eyes.

Last night, they fought about the cost of school, the books and supplies. Money is no object for her father. He has no problem buying things for himself. It's only when she, his daughter, needs something is there a problem.

She rubbed the crook of her arm where her father grabbed her. It's still tender but she didn't think it'd bruise too badly. Until they moved to Jump City, he never hurt her physically. She didn't know why but that's changed.

Sitting in a park eating breakfast, she thought about her thoughts as she left the house. She sighed. She didn't think there was such a thing as a happy, normal family. Someone was always mad at someone. Someone always gets hurt. Why did that have to be her? Gathering her long dark hair and pulling it up into her hood, she continued her breakfast. The park, as usual, was empty except for a lone hooded figure.

The quiet didn't last too long. A group of four high school boys came to the park. Three of them were bullying the forth one. No one noticed her, as usual. The teen tried to ignore them and kept reading. She tried not to listen, but she couldn't help hearing their demeaning taunts. For a little while, she watched them. She thought she recognized the bullied teen. She'd seen him around school. He might have been in some of her classes last year. When she heard the blond boy try to joke his way out of the situation, she knew he was Garfield Logan.

He's the class clown; always joking. The bullies were getting rougher. The hooded girl looked around the park. She wasn't sure what to do. She couldn't sit there and watch this kid get hurt. She knew what her mother would want her to do; she'd want her to help. The girl had stood up to my father, sort of. She winced; her shoulder still hurt from the last time she "stood up" to him. 'There's a chance that between this Logan kid and me we can scare them off.' She put her stuff back in her bag and hoped her baggy sweatshirt and jeans would hide her thin form. She went over to them with her hood still up.

"Hey," she called out, trying to make her voice sound as tough as possible. "Leave him alone."

Everyone turned and looked at her. One of the guys went up to her and said, "What's a scrawny kid like you gonna do?" He shoved her, causing her hood to fall back. Long black hair fell around her shoulders.

'Damn,' she thought, 'now what?'

"What do we have here?" the guy said. "Did your girlfriend come to help you?"

Gar said, "She's not my girlfriend."

'Thanks a lot. I'm trying to help you and you still insult me.'

"Then, maybe, she came to play?" the guy sneered at her. "What do ya say, Sunshine, wanna have some fun?"

"Wow, you are original," she groaned.

"Shut up."

The second guy whined, "But she's that creepy, loser girl."

"So," the first guy said leering, "that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun. We're not gonna do much, just feel some things. You're okay with that right, Sunshine?" Before she could move, he grabbed her elbow.

Gar yelled, "Let her go! She has nothing to do with this!"

"Ow! Let go of me!" She struggled to get free but his grip was tight. Although it wasn't as tight as her father's grip. He had a hold of her in the same spot her father did last night. She knew he was making her bruise worse. She tried to push him away. He grabbed the wrist of her free arm. She repeated, "Let go of me!"

"Yo!" A deep male voice said. "You heard the girl! Let her go!"

Everyone turned to the source of the voice. Two teenaged boys came towards them. One was of average height and had an athletic build. He had black spiky hair. He was wearing sunglasses. The other, the source of the voice, was a tall African-American teen. He was very athletic. Both teens looked angry.

The taller teen repeated, "Let her go! Or do I have to make you?"

The guy holding the girl decided they couldn't win a fight against those two. He let go and shoved her to the ground. He and his two friends ran away.

The two teens that came to her aid, ran over to her. The very tall, very athletic one leaned over her. He offered the dark-haired teen a hand. He said, "Are you ok?"

She accepted his help and shrugged her shoulders, "Yeah, sure."

Gar ran over to them. By now, a teenage girl was now with them. The girl with very long red hair asked, "Are you sure? They did not hurt you?"

Brushing off her jeans she said, "I'm fine" and thinks, 'I've suffered worse from my father.'

Gar said, "Thanks for helping. Sorry you almost got hurt."

She shrugged and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. She picked up her stepped on bag and pulled out a damaged mp3 player. Her shoulders dropped. 'Great! I have to try to fix this one again or somehow buy a new one. To get the money I guess I could skip lunch for a few weeks. Or I could baby-sit for the ever-bickering twins.' She sighed, 'Maybe I should go without mus …'

"Oh sorry," Gar interrupted her thoughts, "want me to replace it since it got broken 'cause you were helping me."

"What? Uh, no, I, I have others," she lied.

"Hello," said the red headed girl. "You are Rachel, correct, Rachel Roth? My name is Kori Anders. Garfield or, Gar Logan is who you tried to help." Gar waved sheepishly to Rachel.

The guy with black hair said, "I'm Richard Grayson. You sure you're alright?"

"Yes."

"I'm Victor Stone. You can call me Vic," said the athletic teen. "Want me to check your wrist; he had a pretty tight grip on you."

Rachel said in a monotone voice, "I'm fine. I should get to school."

Vic asked, "Need a ride?"

Excited, Kori said, "Yes, that way we could talk and get to know one another more. We could become better friends."

Rachel looked at each of them.

Richard said, "You're not worried we'll hurt you, are you? We helped you. Let us give you a ride to school."

"Thanks," said a monotonous Rachel, "I'll walk." She tossed her bag over her shoulder and headed towards school. The four remaining teens stood confused as they watched Rachel walk away.

With hurt feelings, Kori said, "Why does she not wish to be our friend? I want everyone to be friends. We mean her no harm."

"Yeah," said Gar as he scratched his head, "what's her problem? We only want to give her a ride to school."

Richard shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. I guess she's used to being alone."

Vic kept watching Rachel as long as he could. He shook his head. "The girl's hurting. It'll take awhile for her to open up." Everyone agreed. Their thoughts were on Rachel as they went to school. They had all heard the rumors about what Rachel went through at school. They knew she's bullied. They knew what that was like. During different times in their lives, they've each gone through some degree of bullying.

Approaching the school, Rachel eyed the two-story brick building and all the students. She noticed her "friends" from the park have arrived. An excited Kori waved to Rachel. Rachel didn't return the wave; instead, she crossed her arms. She rolled her eyes, 'Great. Second week of school and things are turning out to be wonderful. It's going to be a long year.' She let out a drawn out sigh as she joined the masses entering the school.

Rachel's day continued like any other day. She was taunted and avoided teachers and her tormentors. She avoided her teachers as much as possible. She didn't know what or if they suspect anything about her home life. She was afraid if anyone reported it to the officials; her life would be a living hell. That's why it's better to be alone; no one would know her secret.

But today she was also trying to avoid her new "friends". At least one of they seemed to be everywhere she was. They weren't following but her it seemed that way to Rachel. She was noticing them more. Rachel knew who they were. She knew they were popular; or that was, more popular than she was. There weren't many who were less popular than Rachel. 'Why would they want to be my friends? It must be a trick or a dare,' thought Rachel. She continued her day trying to go unnoticed.

When Rachel got home, she goes home to an empty house. Either her father was working late or he was having dinner with a client. Rachel had a very simple supper. She's not a good cook and she relied on microwave food. Nothing was in the freezer, so she had a peanut butter sandwich. Rachel made her plain meal as her father was having a steak dinner with a client.

Not knowing what type of mood her father would be in; Rachel decided to finish her homework in her room. There she could lock the door and be safe. While reading, she heard her father come home. She heard. him open a bottle of campaign. From the sound of things downstairs, the dinner meeting went well.


	2. Field of Innocence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Evanescence or these lyrics.

_**"I still remember the world / From the eyes of a child / Slowly those feelings were clouded by what I know now / Where has my heart gone? / An uneven trade for the real world / Oh I, I want to go back to / Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all" -Field of Innocence, Evanescence** _

* * *

 

The next morning the sun shined through Rachel's window. Needing more sleep, she pulled her blanket over her head. She knew it was a mistake to stay up so late reading last night.

Just as she was dozing off, there was a knock on her door. Rachel groaned to herself. 'What did he want? If it stay quiet will he think I'm asleep and leave me alone?'

There's another knock. "Rachel, you need to get up. You don't want to be late for school, do you? That wouldn't be good for your second week of school."

Under the blanket, Rachel groaned again as she rolled her eyes. 'He doesn't care about school. What's going on? Why is he acting like a model parent?'

"Rach? You awake?"

"Yes, I'm awake. I'll be down in a few minutes."

Did she just hear her father say he'd have breakfast ready? Rachel threw back the blanket and she stared at the ceiling. 'What's going on? He must be in a good mood. He's paying attention to me and I'm not his punching bag.'

Getting out of bed, Rachel remembered when she was a happy little girl. She smiled as she remembered when her lighthearted laughter filled the house. Back then, her biggest worry was if she could watch her favorite cartoon.

The teen's smile faded. Things weren't like that now. Now things were a mess. 'How and why did every go to hell?'

Standing in front of her floor-length mirror, Rachel's eyes automatically traveled to the bruise on her elbow. That guy yesterday did make the bruise worse. It was now different shades of purple.

Skimming the rest of her reflection, a slight grin formed on her lips. Rachel didn't like how her body looked but she liked the contrast between her long dark hair and her pale complexion. That combination, along with her affinity for dark clothes often got her the labels goth or emo.

She didn't care one way or another about those labels. Rachel knew everyone needed to fit into a category, a group. However, having those labels didn't put her into either of those groups. Instead, she was a loaner. Rachel often thought it was strange that no matter how many people were labeled as loaner, each one was still alone.

Her father called up the stairs, interrupting her thoughts. 'Shit. I've wasted too much time.' Rachel called out that she'd be down in a minute as she quickly threw on some clothes.

This morning was going better than yesterday. She didn't want to mess it up by being late. Before running downstairs, Rachel made sure her door was locked. She didn't have anything "illegal" in her room. She just didn't want her father in her room, going through her stuff.

Entering the kitchen, Rachel stopped in the doorway. She was amazed. Her father made a huge breakfast: pancakes, eggs, sausage, bacon, toast and coffee.

The last time they'd had a breakfast like that was, well, never. They didn't even have this much food for Christmas. It was just the two of them. They didn't need that much. 'What are we going to do with all this food?'

"Good morning, Rach. Sit and have some breakfast." Trigon Roth said as he finished the eggs.

'He's cheerful, almost too cheerful. What is going on?' Rachel was a little suspicious of his good mood. She hated fighting but a part of her feared something was about to happen. She never knew when he'd snap or what would set him off.

"Thanks but, um, I should leave now if I'm going to get to school early."

"Don't worry, I'll take you. Sit and tell me about school. I know I've been busy and haven't asked you about things yet."

Rachel glanced at the door. She wanted to leave but didn't want to start a fight. Dropping her backpack by the back door, she went to the table.

Trigon placed a plate of food in front of his daughter. "So, Rach," he said as he got a plate for himself, "tell me about school."

Rachel looked at her father with slight narrowed eyes. She's glad he didn't notice but she couldn't help herself. She hated that nickname and he knew it. "Well, there's not much to say. I go to classes, get homework and come home." Rachel took a tentative bite of eggs. They were good.

"Aren't you a junior? Shouldn't you be in clubs or something?"

'He doesn't even know what grade his own daughter is in. He knows nothing about me.' After eating a few bites, Rachel said, "Dad, I'm a sophomore and I don't do clubs."

"Then what about friends? Do you have any new friends? You haven't had anybody over for a while."

'I've never had anyone over since we moved to Jump City and that was about two years ago. Before that I didn't have friends over. That's because I haven't had friends for years. Even if I had friends, I couldn't have them over because you could explode at any time. But what do you care.'

Rachel felt that her father was mocking her and that brought out her sarcasm. "Oh yeah, I have so many friends. I'll probably be homecoming queen this year. That's how popular I am." Rachel cringed, 'Oh shit. That came out wrong. Please don't explode. Please don't explode. Please don't …'

"I don't know about popular but I can see you're a smartass." Trigon picked up the paper and began reading it.

Rachel slowly let out the breath she was holding. That was it. He wasn't going to do or say anything more about it. He's going to let it drop.

Relieved, she didn't want another fight. Her mind drifted back to when the physical abuse started. He'd always called her names, belittled her. When Rachel was younger, she didn't understand emotional and verbal abuse. She knew she felt bad but she didn't realize that was abuse. She thought you had to be hit to be abused. Her father never physically hurt her, until that one day. She must have been about thirteen …

_…I sat in the kitchen of our old house. I was alone and glad for that. I was scared …and confused. Dad just hit me. It was more of a slap than a hit and it wasn't very hard. But it still hurts._

_I tenderly pressed a napkin to my split lip. It stung. I hated seeing my blood on the napkin._

_When dad came back into the kitchen, I stiffened. I didn't want him knowing I was hurt and scared. A part of me was afraid of what he'd do. I quickly crumpled the napkin and hide it under my leg. I wasn't fast enough. Even without seeing the napkin, he could see my split lip._

_"Oh hell, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You don't know how hard it is to do this without your mother. Sometimes you make me so angry. You wouldn't stop asking questions. I told you to stop but you wouldn't. I no choice, I had to make you stop asking all those questions."_

_He knelt in front of me. "But you forgive me, right? After all, I said I was sorry. You have to forgive me because I apologized and it wasn't my fault. Don't you forgive me? "_

_I was terrified. He was getting angry. I was also so confused. If it wasn't his fault then whose fault was it? Was it my fault that my father slapped me? Was it because I asked too many questions?_

_He made it seem like I should apologize, not him. It felt wrong to apologize for getting hurt but I didn't want to make him angry again. I was scared of what he'd do this time. There was no way for me to win. I had to forgive him._

_"I, I forgive you." My voice sounded small and distant._

_He sighed and gave me a hug. He didn't notice how I flinched. "I knew you would. I promise this won't happen again." Before he left the room, dad said softly, "Just don't make me angry."_

_Again, I was alone. I was shocked. I couldn't believe that happened. I couldn't believe that happened to me. He'd yelled at me, but never hit me. He thought it was hard without mom. Try growing up without a mom. Try growing up without a mom and with a father who might hate you._

_Scared and confused, I quietly cried …_

…Brought back to the present, Rachel sighed. 'How did my life get so messed up?'

Trigon looked over the paper, at his daughter. "What the hell are you wearing? If it wasn't for your long hair, no one would know you're a girl. Are you a lesbian?"

Rachel almost chokes on her bite of food. "What?"

"Well, look at you. Nobody can even tell you're a girl. Do you like girls, you know, in that way?"

She couldn't believe they were having this conversation. "No, I like boys. They just don't …like …me." Her voice trailed off.

"They might notice you if you stopped dressing like a damn boy." He put down the paper to look Rachel in the eye. "When or if you ever are with a boy, don't get pregnant."

'Oh my God!' Rachel's stunned. Where did that come from? They were having a nice breakfast and now he acted like she was the school slut. "Oh my God! I have to go. I, I have to get to school."

"Fine. Let's go." Trigon got up and grabbed the car keys.

Rachel looked around the kitchen. It was still a mess. Who was going to clean it.

As if he could read his daughter's mind, Trigon said, "Don't worry about it. The house keeper will clean it. If she doesn't, then I expect you to do it after school. You're not busy. Didn't you say you aren't in any clubs. Come on, didn't you say you had to get to school."

Rachel's shoulders dropped. She realized somewhere along the morning, she made a mistake. Or was this left over from their fight the other night. She signed as she followed her father.

The car ride with quiet. They were each lost in their own thoughts. Rachel studied her father as he drove. He was handsome, in his mid forties. His red hair was edged with white along his temples. He had a distinguished look. She knew he attracted looks from women but wondered why he never dated. If he did, she didn't know about it. Did he not want to date because he loved Rachel's mother so much?

Out of the corner of his eye, Trigon noticed his daughter watching him. "What are you looking at?"

"Nothing. Sorry." Rachel turned to look out the window. In the process, she rolled her eyes slightly.

Trigon noticed that. He grabbed her arm. "Damn it, girl, you better not be thinking up a plan to make me look bad." His calm façade quickly faded.

Rachel squirmed. "Dad. Dad! Stop, you're hurting me. Drop me off here. There's just a block to go. Go to work. You're happiest there. I promise I'm not planning anything. I was just thinking …about mom."

Trigon glared at her but decided she's telling the truth. He pulled the SUV to the curb. "Fine. Remember, don't make me angry." He shoved Rachel as she got out.

As he pulled away, Rachel wondered if he thought his life would be better without her being a burden.


	3. Welcome to My Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Simple Plan or these lyrics.

_**"Are you stuck inside a world you hate? / Are you sick of everyone around? / With the big fake smiles and stupid / While deep inside you're bleeding / No you don't know what it's like / When nothing feels alright / You don't know what it's like to be me / To be hurt, to feel lost, to be left out in the dark / To be kicked when you're down / To feel like you've been pushed around / To be on the edge of breaking down / When no one's there to save you / No you don't know what it's like Welcome to my life" - Welcome To My Life, Simple Plan** _

* * *

 

Rachel made her way through the swarm of students to get to her locker. She looked around after dumping some things in her locker and grabbing some books. Everyone was meeting up with his or her friends. Irritated, Rachel slammed her locker shut. She glares with annoyance at the people she passed as she went to class.

Once Rachel got to her English class, she sat in the back corner by the window. As she watched everyone teaming up, she thought, 'How does everyone know everyone else? That could be because I don't talk to anyone. What's the point? Nobody wants to hear what I have to say. I don't care. I don't care about them.' She overheard some of the kids talking about her. Rachel grabbed her notebook out of her backpack. As she stated to doddle, she thought, 'They'll talk about me but never to me. Whatever. I don't need friends. I don't believe in friendship. It's useless.' The teacher, Mr. Silas, entered the room. Everyone took his or her seat.

As class began, Rachel continued to draw. She half-heartedly paid attention. Her thoughts were on breakfast that morning. 'Why was dad in such a good mood? Is it because work is going so well? He's not exactly a happy person and since mom's gone it's much worse. Maybe he met someone. Does he have a girlfriend? If he does maybe he won't bother me as much. Maybe …'

Suddenly, a high-pitched voice said, "Mr. Silas, Rachel's not paying attention."

Rachel looked up surprised. She turned to her right. The source of the voice was Nikki Stanley. She was a cheerleader and one of Kitten Moth's closest friends. Kitten was one of the most popular, bitchiest girls in school. Kitten and Rachel had a mutual hatred for each other. That was a problem for Rachel. If Kitten didn't like someone or something, then her clique didn't like them or it.

Rachel looked over, confused and annoyed. She said in a loud whisper, "What are you doing?"

Nikki said, in a sing-song-y voice, "I'm getting you in trouble."

Angry, Rachel hissed, "You're not paying attention either if you're watching what I'm doing."

Mr. Silas came over to her desk. He stood there wearing a disappointed expression. "Miss Roth, do you know what I'm discussing this morning?"

Rachel started to blush. "Um, I'm sorry, no sir, I don't know."

Mr. Silas said, "So, Miss Roth, what is so important that you can't pay attention to my class? What are you doing, writing a note to your boyfriend?"

The whole class laughed at that idea. Rachel turned a deep shade of red. A mixture of embarrassment and anger caused her to stammer. "Um, no sir, uh, I'm sorry. I …"

"Never mind," said the annoyed teacher, "I want you to move to the front of the class. That way I'll see if you're paying attention to my class."

Fuming, Rachel threw her notebook and book into her bag. She thought about storming out of the class but that wouldn't solve anything. Not only would she get in more trouble but she'd have to face her father's wrath. That was something Rachel avoided whenever possible.

Rachel glared at Nikki as she went to the desk in the front of the class. She dropped into her seat and pulled her hands into the sleeves of her sweatshirt. With her hands clenched in anger, Rachel stared at the desk. Her long black hair fell around her, shielding her from the class. Occasionally, someone snickered but class continued.

Rachel wanted class over. Making her sit at the front didn't fix anything. So enraged, Rachel didn't focus on the class. Instead, her focus was on her anger. When the bell finally rang, she was the first one out the door.

Fuming, Rachel punched a locker. That caused people to look her direction. 'Great. Something else to add to the list that makes me a freak. Relax, calm down. You don't want them to know how angry you are. Remember, showing emotions is wrong.'

When Rachel entered her biology class, she was surprised to see Gar talking to Wally West. Gar's wasn't supposed to be in her class. Was he following her? It didn't matter. Ignoring them, Rachel went to her seat. She pulled out her biology book and flipped through it.

Gar came over to her but she continued to ignore him. She focused on the textbook. After standing there in silence for a minute or two, Gar said, "Uh, hey Rach." She glared up at him. Gar took a step back but continued, "Um, I just wanted to, uh, thank you for helping me yesterday."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "Sure, fine, whatever. It's not like I did anything."

Gar sat down at the desk next to Rachel. He played nervously with the strings of his hoodie. "You did help. You distracted them. You kept them from beating the crap out of me. I'm only sorry you got hurt."

"I didn't get hurt."

Wally came over and heard the last part. "Who got hurt?"

"Nobody." Rachel was irritated.

"Okay, but Rachel was almost hurt."

"What happened?"

"Oh dude, I forgot to tell you." Gar was suddenly excited. "Yesterday some of the Hive 'gang' were trying to get even for the prank I played on them."

Laughing, Wally said, "One of these days, those pranks are gonna get you killed. So what does she have to do with this?"

"Dude, my pranks are awesome. They're legendary. So anyway, yesterday she tried to help me. She appeared like a dark angel, coming to help me."

Rachel rolled her eyes. "Do you know how stupid you sound? What are you doing in this class anyway? You weren't here the other day."

Gar sighed as though he had a great hardship. "There was a mix up with my schedule. They messed up Kori's too. We were scheduled for advanced geometry." Gar dramatically gripped his head. He whined, "Dudes it was awful. It was like living in a nightmare. You have no idea how horrible it was, all those shapes and numbers."

Wally began to laugh hysterically. Rachel shook her head in disbelief. She couldn't believe she risked her safety for this kid. He was ridiculous.

Gar continued, "So, our schedules got changed around. That's why I'm here. But now I have to learn where my classes are again."

Rachel turns back to her biology book while the boys continued talking. 'Ignore them. Talking to me was just a fluke. It means nothing. I need to focus on school. It doesn't matter what dad said this morning, it's better if I don't have friends.' Gar tried to talk to Rachel some more before class started but she ignored him.

After class, while rummaging through his backpack, Gar asked, "So, um, Rachel, would you like to have lunch with us …sometime." His voice trailed off. He looked around the room. "Dude, where'd she go?" Wally pointed to the door. They watched her leave. "I didn't even hear her leave."

As they walked to the cafeteria, Wally said, "She's too quiet. I think she's kinda creepy."

Considering that, Gar agreed. "Yeah, but I think she could be kinda cute if she tried."

"Oooh, you like her."

"Which girl does Gar like?" asked Kori, coming up to their table.

Wally laughed. He liked giving his friend a hard time. "He likes that dark-haired, creepy girl."

"Oh," Kori's green eyes grew large, "you mean he likes Rachel?"

"Who likes Rachel?" asked Richard.

Kori's smile widened seeing Richard. "Gar likes Rachel. Wally just said so."

"You mean Gar likes the girl with long dark hair from yesterday?" asked Vic.

"Auggh!" frustrated, Gar tugged at his hair, "I don't like her. I like Terra."

Vic looked over Gar's head. "Oh, hi Terra." Vic waved to someone behind Gar. Gar spun around, ready to explain but no one was there. "Sorry, man, I was just messin' with ya. But what's this about Rachel?"

After glaring at his friend, Gar said, "I talked with her before class."

"Rachel talked to you?" asked Kori with awe in her voice.

"Yeah, I know, she doesn't talk to anybody. We were kinda talkin' about what happened yesterday."

Kori was confused. "Then why did Wally say you like her? If all you did was talk with her that does not mean you like her."

Wally leaned over the table to tell Kori, "He said he thought she was cute."

Everyone turned to Gar. Kori's eyes sparked with the idea of match making. Uncomfortable, Gar looked around the table at his friends. "No, I didn't, well, um. I uh ,I mean, I didn't mean it like that. I just meant I thought she could be cute. Ya know, like, if she'd smile or laugh and didn't always hide behind her long hair. And wouldn't it be pretty cool if I could do that. Make her laugh, I mean. But that doesn't mean I like her, like her."

Vic laughed, "Man, have you heard some of your jokes?" Everyone at the table laughed. Gar crossed his arms. He tried to glare at them but ended up laughing with them.

* * *

While Gar's friends were giving him a hard time, Rachel sat in the student lounge. Even though, this area of school was an option to have lunch, most kids didn't. That didn't bother Rachel. She was glad to be alone. She didn't know why Gar and Wally talked to her but she knew it wasn't likely to happen again.

She sighed as she pulled from her bag a baggie of pretzels and her copy Wicked: The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West. It was her fifth or sixth time to read the book. After reading for a few minutes, and voice interrupted Rachel. "Hi, can I sit at your table?"

Rachel looked up from her book and saw a girl with short curly dark hair standing next to her table. Glancing around, Rachel saw eight other tables that were empty. "Um …" Before Rachel could say anything else, the girl sat down.

"Hi, I'm new here. Just moved from Ohio. My name is Halie Suzann Rita-Marie Daily. You can call me any combination of my name. I'll answer to anything. My personal favorite is Halie Daily, because it rhymes. But like I said, I'll answer to anything. My dad calls me Suzie. So, what's your name?"

Rachel glared at Halie. Why was this girl bothering her? "Rachel," she finally said flatly and turned back to her book.

"Ooo, I love that name. There are so many ways to spell it. How do you spell your name? You know, if you spell it R-A-C-H-E-A-L and you take out some letters. Then you're 'real'. Get it? Take out the A-C-H and leave off the …"

Rachel sighed, "I get it and I'm not 'real'. Besides, what does it matter how I spell my name."

"It's doesn't. I just think it's neat."

"Why are you sitting here? Can't you sit at another table?"

"I can't."

Rachel sighed again, "And why not? They're empty."

"There are other people sitting there." Halie was deadly serious.

Rachel looked around at the empty tables, then back at Halie. Irritated, she rolled her eyes. No one was leaving her alone. She tried to read but Halie talked non stop.

"So, are you new here too?"

Rachel slammed her book closed. She couldn't read anymore. "No. Why?"

"Well, I question why you're wearing a sweatshirt. I'm thinking if you just moved from someplace cold, you'd still have cold weather clothes. Because it's pretty warm here, even though it's September. So, it's either that or …maybe …"

"It's because I'm always cold." Rachel could sense Halie wasn't going to drop the subject. Rachel had to tell her something because she didn't want her guessing the real reason for her sweatshirt.

Rachel groaned and dropped her head down into the table. Her answer started Halie on the subject of strange family medical conditions. 'Oh God, she's never going to shut up, is she? Why was I lucky enough for her to find me? When is lunch going to be over? I've never in my life, looked forward to P.E. Oh please don't let her be in that class.'

When Rachel went to gym class, she was lucky; no Halie. Once again, Rachel conveniently forgot her gym clothes. She did what ever she could so she wouldn't have to participate. She hated sports; both watching and playing them. First of all, she didn't think she's coordinated enough to do sports. But most of all, Rachel was afraid someone would see the bruises. The bruises her father made.

Rachel's history class was uneventful. At first, she was surprised to see Kori enter the classroom. Rachel held her breath. Would the joyful teen come over and talk to her? She was relieved when Kori gave Rachel a slight wave before taking a seat towards the front of the class. That's when Rachel remembered Gar saying how their schedules were messed up.

When the final bell rang, Rachel was slightly glad. There's was only two more days until the weekend. She'd be glad to be away from all the irritating students. But two days at home, if things went wrong, could be hell.

Rachel walked home alone, as usual. When she entered the kitchen her shoulders dropped. It was still a mess. The house keeper didn't clean it. Rachel was angry. Now she'd have to clean it before Trigon got home.

Rachel suddenly had a realization. 'Today's Wednesday. The house keeper doesn't come on Wednesdays and he knew that. He did this on purpose. He made this mess so I'd have to clean it. If I don't do it then that gives him a reason to get mad and hit me.'

She yelled into the empty room, "Auggh! I really hate him!"

She had a little over three hours to completely clean the kitchen. Rachel hoped that would be enough time to clean the mess. The teen looked around the room trying to decide where to start. She sighed, "Well, I might as well have some fun while I do this." She turned on the radio. She found a local rock station and turned up the volume. As she tackled the dried eggs and pancake batter, those were like cement, she sang along with the songs.

Almost three hours later, Rachel was done washing all the dishes and pans. The stove, oven and floor were now clean. She didn't know how her father made such a mess. With everything washed, dried and put away, Rachel looked around the kitchen. It looked as it should. Before leaving the room, she turned off the radio.

Grabbing her backpack, Rachel went up to her room. She was so tired she forgot to lock her door. Exhausted, she flopped down on her bed. With her hair splayed out on her bed, Rachel just laid there with her eyes closed. Being still felt good.

Suddenly, Rachel sat up. "The radio. I forgot to change the radio. He'll be home any second."

Relieved she didn't lock her door, Rachel raced down to the kitchen. When she turned on the radio, rock music blared out of it. Quickly she turned it down the turned it to the station her father had it on. She made it just in time.

The phone rang just as Rachel turned off the radio. She jumped. After taking a second to calm her nerves, Rachel answered the phone. It was her father.

"I'll be home late. You'll have to fend for yourself tonight, okay?"

"Yeah, sure, I'll be alright." She thought, 'That's alright with me. I wasn't in the mood to spend the evening with you anyway.'

Before hanging up, Trigon had another question. "Did the house keeper clean the kitchen?"

Rachel rolled her eyes. She knew that he knew the house keeper wouldn't be a the house today. "Don't worry, it's clean."

After hanging up the phone, Rachel grabbed her dinner, a apple and a bottled water. She went up to her room. This time she didn't forget to lock her door. She put her light dinner in her backpack. Taking her bag to her window, she opened the window as far as it would go. Rachel put her backpack outside the window. She climbed onto the sill. Once again, she was thankful for the porch roof being outside her window. Rachel carefully climbed out onto the porch roof with her bag. She sat on the roof with her back against the house.

Rachel sighed. She was alone at last.

The sun was setting and the light breeze played with her long hair. Rachel watched the sky turn to night. Once it was too dark to see anything Rachel closed her eyes. The peace and quiet had a calming effect on the indigo eyed girl.

If anybody watched her, they might think she was asleep. That wasn't the case. Rachel wasn't asleep. She was trying to keep her emotions in check. She wanted to suppress the anger, annoyance and irritation of the day. She also had sadness and rejection that she didn't want to feel. Those negative emotions, she had to keep them suppressed. Bad things could happen if she let herself react to them.

Happiness and love weren't things Rachel often felt. Hope was also included in the emotions she tried to suppress. It didn't matter how much she might need them, she couldn't let them surface. As far as Rachel was concerned, her emotions just caused trouble and messed things up. They caused trouble for her.

The best thing she could do, the best way to protect herself was to hide all of her emotions.

Rachel sat like that for a few hours, until she heard Trigon's SUV in the driveway. She grabbed her backpack with the untouched apple and water. She quietly climbed back into her room and shut her window just in time.

Trigon knocked on her door. "Was everything alright tonight?" He asked through the closed door.

"Yeah, there were no problems. I'm finishing some homework. I'll go to bed soon." Hearing him walk away, Rachel lets out a sigh of relief. Stifling a yawn, she decided to go to bed. She could finish things in the morning.

As Rachel drifted off to sleep, she realized Trigon never said anything about the kitchen. 'Guess it was too much to say it looked good. Who will bother me tomorrow? How will I be tormented? I'm so tired of trying to avoid everything.'


	4. Thoughtless

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Evanescence or Korn or these lyrics.

_**"Why are you trying to make fun of me? / You think it's funny, what the fuck you think it's doing to me? / You take your turn lashing out at me / I want you crying when you're bloody down in front of me / All of my hate cannot be bound / I will not be drowned by your thoughtless scheming / No, you can try to tear me down / Beat me to the ground, I will see you screaming" - Thoughtless, Evanescence (a Korn cover)** _

* * *

 

The next week or so, things continued the same for Rachel. She still had trouble with Kitten's friends and Halie followed her. That girl talked constantly.

One day, Rachel was frustrated with her "friend". If Rachel didn't know any better, she'd think Kitten was using Halie to torment her. "Why do you have to follow me? Don't you have anyone else to bother? If I'm the one you choose to be your only friend, then you're really pathetic."

Undaunted by Rachel, Hailey said, "Oh, I have others friends. I'm following you because I want to see you do something." Confused ,Rachel stared at her. Halie looked around the make sure no one was listening. She continued in a whisper, "I want to see you walk through walls."

"What?" Rachel was very confused. 'What is this girl talking about?'

Halie explained, "I saw something about people who are part human and part alien." She stopped to think. "Or was that part angel, or part vampire? I think it was part alien. I don't know, I can't remember." Halie waved away her confusing thoughts. "But it doesn't really matter. Anyway, there are partial humans who have the incredible ability to walk through walls. You fit the description perfectly. You're very pale and have long dark hair. Although, you should have white streaks. Add the fact that you're moody all the time." Rachel rolled her eyes. "And you don't talk to many people. You are very mysterious and secretive. I know you're trying to hide the fact that you can walk through walls. You know what? You also remind me of Solaria, the spirit princess from Space Wars."

Rachel glared at Halie after that lengthy explanation. "I walk through doors, nothing else."

Halie laughed, "That's okay. I promise I'll keep your secret."

Frustrated, Rachel groaned, "Why won't you go away? You said you have other friends, right? Go eat lunch with them."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I promised my mom I'd hang out with you. When I told her about you, she felt sorry for you. She told me I have to be your friend since you don't have any."

Rachel didn't want this girl or her mother feeling sorry for her. It was so humiliating. She had to say or do something to make this girl leave her alone. "I, um, I have …friends. I'm just not hanging out with them …right now."

Rachel sighed, realizing how lame that sounded. She wasn't doing herself any favors. What was she going to do? That's when Rachel noticed Vic and Gar joining Kori and Richard. She had an idea and hoped it would work. Rachel nodded towards the four teens. "They're my friends but …"

Halie gasped, interrupting her. "They are your friends? Wow. I'm new here but even I know they're pretty popular. I'm kinda surprised all of you are friends."

Rachel held her breath, hoping Halie wasn't seeing through her story. If she did, Rachel knew she'd never get free from Halie.

"Ooh, I see, you're the strange one of the group. Every group has one. You're the 'basket case' like in The Breakfast Club."

Rachel rolled her eyes and growled to herself, 'I'm the strange one? Halie is completely crazy. If I don't lose her soon I'll go insane. God, I hope this works.'

When Rachel walked up to the four friends they stopped talking. The teens all looked at one another. "Hi," was all Rachel said as she stood there and they wondered what she wanted.

Gar was the first to speak, "Hey, Rachel, what's up?"

After taking a deep breath, Rachel said, "Um-sorry-about-before-maybe-we-could-all-have-lunch-or-something-anything-to-get-me-away-from-Halie." She gasped after that long strung together sentence. The others looked at her like she'd sprouted wings and a unicorn horn. Rachel tried again, this time a little slower, "Lunch, all of us, maybe, please."

The others broke into a smile. Gar thought Rachel was mad at him for bothering her before biology class last week; she's ignored him every since.

Rachel looked over to Halie. 'See? I have friends.' Halie smiled and shrugged her shoulders. She went to join her friends. Seeing that Halie was gone, Rachel said, "So, about lunch, maybe we could do it next week or something."

"What?" said Gar, "I thought you said we'd have lunch today."

Rachel shrugged, "I changed my mind."

"Please, Rachel, have lunch with us," Kori clasped her hands in front of her. "We could discuss our history class and maybe …"

Rachel interrupted the red headed girl, "Sorry, I have other things to do." She turned to walk away.

"Are you going to be with your 'friends'?" asked Richard. Rachel stopped in her tracks. "You brought up lunch. It was your ideas. Why don't we just have lunch today? It's just lunch, nothing serious."

Rachel looked at them suspiciously. 'What if it's a trick?'

As if he's reading her mind, Gar said, "You think we'd trick you? You know I know what it's like being bullied. I wouldn't do that to someone else. I hope someday we can be friends."

Kori agreed. "Yes, we only wish for friendship. We are hoping you will have lunch with us."

Rachel crossed her arms, "I don't need any more friends."

Everyone looked uncomfortable. They looked at one another, trying to decide who should tell Rachel what she already knew, she didn't have any friends. Richard cleared his throat, "Uh, Rachel, we've kind of noticed you, um you don't, er, um … you're, um …"

Angry, Rachel said, "What? I'm a loser, a loaner, pathetic?" She thought of herself in those terms but it hurt and made her angry that others did too.

Vic said, "We're just worried about you. We've heard and seen how others treat you. That's just not right."

'Why should you be so concerned?' The whole situation was irritating her. It's obvious they weren't going to let this drop so she said, "Fine. If I eat lunch with you today, will you promise to leave me alone after this?" Everyone nodded yes. Rachel muttered to herself, "I'll probably live to regret this." To the others, she said, "Okay, I'll do it."

Smiling, Gar said, "What'd ya say?"

Rachel glared at him, "You heard me."

Vic said, "Nope, didn't quite hear ya. Would ya mind repeatin' your answer?"

With a clenched smile, Rachel sighed and said, "I said fine, I'll have lunch with you. Today. Only. Then you'll leave me alone."

Kori clapped her hands. "Wonderful!" She grabbed Rachel in a bear hug.

Rachel's surprised by Kori's strength. The girl didn't look like she'd be as strong as a weightlifter. She struggled to get free. Gasping to breathe, Rachel tried to speak, "Kori-stop-breathe-need-air."

Seeing that Rachel's face was turning red then blue, Vic said, "Hey, Kor, ease up. Let the girl get some air." Kori let go of Rachel.

Gasping for air, Rachel said, "Now I know how it feels to be attached by a boa constrictor." To Vic, she asked, "Is Kori always this, um, enthusiastic about lunch?"

Vic chuckled, "Kori's enthusiastic about life. Her emotions are sometimes intense. She wears her heart on her sleeve. You defiantly know what she's feeling."

Rachel wasn't sure if she could be around Kori at all. The girls were complete opposites. Rachel was thinking about that as they walked down the hall. Laughing, Kori grabbed Rachel's hand and pulled her to the cafeteria. The guys followed.

When Rachel sat at their table, everyone in the cafeteria stopped to look at them. Kori shook her red head and said, "Ignore them. They can be such goober brains. You will sit with us again, will you not?"

"Whoa, I said I would have lunch with you guys once," said Rachel as she shook her head. "I only agreed to this lunch."

"Well-l-l, I was kind of hoping if you liked us, you would join us again and often."

Rachel glared at them before rolling her eyes. "I don't know. I don't think this is a reoccurring thing."

"Please."

Rachel looked around the cafeteria. A few people were still looking their way and whispering. "I don't know. Enjoy today, this one time."

They talked some about their classes. They discovered that Richard and Rachel were both taking French. Their classes were at different times but agreed If one of them needed help, the other one might be able to help.

For the most part, they talked about school, friends and things outside of school. Since Rachel didn't have anything to add, she just listened. Besides, the others did enough talking so there wasn't gaps of silence.

Gar was explaining one of his video games when a girl with a head full of bouncy, blonde curls came up to their table. With a disgusted tone, she said, "What is she doing here?"

Richard sighed, showing his irritation. "Go away, Kitten."

"But Richie-poo, she doesn't belong with people like us. She might be okay for some of the others." Kitten waved her hand at the rest of the table. Was she hinting that Richard's friends weren't good enough for her? "We are important. She's just a loser. Why'd you let a loser sit at your table?" whined Kitten.

Before anyone else could say anything, Rachel said in a bored tone, "If they'd wanted a real loser, they would've already asked you to sit with them."

"Richard, are you going to let her speak to me like that?"

"Kitten, go away. We went on one date. I'm not your boyfriend. I don't have to defend you and I'm not going to do that. Not that you need defending. You started it by coming over here."

Kitten was shocked. How could Richard take someone like Rachel's side. No one spoke to her like Rachel did, at least not to her face. The blonde's mouth hung open with disbelief.

"Careful, Kitten, you might want to close your mouth," said a monotone Rachel. You're going to let all that hot air that's in your head. If your head deflates then that would make for a bad hair day. Wouldn't it be the end of the world if you had a bad hair day?" Everyone at their table laughed.

Kitten turned to storm off but ran right into an unsuspecting student. "Watch! Where! You're! Going!" Kitten yelled at the guy. The whole cafeteria laughed. Rachel was relieved that she wasn't the reason for everyone's laughter.

Rachel had P.E. after lunch. She was about to sneak away when she heard her name. "Roth, where do you think you're going?" Rachel grimaced before she turned around to face Coach Evans, her P.E. teacher. She opened her mouth to speak but he stopped her. "I hope you're going to class. I've made sure you have gym clothes. And you look well enough, except for your sour expression. You are participating today. No excuses." He handed Rachel gym clothes and sneakers then turned to the girls' locker room. He stood next to the door, waiting for Rachel to go through the doorway. "I'll expect to see you ready for class in five minutes."

As Rachel went into the locker room, she glowered at him. He was one of the reasons why she hated this class. Coach Evans hadn't done anything specifically to make Rachel hate him and his class. It's just that he was all about sports and she hated sports.

Rachel wrinkled her nose as she entered the room. It smelled like sweat. Another reason to hate gym class. Everyone stopped talking and stared at her. She took her things to a quiet corner. Sighing, Rachel changed into sweatpants, t-shirt and sweatshirt. She was tying her shoe when Kitten walked up to Rachel, "So, Little Miss Freak is going to do something normal? Something the rest of us have to do? What have we done to deserve this honor?" Rachel rolled her eyes as she walked past her. Kitten grabbed Rachel's arms. "Speak to me when and only when I want you to."

Rachel simply said, "This isn't my choice. Believe me, the less I see of you the better." She pulled her arm free and reluctantly went to join the class.

Kitten was angry. "How dare that freak be rude to me? I'll show her not to make me angry." An idea came to her. She knew how to put Rachel in her place. Kitten left the locker room with an evil grin on her face.

In class, while everyone was more or less playing flag football, Rachel stood on the sidelines. Even when she was picked, she stood off to the side on the field. She had no interest in participating but no one cared.

Class had about fifteen minutes left when Nikki ran up Coach Evans. From where Rachel stood, she couldn't hear what Nikki had to say but she noticed the annoying girl glanced between her and Kitten. Rachel was curious. What were they up to?

Coach Evans nodded his head and Nikki walked back to the school. Kitten and her friends clustered together. Occasionally, someone looked her direction and laughed. That peaked Rachel's curiosity but she wouldn't let them know that. She crossed her arms and glared at everyone.

With a sickening- sweet sing-songy voice, Kitten called out, "Coach Evans, could the girls go in early. It's so hot out here. We need the extra time to get decent for our next class. Please."

The coach thought about it for a moment. Kitten fluttered her eyelashes. He checked his watch and sighed, "Okay, the girls can go in. Guys, why don't you run a couple laps before going in."

Kitten flashed a thousand-watt smile. "Thanks, Coach Evans, you're the best." Kitten and her friends headed back to school giggling. Rachel's suspicious of them.

Kitten and her friends waited until everyone else left the locker room to corner Rachel. "Leave me alone," growled Rachel.

"Ha, stupid freak," said Kitten, "Think I'm just gonna give you a pass, let you go without any consequences for that little speech you made at lunch?" Kitten paced back and forth in front Rachel. "You need to learn a lesson. You do what I say. I'm in control here. I rule this school. And you are nothing. You are nothing but a stupid, creepy freak."

"Fine. You're the queen or whatever. Just leave me alone." Rachel sounded more annoyed than afraid.

Kitten stopped pacing. "Hmm, queen you say? I like that." Kitten stood proud and flipped her curls. "I'm your queen. Wouldn't that make you one of my subjects?"

"What are you talking about?"

"As my subject, you should kneel before me."

"What? No way, I'm not kneeling for you."

"I really think you should. Girls."

Kitten's friends pushed down on Rachel's shoulders. Rachel growled her protests. With some effort, they finally forced Rachel to her knees. She needed to look up at Kitten to confront her. "What the hell! What do you think you're doing?"

"You said I was the queen."

"Queen of the Bitches, I guess," Rachel glowered at Kitten.

"Fine, if that's how you wanna be. I thought I could just force you into submission. But it looks like I'm gonna have to humiliate you." Rachel could feel the panic building in her. What was Kitten going to do? "Oh well, I'm kinda glad it turned out this way. Okay, Nikki, now."

Rachel couldn't see Nikki but she had a bad feeling the annoying girl was behind her.

Kitten's friends let go of Rachel. They stepped away but she didn't have time to get up.

Rachel screamed and tried to cover her head as something cold, wet and sticky was poured over her. The liquid, a soda, dripped down her hair and seeped under her collar.

"Auggh! What the hell! Damn it, Kitten! What … Why …"

Kitten and her friends laughed as Rachel pushed the liquid out of her face. They were hysterically laughing when Nikki poured more soda on Rachel.

"Who knew you were so klutzy?" said Kitten as she tried to recover from her laughter. "You should clean yourself up. And hurry, you don't wanna be late for your next class." Before exiting, Kitten turned back to Rachel. "Don't bother telling anyone about this. I'll deny it. Besides, do you really think anyone would believe you and not me? Remember, I rule this school and I can ruin you."

Kitten left Rachel sputtering and shaking with anger and from the cold liquid. She hated those girls, especially, Kitten. Rachel didn't know how to get Kitten to leave her alone.

Kitten was right about one thing, she had to clean up. She couldn't go to class like this. Her hair was dripping wet with soda. It also soaked through her clothes. She couldn't sit through class like that. She couldn't face the laughter and stares she was sure to bring.

What should she do? What could she do?

Rachel spotted the showers. Could she take a shower? Should she do that? She wondered if that was a possibility. Rachel thought about it. There were towels. She couldn't find any shampoo but she didn't need that; she just needed to rinse out her hair. If Rachel didn't need something to wash out her hair, she could use hand soap from the sinks. It wasn't the best option but it'd work for the moment. Afterwards, she could change into her gym clothes.

Knowing she'd be late for her last class, Rachel turned on the water then stripped from her sticky wet clothes. He warm water felt good. She was right, she just needed to rinse out her hair. If it wasn't so long, she could've done that in a sink. That would've been impossible, the sinks were tiny and Rachel's hair was almost to her waist.

Turning off the water, Rachel wrapped a towel around her. She didn't take too long. The shower only lasted a few minutes. If she hurried, she'd only miss a few minutes of her history class.

Rachel tried to open the door but it wouldn't open. She shook the door but nothing happened. It wouldn't open. What was she going to do? She didn't want to call for help. How would she explain why she was in the shower stall? It would be so humiliating to have someone find her like that.

Minutes passed and Rachel wondered how long it would take before someone noticed she wasn't in class. Would anyone even notice she wasn't there? She shivered, "I hate that bitch, Kitten. When will I get out of here?" She kept trying the door but it wouldn't budge. "Damn it, Kitten, what'd you do to this door?"

After what felt like hours Rachel had a thought, 'Kori, Kori's in my class. Maybe she'll come looking for me. Maybe, she'll …I'm kidding myself. Nobody's going to be looking for me.' After several minutes, hours, days, it felt like forever, Rachel thought she heard a noise. 'Is someone coming? Should I call out? It'll be so humiliating to be found like this. Oh screw it, I want out.' She banged on the shower stall door, hoping to get someone's attention. "H-help. H-help-p!"

Someone came into the girls' locker room. A girl's voice said, "Hello is someone there?"

'Oh my God, I think it's Kori.' Rachel called out through chattering teeth, "K-k-kor-ri, is th-a-at-t you?"

Kori looked under a shower stall. She saw two white feet with black nail polish. She called out, "Rachel, is that you? What are you doing in here?"

Rachel was relieved, she was getting out. "K-kori, the d-door is s-st-tuck." Kori threw a towel over the door. Trying to get warm, she draped the other one over her shoulders.

Kori's trying to get the door to open but she's having trouble. "I cannot get it to open. I will be right back. I have to go get the guys." Rachel groaned. Soon Kori came back with Vic, Gar and Richard. She's telling them how she found Rachel.

As Vic worked on the door, Gar said, "Dude, what happened?" Rachel wondered, 'Did he just call me dude or is he talking to Vic?'

The door was finally opened. Rachel stepped out of the shower stall relieved. She stood there with towels wrapped around her and her wet hair hanging down her back. She looked uncomfortable and nervous. She said quietly, "Um, thanks for getting me out."

They started talking at the same time. They wanted to know what happened. Rachel shrugged and said, "I don't know. I guess the door got stuck."

"But why were you taking a shower?"

"I, uh, spilled soda all over me."

"How'd ya do that? Where'd ya get the soda?" wondered Gar.

"I'm a klutz, okay," Rachel wanted to change the subject. She didn't want them knowing what Kitten did to her. "Um, would you mind going? I, um, I want to get, uh, get dressed." Everyone left to give Rachel her privacy.

Going over to the locker with her clothes, she was shocked to find it open and empty. "No, no. Oh no, damn it! This is not happening. No!" Angry, she slammed the locker door shut. That caused the other to run back in. She told them her gym clothes were missing. She didn't even have her wet clothes to put back on.

Vic asked, "You're sure this is where you left them?"

Rachel snapped, "Of course. I don't participate in P.E. much but I should know where I left my clothes." She sighed. "Sorry, I'm just …I'm gonna be so late getting home. And now I can't find my clothes." Angry tears formed in her eyes. She quickly wiped them away. She couldn't let anyone see her cry.

"Don't worry, we'll help you find 'em," said Vic. The five teens searched the girls' locker room. Rachel was grateful to be the one to find her panties. Soon everything was found; except for one thing.

"I think I found it," Gar said. He was blushing. He held up a bra.

Rachel's eyes grew large with terror. Severely blushing, she snatched her bra from Gar. She muttered a quick thanks before rushing to a stall to get dressed.

Stepping out of the stall, she was dressed. Completely covered from head to toe. Checking the clock, she groaned. "I'm gonna be so late. My dad's … ugh, I can't be late again."

Hearing that Vic asked, "Wanna a ride?"

Rachel bit her bottom lip, trying to decide.

"It won't be a problem."

"Are you sure? I don't want make you go out of your way."

"Nah, it's OK, I don't mind."

"Um, OK, as long as your sure." They all went to Vic's car.

On the way to her house, she said, "Um, thanks. I mean thank you for helping me get out, finding my things and for the ride. And, uh, sorry about lunch. Maybe, if you don't mind, we could try lunch again?"

Kori clapped her hand cheerfully. "This is wonderful. I am making a new friend." Rachel gave her weak smile before getting out of the car. Walking to the door Rachel thought, 'I guess I have some friends.' She sighed. 'What am I getting myself into.'


	5. Because of You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Kelly Clarkson or these lyrics.

_**"I loose my way / It's not too long before you point it out / I cannot cry / Because I know that's weakness in your eyes / I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh / Every day of my life / My heart can't possibly break / When it wasn't even whole to start with / Because of you / I never stray too far from the sidewalk / Because of you / I learned to play on the safe side / So I don't get hurt / Because of you / I find it hard to trust / Not only me, but everyone around me / Because of you / I am afraid" - Because of You, Kelly Clarkson** _

* * *

 

Rachel slowly began to settle in with her new friends . She was still quite, just listening. Whenever she did speak, Rachel was careful not to share anything too personal. They might be friends but she didn't feel comfortable enough to open up to them much.

Rachel decided to never ask them personal questions. She didn't know if they noticed that or not. She didn't care. All she knew was if she didn't ask them then that decreased the chances of them asking her questions. Besides, it didn't matter. Each of them freely told Rachel about parts of their lives.

Rachel also figured, if she didn't have anything to say, why speak just to make a fool of herself. The truth was, if Rachel admitted it, she was afraid. She was afraid if she let people get close then she'd get hurt. Rachel was afraid of being hurt more than she had been.

Rachel noticed Richard seemed a little guarded. She wondered why he held things back. She doubted he had a secret like hers. He was too popular, too confident, too tough to let something like abuse happen to him. Still, Rachel wondered why she sometimes saw a hint of dark shadows cloud his features.

The quiet teen was surprised by how she felt around Richard. She's never felt that way before. Could she like him? She didn't know. Maybe she just wasn't used to his kindness. Although, Gar and Vic were also kind to her and she didn't feel the same way towards them. Vic was protective, almost like a brother. And Gar was just a goofy friend trying to make her laugh. But with Richard, he seemed to understand why she was slow to open up to them. Of course he didn't know the reason for her hesitation.

If Rachel did like Richard, could it be possible for him to like her? She didn't know. She's never before felt the beginnings of a crush. Rachel's never had boys for friends let alone a boyfriend. As she listened to her new friends, Rachel watched Richard. She wanted to smile at him but every time he looked at her she felt flustered. She felt her face getting warm. Why did she have to act like an idiot? Did Richard think she was an idiot? Did he know she might like him?

Watching Richard, Rachel was crushed when she noticed one day that he seemed focused on Kori. Kori returned the fascination. Rachel watched as they awkwardly flirted with one another. Of course, they weren't as awkward as Rachel was at flirting.

Of course, Richard would be interested in Kori and not her. Rachel was reserved and new to friendships and Kori was outgoing. There was nothing Rachel could do to complete with the redhead girl. Maybe she should be satisfied with his friendship.

* * *

 

One day, when their history class ended, Kori came over to Rachel. "Rachel, would you care to work with me for the paper we must write? We could go to the library. Afterwards, we could do the hanging out."

Rachel was surprised. She only sat with them at lunch and sometimes got an occasional ride home. That was the only time they hung out. "I don't know, Kori. I think I have other things to do."

Kori frowned. "We both have to work on this paper. You have to do research, do you not?" Rachel nodded. "Well, then you could ride with me to the library. We do not have to spend time together after studying, if you do not wish. Please? Say we will work together?"

Rachel sighed, "Okay, guess we can go to the library." Kori began to clap. The dark-haired teen gave Kori a look that made her stop. Instead, Kori simply had a large grin. She was finally getting a chance to get to know her new friend.

"I need to stop at my house before going to the library," continued Rachel. "I didn't think I'd be going there today and need to get a book I have to return."

As Kori drove, the redhead did most of the talking: school, movies, music and shopping. Rachel just nodded or gave one word answers. She hoped her father wasn't home. When they arrived at Rachel's house, she's relieved. Trigon wasn't there so Kori could go inside with her.

Inside, Kori looked around. "Your home is beautiful."

Rachel glanced around her home. It was beautiful. It looked like a model house, everything was in its place. Everything was perfect. Perfect, except there were no family pictures. There were some generic pictures but nothing special. There was nothing really personal about the place.

"Uh, yeah, I guess. Thanks. So, um …" Rachel wondered, 'Now what? What do I do? I don't know what to do when a friend comes over. I was maybe eight or nine, the last time I had a friend over. I don't know what to do.' To Kori she said, "Um, want something to drink or eat?"

Not sensing Rachel's uneasiness, Kori cheerfully said, "Yes, I will have water and whatever you are going to have for a snack." Rachel grabbed two waters from the fridge. She motioned for Kori the follow her upstairs.

Unlocking her bedroom door, Rachel explained, "I keep snacks in my room. My dad doesn't like junk food." To herself, she thought, 'He doesn't seem to like anything about me.'

"Oh, I understand," said Kori. "I must keep some of my things hidden from my sister. She likes to take thinks without asking. She is such a snollygoster."

Rachel raised an eyebrow, 'Snollygoster?'

Kori suddenly stopped, "Ooh, Rachel, your room."

"Yeah, what about it?" Rachel was defensive. They'd lived in Jump City for two or three years and Rachel's never had anyone in her room. Not even her father has been in there.

"Your room in exactly like you. It matches your personality. The color is perfect and I love the design on the wall. How did you do it?"

The walls were a medium shade of purplish-blue-grey. Depending on the light, sometimes it looked purple, blue or grey. Near her bed, Rachel had painted silvery grey swirls. All the furniture was black or dark grey. There was artwork on the walls near the desk. Candles and books were scattered around the room. The room could've/should've been considered dark and gloomy. For some reason, it didn't feel like that, it felt cozy. It had also had a mystical feel.

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "All I did was paint it."

As Rachel searched for the library book, Kori studied the wall color. "What color is this? It looks like it is purple or grey, maybe blue sometimes. How does it do that?"

"I don't know," said Rachel as she searched through the pile of books on her desk.

"How do you not know what color this is.? You said you painted it, did you not?"

"Yeah, I did but the paint was a mistint. You know, it was returned to the paint store because it was the wrong color or something. Sometimes the colors are weird but they're cheep. I got a couple of paints and mixed them together. So, it doesn't have a color name. As for the swirls, I just mixed some of my own paint and did that. Depending on my mood, sometimes, I add more swirls."

Kori was excited as an idea entered her mind. "Do you think you could do something like that in my room? Would you be willing to do that? Maybe you could paint clouds on the ceiling? You could do any design you want."

"Uh, I don't know. Sure, guess I could." Rachel finally found the missing book. Her room wasn't so messy that she couldn't find one library book. The thing was she had so many books and Kori was distracting her.

Kori clapped. "This will be wonderful. We will have to decide when to do my room makeover." The redhead studied Rachel's artwork and drawings while Rachel grabbed some granola bars. "Did you do all of these?"

"Don't look at those," Rachel tried to block Kori from the drawings. "They're not that good. I don't know why I put them up."

Kori was unfazed by Rachel. "Nonsense, they are good. Do you design clothing as well?" She asked when she saw some clothing sketches.

Rachel tried to steer Kori away from the drawings. "No, not really but sometimes I alter things." She didn't want her new friend to get any ideas.

Kori grabbed the granola bar Rachel waved in front of her. "You should meet Jinni. She designs and makes a lot of her things. She is in …"

The front door slammed, interrupting Kori. "Damn it, Rachel, where are you! Why the hell is that car in my driveway!"

Rachel cringed. 'Great. I hoped we were out of here before he came home.' She motioned for a startled Kori to follow her. "Um, that's my dad and it doesn't sound like he's in a good mood. We should go." The dark-haired teen called out as they went downstairs, "Dad, we're upstairs. It's okay, the car belongs to my friend Kori."

"What! Cory? You have a boy here!"

"No, not Cory with a C; not a boy. This is Kori, Kori Anders. She's my friend from school." Rachel wished this wasn't the way one of her new friends would meet her father. If it was up to her, they'd never meet one another.

Kori gave Rachel's menacing looking father a nervous wave. "Um, hello, Mr. Roth. I am sorry if I parked in your space. I did not mean to upset you."

Trigon barely acknowledged the redhead. He glared at his daughter. "So you have people over when I'm not here, when I'm out of town?"

Rachel shook her head. "No, no I don't have anyone over. Today was the first time. We're going to the library to work on a paper. I needed to get a book. That's all. I've never had anyone over here."

"Right. Like I'd believe a lying bitch like you." He wasn't trying to hide his anger.

Rachel wished for him to calm down. She didn't know from where this was coming. She'd never given him a reason to think she's had friends over.

"You've never given me a reason to think you're telling me the truth. You're a spoiled rotten bitch."

Kori gasped and Rachel tried to act like it didn't hut her. With her fists clenched at her sides, Rachel tried to keep her voice steady. "Kori, please wait outside. I'll be out in a minute." Kori looked uncertain between the father and daughter. She didn't know what to do. She didn't want to leave Rachel alone. Rachel nodded, indicating she'd be okay, so Kori went to wait by her car.

Rachel was angry about what her friend just witnessed. She kept quiet until Kori was outside. "That's not true and you know that. I'm going to go to the library with Kori. We have to do research for a paper. If you don't believe me, you can call the school. I might not be home until later tonight."

Rachel flinched when Trigon took a step towards her. He smirked at her fear. She slammed both the front and car door as she silently chided herself for showing any fear.

The two teens drove to the library in silence. As Kori pulled up to the library, and Taylor Swift song came on the radio. Listening to the song about finding true love, Rachel looked out the side window. She didn't know why her father would do something like that. Why did he say those things in front of Kori? He liked to portray the image of a perfect family but doing something like that would ruin that.

Kori's soft voice interrupted Rachel's thoughts, "I am sorry your father yelled at you like that."

Rachel sighed as she picked at her nail polish, "No, I'm sorry. You shouldn't have seen that. He was just in a bad mood. Guess he had a bad day at work. Plus, his back has been bothering him. So, there are reasons why he was angry. He's not usually like that." She left out that he was sometimes worse but she'd never let on about that.

"Where was your mom? Certainly, she would not like or let your dad talk to you like that."

Rachel wondered when this would come up; she's dreaded it. "My mom is, um, my mom is gone. It's just me and dad."

Rachel's surprised when tears formed in her friend's eye. She's further surprised by what Kori said next, "Oh, I am very sorry. I too know what it is like to lose a parent. But in my case, I lost both of them about six years ago."

For some strange reason, Rachel always assumed her new friends had perfect lives. "I, I'm sorry. I, I didn't know."

Kori gave Rachel a sad smile. "That is all right. I do not talk about it very much. It makes me too sad but I know they are watching after me. I am sure your mom is doing the same."

Rachel furrowed her brow as she gathered her books. She didn't believe that but couldn't let Kori know that. "Yeah, I guess, maybe. We should go inside and get to work."

An hour and a half later, they were done working at the library. Both girls were still thinking about Trigon's reaction. Kori didn't like that her new friend was yelled at when it wasn't her fault. That didn't seem fair. Especially, after Rachel's been bullied at school.

Rachel wished they'd left her house before her father came home. Now she had to worry about what Kori thought. More than that, she had to worry about what Kori would say and to whom she would say it. Rachel couldn't let anyone know her secret. What could she do to make Kori forget about what she saw and heard?

"Um, Rachel?" Kori interrupted the other girl's thoughts. "Did you, perhaps, want to do some shopping with me? It is not a big shopping trip. I simply need something for school. Please, say you will come with me. After that, I will give you a ride home."

Rachel considered it. Would going shopping with Kori make her father more angry? She only said she was going to the library. She didn't want him to accuse her of lying and sneaking around. Then again, she wasn't ready to see him yet. She never told him how long she'd be and Kori said it'd be a quick trip.

"Um, okay, I'll come with you but we can't take long."

* * *

 

Rachel reached for a notebook on a high shelf. While she didn't need another one, it didn't hurt to look.

Kori cried out, "Rachel, oh my gosh, what happened? How did you get that horrible bruise?"

Rachel quickly pulled down the hem of her sweatshirt that had risen up. What bruise was Kori talking about? Rachel looked confused at her friend.

Kori's eyes were full of concern. "You have a bad bruise on waist. What happened? It looks like it hurts so badly."

Rachel covered her side. She wished Kori hadn't seen that. She had to think of something to explain the bruise. "The other day I, um, I ran into the table."

"Why would you do that?"

"It's wasn't on purpose. It was an accident. When I got home from school, the phone was ringing. I dropped my bag by the table and ran to answer it. I forgot my bag was there and tripped over it, running into the table." Did that sound believable?

Kori still looked worried. "Oh, ow. It looks so painful."

"It's really not that bad." Kori looked uncertain. Rachel couldn't let her know the real reason for the bruise. She had to convince her friend to drop the subject. "It's the doesn't hurt that bad. You know how some bruises you can barely see but they hurt like hell. And others, like this one, look horrible but you hardly feel a thing. That's how this one is. Believe me, it hardly hurts. That's why I didn't know what you were talking about. I mean, it'll hurt if I put pressure on it But I just don't do that. Kori, it's okay. I'm okay. This is nothing. I'm just klutzy sometimes. I did something stupid, that's all."

"Are you sure you are all right? Are you sure there is nothing wrong?" asked Kori. She couldn't help thinking about how her new friend has been bullied.

"Kori, I'm fine. Nothing is wrong."

"What you said, really did happen? You are not making something up to cover up that someone hurt you?"

Panic filled Rachel, 'She can't know what happened.' "Kori, um …"

"I mean, Kitten or her friends did not hurt you, did they?"

Rachel was relieved, Kori guessed the wrong thing. "No, Kitten and her friends didn't do this. Like I said, I was a klutz. There's nothing to worry about. Do you have what you need or do we need to keep looking?"

"Yes, I am done shopping." Kori wanted to do something nice for Rachel. She didn't like the idea of her friends getting hurt, even if it was by accident. "Um, Rachel, would you like to come over to my house for dinner tonight?"

Rachel was surprised by that request. It's been years since she'd been to somebody's house. "Are you sure it's okay? I don't want to get you in trouble because you invited me over without asking first."

Kori laughed, "My uncle will not mind. I am always inviting someone over."

Rachel dreaded going home so she accepted the invitation.

While Kori was making her purchase, Rachel thought about what she told Kori. Most of it was true. She did trip over her bag but it wasn't an accident. Trigon wasn't angry when he found it on the floor. He pushed his daughter into to table, causing the bruise. Rachel knew she had to be more careful. She couldn't let anyone find out what really happened. She knew he'd kill her if anyone knew.

Rachel looked up to find Kori looking at her. She looked concerned. "Rachel, are you sure you are all right?"

Rachel brushed away her thoughts. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just thinking about my paper." She smiled to prove nothing was wrong.

* * *

 

Driving to her house, Kori mentioned her sister. "If we are lucky, Cami, my sister will have plans and will not be home. She is not that nice. She is such a harpy." They were in luck, Cami's not home.

A tall, large man with hair the same color as Kori's, met them at the door. Kori gave him a hug. "Uncle Galen, this is my friend, Rachel Roth. Rachel, this is my wonderful Uncle Galen."

In her usual monotone voice, Rachel said, "Hello. I hope it's not a problem that I'm coming over, sir."

Galen chuckled as he shook his head. "Of course it's no problem. Kori's friends are always welcome."

When the three sat down for dinner, they had chicken and potatoes and a dish Rachel couldn't identify. It looked like gelatin with vegetables and hard boiled eggs in it. Kori and her uncle enjoyed the mystery dish. Rachel was thankful that she was served a small portion. As she picked at the giggling mystery food, Rachel listened to Kori and her uncle chat about their day.

Galen turned to Rachel and said, "So, Rachel, what about you? Tell me a little about yourself." His question surprised Rachel. Whenever she had a meal with her father, the meals were silent. The breakfast they had a few weeks ago, that was the first time in a long time that he paid any attention to her during a meal.

"Um, I don't know. There's not much interesting about me."

"Kori says you're new to her lunch group. Are you new to Jump City?"

Rachel shook her head, "We moved here a few years ago."

Galen tried again to get Rachel to open up to them. "What about your parents? What do they do? Have any siblings?"

Rachel quickly said, "It's just me and dad."

He asked, "What does your father do?"

"He's a CEO at Hoyt Enterprise."

"Well, that sounds important. He must be very busy," commented Kori's uncle. Rachel simply nodded, yes but thought, 'I don't agree with the way he does business. What do I know? I'm just a kid. He's told me that several times.'

Galen got up. He started to clear the table. "Well, Kori is right. You are a quiet one. It is a nice change from the normal prattle that goes on around here."

"Uncle?" whined Kori in a mock pout.

He rustled his niece's hair. "Of course I love your chatter, my little chinwagger." He kissed the top of her head. Kori flashed a smile.

Rachel watched them. She was a little envious of there relationship. A part of her wished she could be this open and free around people.

As the three were cleaning up the kitchen, Kori's sister Cami came home. Cami was a year older than Kori. Both sisters were beautiful, but where Kori had an innocent beauty. Cami had an exotic beauty. She had long hair like Kori's, except Cami's was black. Cami had almond shaped eyes, intense and violet.

Cami eyed Rachel with disapproval. She said, "So little sister, it looks like you brought home another stray. You've always been soft for the weak."

"Cami, that is enough," warned Galen.

Cami pouted a little, "Sorry, uncle." When Galen turned around Cami glared at the two girls.

Once Galen left the room, Cami whispered, "Kori, I don't know how you expect to become more popular if you keep hanging around losers. Oh well, that's your problem. Just don't come near me with or without your creepy little friends. Who knows what I might catch."

Rachel muttered, "It couldn't be any worse than what you might be spreading." Cami looked like she could kill Rachel.

Kori said, "Cami, if to be popular I must be a backstabbing, um, witch then I do not wish to be popular."

"Whatever. You're both freaks," said Cami before leaving the kitchen.

Soon after meeting Kori's "charming" sister, Kori drove Rachel home. "I hope Cami did not insult you too much." said Kori.

"No, I'm pretty much used to it. That doesn't mean I like hearing it, but it doesn't hurt like it used to. Thank your uncle again for the delicious meal. See you tomorrow?"

Kori smiled, "Yes, I will see you at school."

Rachel waited for Kori to drive away before entering the house. When she entered the house there was no sigh of her father. She wondered where he was. She soon found out.

He was waiting for her in the kitchen. He was drinking. "So my sweet daughter, done with the bitchy attitude?" He spat out "daughter" like it was poison.

Trying to ignore him, Rachel walked past him and muttered, "I wish mom was here."

Trigon grabbed her by her arm. He spun her around. He grasped her by her upper arms. "What was that?" Rachel shook her head. Trigon said, "I know you said something. Are you gonna tell me? Or are you too scared? Do I have to beat it out of you?"

His daughter tried to summon her courage. Taking a deep breath, Rachel said, "I said I wish mom was here. She wouldn't let you treat me like you do. She would stop you. And I-I'm not afraid of you." She hated that her voice wavered.

"So you think Angela could stop me? She wouldn't stop me. Actually, she didn't want kids. Especially not a bratty, bitch like you. You're just an accident, a mistake she couldn't fix. She should've gone though with the abortion like she wanted to. But she got too scared. My life would be better if I didn't have to look after you." He sneered at the pain that flicker in his daughter's eyes. "What did you tell your stupid little friend about me?"

Rachel shook her head. "Nothing. I didn't tell her anything. I don't tell anyone anything."

He roughly shook his daughter. "Lying bitch! I know you said something to her. That's why you suddenly got these friends. So you can turn me in." He laughed ominously, "So you're not afraid of me? Stupid little girl, you should be. If you tell anyone I will kill you." He echoed her thoughts from earlier. Frightened, Rachel struggled to get free. She kicked out at him.

Trigon slammed her hard against the wall. Her head crashed forcefully against the wall. A small cry escaped from Rachel's lips. She saw stars for a moment. Darkness was following the stars. She struggled against the darkness, but soon lost that battle.

Trigon released her. His laughter was full of hatred as she collapsed on the kitchen floor.

Rachel began to stir. She started to regain consciousness. Slowly opening her eyes, Rachel saw the house was dark. She had no idea what time it was. She started to get up. Her head was pounding. She gingerly touched the knot on the back of her head.

As she carefully got up, Rachel wondered 'Why does he hate me so much?' Standing up, her head began to spin. Rachel grabbed the wall for support. She closed her eyes and waited for the feeling to pass. She had no idea where her father was, if he was even in the house. She didn't care. She just wanted to get to her bed. Gripping walls and furniture, Rachel slowly made her way to her room. Once she made it to her bed, she passes out.

Somewhere in the distance there was knocking on a door. Rachel didn't know from where it was coming. Sometimes it was more of a pounding than a knocking. She wondered if the pounding was in her head. She felt like her brain would explode.


	6. Dead Flowers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Miranda Lambert or these lyrics.

_**"He ain't feeling anything / My love, my hurt, or the sting of this rain / I'm living in a hurricane / All he can say is, 'Man, ain't it such a nice day?' / Hey I guess we'll just go to waste / Like dead flowers"-Dead Flowers, Miranda Lambert** _

* * *

 

Rachel woke to pounding on her door. The pounding on the door coincided with the pounding in her head. Trigon called out, "If you want a ride to school I'm leaving in ten minutes."

She groaned her response. Even laying still, Rachel felt like the room was spinning. She knew she needed to get up. After laying there for several minutes, Rachel slowly got up. As she sat up, her window seemed to tip sideways. That movement made her stomach flip.

Rachel covered her eyes. Trying to calm and steady herself, she took several deep breaths and let them out slowly. Gradually, the spinning sensation subsided. Instead, things seemed delayed. It was like a camera going in slow motion.

Having slept in her clothes, she only changed her sweatshirt. She didn't have time to do anything else. Moving as fast as her throbbing head would let her, but it wasn't fast enough. Trigon left the house as Rachel locked her bedroom door. Now she had to walk to school. Maybe it was for the best. She didn't want to see him right now.

Once at school, Rachel wished she'd skipped and stayed home. She's not focused on any of her classes. Finally, it was lunchtime. She sat at a table. She didn't care if she sat their table or not she just wanted to sit. With her elbow on the table, she propped her head in her hand.

"…Rachel? Rachel? Are you all right?" Rachel looked up to see Richard, who looked concerned. He repeated, "Are you all right? I said your name about five times before you looked up."

"Sorry. I'm just tired. Didn't get much sleep."

Vic and Gar came over to the table. Vic had a tray full of food. "Hey, guys," said Vic. "I thought we were gonna eat in the courtyard today. I don't care where we eat just as long as we do. Hope Kori finds us in here. Hey, Rae, you feelin' okay?"

Gar looked over at her, "Yeah, you look awful."

Folding her arms onto the table, Rachel laid her head down on them. "Wow, you really know how to win a girl's heart."

Gar tried to clear things up. "No, I mean, you look like you're sick or something."

Rachel mumbled, "I have a killer headache." Richard raised an eyebrow. 'She never mentioned a headache.' He decided not to say anything.

Kori rushed into the cafeteria. "Hi everybody. I thought we had planned to eat outside." Seeing Rachel, Kori went to her side. "Rachel, are you not feeling well?"

Rachel sat up and rubbed her hand over her eyes. "It's nothing. I was just up late studying and reading. That's all." Richard wondered, 'Another answer? What's going on with her?"

Kori eyed her friend with concern. "I hope you did not get into any more trouble with your dad. He should not have been so mean to you."

The guys were curious and looked back and forth between the two girls. Sighing, Rachel said, "It's okay. Things are …normal." She gave a small weak smile. She wanted to show what she was all right. Rachel's stomach growled loudly, causing her to blush.

Vic asked, "Have you had anything to eat?"

Rachel started to shake her head but quickly stopped. The movement caused her head to throb. "I didn't have time," she explained.

Vic put a third of his food in front of her. "Here. Eat." They all realized this was the most food they'd seen in front of Rachel. She usually just had a sandwich or baggie of pretzels. Occasionally she'd have both. Rachel took a few tentative bites. She was afraid the food might make her feel worse. It didn't; her head began to feel a little better.

As everyone went to his or her next class, Richard called out, "Hey, Kori, wait up. What were you talking about back there? What was that about Rachel and her dad?"

Kori shook her head. "I cannot tell you too much. We stopped at her house before going to the library. When her dad came home, he was angry with her. He said …some unkind things to her."

"I bet Rachel was upset," said Richard.

Kori nodded. "She tried to pretend it did not bother her, but I could tell it did. Rachel would not be happy if she knew I was telling you this. Our new friend has a lot of sadness in her. She tries to hide it. I think she tries to pretend that the mean things people say and do does not bother her. I wish we could help her be less sad like my friends have helped me."

* * *

 

After school, Rachel gathered her books at her locker. Richard came up to her. "Hey, Rachel, um, can I talk with you?"

She shrugged her shoulders. She had no idea what he wanted to talk about. "Uh, okay, sure. What about?"

"Earlier at lunch, you told us different reasons why you weren't feeling well. Why'd you do that? Why not just tell us what was wrong?"

She glared at him. "I did tell you. I was tired because I was up late reading and that caused my headache."

Richard wasn't convinced. "So then why didn't you just say that? Why did you give a different answer to each of us?"

She slammed her locker shut. "What are you getting at? I'm lying? You can't trust me?" she said angrily.

Richard signed. "I do trust you. I just think there might be something you're not telling us, a reason why you have this headache. Kori mentioned the fight you had with your dad."

Rachel tried not to show the panic that's bubbling in the pit of her stomach. She needed to know what Kori told him. What did Richard know? Did the others know anything? This was why friendship was overrated. Rachel believed getting close to people only got you hurt. Once someone was your friend then they thought they could get into your business.

Richard continued, "I'm not judging you but drinking could've caused your headache." She glared at him. Thinking she didn't understanding him, Richard explained, "You could have a hangover."

Rachel was relieved and stunned. He didn't know anything; her secret was safe. Finding what he was hinting at was irritating, she said, "I don't drink. Why would you think that? Because I'm the school freak and I had a fight with my dad, so I must drown my sorrows in alcohol. Is that what you think? Like I said I don't drink." That was something her father did.

Running a hand through his hair, Richard signed. "I'm not judging you. I just know from experience. Feeling the pressure put on you by others and yourself and wanting to escape. You have some drinks to try to escape. And the next day you feel like hell."

Rachel knew some of the students drink, especially the juniors and seniors. It never occurred to her that her friends might drink. "You drink? I had no idea. Do the others, um, drink with you? Do you drink a lot?"

Richard shot her an annoyed glare. "I'm not an alcoholic if that's what you're thinking. I don't drink all the time. I've only drank a few times, usually after I fight with my 'dad'. Drinking doesn't solve anything. The next day I felt and looked awful. And no, as far as I know the others don't drink. Well, maybe Vic does. But he's so into his sports, he probably doesn't drink too often. Kori doesn't seem like that type of girl."

Rachel crossed her arms across her chest. "But I look like the kind of girl who would drink?" Richard groaned and shook his head in frustration.

Vic peaked his head around the corner. He called out, "Hey, y'all, ya coming?"

Richard called back to him, "Yeah, we're coming." To Rachel he said, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought I was looking out for a friend."

With guarded emotions, Rachel said, "Thanks for the concern but there's nothing wrong."

In silence, they went to catch up with the others. Exiting the school, the five teens walked towards the parking lot. Gar was complaining about his homework when Rachel stopped in her tracks, causing him to run into her. "Rachel, what's wrong?"

She tightened her grip on the strap of her backpack. Trigon was waiting by his car; waiting to pick up Rachel. She didn't know why he was there, especially after last night. "Sorry, guess I don't need a ride. I, I forgot my dad's picking me up today. See you guys tomorrow." She wondered, 'If I live that long. Please, don't let tonight be like last night.' They all said goodbye. Full of dread, Rachel walked towards her father's car.

Getting in the car, Trigon chatted about nothing in particular, the weather, work, things like that. Rachel glanced at him through her hair that had fallen in front of her face. She wondered, 'Does he even remember last night? He could've killed me, but it's as if nothing ever happened. I'm certainly not gonna remind him.' Trigon interrupted her thoughts when he asked her about school.

"Not much happened. It was just another day at school."

"So those are your friends?" He asked. She nodded. "Isn't that that Grayson kid? He's Bruce Wayne's son or something. He'd be a pretty good catch for you."

"He's just a friend. We're all just friends, nothing more," said Rachel, hoping he'll drop the subject.

* * *

 

It had been quiet since Rachel went with Kori to the library. Things were back to normal, no fighting or arguing. Trigon didn't seem to notice that Rachel was quiet and shied away from him. Everything continued as normal. That surprised her, even though it happened after most of their fights.

What Rachel never realized was Trigon did notice how his daughter acted around him. He could sense her anxiety after every fight. He liked knowing he had that power over her. He liked knowing he could make his strong-willed, strong-minded daughter afraid of him.

Friday afternoon, things were quite in the Roth house. Rachel sat at the kitchen table working on homework. Trigon read the paper in the study. The doorbell rang. Being the closest to the door, Trigon got up to answer it. Rachel continued with her schoolwork. Whoever was at the door wouldn't be for her. Nobody came to see her. Rachel looked up in shock when she heard a female voice say, "Hello, Mr. Roth, is Rachel here? May we speak with her?"

Surprised, Rachel looked up from her book, 'Kori? What's she doing here? We? Who else is here?'

Trigon called out, "Rach, two of your friends are here." He went back to the study to continue reading. Rachel went to the foyer and was surprised to see Kori and Gar.

Trying to hide her surprise, Rachel asked, "Kori, Gar, what are you doing here?"

Kori said, "We were wondering if you wanted to go to the game with us" Rachel just looked at them as if she doesn't know what they're talking about.

Gar explained, "It's a football game. It's tonight."

"I know it's a football game. I've just never been to one."

"Oh, you will love it. It is so exciting, all the food and people. It will be fun. Please Rachel say you will come with us."

"I don't know, Kori." Rachel pointed over her shoulder towards the kitchen. "I'm working on my homework and I have a lot of it."

Gar freaked out, "You're doing homework! On a Friday night? Looks like we're rescuing you just in time. Only nerds do homework on Fridays."

Rachel glared at him. She deadpanned, "Then I guess I'll be a freak and a nerd."

From behind, a large hand clamped down on Rachel's shoulder. She jumped and let out a squeak. Trigon said, "Go with your friends. Have some fun. You've been working too much on your homework."

Rachel tried to steady her breathing before she spoke. "Are you sure? I have a lot to do. You said I couldn't go anywhere before I finished it."

He laughed, sending a chill down his daughter's spine. "I'm sure. I was going to do some work but now I think I might go out. Nothing exciting will be happening here. You're homework can wait. Go, Rach. Have fun with your friends." He gave her a slight shove out the door.

As he closed the door, Rachel said, lacking any enthusiasm, "I guess I'm supposed to go to the game. Not that I really want to go to a football game."

Gar draped his arm around Rachel's shoulders. "It'll be great. You're gonna have so much fun."

Rachel looked down at Gar's hand on her shoulder. She turns and glared at him. "I highly doubt it." Gar quickly jumped away from her.

Kori give the irritated girl an encouraging smile. "Come on, Rachel, try it. You just might find out you like football games. Besides, do you not want to cheer Vic and Richard on to victory?"

Rachel threw her hands up in defeat. "Okay, fine, I'll go with you guys. But I'm not guaranteeing that I'll have fun."

As Kori's car pulled into the crowded parking lot, Rachel signed. She hated crowds. She could handle the swarm of students well enough. She "knew" or rather recognized most of those people. Here, with the families and the other team, most were strangers. She hated feeling so lost. She closed her eyes and tried to control her fear. She also tried to suppress her anger. Rachel was angry with her father. He knew that she hated crowds, ever since she got lost in a crowd when she was just six. He laughed at her fears even then. She would feel better if this wasn't sprung on her, if she'd had more time to settle her nerves.

Kori and Gar got out of the car. When Rachel remained in the car, Gar said, "Hey, Rach, ya comin'?"

Rachel signed, "Yeah, I'm coming." Joining up with the two she said, "It's Rachel, not Rach. Got it?" Gar simply nodded.

The three teens bought their tickets and went towards the stands. Before they got there, a cheerleader came up to them. She was tall and slim but had a shapely figure. Her chocolate brown skin was almost the same color as her warm brown eyes. "Hey, Kori, what's up?" the girl asked.

"Oh, hi Karen. Not much. We are here to cheer us onto victory!"

Karen laughed, "Maybe you should be a cheerleader with all that enthusiasm you have."

"Oh, do you know Rachel?" said Kori.

Karen said, "Um, yeah, we had a couple of classes together last year. Hey, Rachel, how's it goin'?"

"Hi, Karen. Super." the dark haired girl deadpanned. The others shrugged their shoulders and continued chatting. Rachel thought Karen wasn't too bad. She was okay for a cheerleader. Not that she did an okay job at being a cheerleader. She was an okay person for a cheerleader. Karen wasn't not like a lot of them. She had a brain and used it.

Rachel returned her focus back to her friends. Karen said, "I have to go. See y'all later. Hopefully after we win." She headed towards the field but stopped after a few feet. She called out, "Hey, did ya hear about the dance?"

Kori said, "What? What dance?"

The crowd grew between them. Karen yelled, "I'll tell you later!"

Excited, Kori talked about the dance all the way to the stands. "A dance? Is there going to be a dance? I thought the school officials decided against. This is so exciting! I wonder when it is. There is a lot to do: dresses, shoes, hair." Turning to Rachel she said, "Of course you are going."

Rachel looked up shocked. She never thought about going to a dance, why start now. "Me? Seriously? I don't think so. Dances aren't really my thing."

Gar laughed, "The dance is back on? Cool, everyone will get to see my moves. All the ladies will notice me." He started humming a song and dancing. Not paying attention, he almost ran into a light post.

Kori giggled and Rachel rolled her eyes. Rachel dryly said, "Your 'moves' are gonna get you noticed in the ER."

* * *

 

Gar kept dancing, but paid attention this time. "Aww, come on Rachel, ya know ya like how I dance. Why don't ya show us what ya can do?"

Glowering at Gar, Rachel said, "Do you really want to see the ER?"

Rachel stood in line at the concession stand. She wondered why she let them talk her into this, going to the game, getting the food, all of it. She didn't do things like this, things that normal teens did. She hide, was alone all the time, avoided her father as much as possible. Standing in line at a high school football game was what a normal girl would do. Rachel thought, 'I'm not normal.'

Rachel tried not to think about what Trigon said the night of their fight. But, sometimes the doubt crept into her mind at the strangest times: during a test, while brushing her teeth, her sleep, when she's with her friends. The ugly thoughts sept into her brain like a fog. She tried to push them aside. Rachel knew that her father probably said that to upset her, that it wasn't true. It caused Rachel so much pain just the same. She couldn't help wondering 'Did she really not want to have me? Would she have had an abortion if she wasn't so scared?'

So lost in her thoughts, Rachel didn't notice that the man standing behind her in line was studying her. She's surprised when he tapped her on the shoulder and said hi. Rachel said, "Uh, hi." She thought, 'What does he want?'

The man with sandy blond hair, in his mid-to-late thirties, said, "You're Angela and Trigon's daughter, aren't you?"

"Yeah, so what about it?" said Rachel. She eyed him suspiciously.

The man puts his hand out to shake. "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Hi, I'm Martin Taylor. I went to school with your mother. I knew you were Angela's daughter. It's amazing."

After hesitantly shaking his hand she asked, "How did you know? What's amazing?"

Martin said, "Sorry, it's just that you look so much like Angela did at your age. Oh, I also knew your dad. I worked with him for a while. They made a good couple." He looked around as if he was looking for someone. "Are you and your folks just here for the game?"

"Um, no, dad and I moved here, to Jump City, a few years ago."

Martin asked, "And Angela? What about her? Where is she?"

Rachel looked down. "She's um, uh …" She hated talking about her mom, especially to strangers.

Martin quickly said, "Oh, I am so sorry. I didn't know. It must have been hard for her to leave behind the daughter she loved so much."

Rachel gave him a small, sad smile. She thought, 'Maybe there's some hope. Maybe she grew to love me after all.'

* * *

 

Rachel returned to Kori and Gar, with the food. Wally was now there with a girl and boy. Everybody's talking about the dance and they didn't notice Rachel. Rachel observed the two newcomers. The girl, she had seen around school. She's short and had short, wavy strawberry blonde hair and blue eyes. She's Kole Weathers, the school's gossip. The guy was about as tall as Kori. He had long straight black hair. Rachel was amazed. She'd never seen hair so "beautiful" on a guy before. As she studied him, he turned to her and smiled. Rachel blushed and returned a small smile. She'd never had a guy notice her like that. Usually if someone, anyone was aware of her, Rachel ended up being tormented.

Kori said, "Oh, Rachel, you are back. I did not see you. We are talking about the exciting news about the dance. You know everyone here, right?" Before Rachel could say anything Kori introduced everyone. That annoyed Rachel. Kori acted like Rachel was "the new girl in school". Rachel rolled her eyes. Just because Rachel didn't have any friends didn't mean she didn't know anyone. That said, Rachel didn't know Garth Atwater, captain of the swim team.

Garth smiled at Rachel. "I don't think I've seen around before. Have you always gone to Jump City High?"

Rachel felt her face turning pink. "Yeah, I guess I'm, um, I'm quiet. Most people don't notice me."

Garth said, "Then we must not have any classes together, because I would've noticed you."

Rachel felt her blush intensify. She attributed the fact that Garth was paying attention to her, to her clothes. Her style hadn't changed that much. She still wore mostly dark colors and long sleeves. Her clothes were a little more form fitting. She showed she had something of figure.

A girl came up to the group. She was in a bad mood. Wally said, "Hey, Jinni, thought you weren't coming. Thought you couldn't make it; had other plans. What changed? I know, you couldn't stay away from me?" He flashed a large grin.

The girl with brown hair rolled her angry hazel eyes. "I just came over to say hi. I had to come so we could have some 'family time'. Like that's gonna work." She glared over to two adults having a heated discussion

Wally draped his arm around her shoulders. "I'm sorry Jinni. Why don't ya stay with us? We'll all probably go get something to eat after the game. Come with us. It'll give you a break from all that."

Jinni gave him a mischievous smile. She tousled his hair. "Okay, I'll be back in a minute. I should tell them. Not that they would notice whether or not I'm there."

Jinni went over to the arguing couple. "Mom, Dad, I'm gonna be with my friends. We're gonna grab a bite after the game. I'll be home later tonight. Someone will give me a ride." That started the couple on another argument. Jinni walked away from her parents fighting about whether or not she should be with her friends.

Going back to her friends, Jinni signed as she sat next to Rachel. She pretended to pull her hair out. Jinni growled, "Grrr, parents!"

Thinking of her own father, Rachel replied sarcastically, "Yeah, they're such a joy."

The hazel-eyed girl finally noticed Rachel. "You're new to the group, aren't you?"

"Yeah, I'm Rachel Roth."

"Hey, I'm Jinni Fortune. Sometimes I go by Jinx."

Raising an eyebrow, Rachel asked, "Why 'Jinx'?"

"Well, I'm Miss Fortune-misfortune." Jinni laughed and rolled her eyes. "Plus, I kinda have bad luck following me. Don't worry. It's nothing major or serious, just simple bad luck."

Rachel and Jinni talked some while most of the others focus on the game. The subject of the dance came up. Jinni said, "I'll probably make my dress. I usually do. What about you?"

Rachel said, "I'm not going."

Kori piped up, "Yes, she is. We should all go as a group. It will be so much fun." Rachel rolled her eyes, 'speak for yourself.'

During halftime, Wally and Jinni went get more snacks. While those two were gone, the others talked about Jinni and her parents. It looked like they were getting a divorce, but her friends weren't sure if Jinni realized that. Not wanting to listen about faulty parents, Rachel got up. She said, "I forgot to tell Jinni something. I'll be right back."

Going down the stairs, Rachel wasn't paying attention. Somebody ran into her. "Why don't you watch where you're goin' you freakin' bitch!" yelled the long haired blonde. Her large blue eyes were full of fire.

Rachel's shocked, she didn't run into this girl. It was the other way around. "Who the hell do you think are? Calling me a bitch?" Rachel said angrily.

The blonde said, "You ran into me. So I'm calling you a …" Her voice trailed off when Gar called out to them.

"Hey, Terra, didn't think you were comin'? Do ya know Rachel?", he said.

The blonde girl, Terra, instantly transformed into a sweet natured girl. She flashed a large smile. "Gar, hey, I wasn't sure if I could make so I said I couldn't. I didn't want to disappoint y'all. Turns out I could come. I just got here. Surprise!"

Gar laughed, "Cool, glad you're here. So, have you two met before?"

Rachel eyed Terra suspiciously. "No, we just …"

Terra quickly finished, "We just kinda ran into each other. It's no biggie though. There's no damage." Terra had a grin on her face but her eyes flashed anger at Rachel. It lasted only a second and only Rachel saw it.

Gar said, "I came to get ya, Rachel cause the game's back on."

Terra looped her arm with his. "Oh, are we winning?"

Laughing, he said, "We are so winning. We're trouncing them."

Rachel followed them back to their friends. She didn't know what to make of Terra. She was a pretty girl. She looked like what everyone thought of when thinking of a typical California girl. Why would she be so hostile to Rachel when they didn't even know each other?


	7. Popular

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, any form of Wicked or these lyrics.

_**"Popular! / You're gonna be popular! / I'll teach you the proper ploys / When you talk to boys / Little ways to flirt and flounce / I'll show you what shoes to wear / How to fix your hair / Everything that really counts to be popular! / I'll help you be popular! / You'll hang with the right cohorts / You'll be good at sports / Know the slang you've got to know / So let's start / 'cause you've got an awf'lly long way to go ..." - Popular, Wicked: the Musical** _

* * *

 

Rachel slammed her locker shut. Seeing she had the wrong book, she sighed and jerked her locker open again.

"Pissed?" asked Jinni as she came up to Rachel.

"Always," replied Rachel, switching her books.

"So," Jinni leaned against the lockers, "what's wrong?"

"I have to go to the dance." Rachel rolled her eyes, "Apparently, my councilor thinks I'm a loner, aka loser. She talked to my dad. He thinks I don't do enough 'normal' things. So he's making me go to this stupid dance." Rachel slammed her locker shut again. "Ugh! Why can't everyone leave me alone?"

Jinni smiled, "Oh, I get it. Your dad wants you to be a normal teenaged girl." She listed things, "He wants you to go to dances, go on dates, have a boyfriend, have sex, …"

"What! Have sex? No, no, no, no, no. He's not thinking about that and neither am I. I've never even kissed a guy, let alone been on a date. There's no way I'm having sex." Rachel shuttered slightly.

Jinni laughed at Rachel's reaction. "Come on, it's not that bad. Okay, the first time, well the first few times, are a little awkward. And maybe it hurts a little. But like a lot of things, it gets better with practice."

Rachel stared at her new friend. She lowered her voice to a whisper. "You've had sex?"

Jinni nonchalantly shrugged her shoulders. "Yeah, so. Don't look at me like that. It's not like I'm doin' it all the time. I've only been with a few guys."

Rachel shook her head. "I'm definitely not ready for that."

As the two girls went to their next class, Jinni said, "C'mon, give the dance a chance. It could be fun."

Rachel rolled her eyes, "About as fun as getting a root canal that I don't need."

* * *

 

Saturday morning, Kori dragged Rachel to the mall to shop for dresses. There, they met up with Jinni, Karen and Terra. Everyone excitedly shopped for the dance, except Rachel. As they enthusiastically searched for the right dress, Rachel stood near them, looking completely bored.

A woman with a scarf draped over her shoulders, went up to Rachel. The woman asked, "Excuse me, could I ask you a question?"

Rachel looked at her and thought, 'You just did. Will you go away now?'

Since Rachel didn't tell her no, the woman continued, "I'm Bridgette Turner and I'm with Merrill Kay Maxine Cosmetics. I'm always on the look out for new girls. Have you ever thought of being a model?"

Rachel was surprised. "Me? You want me to be a model? I think you want to talk to my friends. They're pretty. One of them is tall. They'd make great models."

Ignoring Rachel's protests, the woman explained, "Well, it doesn't matter if the girl's tall or not. Actually, her figure doesn't matter either. What we do is we take pictures of the girls without any makeup on. Then we take pictures of girls with our makeup on. The photo shoots are a before and after."

"Um, I don't think so."

The woman handed Rachel her business card. "Here, don't say no just yet. Think about it. It would be a fun way to make some money. Plus, here's a coupon for some of our products."

After the woman left, Rachel walked over to her friends. "Ohh-Kay. That was weird. I just had a lady ask me to be a model for her makeup."

Karen took the business card Rachel was holding. She looked at it suspiciously. "She wants you to be a model? Did you accept?"

"Crazy, right?" Rachel shook her head, "No, of course not. I am so not the model type."

Kori, Jinni and Terra gathered around Karen to look at the card. The three began talking at the same time. "Why not? It could possibly be fun." "You might get some free products." "Free stuff? Are you crazy? You would make money and get free stuff."

Rachel crossed her arms across her chest and rolled her eyes. "Like I said, I'm not the model type. All I could think about when she was talking is it would be a disaster. I would probably be the before. You know, 'this is how messed up you look without the makeup.' That, or what little makeup I do have on is doing an incredible job. She wasn't seeing the flaws."

Kori put her arm around Rachel's shoulders ."Rachel, you are pretty."

Rolling her eyes, Rachel shook her head slightly. "I told her she really wanted to talk to you guys. You all would be perfect for it."

Jinni frowned, "So, you're not gonna do it? Not gonna step out of your comfort zone and do something fun and different?"

Rachel glared at her friend. "First, it wouldn't be fun. And for doing something different, I'm here. I'm shopping, in the mall, for a dress, for a dance that I don't want to go to. That's about all the 'out of my comfort zone' I can handle."

"Fair enough," Jinni shrugged, "as long as you're sure."

"Positive. I am not doing that."

Terra grabbed the business card from Karen. "Mind if I do it?"

"Go for it. Knock yourself out."

"Awesome! Free stuff!"

Rachel rolled her eyes at Terra's excitement.

"Hey, girls," said Jinni, "it's about time for us to meet up with the guys. We can continue shopping after lunch."

* * *

 

In the very busy food court, the girls caught up with the guys. Gar and Vic teased Rachel for her lack of shopping bags. Vic joked, "Aren't ya looking forward to this dance, just like every other girl?"

Rachel glared at him, "I'm looking forward to the day after the dance. Then this whole ridiculous thing will be over."

After lunch, they decided to shop all together, the boys and the girls. The boys didn't have a lot of shopping to do. They were mainly there to carry packages.

After an hour or so of shopping, Karen asked, "Does everyone have everything they need?" Four of the five girls held up their bags. Even the guys held up a bag or two. They all turned to Rachel, who only had one small bag.

"Seriously, you bought a book?" Terra couldn't believe Rachel would do something like that.

"Why do you not have anything for the dance?" asked Kori, "Did you not find anything you liked?"

Rachel explained in a bored tone, "I wasn't really looking, so I couldn't find anything. Can we go now?"

Kori frowned. She didn't understand why she didn't try to find something. At the moment, the dance was the most exciting thing happening. Why wasn't Rachel equally excited? "If you cannot find something then we will have to find you a dress. Come on, we shall start over our adventure of shopping."

Rachel and the guys groaned. Kori pouted at their reaction. It is just after two o'clock. This should not take too long. It will be all of us helping one person shop." Kori grabbed Rachel's arm and pulled her towards a store. The raven-haired girl let out a squeak of surprise then groaned. The others followed the two girls. Come on, his will be fun."

Inside the store, Kori took charge of things. "First, we need to figure out a style or type of dress for our dear friend."

"You really don't need to do this," muttered Rachel.

"Nonsense. This is what friends do. We help each other," said Kori. She was oblivious to Rachel's discomfort. She wasn't being mean. Kori honestly thought she was helping her friend. "What did you have in mind? What kind of style?"

Rachel wondered if friendship was worth this hassle. She rolled her eyes and finally said, "Nothing girly."

Terra gasped, "Hel-lo! It's a dress for a dance. Duh, dresses are girly."

Glaring at Terra, Rachel growled, "Fine. Nothing too girly." Rachel knew Terra was part of their group. Everyone, especially Gar, liked Terra. She didn't know why but Rachel didn't entirely trust the blonde girl.

Away from the girls, Gar joked to Richard, "Can you imagine it, Rachel in a girly dress? Oh, I know, it'd be light pink and white with ruffles and lace and really fluffy and , um …" When Richard stopped laughing, Gar turned to find a pair of intense blue eyes glaring at him. "Oh, hi Rachel …I was just, uh …"

"You were just …what?" growled the owner of those blue eyes.

Gar looked to Richard for help Richard put his hands up as if to say he was innocent. "Sorry, you're on your own." He turned to join Vic, who was with the girls.

"Du-u-ude! Thanks a lot," whined Gar. He turned back to Rachel. He smiled sheepishly and stammered, "I, um, …I was, uh …nothing. I was doing nothing. Just standing here admiring all the pretty dresses."

"You must not want to get your license and drive," said an irritated Rachel.

Confused, Gar said, "Yeah, I do. Why?"

"If you keep this up, you won't make it to your sixteenth birthday."

They overheard the girls talking. "This is just like one of my favorite style shows. We're gonna find the right outfit for the sulky fashion victim and …"

Rachel grimaced, "Great. I'm some sort of excitement for them."

"You really don't wanna do this, do you?" asked Gar.

"How could you tell?" She snapped at him. Sighing, Rachel said, "Sorry, I just, I don't know, hate this whole thing. I don't like shopping, especially in the mail. I don't wear dresses. I don't like showing a lot of skin."

Gar realized he's never seen Rachel wearing short sleeves or shorts. He wondered if there was a disturbing reason for that.

Rachel caught him looking at her and guessed his thoughts. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm not like everyone else. A lot of girls at school wear practically nothing. I don't want to be anything like that. Also, I don't like getting a lot of sun exposure."

"Oh, so it's a goth thing?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

Kori called everyone over to her. Cheerfully, she said, "Okay, everyone, we are going to find Rachel the perfect dress. Rachel, wait here while everyone else picks out a dress or two for you to try on. Ooo! This is going to be so much fun."

Rachel stood there with her arms crossed as she watched her friends scatter. They went in all directions. Each had his or her own method. Some, mainly the guys, just seemed to grab something. Others seemed to put some thought into it.

When they returned to Rachel, everyone had a dress or two. They piled them into Rachel's arms. They pushed her towards the fitting rooms, which were in the back of the store.

"I can't see where I'm going." Vic tried to steer her the right way. Annoyed, Rachel told him, "You think it's so easy? Here. You carry them." She pushed the dresses into his arms. Vic was surprised by two things. First, he didn't know a few dresses could be so heavy. And he's surprised Rachel carried them as long as she did. Compared to him, she was diminutive. 'Maybe she's like Kori,' Vic thought, 'she's stronger than she looks.

At the fitting room, Vic put the dresses back in Rachel's arms. Once she entered the room, she dropped them on the floor. She looked down at the pile of dresses and rolled her eyes. There was a wide assortment of colors, fabrics and styles. Most of the dresses were dark in color. A few were kind of bright, jewel-tones. She didn't want to do this. Rachel crossed her arms. "Do I have to do this?"

The girls cried out, "Yes!"

"Can't I read a book about it? Or I could watch a movie about a high school dance? Something like, I don't know, She's All That or Carrie?" said Rachel as she poked the pile of dresses with her foot.

"No!" They all called out. Outside the fitting rooms, they could practically hear Rachel rolling her eyes.

Jinni muttered to herself, "This'll probably kill me." To Rachel she said, "I hate sounding like my mom, but to quote her, 'Keep that up and you're eyes will get stuck looking at your brain.' Ugh, I can't believe I just said that."

Karen sympathetically put her arm around Jinni's shoulders. "Don't worry, you'll be alright. Just don't do it too often. You don't wanna make a habit of sounding like your parents until you're old, like them."

"After trying on each dress, you should come out here and let us see it on you."

"No way. I'm not letting anyone see me in some of these dresses." Rachel picked up a slinky red dress that was very low cut in the back. She knew no one would ever see her in something like that.

Rachel rifled through the dresses. Some weren't too bad. She quickly tried those on and disliked each one. She came out of the fitting room in her usual jeans and sweatshirt. She didn't have a dress with her. "Sorry, nothing worked. Guess we're done shopping." She hoped they really were finished shopping.

Kori looked at her friend in disbelief. "None of those dresses worked? Did you try on all of them?"

Rachel shook her head. Before anyone could say anything, Rachel pulled out the slinky red dress. "Seriously? Like I'm really gonna wear something like this? Sorry, Kori, but face it, there's nothing for me."

Kori thought a moment, "We will simply have to try every store in the mall if we have to. We will find you a dress."

Rachel groaned as they dragged her to another store. The same thing happened at each store. Both Rachel and Kori were stubborn about finding a dress. As they passed the food court on their way to the fifth store, Vic said, "Can't we stop for some food? We've been shoppin' for hours."

Terra and Gar pleaded at the same time, "Pleeeaaasssse! I need food and my feet are killing me." They looked at one another and laughed.

"I'm wearing these wedge sandals," said Terra, "What's your excuse for your feet hurting?"

"I'm not used to walking around the mall all day," whined Gar, "Are we ever gonna be done? Or are we gonna turn into those mall walkers? Eww."

"Ha-ha. You are funny. We have not been here that long. Once Rachel finds a dress, our shopping excursion will be over."

"Uh, Kor," said Richard, "it's a little after six. If we're gonna keep shopping, we should grab a bite to eat."

Kori looked down at her watch and laughed. "I did not realize we have been here that long. My watch must have died. It says it is only 4:35. Oh well, I will just have to buy a new one. Hm, now that you have mentioned it, I too am hungry." Kori smiled, "Of course, we should get something to eat. Maybe some nourishment is what you need, Rachel, to find the right dress."

Rachel crossed her arms and muttered under her breath, "I wouldn't count on it."

* * *

 

Rachel dropped her tray of food down at their table. She flopped into her seat. She sighed, "I need to get a job."

"You?" asked Vic, "Doesn't your dad make a lot of money?"

Terra said, "Yeah, isn't your dad, like, super rich? He can buy you whatever you want. I mean, you have his debit card. So what's the big deal?"

Karen came up to the table. "Nothing wrong with a girl wanting some independence. It'll probably do her some good. Get her ready for college." Karen looked over at Terra, "It certainly wouldn't hurt you to do some work." As Karen sat, Terra glared at her.

"Thanks, Karen, you're kinda right about that," said Rachel, "I just need some money to buy food when I'm with you guys. We're always eating." Rachel held up the debit card and said, "This is to buy things like this dress. I don't want to use it too much. I don't want to 'upset' my dad."

Terra told Rachel, "Well, you're not getting that modeling job back. You said I could have it. So you'll just have to find something else." Rachel rolled her eyes.

Jinni leaned over the table to talk to Rachel and Karen. She knew they'd understand. "Isn't that so annoying? They tell you 'buy what you need, get what you want.' Then they get all bent outta shapes cuz you spend too much. It's all 'we're not made of money' and 'were even make all these sacrifices for you to be happy'. Pfft, yeah right, whatever." The whole table got quite for a while. Everyone knew about the problems Jinni was having with her parents.

To break the silence, Richard said, "Jinni, you're making your dress, right?" Jinni nodded. "Then what are you buying?"

Off the subject she didn't like and on to one she did, Jinni perked up. "Shoes of course. I can't make those." She thought a moment, "Well, I guess I might be able to make shoes if I tried. But I'm not gonna start that when the dance is next week."

Before they went back to shopping, Rachel called home to let her father know she'd be home later than she thought. Shopping again, it was just like before. Kori was trying hard to find the right dress and Rachel rejected all of them.

They were at the fifth or sixth store. While everyone was searching for Rachel's dress, she started to sneak away from the fitting rooms. She was almost to the door when she heard a deep voice from behind her. Rachel jumped. "Where do you think you're goin'?"

Rachel turned to face Vic. "Um, going to use the bathroom?"

"Didn't we all take care of that after we ate?"

Rachel pleaded to be able to leave, "Please, I don't know how many more dresses I can try on."

"And you'd end up hurting Kori's feelings," said Vic, "She's being a good friend. This isn't about her. She's trying to help you. You really wanna walk out and crush 'er like that?"

Rachel's shoulders dropped. Vic watched her slowly walk back to the fitting rooms. She crossed her arms and leaned against the wall. "You okay?" He wondered.

"Yes," she grumbled, "Go pick something I might actually wear."

Vic smiled, "I knew you'd be a good sport about it." He went to pick out her dress as Rachel flipped her hair over her shoulder to hide her face as she sulked.

* * *

 

They had tried just about every possible store in the mall. They walked to last option, Sterlington. As they walked into the store, Gar looked up at the sign. "Hey, Karen, don't ya work here?"

"Yeah, I started working here over the summer. So?"

"So, why didn't we come here first? Wouldn't that have saved us alotta time?" Gar asked.

Karen said, "I see these dresses all the time. I knew my dress wasn't here. That doesn't mean there's nothing here for Rachel. Sorry, guess I just didn't think about this place."

Looking around, Rachel had a thought. "Um, Karen, are they hiring here?"

Karen nodded, "Yeah, but it's for the makeup counter. They are all a lot like Kitten over there. I can't picture you there. Sorry."

Rachel frowned, "It was just a thought. If anything else comes up, will you let me know."

"Yeah, sure, no problem. There are some pretty good dresses in the junior's the department."

Again, everyone did what he or she had done in every other store. When Rachel got the dresses, she sifted through the pile. She put them into different piles of possible, not likely and no way.

Rachel picked up one dress and said to herself, "Seriously? Who picked this one for me?" She peeked her head out the fitting room door. She held up a yellow dress. It looked like it was the kind of dress a two-year-old would wear. It had a short full skirt, puffy short sleeves and a sash that tied into a bow in the back. "Really? I know I said I wanted nothing too girly and I don't want to go but this is for a dance. I'm not a little girl going to Sunday school." She threw it at them. It landed on Vic's head making everyone laugh.

Karen was right about the dresses. There seemed to be more dresses in the possible pile than the other times. While trying on those, Rachel asked again, "Do I really have to do this?" She got the same response. Rachel sighed and tried a different approach. "How about I find something and pretend to go to the dance? I'd get dressed up and my dad would think I'm going to the dance, but I'd skip it. That would work for everyone, wouldn't it? I'd get a dress, that's for all of you. I'd go to the dance, that's for my dad and councilor. And I'd leave after a few minutes of being there, that's for me."

"Skip the dance?" asked Gar, "Why'd you wanna do that?"

Rachel flatly replied, "I don't dance."

"Ya know, you don't hav'ta dance at the dance." Gar said then thought for a moment. "If you didn't go to the dance, what would you do?"

"I'd go to the library or maybe see a movie."

"You're crazy," said Terra, "You'd skip the dance and go to the library? I'd do the opposite. There's no way I'd miss a chance to party."

Rachel made a face but kept trying on dresses. She did not like Terra. After trying on several dresses, Karen knocked on the fitting room door. "Hey, Rachel, the store's closing in about thirty minutes. Do you have anything you've rejected? If you'd push them out here, they'll can put them away. They'll need all that time." Rachel shoved out most of the dresses.

Rachel looked at the few that remained. She quickly tried them on. It didn't take long to narrow it down to three. She was surprised. She liked each one. Not knowing which one to pick, Rachel bit her lip as she thought. Rachel thought they'd be surprised if she bought all three. She knew they weren't expecting her to find one she liked let alone three. The dark-haired teen smiled to herself as she picked up the three dresses. She was right about them being surprised.

"You liked one?" asked Gar.

"Of course she did," said Kori. She was as curious as everyone else. "Which one are you getting?"

"I couldn't decide so I'm buying three and whatever I don't pick, I'll bring back. But nobody's seeing it until the dance."

Kori gasped, "You are going? You are really going to the dance?" Rachel nodded her head reluctantly. Kori jumped up and down. "Yay! We are going to have so much fun! Tomorrow, all the girls should come over to my house. We will figure out hairstyles and makeup."

Rachel shook her head, "Sorry, I can't. I'm wiped out from all this shopping. Besides, I'm not doing anything different with my hair and makeup."

"You should curl your hair," said Terra, who began laughing at the thought of Rachel having her almost waist length hair curled.

Rachel said flatly, "And you should shave your head. In some cultures, that's a symbol of beauty and courage." She then flashed Terra a smile. The blonde teen stopped laughing and glared at Rachel.

Gar said, "I like your hair long, Terra, but I'd bet you'd be cute with a super short hair cut."

"You really think I'd look cute with a pixie cut?" Gar nodded and Terra flashed him a huge smile for Gar while sending daggers to Rachel.

* * *

 

When Kori dropped Rachel off at her house, it was about nine-thirty. As they pulled up to the house, a car pulled out of the driveway. Rachel didn't recognize it but probably didn't mean anything. Maybe someone was dropping off something about her father's work.

Rachel was exhausted from shopping. She didn't know if she'd ever shopped like that. Rachel cautiously entered the house. She didn't know what Trigon's mood would be, especially since she spent so much time at the mall with her friends. She's in luck, he seemed to be in a good mood.

"Finally done shopping? It took you long enough."

Still holding the garment bag, Rachel said, "Um, yes, we're done. Sorry, that took longer than we thought it would."

"You mean you took a long time to find a dress. Looks like you found something."

For a moment, Rachel thought back to when she was little and shopping with her mother for dresses for Easter, birthdays and the first day of school. Those were good memories. Things would be easier if her mom was here. "You're right. Sorry it took me so long, but I've never had to get a dress like this before. Finally, I found something." She turned to go upstairs.

Trigon stopped her. "Aren't you going to show me what you picked out?"

"You really want to see what I got?" His request surprised Rachel. He has never been this interested in her. Rachel opened the garment bag. "I got these because I couldn't decide," She explained quickly as she spread the dresses over the back of the sofa. "The two I don't pick, I'll return. I have two weeks to do that, but I'll know by tomorrow. If you don't mind taking me back to the mall …"

Trigon laughed at his daughter's unease. "Okay, okay, slow down. You have some time to decide." He looked them over. "Were they expensive?"

Rachel shook her head. "No, all three were on sale. The total was a little over two hundred dollars."

"That much for three dresses? Hm, not bad. I think you should keep all three."

Rachel stopped fiddling with her hair and looked up astonished. "What? You want me to keep all of them? But I don't need three dresses."

"Well, you never know when you'll need something. Now that you're older, you might need to attend a business dinner with me. Any of these would work for the dance or a dinner."

Unsure what his response would be, Rachel asked him which one he liked.

He held up the one closest to him and studied it. "This white and wine-colored one is pretty. I like the kind of sheer fabric for the skirt."

It's tulle," she cautiously corrected him.

Trigon nodded. "I like the way the dress changes color."

The dress was strapless and knee-length. The variegated dress started with deep burgundy at the bodice and faded to ivory at the hem of the skirt. In between, there were different shades of rose and mauve. That gave the dress an ombre effect. On the left side of the waist was a rose embellished with silver beads and sequins. Rachel's surprised she'd pick something that looked so girly but she liked it.

"The dark blue one is pretty. It would bring out the color of your eyes. I'm surprised you've picked out things so girly. Maybe it just shows you're growing up." The second dress was also knee-length. It was navy blue with beaded on the waist, the straps and along the top edge of the bodice.

Rachel was amazed she was discussing clothes, dresses with her father. She wondered why he was in such a good mood. Did it have anything to do with who was in the car that drove away when she came home? She felt like she was in an alternative universe. Why couldn't things be like this more often?

The third one was knee-length as well. It was satiny and had a square neckline. He continued as he picked up the last one. "This purple one kind of reminds me of a dress your mom used to wear. I really like this one. Yeah, I think you should keep all three."

Gathering the dresses, Rachel said, "Um, you're sure? I don't need three. I could just keep two if …"

"Yes. Keep them all," he snapped. "You should get to bed."

The good mood was falling apart. Rachel followed her father's "advice" and headed to the stairs. She stopped before going up, "Thank you, Dad."

In her room, Rachel hung the dresses on her closet door. She flopped on her bed. Studying them as she fell asleep, she thought, "What did I get myself into?"


	8. What You Want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Evanescence or any lyrics.

_**Do what you want what you want / If you have a dream for better / Do what you what you want / Till you don't want it anymore (remember who you really are) / Do what you what you want / Your world's closing in on you now (it isn't over) / Stand and face the unknown (got to remember who you really are)** _ **" - Want You Want, Evanescence**

* * *

 

Rachel was tired of hearing about the dance. It seemed to be the subject of choice. Everyone, even some of the teachers, talked about it. She tried to tune it out as much as possible without much luck. A very small part of her was excited about the dance, but mostly, she was scared. She was afraid everyone would laugh at her. She'd never let anyone know any of that, so she just acted irritated.

On Friday, everyone seemed extremely excited and Rachel's nerves were on edge. She spent Saturday trying to settle her nerves. After pacing most of the afternoon, Trigon laughed at her. "What are you nervous about? These kids are your friends, right? It's just a dance. There's nothing to worry about. What could go wrong?"

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know. It starts in a few hours, so guess I'll start getting ready." As she went upstairs, she cringed at her father's laughter following her up the stairs. She thought, 'He doesn't get it. How would he like to go somewhere wearing a dress?' Rachel smiled at the thought of her dad in drag. 'Dad would make an ugly woman. Ugh, now I need to get that image outta my head.'

Trying to calm her nerves, Rachel took a long shower. As she stood in her bathrobe, she stared at the dresses hanging on her closet door. It was probably the hundredth time she'd studied them. Why couldn't she pick one? Why was this taking so long?

Over the past few days, she had tried on each dress, multiple times. Still, she couldn't decide which one to wear. Eventually, she'd narrowed it down to two.

Rachel liked the ombre dress but it was sleeveless. She didn't feel comfortable wearing a sleeveless dress. If she'd had more time, Rachel was sure she could've put straps on it. She put that dress into her closet, saving it for another time.

Rachel sighed as she scolded herself, 'This isn't brain surgery. Just pick one.' Knowing she was over thinking it, Rachel finally picked a dress. She'd already done her makeup, simply eyeliner and some clear lip-gloss. She slipped on the dress then ran a brush through her long dark hair. After slipping on black ballet flats, Rachel went over to the jewelry box she kept in her desk.

After debating whether she should wear a necklace, Rachel decided to wear the necklace her mom gave her. The necklace was a silver heart. The center had an amethyst, Rachel's birthstone. She didn't wear the necklace often but when Rachel did, she felt close to her mother.

Setting the clasp, Rachel studied her reflection. The dress fit perfectly. The royal blue fabric swirled around her legs, ending a few inches above her knees. She liked the way the beads and sequins sparkled on the straps, at the waist and along the top of the sweetheart neckline.

Looking at her "twin" in the mirror, Rachel barely recognized herself. She felt oddly pretty. She was glad the bruises on her arms and legs had faded. Gone was the moody, sullen, angst-ridden, emo/goth teenaged girl she normally was. Rachel looked at the girl in the mirror. She looked pretty, not beautiful. Rachel knew she could never be beautiful but she looked like a normal girl. She looked confident, like she belonged. The girl in the mirror didn't have a father who hit her. That girl was part of a loving family – a mom, dad, possibly siblings. Rachel was shocked wearing a dress could make her feel so different.

Trigon called up the stairs, "Hey, Rach, if you're going to this dance, you should get going."

Frowning, Rachel shook her head and sighed. The spell was broken. She wasn't the girl in the mirror. Her life wasn't a fairytale. She didn't have a fairy godmother to magic her life to be better. Rachel felt foolish for imagining her life could be different just because she wore a dress. The dark-haired teen softly sang to herself a few lines of "I'm Not That Girl" from Wicked, the Musical. "Every so …To the land …But that …When reality …" Rachel sighed again as she nervously adjusted the straps before going down stairs. She wondered once more if she doing the right thing, going to this dance.

As she went downstairs, Rachel hoped her father wouldn't make a big deal about the dance. She just wanted to get the night done. Then she could say she went to the dance and everyone could leave her alone.

Trigon looked up when Rachel stepped off the stairs. "Wow, look at you. You look so pretty. Where's my little girl? What happened to my little girl who used for make mud pies for the unicorns she believed were real?"

_"Dad,_ I'm not a little girl."

"No, she's not. Trigon, your daughter has grown up, quite nicely, I might add," said a deep male voice. That voice belonged to Slade Wilson. He worked for her father. He was Trigon's right hand man. Sometimes, Slade came over to discuss work. Rachel made a point to not be around when he came over. She didn't know why but she didn't entirely trust him.

Rachel was sure most thought he was handsome. She couldn't argue with that. His white hair and goatee gave him a distinguished look. There was something about him that didn't settle well with the teen. He was too slick or sly. Rachel couldn't figure out why she felt the way she did but she often felt anxious around ,.

Seeing Slade, Rachel took a step back. To her father she said, "What's he doing here? Remember, tonight's the dance. I thought you were going to drop me off."

Trigon continued to look through some papers as he spoke, "We just have some business to attend to. Well go in a minute."

Rachel felt uneasy. She looked over and saw Slade watching her. She didn't like the way he looked at her. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and moved to stand on the other side of her father. Now Trigon blocked Slade's view of Rachel.

"I have to go get that file. I could drop her off at her dance. That way you could keep working here," offered Slade.

Rachel felt panic rise in her. She didn't want to go anywhere with him. She started towards the stairs. "That's okay. I don't have to go if you're busy."

"Stop," said Trigon, "you're going to this dance and I'm taking you. Slade, you go get that file. We'll meet back here in about twenty minutes."

Several minutes later, Trigon drove Rachel to school. They rode in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Trigon thought about Rachel's and Slade's reaction to each other. Rachel worried about the dance. Would everyone laugh at her?

Trigon broke the silence as they arrived at the school. "Will you need me to pick you up after this thing or what?"

Rachel shook her head. "No, one of my friends is giving me a ride. I shouldn't be very late. Um, are you sure this dress looks okay?"

Trigon nodded. "Yeah, you look pretty. You kind of remind me of your mom right now." That made Rachel smile a little.

Rachel took a deep breath, got out of the car and looked around. She was really going to do this. She was really going to a dance. Rachel turned back to the car to tell her dad something but he pulled away. 'Guess I can't change my mind now.'

Walking into the building, Rachel looked around. Everyone looked so different dressed up for the dance. Maybe it won't be as bad as she thought. Looking for her friends, Rachel entered the gym. She was amazed. Decorations and twinkling lights were all over the gym, completely transforming the large room into someplace magical.

Rachel first saw Kori. Kori's dress was perfect for her. Her dress was light purple. It was strapless, A-line and floor length. The bodice had several graduating layers of organza. The layers were different shades of pink and purple. There was a flower made of the same organza and colors on the waist. It had a sweetness and innocent of a "princess" gown.

Richard, Vic and Gar were with Kori. They seemed to be searching for someone. Kori spotted Rachel first. Kori exclaimed, "Ohmigosh! Rachel, look at you! Your dress is absolutely amazing. It is perfect for you."

Vic said, "Wow, spin around so we can all see."

"I don't think so. This isn't something to make a big deal about."

Richard said, "Are you kidding? This is the first time anyone has seen Rachel Roth in a dress."

Rachel rolled her eyes. Reluctantly, she quickly and self-consciously spun around. "There, happy now?"

Kori jumped up and down, clapping her hands. "Rachel, you look exquisitely beautiful. That color definitely matches your eyes."

"Pretty, not beautiful," Rachel corrected her, "but thank you. Your dress, now that's beautiful on you. You look like a princess."

"Thank you for your kind words, dear friend."

As they searched for the rest of their friends, Gar stayed back with Rachel. He leaned over to her and whispered, "I think you and your dress are more than just pretty." Rachel rolled her eyes and blushed as she watched him walk off the join the others.

They found Karen and Terra next. Their dresses matched their personalities. Karen's was a golden yellow halter dress. Silver sequined lace was around the waist and on the halter straps. The lace accented the ruched bust. The chiffon skirt swirled around her long, slim legs.

Terra's dress was fun and flirty. The bodice was yellow, green and blue with some white. It almost looked painted. The rhinestone belt lead down to the short flirty skirt. The skirt was several layers of sheer overlay. The layers repeated the colors of the bodice.

Kole and Garth showed up next. Kole's dress was a short apple green bubble dress. Wally soon joined them.

Jinni was the only one left to find and it was getting late. They wondered were she was. She was usually one of the first to arrive. Was something wrong? Should someone call her? Karen pulled out her phone just as Jinni walked into the gym. They were blown away by her dress.

Jinni's dress was like nobody else's . For one thing, she made it herself. It was made from a 1950s vintage pattern. It had a hunter green halter bodice. Many layers of tulle and nylon net made up the skirt that ended just below her knees. Hand stitched on the outer layer of the skirt was a net ruffle framed by dark green ribbons. Those ribbons circle repeatedly on the skirt. The cups of the bodice were layered with rayon taffeta, tulle and netting. It repeated the ruffle and ribbon detail from the skirt. That detail shaped and accented the bust line. She wore her hair, now with new pink streaks, in a vintage "pin-up girl" up-do.

"Wow! You made that? I've made and altered a few things, but I could never make anything like this," said Rachel as she studied Jinni's dress.

"It looks amazing. How'd you get the idea to make this style?" asked Karen.

Jinni laughed at her friend's reactions. They seemed amazed that she made such a complicated dress. "I saw an old movie over the summer and I liked some of the dresses. I've been toying with the idea. I'd even bought the fabric. I'd made up some of it but stopped because I didn't have a reason to finish it. When I found out about the dance, I knew I had to finish. It wasn't easy, all this hand sewing. It's great, isn't it?" She twirled around. Turning to Rachel, she said, "Look at you. See, it's not so bad wearing a dress?"

Gar said, "Yeah, I'm kinda surprised to see she's really wearing a dress."

Rachel raised an eyebrow, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, it's just, um, you and long sleeves …sweatshirts, uh …" Gar stammered.

Vic tried to help Gar out. "I think he's trying to say the dress is a nice change for you, cuz you're always covered up or something."

Rachel crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. Irritated, she said, "You think I have something to hide because I wear long sleeves all the time? What? You think I'm a cutter or something. I've told you, I'm not like other girls."

"I don't think that's what they mean. We've just never seen your arms. That's kinda suspicious. Ya know, ya can't blame us for wondering." Wally said. Seeing Jinni's glare he quickly finished, "But there's nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with being weird."

Rachel groaned and turned away from them. She said mainly to herself, "Why did I come to this thing? Who are they to criticize or analyze what I wear?" Kori, Jinni and Karen tried to calm Rachel down.

Karen said, "I don't think they mean anything. They're just being stupid guys. They know nothing about fashion."

"Karen's right, have you seen some of the things they wear?" Jinni laughed.

Kori agreed, "I think some of Gar's thing could walk off on their own."

"Maybe you're right? Maybe I'm too sensitive about some things?" They heard Terra laughing. Rachel turned around and saw Terra flirting with Gar. Rachel turned back around. "Ugh, I can't believe her. Look at her; she's practically hanging on him."

The three said at the same time, "Oooo, you like him."

"No, I don't!" said Rachel, a little too quickly. "I don't like him, not …like that. We're all just friends, right? I mean, I know some of you really like some of the guys, but basically we're all friends."

"Yes, friendship is the center of our relationships. We must focus on the friendship. Why is it you got upset about Terra and Gar if you do not have feelings for him?" asked Kori.

"I don't have those kinds of feelings for him. Like I said we're all just friends."

"Riiight, then why you looked like you wanted to pull her hair out?" said Jinni.

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know, I think it has more to do with how I feel about Terra than what I feel about Gar."

Karen said, "Guess I'll go see if I can distract her."

Jinni said, "Thanks, Karen. What do you mean?"

"I agree, I do not understand? I thought we all got along. Are we not all friends?"

The dark-haired girl sighed, "We are friends. It's just that sometimes Terra and I don't always …see things the same way. It's nothing. I've probably imagined things. Don't worry." She sighed again, "I guess I should go apologize to the guys."

When they joined their friends, Karen was talking to Terra and Kole, away from the others. Rachel went over to Gar, Vic and Wally. She was playing with the ends of her hair, twining it around her fingers. "Um, sorry I kinda snapped at you guys. I'm new to all of this, not really used to the whole dress and dance thing."

Gar shrugged his shoulders, "Hey, it's okay; it's no problem. We probably shouldn't have said anything about it."

"No, it was my fault. You didn't really say anything wrong. Guess I'm just overly sensitive about things like that. I overreacted, sorry I snapped."

Gar repeated, "No problem, don't worry about it. Dudes and dudettes, tonight's about havin' fun. C'mon, Rae, let's dance." He tried to pull her on to the dance floor.

Rachel shook her head, "I don't dance."

"Aww, come on, Rae," whined Gar.

"No and it's Rachel, not Rae, not Rach."

Gar tried, "What about Chel or Chelly?"

"No."

Gar grumbled, "Aww, you're no fun."

"Never said I was."

Terra came up to them. She grabbed Gar's arm and pulled him towards the dance floor. "C'mon, Gar, I love this song. It's one of my favorites."

To Rachel Gar said, "I'll check with you later, Rae-ch-el" As they walked away he said to Terra, "Didn't you say that about that other song?"

Terra giggled as she glared over her shoulder to Rachel. "Yeah, so, can't a girl have a lotta favorites?"

Rachel rolled her eyes again. 'She's really getting on my nerves but maybe I should try to get along with her. After all, she was friends with them first. Rachel watched her friends and everyone else dance, have fun.

* * *

 

Everyone decided to take a break from dancing. Some went get a snack while the others went over to Rachel.

A guy walked up to the group of friends. He draped his arm around Rachel's shoulders. "So, who's your new friend? I don't think we've met."

Rachel slipped away from him and glared at the guy with short blond hair. "Roy, leave her alone," said Jinni.

He repeated, "I don't think we've met. You must be new or not go to school here. Thought I knew all the hot girls at JCHS. I'm Roy …"

Rachel interrupted him and flatly said, "You're Roy Harper, I know. And your goal is to score every 'hot' girl in school." She rolled her eyes, disgusted.

"So then why haven't I met you before? I'd remember a hot little thing like you."

"You do know her, she's Rachel Roth."

"Goth Roth? Hmm, could've fooled me. Never would've guessed you'd have a body like that under all those layers." Rachel let out an exasperated sigh. He went up to Rachel. "So, what are you doing next week?"

Vic stepped between them "Leave her alone."

Roy said, "Sorry, I thought you were here with Karen. Didn't know she was here with you."

Vic said, "She's not with me. We're all here as friends."

"C'mon, Vic, what's wrong with a guy wantin' to have some fun with a pretty girl?" Roy put his hand on Vic's shoulder. "You understand, don't you? You like pretty girls; after all, you're kinda going with Karen. I'm just lookin' for some fun. It's not like I'm gonna hurt her."

"Back off, Rachel doesn't need you messin' with her," Vic said protectively.

"Did you come here to hit on every girl or did you come with someone?" asked Richard.

Wally said, "Dude, if you have a date then she not gonna be happy you're hitting on Rachel."

"Of course I'm here with someone. She went off with her friend to check their makeup or something," said Roy. He went over to Rachel and tried to hit on her again.

She brushed him off. "You're a persistent jerk. I'm not gonna go out with you."

Irritated with have to work so hard he said, "Why, are you not allowed to date? Does daddy think his little princess is too young to be going on dates? Are you that precious to him?"

Angry that he brought up her father she pushed Roy hard enough that he took a few steps back. "Shut up," she growled, "You don't know anything."

Her friends were surprised by Rachel's outburst. Vic asked, "Hey, Rae, are you okay?"

Crossing her arms she said, "Sorry. Yeah, I'm fine."

A female's voice said, "Of course she's 'fine'. You know like fucked up, insecure, neurotic and emotional."

Everyone turned to see Kitten in a raspberry pink dress. It was strapless and had a sweetheart neckline. It was fitted and floor-length. It flared at the knee forming a skirt at three hemline. Several rows of ruffles wrapped around the dress. The ruffles started at the neckline, went around the dress and ended at the hem. Cami was with her in a red floor-length dress with a deep v-neckline and a deep plunging V-shaped back. The back was accented with silver beads and sequins to look like a jewelry.

Kitten continued, "Roy, leave her alone. You don't want to screw around with her, she's nothing. The little freak tries to act like nothing bothers her, that she's an ice queen. But everyone knows she's just a scared little girl. She's always looking for acceptance and approval. I'm surprised you actually found someone to take you in. You know it's just because they pity you."

"Kitten, nobody here wants you spewing your venom around here. Go way."

Kitten rolled her eyes. "What-ever. Like anyone would want to hang out with you losers." She walked off whispering to Cami.

Roy didn't follow them. "Sorry about her, sometimes she's a little harsh. It take a while to get 'er to open up."

Kitten saw that Roy didn't follow her. "Roy!" she called out, "Come here, now!"

Roy grimaced but followed the two girls.

Kole said straight-faced, "Oh yeah Kitten's a shrinking violet." Everyone else laughed.

Rachel said, "Go, dance, have fun."

Kori's concerned. "Are you sure? I want you to be having fun as well."

"I am having fun." She smiled, realizing she was telling the truth. "I'm having fun watching you guys dance. I also like seeing all the dresses. Trust me, tonight's turning out better than I thought it would. I could've done with out Kitten, though." Kori still looked unsure. "Richard, take Kori out there and show her a good time."

* * *

 

Rachel stood by and watched everyone else dancing and having fun. Sometimes a guy came up to her and tried to get her to dance. Every time she turned them down. After a few songs, one of her friends tried to get her to join them and dance. She refused each time they asked. As she watched everyone, she thought about what Kitten said. 'You're wrong, Kitten, they are my friends. They don't pity me. I don't know, maybe there was a little of that in the beginning but not now. I can't stand you, Kitten, why can't you just leave me alone.' While she watched her friends having fun, she noticed a guy watching her. She crosses her arms and leans against the wall. She hoped that if she looked bored, he'll go away.

After Garth, Jinni and Kori unsuccessfully tried to her Rachel to join them on the dance floor; the guy walked over to her. "Why would you get dressed up and come to the dance if you're not gonna dance?"

Rachel looked over to see a guy who was maybe sixteen. He had dark brown hair and expressive warm brown eyes. She uncrossed her arms enough to indicate to herself, "This, it's most likely a one time thing. "

He said, "I still don't see why'd you come to the dance if you're not gonna dance and have fun."

"You're not dancing," she pointed out.

"I'm new here and my mom made me come but I have been dancing, trying to make some friends. What about you? If dances aren't your thing, why'd you come?"

"Not that it's any of your business, but my dad made me come." She looked back out to the crowd.

"Looks like our parents like to micromanage our lives sometimes. By the way I'm Jason Xavier and you're …?" he said.

"I'm Rachel Roth and I already have friends, I don't need anymore." She inwardly cringed, that came out harsher than she wanted. 'This guy is cute, why am I trying to push him away. Maybe Kitten's right after all; I'm just too afraid.'

As if he was reading her mind, he smirked, "If you'd lighten up, stop being so afraid, you might be able to have some fun."

The raven-haired girl turned back to him. "Hey, I do have fun. I just don't like dances."

Seeing Rachel blush, he smiled. "Okay, so where would you want to be if you if you weren't here, at the library?"

"Yes, actually I would. I enjoy reading, there's nothing wrong with that. There are other things I like to do but I'm not going to tell you. And I'm not afraid. If I wanted to, I could go out there. I just don't want to."

Jason chuckled, he was surprised he guessed right. "Okay, if you say so, Bubbles. I'm gonna go see some of my other new friends. I'll be back later to see if you've changed your mind about dancing."

"I highly doubt it." As she watched him walk away Rachel wondered, 'Bubbles? What did he mean by that?'

* * *

 

Rachel saw everyone having fun, whether they're dancing or talking. Even the chaperones seemed to be having fun. Rachel decided to dance. The song wasn't too fast. Her friends were excited to have her join them. After a few songs, a slow song starts. Everyone seemed to become couples, leaving Rachel by herself on the dance floor. It was almost as if it was musical chairs and she was left out.

Every time she tried to leave the dance floor, her path was blocked. Rachel was separated from her friends. They didn't know that Rachel felt trapped. As the dancing teens surrounding her began to laugh, the somber-eyed girl felt the panic building in her. She was afraid something like this would happen. Rachel struggled to keep her angry and embarrassed tears in check. She couldn't, she wouldn't let them see her cry.

Jason noticed Rachel dancing, he smiled. She was a little awkward as she shyly danced. He decided to go over and tease her about dancing. When she's separated from her friends and the music suddenly slows. She was left alone; he could almost sense her panic. Jason heard some of the comments made about Rachel. That girl's such a freak; She's a loser; So she can dress up, doesn't mean she's not a freak; Kitten is brilliant, her plan is going just as she said it would; Aww look, the freak's gonna cry.

Jason didn't know who Kitten was but he decided he didn't like her. He had only talked to Rachel a few minutes but she seemed okay, a little cold maybe. But that could be because she was shy; he didn't know. He was curious about her. He wondered if he could get her to open up more. She got out there and danced, not that that had anything to do with him. Maybe she only went out there as some sort of challenge.

He went up to Rachel, touched her shoulder and said, "There you are Bubbles. I've been looking for you."

She looked up at him with an expression that was a mixture of confusion and distress. "Jason? Wh-what?"

"I'm here for that dance you promised me." Jason took one of her hands. She still looked very confused. He instructed her, "Put your hands on my shoulders, we're gonna dance." Rachel hesitantly put her hands on Jason's shoulders. When he placed his hands at her waist, she took a step back. They were about as far apart as they could be and still be slow dancing. Jason chuckled softly, "We could probably get a little closer. It's not like this is a parochial school or something."

Rachel closed her eyes and took a few deep breaths. She took a step closer to Jason. He felt her relax some. Without looking at him, she whispered, "Thank you."

"Why? I'm just getting the dance you promised me."

Rachel looked up at him, confused. "But I didn't ,I …"

"Guess I misunderstood. But since we're here, we might as well have fun."

Rachel glanced around. Everyone was watching them and talking about them. She didn't really like that but they have stopped laughing at her. A small smile formed on her lips. She repeated, "Thank you."

When the song ended Rachel slowly stepped away from Jason. "Um, I should probably go find my friends. Thanks again for the dance."

Jason shrugged, "It was just one dance. I didn't do anything special." He turned to leave. Rachel called out, "Hey, um, you said you were new in town?" Jason nodded. "Maybe I could show you around sometime. I mean, I don't know where everything is but maybe I could help. Or maybe some of my friends could."

He chuckled, "Sure, that'd be cool. See ya around school, Bubbles."

As Rachel told her friends about Kitten's plan and dancing with Jason, she wondered again what 'bubbles' meant. Kori nearly crushed Rachel when she heard about Jason. Rachel tried to brush it off but she thought she might like him, a little.

* * *

 

Rachel was going towards the stairs when Trigon called out, "Rach?"

She cringed at that nickname. Poking her head in the study, "Yeah, Dad?"

"I just wanted to see how the dance went."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders, "It was okay, I guess." They just look at each other for a moment. Rachel felt like her father wanted to say more. Since he didn't say anything, she turned to leave. She stopped when she heard him clear his throat. Again, they just looked at each other.

Finally, Trigon spoke. "Um, Rach, what do you think of Slade?"

That question surprised Rachel. She knew she had to be careful answering. She didn't want to upset her father by letting him know that Slade gave her the creeps. "Mr. Wilson? He seems, um, smart?" 'What is this about?'

"He is, he's very smart and tough, as business partner," said Trigon. "I would want him on my side in any fight; whether that fight's in the boardroom or otherwise." Rachel wondered where this conversation was going. He continued, "I just don't trust him with my daughter. Promise me you'll never be alone with him."

Rachel was thrown off by her father's request. "Um, okay, but why do you say that?"

He retorted, "It doesn't matter why. Are you going to do what I asked?" She agreed to that before going up to bed.

As climbed into bed, Rachel thought about the dance. 'I guess it wasn't that bad.' She blushed thinking about the attention she got, all because she was wearing a dress. Her thoughts turned to her conversation with her dad. 'Where did that come from? Did he sense how I felt with Slade here tonight? Dad's being protective. He's never really been like that before. Sure, he'd probably pull me out of the path of an oncoming car, but he doesn't give a second thought to hitting me. Why now? Was it something I've done or said? Or was it Slade? Did he say something while I was at the dance? I don't know. I do know that I do not have a problem with wanting to avoid him. I'll never figure dad out.' Rachel fell asleep and did something she never thought she'd do, she dreamt about the dance.


	9. I'm So Sick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Flyleaf or these lyrics.

* * *

" _ **I will break into your thoughts / With what's written on my heart / I will break, break / I'm so sick, infected with / Where I live / Let me live without this / Empty bliss, selfishness**_ **"-I'm So Sick, Flyleaf**

* * *

 

Early Saturday morning, Vic had to get some groceries. As he drove by a local park, he noticed Rachel sitting on a park bench under a tree. She was away from everyone else and appeared to be studying.

Later that afternoon, Vic went to the same park to play basketball. He was surprised to see Rachel still there. She was in the same spot. She was still studying so he didn't bother her. After playing a few hours, he went over to her. "Hey, Rae, whatcha doin'?" She jumped. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare ya. Mind if I join ya?"

Rachel picked up the pen she dropped. She shrugged, "Don't worry about it. I just wasn't expecting anyone. But sure, sit if you want to."

He teased her, "Not with your boyfriend today?"

"Jason's not my boyfriend."

"Really? Cuz you've spent all your free time with him this week, ever since the dance."

"He's new here and we just seem to have a lot to talk about."

He laughed, "You, talking a lot? Sure you two aren't kissing a lot?"

Rachel glared up at her friend.

Ignoring her, Vic picked up a book as he sat. He flipped through it. "So, doin' homework?"

"No, just sort of copying some things." Vic picked another book, it's a cookbook. He gave her a curious look.

She explained, "At the library, I found some books with recipes and sewing and knitting patterns that are similar to those my mom did. I don't know if they're the same but they're close to what I remember. And sometimes, I think my handwriting reminds me of my mom's. I know it's a crazy idea. I just thought I could …uh pretend to have something from my mom. Dumb idea, right?"

Flipping through a cookbook, Vic said, "Naw, I get it. You want to be close to your mom. Sometimes, I cook things my mom used to make. It's almost like she's there with me." He saw the recipe she just finished copying. "Thanksgiving dinner? You're gonna cook a turkey?"

Rachel laughed quietly, "No, of course not, but I helped my mom one year. I helped her with everything for that thanksgiving. I think I was nine. I even helped her prepare the turkey. Ew, that was so gross, cleaning the turkey. I'm surprised I'm not a vegetarian like Gar. I probably would be except I don't like most vegetables."

Vic let out a hearty laugh. "Girl, you're crazy, in a good way."

They talked some more. Flipping through the cookbooks, he shared some memories. Looking at all that food made Vic hungry. He had an idea. "Hey,wanna come to my house for dinner? My grandma just moved in and she'd love to meet one of my friends."

"Are you sure? I don't want to barge in on your family. Maybe you won't have enough food made."

"Are you kidding? We probably have enough food to feed you for a week."

Rachel thought for a minute. She didn't like meeting new people, but she didn't want to go home yet. Trigon was in a bad mood because some business deal didn't go his way. He'd probably be working with Slade tonight. "Okay, as long as you're sure."

"Of course, there's always plenty of food in the Stone household."

Rachel raised an eyebrow, "Really? Because I've seen the way you eat. If it's not nailed down, you'll probably eat it."

"Ha-ha, aren't you funny. Come on, let's go. I'll carry some of your things."

"Okay, just a minute, I should call my dad and let him know where I'll be." She thought as she dialed, 'Not that he cares.' When she called home and told her father she'd be at Vic's house, he didn't question her, even though he'd never met Vic.

They entered Vic's house, he called out, "Hey all, I'm back and I brought a friend for dinner." Vic's dad and grandmother came to meet Rachel. "This is my friend, Rachel Roth. She's kinda new to our group. I ran into her at the park. We got to talking about food so I asked her over. That's okay, right?"

Vic's dad, Silas said, "No problem. Your friends are always welcome. So, Rachel, a little thing like you, is into food like my son?"

Rachel said flatly, "No one could eat like Vic. He'd eat a burger the size of his car if given the chance."

Vic's grandmother, Gayle and his dad laughed. "She's got your number, my boy," he said.

Laughing, Vic said, "I'm gonna take a quick shower. Be down in a few minutes."

Gayle said to Rachel, "Why don't you come and help me finish things."

"Okay, but I'm not very good in the kitchen."

"Well, then you can keep me company."

Something in the kitchen smelled delicious and Rachel mentioned that. "That would be my famous bacon macaroni and cheese," said Gayle, "It's one of Vic's favorites."

Rachel stood by and watched Gayle cook. After a few minutes she said "I feel like I should do something to help. Is there anything very easy that I could do?"

Gayle had Rachel start making the salad. Then she showed Rachel how to finish the biscuits. After struggling to keep the sleeves of her wool sweater out of the way, Rachel decided to roll them up.

It was late September but the weather was still warm. Gayle noticed Rachel's action and commented on it. "Victor said you weren't like some of the other girls."

Rachel looked down at her hands. "Yeah, I guess I'm not very normal."

"Honey, nothing in life is normal except the cycle on the washing machine."

Rachel truly smiled for the first time since entering Vic's house.

Gayle smiled back and said, "So you don't do much in the kitchen?"

Rachel shrugged, "Not really." She thought a moment. "I used to help my mom a lot. She was a good cook. I guess I didn't inherit that."

"What part of your mama did you inherit?"

Rachel took a moment before answering. She had to think about it. "Um, I guess I'd have to say my hair and eyes. They're the same color as hers."

"You have soulful eyes. And what did you get from your dad?"

Without giving it a second thought, Rachel said, "My stubbornness."

Gayle said, "Victor told me that it's just you and your dad. That you moved here a few years ago."

Rachel smiled sadly, "Mom got sick and after she was gone we just couldn't stay there. Dad had always wanted to move to a big city. Plus the headquarters for his company is here in Jump City."

"I'm sorry about your mom. Was she sick long?"

Rachel sighs, "I was in sixth grade when she started seeing doctors. A few years later she was gone." She wondered, 'Why am I telling her this? I don't tell anyone about my family. If anyone ever asks, it's just: it's dad and me, mom's gone. No one asks anything else so I never say anything more. Why does everyone seem to care all of the sudden? Why should they care?

Gayle gives her a hug. "I'm so sorry. It must be hard on you and your dad. I know it's been hard for Silas and Victor after they lost Elinore in the car accident."

Shrugging her shoulders Rachel said, "It's been tough at times." The two females continue cooking in silence.

Vic was about to enter the kitchen but stopped when he heard his grandmother ask Rachel a question. Gayle asked, "Would you like to come over here sometime, I could give you some cooking lessons?

There was silence while Rachel thought about it. Vic was afraid she'd turn down his grandmother, just as she turned down most things. Vic knew that Rachel wasn't like most girls. He believed her when she said she liked to be alone. But a part of him felt sorry for her. He thought she might be lonely. If her father was anything like his dad was, he probably threw himself into his work. He understood if Rachel sometimes felt ignored by her father.

He smiled when he heard Rachel say, "Guess I could come over every now and then, …if you don't mind teaching me. I don't know how good I'll be."

Vic waited a few minutes before entering the kitchen. He didn't want Rachel to suspect he'd been listening. "Hey grandma, what smells so good? Is that my favorite? If I'd known you were making this I'd have been home sooner."

Gayle nudged Rachel with her elbow, as if she was saying 'told you it was his favorite.'

The two family members chatted while the three set the table. Rachel stared at all the food on table. 'Vic was right. There's enough food here to feed me for at least a week.'

A part of Rachel was envious of Vic and his interaction with his family. She noticed at times he and his dad were sometimes strained but for the most part, they got along. She knew she was "the quiet one" but she wished she was comfortable enough to be open with others.

She was thinking about that when Silas interrupted her thoughts, "So Rachel, what are you going to make for your first cooking lesson?"

"How did you know?"

"Mom likes to cook and she's always giving lessons. You'd think she had her own show, the way she gave lesson when I was a kid," said Silas. "What are you going to make?"

"I don't know," Rachel turned to Gayle, "what should I make?"

"Well, is there anything you've been want to make?" Rachel shook her head. "I can cook or bake just about anything. If I don't know how, then we have plenty of cookbooks."

Vic asked Rachel, "What about a favorite dessert?" He then asked his grandmother, "Do I get sample the things you girls make?"

"Brownies?" answered Rachel, more like a question than a statement. "Are you sure you want to eat anything I make? I don't want to be accused of poisoning you."

Everyone was enjoying dinner when someone knocked on the door. It was more like pounding instead of knocking. Trigon yelled "Rachel, get out here!"

Everyone looked around the table. Rachel's shoulders dropped, she thought, 'Great. It's dad.'

Trigon kept pounding on the door. "Rachel Tara Roth, get out here now!"

As they went to the door, Rachel apologized. "Sorry, that's my dad. I guess there must be something urgent."

Silas and Vic cautiously opened the door. They found a very angry Trigon on the other side of the door. "Where is she?" he growls.

Rachel stepped up to the door, "Dad? What is wro …?"

Trigon grabbed Rachel's arm and pulled her away from Vic and the others. He snarled, "We're going home, now."

Vic stood in front of them, blocking their way to the car hastily parked in the driveway. "She's not going anywhere with you. Not while you're acting like this."

Trigon shoved Vic aside.

Vic growled, "You did not just push me?" He got in Trigon's face ready to fight. The teen was nearly as tall as the angry father was. However, Vic was a little more muscular due to football.

"Vic! Victor! Stop!" Rachel stepped between two fuming males. She tried to push Vic away from her father. "Vic, it's alright. Thank you for being concerned but I'll be okay. He's just angry. He's not gonna hurt me." She hoped she wasn't lying.

Trigon glared at everyone before he told Rachel, "I'm going to the car, you have one minute."

Vic looked down at her. "Are you sure you'll be okay? You shouldn't have to go with him if you're afraid."

"It's okay. He's angry but he won't hurt me," Rachel repeated. "Thank your grandmother again for the cooking lesson. Thanks for having me over." Trigon called for her. She called back that she'd be there in a minute. To Vic she said, "I'm sorry he messed things up. I'll see you at school."

Rachel hurried to the car. Vic and his family watched with concern as Trigon speed out of the driveway.

Rachel was angry and embarrassed. "What was that about?"

"I didn't know you were having dinner there."

"I told you I was going to be at Vic's house. You said it was okay. So what's this all about?" Her voice trailed off as she got an idea about why he was upset. "Is this because Vic's black?"

Trigon growled, "I don't want you getting 'involved' with one of them."

Her father's reaction shocked Rachel. "I'm not 'involved' with him. Vic and I are just friends. All of us in the group are just friends. I think Vic looks at Kori and me as his sisters."

They continued to argue about Rachel's friends and the possibility of her having boyfriends.

Rachel said, "Nothing's gonna happen. I'm not gonna …Dad! Look out!"

Trigon swerved to avoid hitting something in the middle of the street. To keep from hitting a tree, he slammed on the breaks. The car jolted to a stop. The two were sent forward.

Trigon slowly sat up. He turned off the car. He looked over to Rachel who was carefully drawing back from the dashboard. "Are you okay?" She was trying to calm down her panicked breathing. He's seen her scared expression before. He's seen his daughter struggle to suppress her fears many times.

"What happened?" her voice wavered.

"What the hell was that thing back there?" He thought Rachel still looked shaken. Trigon asked her again, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I, I think so. How about you, are you okay?"

Trigon nodded, "Yeah, I think I'm going to have a bruise but I'll be al right." He's been studying his daughter. He turned her head to the side. She had a cut on her forehead. "You have a small cut; it's more like a scratch. You'll be fine. I'm going out to check on the car."

Pain shoot up Rachel's left arm, causing her to wince. She looked down to see what's wrong.

Trigon's finished checking out the car. Everything seemed all right. He heard the panic in his daughter's voice when she called for him. He looked in on her. Rachel was gently cradling her wrist that was swelling and turning black and blue.

Rachel murmured, "I think it's broken."

Trigon reached for her arm, "Let me see." When he touched it, she whimpered in pain. "Damn, we'll have to go to the hospital."

Rachel was trying to suppress a wave of nausea that was come over her. She whispered, "Sorry."

Trigon groaned. Everything about that night was irritating him. On the way to the hospital he told her, "We have to get your wrist checked out, but don't tell them anything."

Rachel had her eyes closed. She was trying to stay calm. "I know that. You swerved to avoid hitting something in the middle of the road. Any other injuries I have are because I'm a klutz. You have nothing to do with it."

"Good girl."

He helped her into the hospital. "Let me do the talking."

Rachel was surprised to hear her father sound so concerned. She thought, 'It's all an act. He doesn't care.'

Sitting in the waiting room, Rachel began to shiver; she was going into shock. Rachel's pallid complexion truly did concern Trigon. Even after beatings, he had never seen her as pale as that.

In the exam room, the nurse needed to cut the sleeve of Rachel's sweater so she could examine her wrist. Rachel refused, "No, this is my mom's sweater."

The nurse said, "Sweetie, honey, you're mom will understand. She won't be mad at you. She …"

Rachel whined, "No. She made this sweater; it was hers. She can never make another. She's gone, I don't have her anymore."

The nurse tried again. "I'll be careful. I'll cut it along the seam so you can sew it back up. We need to get your wrist free."

"No!" Pain and determination covered Rachel's face. "I'll take it off myself." Before anyone could say or do anything, Rachel began to slide her sleeve over her wrist that was now swollen to twice the normal size.

* * *

 

Trigon had to help Rachel out of the car. With one arm around her waist and the other one at her uninjured arm, he guided her up the front stairs. He was careful not to touch her cast. Rachel was a little unsteady. He asked her, "Sure you're all right? You were very quiet in the car, quieter than usual."

Rachel murmured, "I'm …tired. The painkillers make me …feel like I'm in a …haze."

He leaned her against the house while he unlocked the door. After opening the door, he turned in time to see his daughter slump down along the wall. He rushed over to her. He caught her before she fell over onto her newly cast arm. "Rachel?"

"I'm …okay." Rachel's eyes fluttered open a few times before closing again.

He cautiously gathered his daughter into his arms. Taking care to protect her injured wrist, he picked her up. It surprised him how small she seemed. It has been years since he's had to carry her to bed because she fell asleep. Trigon carried her into the house and carefully laid Rachel on the sofa.

"Rach, Rachel, wake up," he said trying to get her to come around.

She struggled to open her eyes. "So …sleepy." She started to close her eyes again.

Clutching her shoulders, he gave her a slight shake. "Rachel, come on, wake up." Her eyes opened slightly. "Rachel, does your head hurt?" He was worried about her having a concussion.

"No …not …hurts. Just …so …so …tired. Please…sleep."

Trigon draped a throw over her, "Okay, rest for awhile."

Rachel fell asleep as her father called the doctor. The doctor reassured him that she was fine as long as her breathing was steady. He just needed to check on her throughout the night.

After a while, Trigon checked on her. She was just sleeping; she was all right. While watching his daughter sleep he thought of his wife, 'Angela, I didn't realize I was so scared tonight. Rachel was so pale and in so much pain. I've never seen her like that.'

Trigon got up and walked around the room. He stopped When he saw his daughter's phone. He picked it up and flipped through the contacts. He looked at the new numbers. Some numbers belonged to boys. Rachel never had so many friends and she'd never had boys as friends.

Trigon groaned as he set the phone down. 'It looks like our little girl is growing up. She's getting interested in boys. I don't know what to do. I wish you were here, Angela. You were always so good with her. She's a lot like you. Not only in looks, she's also overly sensitive about things. She's getting to be a handful. Sometimes I have to…' he sighed, 'I don't know what to do with her.'

* * *

 

Rachel began to wake up. She could tell she wasn't in her room. Opening her eyes, she saw that she was in the family room. The whole house was dark except for the moonlight shining through the family room windows.

Shifting, she felt the weight of the cast on her arm. She groaned, remembering that she broke her wrist. Hearing a noise, she looked to the chair next to the sofa. Rachel blinked a few times to make sure she was seeing things clearly. She was; her father was asleep in the chair.

She wondered why he would be sleeping in the chair. 'It's not like he cares, or does he. I've never been hurt bad enough to go to the hospital. Maybe he got scared into caring about me.' Rachel shifted around trying to find a comfortable position. As she fell asleep she thought, 'Wonder how long this will last?'

Rachel woke up to the sound and smell of bacon frying on the stove. It was morning but she had no idea what time it was. She tried to push the throw aside but she's tangled in it.

Hearing his daughter waking up Trigon went over to see how she was. "How are you feeling?"

"Better, I guess. I still feel a little tired but not bad. I wish I didn't have this," she held up her wrist with the cast, "I can't do anything with it on."

Trigon helped her get untangled. "It's a little before ten. Want something to eat? I've made up some bacon and I can have pancakes done in no time."

Rachel winced some as she shrugged her shoulders. She went to the kitchen table. "You mean I slept more than twelve hours?"

Placing a plate of bacon on the table Trigon said, "Well, I guess you needed your rest to start healing. Besides you said the painkillers made you exhausted."

Not remembering anything after getting to the hospital, Rachel asked, "Did I, um say anything else?

"No," he sat down with a stack of pancakes, "you just refused to let the nurse take off your sweater. You insisted on taking it off yourself because it belonged to Angela. When'd you start wearing her stuff?"

Rachel took a deep breath, hoping she wouldn't get in trouble. "I found some of mom's things in the closet in the guest room. I found them over the summer. I didn't think you'd mind so I didn't ask. I'm sorry, but they help me feel close to her."

"No. that's fine. I just never noticed you wearing her things. Guess that explains why things looked big on you; Angela was taller than you."

They ate in silence for a while. Trigon asked, "Did you sleep all right on the sofa?"

Rachel nodded, "Why was I sleeping on the sofa anyway?"

"The doctor wanted me to keep an eye on you."

"Oh," she simply said. 'He only did it because the doctor told him to.'

Trigon began clearing off the table. "You could have had a concussion. I was very worried about you. I didn't want anything like what happened to Angela happening to you."

"Oh," Rachel repeated dumbly. 'He was …worried?'

* * *

 

Rachel struggled to switch her books at lunchtime. She was having trouble getting the books on the top shelf of her locker while being careful of her wrist.

Vic came up to her, "Hey Rae, I brought the things you left at my house. Did your dad finally calm down? What was his problem anyway? I wanted to call you last night but my dad told me to wait." When he saw her cast, concern then anger crossed his features. "What happened to you? Did your dad do that to you? I'll kick his ass if he did."

Rachel had to wave her good arm in front of him to get his attention and stop his raving. "Vic! No, my dad didn't to this. We were in a car accident. Seriously, you're gonna beat up my dad?"

"If I find out he did this to you, I will. What kind a guy hurts his daughter like that?"

The two went through the cafeteria doors looking for their friends. In a harsh whisper, Rachel said, "Victor! He didn't touch me. This was an accident." Vic still looked a little suspicious but let up some when they found the others.

Gar cried out, "Dude, what happened to you?"

"Her dad did this to her," Vic scowled. The others were shocked.

Rachel glared at Vic, "No, he had nothing to do with it. We were in a car accident. Something was in the street. He swerved and this happened."

"Oh, how scary," said Kori full of concern. "What was in the road? I hope it was not a kid or a puppy."

"Don't know. We just saw something but we don't know what it was. It was gone by the time my dad got out of the car."

Getting excided, Gar said, "Dude, bet ya it was a zombie or an alien. Oooh, could've been a vampire."

Gar received a glare from each of them. Rachel said flatly, "You are so messed up."

Richard asked, "When did this happen?"

"Yesterday, early in the evening. It was still daylight so it wasn't a vampire."

"Hold on, dude, if it happened yesterday, why didn't I see your cast this morning in class?"

Rachel poked at her food. "Uh, you were late to class."

"Oh yeah, that's right, I was talking to Terra." Rachel rolled her eyes at the mention of Terra.

"I have an idea," said Kori. They could practically see the light bulb form over Kori's head. "I will take notes for you in history. Everyone who has the same classes should do the same."

"Thanks, Kori, but it's my left wrist that's broken. I'm right-handed so I can still write."

Kori shrugged, "I will still take careful notes in case you need them. I think we should do anything to help our friend in her time of need."

* * *

 

Jason met Rachel under the same tree on the edge of school property. It was where he's met her all last week. Of course, he found her reading. He was surprised to see she was wearing a cast. "Hey, what happened to you?"

She groaned, she was tired of explaining what happened. "Knew I should've made a sign to give details about this." Jason raised an eyebrow. "Sorry, I shouldn't have snapped. I just think I've had to explain the cast at least a million times." A small smile crossed her lips, "But I don't mind telling the story once more." Her smile faded, "I was in a car accident. My dad was driving and swerved to miss hitting something."

"Oh my god, was anyone else hurt?"

"My dad got a few bruises but I got the worst of it." She frowned, 'As usual.'

"That doesn't explain these." Jason picked up one of Rachel's long braids. He waved in front of her face.

"These are Kori's idea. With only one hand to use, I had trouble keeping my hair out of the way. She came up with this brilliant idea. I don't mind wearing my hair in a single braid, occasionally. But two braids, ugh, I know she was trying to help. But they make me feel like I'm a little girl."

"Well, I think they're cute."

"Really? Then maybe we need to get you a wig so you can have braids. You'd look absolutely adorable." He laughed. They started to think up different wig and color combinations for their friends. Before long, they were laughing uncontrollably. Rachel didn't know the last time she had laughed like that. She has laughed some with her new friends but not like this. Not the type of laugh that made your sides hurt and tears form in your eyes.

They began to settle down after their hysterical laughing fit. Jason looked at Rachel. Her cheeks were slightly pink from laughing so hard. He thought she looked pretty with some color on her cheeks.

He said, "You have a leaf in your hair; it must've fallen from the tree." Rachel was trying to find it. "Here, I'll help you."

Jason reached up to pick the leaf out of her hair. Their fingers touched. They froze. They gazed into each other's eyes. He leaned closer to her. Jason was so close, Rachel was sure he could hear her heart beating wildly. As he leaned in even closer, she held her breath. They closed their eyes. For a few seconds his lips gently caressed hers. They pulled apart. She blinked several times. 'My first …kiss. I can't believe he kissed me.'

Jason held up the leaf that was in her hair. Rachel took it from him. She whispered thank you. She was definitely blushing now.

She leaned over to Jason. After hesitating a second, she returned the kiss. They kissed a little longer this time. When they broke away, Rachel's face was beet-red. They were both smiling.

"Did you wanna get a coffee or something?" asked Jason.

Rachel nodded, "Okay, sure." Holding hands, they walked to small, neighborhood diner.

They choose a booth away from everyone else. Sitting opposite of one another, they gazed at the other one. They reached across the table. Their fingers were almost touching when the waitress appeared at their table. Rachel shyly pulled her hand away from his.

Jason looked up at the waitress. "Oh hi, mom. This is Rachel Roth."

His mother smiled, "So this is the Rachel? It's nice to meet the girl my son hasn't stopped talking about all week."

Jason groaned, "Mooom!"

Rachel blushed and smiled. She liked the idea that he had been thinking of her like she had been thinking of him.

Jason interrupted her thoughts. "This is my mom, Deborah." His mom wrinkled her nose.

"Nice to meet you Mrs. Xavier."

"Naw, call me Debbie. So, what'll you two have?"

Jason ordered a cappuccino. Rachel asked, "Do you have herbal tea?" Debbie nodded. "Peppermint?"

"We have spearmint."

Rachel smiled, "Okay, I'll have a spearmint herbal tea."

While they waited for their drinks, they talked about school that day. Rachel hated that she broke her wrist but now she had a legitimate reason not to participate in P.E. She now got to work in the library, so she was happy.

When Debbie bought their order she also brought a plate of homemade cookies.

"Mom, you didn't need to do that."

"I know, I just thought you two might like a snack."

They continued to talk. Every time they reached for a cookie, their finger touched. Each time Rachel blushed She wore a small smile on her lips. Although she had a broken wrist, this was the happiest she had been in a long time.


	10. The Only Exception

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Paramore or these lyrics.

 

* * *

**" _ **And I've always lived like this / Keeping a comfortable, distance / And up until now / I had sworn to myself that I'm content / With loneliness**_ **"-The Only Exception, Paramore****

* * *

 At their lunch table, everyone was talking. Rachel just listened as usual. She usually didn't say much except to insert an occasional sarcastic comment. Sometimes she read or listened to music. The fact that it irritated some of her friends, like Terra, was just a bonus.

While reading, Rachel felt like someone was watching her. She looked up, scanned the cafeteria, and found his brown eyes. A small smile and slight blush crept onto her face. When he left, she looked back down at her book and smiled 'He snuck out of class to see me?'

Rachel didn't realize Kori saw their interaction across the crowded room. Rachel tried to go back to reading but she kept thinking about Jason. Again, Rachel felt like she was being watched. When she looked up, Rachel saw Kori was wearing a large grin and looking at her. Kori was giddy and almost dancing in her seat. Rachel creased her brow, "What?"

Kori just giggled and said, "Oh nothing."

When Kori kept, unsuccessfully, trying to stifle her giggles, Rachel slammed her book shut. She glared at the giggling redhead. "What? What's so funny?"

"Sorry." Kori tried to suppress her smile but her eyes still twinkled with excitement. "Um, Rachel would come with me to the hall? I want to talk with you."

Rachel looked at the others at the table and wondered if they knew why Kori was acting stranger than normal. Everyone was talking and not paying attention to them. Sighing, Rachel said, "Fine. If it'll stop this laughing fit you're having."

Kori clapped her hands. "Wonderful. Everybody, Rachel and I will be right back. We have to …go use the bathroom."

The two girls went to the restroom across from the cafeteria. Kori brushed her hair while she waited for a girl to leave. She checked to make sure they were alone. Rachel leaned against a sink with her arms crossed. "Okay, Kori what's this all about?"

"You like him, do you not?"

"What? Who?" Rachel was taken aback. How could Kori know? Does anyone else know?

"Jason Xavier, the new guy, the guy you danced with. You like one another, am I not right?"

Wide-eyed Rachel asked what she's been wondering, "How did you know?"

Kori clapped and jumped up and down. "This is glorious. You two will be a very cute couple."

The raven-haired girl put up her hand to stop her animated friend. "Wait, Kori stop, calm down. How do you know we like each other?"

On her fingers, Kori checked off her evidence, "One, you danced with him when you would not dance with any of your friends."

"That's not true. Towards the end I came out and danced with you guys."

Kori continued, "Two, you have been spending a lot of time after school with him."

"He's new here and I'm just showing him around." Rachel realized how lame that sounded as soon as the words left her mouth.

Kori knew she was right. "Three, I saw the look you gave each other a little while ago."

"You saw that?" Rachel was worried, "Do you think the others saw it too?"

"No, they did not see anything. So, it is true? You like Jason?"

Rachel wondered if she should lie to her jubilant friend. She didn't want Kori going crazy about this and telling everyone. Even though this is all new to her, she wanted to share her newfound happiness. With a small smile, she said, "Yeah, I think I like him."

"Marvelous!" Kori spun around with her hands clasped in front of her. "He is your boyfriend, right? Oh, I know, if Richard ever asks me out on a real date we can go on a double date. Will not that be the most fun?"

"We haven't gone on an official date yet but we have, um …we've kissed."

"Oh how spectacular!" Kori grabbed Rachel into a tight embrace.

"Uh, Kori …let go …air …need …" Rachel tried to push away the ecstatic girl.

With a sheepish grin, Kori apologized, "Oh sorry, I am just so happy for you. Oooh you are like that Taylor Swift song, 'Mine'. You are the guarded girl until you meet the guy." Kori gasped and whispered, "I wonder if he is the one?"

"'The one' what?"

Kori wrapped her arm around Rachel's shoulders. "You know the one you are destined to be with, your soul mate."

Rachel pulled away. "I'm almost sixteen. I highly doubt I'd find my soul mate in high school."

"My parents met in high school." Kori was noticeably sadder. "They were each others first love."

Rachel felt bad for Kori. Her friend's excitement was too much for Rachel but she didn't want her friend sad. "I possibly have a boyfriend so stranger things have happened." Kori cheered up some.

As they went back to the cafeteria, Kori got an idea, "You should come over to my house. We could share in girl talk."

* * *

 Rachel was running late for her next class because she had to get her history paper from her locker. Deciding to take a shortcut, she went down a different hallway. That hallway only consisted of lockers no classrooms. It was a rather short hallway but Rachel tried to avoid it whenever possible. She has had more than a few run-ins with Kitten and her friends in that hallway.

Starting down the corridor, Rachel spotted Kitten making out with football player Fagen, also known as Fang do to his fascination with spiders and snakes. Rachel hoped she could get by them unnoticed. She was just passing them when Fang put his foot out, tripping Rachel. Kitten and Fang laughed as Rachel's books scattered on the floor.

Rachel groaned, "What do you want Kitten? I have to get to class." She knelt down to pick up her books.

Seeing a teacher come around the corner, Kitten flashed a smile and picked up a book. "I see you've got a boyfriend." The teacher passed by them and Kitten dropped the smile and the book. "Aren't you so special?"

"He's not my boyfriend, not that it's any of your business. Why do you care anyway? Aren't you with Fang right now?"

Kitten huffed, "Yeah, so. I'm with Fang but that doesn't mean I won't need another boyfriend. How'd you do it anyway? How'd you get the new guy to notice you? What did you do?"

"I don't even know what you're talking about. Move out of the way, I need to get to class." Rachel tried again to step around them but they blocked her.

"I don't get it." Kitten placed in front of Rachel and repeated "How'd you get the hot new guy to pay attention to you. Sure, the night of the dance you looked almost …human; not like some freak."

Rachel grumbled, "Gee, thanks."

Fang gave Rachel a slight shove. "Shut up while she's talkin'."

Purring thanks in Fang's ear, Kitten turned her attention back to Rachel. "Okay so you looked 'normal' at the dance but that doesn't explain things now. Shouldn't he see you as a loser? I mean look at you. It's not like you're pretty. You have that unattractive pale, pasty skin. Your hair just hangs there; it's so straight, almost stringy. Don't get me started on your hideous clothes. You have no sense of style but what else would you expect from a loser like you? I just don't see what he sees in you. You're never even close to being happy, who'd want to be around that?"

Rachel rolled her indigo eyes. "I don't have time for this."

When she tried to leave, Fang shoved her hard against the lockers. "Kitten asked you a question. She's not done with you."

Rachel glared up at him. "Ooh, aren't you tough? Picking on a girl, especially a girl in a cast. Talk about real losers."

While holding Rachel against the locker Fang turned to Kitten. "Want me to make her shut up?"

Kitten took one of Rachel's notebooks. She went over to the trash can and dropped it in. In a bored tone Kitten said, "Naw, I've wasted enough time with this loser." They left Rachel alone in the empty hall.

Rachel reached into the trash can, trying to get her notebook. It was just out of her reach. Her cast didn't make it any easier; it keeps getting in the way. She tried tipping the can some but it was no use. The notebook got closer to her but never close enough. Rachel checked the clock. She was late for class. She considered leaving the notebook and coming back for it later. She couldn't do that. She realized the notebook in the trash can had her history paper in it.

Frustrated, Rachel kicked the can. Noisily, it clattered onto its side. Red faced, Rachel looked around. No one seemed to have heard that. She reached in and grabbed her notebook, pulling out trash in the process. Most of it was just papers but it still made a mess. She shoved the trash back in and with some effort she got the can upright.

Rachel ran into class very late. Everyone turned to the door as she entered. "Sorry, I forgot my paper in my locker. I had to get it."

Mrs. McKee looked at Rachel suspiciously, "It took you over twenty minutes to get your paper from your locker? Your locker is in this building isn't it?" The class laughed until Mrs. McKee turned around. "Enough. Return to taking your test." She turned her attention back to Rachel. "Miss Roth, you expect me to believe it took that long to retrieve your paper. It seems to me, you weren't finished and took some extra time to finish it."

"No, it was done, I just forgot it."

Kori raised her hand, "Excuse me, Mrs. McKee?"

"Yes, Miss Anders?"

"Um, Rachel had her paper done. I saw it yesterday. We proofread each others paper."

"Thank you, Miss Anders. Everybody continue with your test. Miss Roth, we'll discuss this in the hall." Rachel resisted the urge to sigh and roll her eyes as she followed her teacher into the hall.

"Care to explain what really happened." Mrs. McKee, as well as most of the facility, was aware of the rumors that Rachel had had trouble with bullying.

Rachel has never told any adult about Kitten and the others and she wasn't going to do that now. "It's like I said, I forgot my paper." Sensing that her teacher wasn't going to let it drop, so she told an altered version of what happened. "Somebody bumped into me and I dropped the notebook it was in in a trash can. It took me awhile to get it out."

"Somebody just bumped into you, that's all?" Rachel nodded "Did you see you it was?" Rachel shook her head. "Why didn't you find somebody to help you?"

Rachel just shrugged "I dunno, I didn't want to bother anyone."

The older woman sighed "Okay, hand me your paper. You're too late to take the test, so your grade will have to be lowered."

"Mrs. McKee," Rachel protested, "I'm just a little late. I can still take the test I'll be quick. Please don't lower my grade."

"This test is a significant part of your grade. If you had been absent today, I would be able to give you a make up test."

"I could stay late and take it. Please Mrs. McKee, I can't get bad grade; I can't make my dad upset." She has never brought home bad grades, unless you counted P.E., which she didn't. She was afraid of what Trigon would do if she did.

Thinking she detected some panic in her student's eyes she said, "Okay, if you can stay after school then you can take a make up test."

Rachel almost smiled, "Thank you." For the first time, she was relieved to take a test.

"Wait out here until class is done, then you can take the test."

After her teacher returned to the classroom, Rachel sat on the floor. She had about a half hour before class was finished. She tried to study and ignore her itching wrist under the cast. She was startled when the bell rings.

Kori was the first one out of class. She helped Rachel up. "What really happened before you got to class?"

Rachel shook her head, "I'll tell you later." 'Maybe.'

"Do you wish for us to wait for you?" Mrs. McKee called for Rachel.

"No, it's okay. You guys go. I don't know how long I'll be."

"Okay, you can call me when you get home. There is much we can talk about. Good luck on the test." Kori waved good-bye as she walked down the hall into the crowd of students.

* * *

 After taking her make up test, Rachel was sitting on the steps of the school. She tried not to let it bother her but Kitten's words kept creeping into her mind. She knew Kitten was just trying to make trouble. Her words weren't true. But Kitten had said some of Rachel's doubts aloud. Now Rachel was trying to reason her doubt away.

Richard had just finished practice and headed for his truck. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw someone sitting at the front of the school. He looked over and saw it was Rachel. He decided to go over and see if she needed a ride. "Hey Rachel, need a ride?"

He startled her, "Oh, hi Richard. Thanks but no, I'm just waiting for the city bus because I didn't feel like walking."

"You sure? I've got my truck so it's no problem. I just got done with practice. Why are you here so late?"

Shifting her backpack Rachel said, "Yeah, I'm sure. I had to stay late to take a make up test. I'm fine you go ahead and go. I'm sure the bus will be here soon."

"Okay, if you're sure. See ya tomorrow." He turned to leave.

A thought popped into her brain. "Wait. Could I ask you a question?" Richard sat next to Rachel and nodded. It took a moment but she continued. "Why would a guy like a girl?"

Richard was surprised by her question. "Um, I guess it's probably kinda the same reasons why a girl likes a guy."

Rachel thought for a second. "You like Kori, right? Well why, why do you like her?"

Richard started to turn red. He stammered, "Um, uh yeah, I uh guess I kinda like her. How'd you know?"

Rachel raised an eyebrow. "Come on, you two are pretty obvious. You're always sitting or standing next to each other. You two light up when the other one enters the room."

"I didn't know we were so obvious."

Rachel laughed quietly. "So why do you like her? How did you know?"

He shrugged, "I dunno, Kori's pretty and outgoing."

"So a girl should be pretty for a guy to like her? That kinda limits my chances."

Richard said sternly, "Rachel, you are pretty. You shouldn't put yourself down so much."

"Okay, fine, whatever." She waved her hand as if to drop that subject. "We're not talking about me. We're talking about you and Kori. There are tons of girls who are pretty and outgoing, why Kori?"

Richard repeated, "I dunno. That's part of it, I guess. I also like her excitement, her enthusiasm for life." He sighed, "We both went though a hard time at different times of our life. Losing both your parents is very hard on a kid."

He studied his hands as he spoke. "You could be like me and hate God, the world, life, everything. But seeing my parent die put a lot of hate inside me. It wasn't healthy. It ate away at me.

"Whoa. I, I didn't know all that. I'm sorry; I hope you didn't think I was pushing you to share that."

Richard shook his head. "Kori went through the same type of thing but didn't let the darkness consume her. I'm not saying she's not sad or angry about what happened. She told me once she was very angry after her parents died. But she realized that her parents wouldn't want that for her. She decided to live her life for her parents. That's when she became her cheerful self again." He stopped and studied the sky for a few minutes. "It's because of Kori, Vic and Gar that I was able to climb out of the darkness."

"So you basically like Kori because she helped you?"

"That and I like how I feel around her. I wanna be my best."

They were both silent for a few minutes. When Rachel spoke she was fiddling with the zipper on her backpack. "Okay so that's why you like Kori but why would a guy like someone …like me?"

Richard chuckled, "You're asking why would a guy like you. Why wouldn't he? You're pretty, smart, funny …"

Rachel interrupted, "…a freak who's closed off to everyone. Why would somebody be interested in that?"

Even though he and the others have tried to tell Rachel she wasn't a freak, she didn't seem to hear them. Richard tried a different approach. "You lost your mom when you were in junior high, right?" Rachel nodded. She wondered where this was leading. "Kids at that age can sometimes be cruel. Maybe they sensed you were different so they lashed out on you. To protect yourself you threw up walls. When you moved here, you still had those walls up. Here, people like Kitten saw that and decided to torment you. They thought you were a freak. I suppose after hearing it enough times you started to believe them." She thought, 'You have no idea.'

He took her hand. She resisted the urge to pull her hand away. "But Rachel that's far from true. Listen to me you are not a freak. If anybody's a freak, I was."

"What? You? No way you were a freak. Seriously, you're one of the most popular guys in school."

Richard explained, "I put up the same types of walls and I was destructive. Good or bad, I tried to destroy it. I even hated Bruce for trying to help me."

They fell into silence. The city bus pulled up to the curb. The door opened, waiting for them. Rachel considered leaving but she didn't think their conversation was over. She shook her head and motioned to the bus driver to move on. They watched the bus drive off without gaining any passengers.

"So this is all about you and Jason? You like him, don't you?"

Rachel turned away, trying to hide the color creeping onto her face. "Yeah, I think I kinda do. I just don't know why he likes me."

"We've already gone over that. Why are you questioning it?"

"Oh, it's nothing. I just heard somebody say something."

"Is that somebody Kitten? You know not to believe anything she says. She's just being a bitch."

"I know," She rolled her eyes. "Kitten likes to make trouble but …" Rachel closed her eyes and let out a deep breath. "…but that doesn't mean she didn't give voice to some of my fears."

"Rachel …" He was afraid she didn't hear what he said, again.

She interrupted him, "I like how I feel around him. I'm …happy, I guess. I don't want to mess it up. I don't want to push him away but I'm kinda scared to let him in."

"You've let us in, we're your friends. Don't fake it, be yourself. It may sound corny but I'm sure if you listen to your heart you'll be fine."

Rachel smiled, "Thanks for that. And thank you for letting me talk."

"No problem. We don't often get to see what's going on in that dark, pretty little head of yours." He repeated, "We're your friends. Don't be afraid to speak around us." Rachel nodded her head and shrugged her shoulders at the same time.

"Guess I missed my ride."

"You want one? I could give you one."

She laughed softly, "Thanks, but I think I'll walk. I have a lot to think about. Thanks again and see you tomorrow." Pulling her backpack onto her good arm, she started down the sidewalk. She stopped and turned around. "Oh, uh, Richard, just ask Kori out. She'll be over the moon."

* * *

 Jason and Rachel walked over to her house after school later that week. Kori had mentioned that Rachel did some art and he wanted to see it. Rachel didn't understand why he wanted to see it; she didn't think it was that good. She offered to bring some to school to see it but he insisted on going to her house to view her artwork.

When they arrived at her house, Rachel was somewhat relieved that her dad wasn't home. She didn't want him making a big deal about Jason. However, she was also nervous about having a boy in her room. Kori's the only person she's ever had in her room and it was just that one time.

Jason noticed Rachel's nervousness as they entered her room and commented on it. "What's wrong, Bubbles? Afraid I'll find something embarrassing?"

"No. I just don't want my dad to find you here."

"Is your dad protective of his adorable little girl?"

Rachel said flatly, "Yeah, something like that."

Jason wrapped his arms around her waist. "So it wouldn't be a good first impression if he came home and found me making out with his daughter in her room?" He kissed her sweetly.

Reluctantly, Rachel broke away from him. "Do you have a death wish?"

Jason laughed, "That bad, huh? I'd prefer to think I have a great sense of adventure." He checked out her drawings and paintings. He told her she was good, she should enter some things in the art show but she just blew him off.

"I'm not that good. I just kind of doodle or whatever. It's just something to pass the time while my dad's working. It helps take my mind off things."

Jason wanted to cheer her up. He joked, "Bet you write in your diary about me." Rachel raised an eyebrow. With a very high-pitched, girly voice he said, "Dear diary, I just met the most dreamy guy in the world"

Rachel questioned, "Dreamy?"

"Okay, how about the hottest?"

Rachel repeated, "Dreamy? When did we step into a 50's black and white sitcom?" Now Rachel used an overly girly voice and fluttered her eyelashes. "Gee golly, Sally, I just met a swell guy. He is so dreamy. Too bad he only has eyes for Bob."

Jason laughed, "Hey, I do not. I was only talking to that guy cuz I liked his car."

Rolling her eyes, Rachel said, "Yeah, right."

"The only person I'm interested in is my Bubbles."

"I've been meaning to ask you about that. Why do you call me 'Bubbles'?"

"It's for your bubbly personality."

"So you like sarcasm too? Guess it's more original than the 'sunshine' I usually get."

Jason took her cast-free hand, "I'm not being sarcastic. I think you don't wanna get hurt so you put up barriers. It takes awhile for you to let people close to you. Most people when the first see probably think you're apathetic or aloof." He laced his fingers with hers. "When I met you, I saw a sparkle in your eyes. I knew I had to get to know you."

"That's kind of what Richard said the other day," she sighed. "For years I've worried about getting hurt, so I have trouble letting people in. I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about. You're slowly letting me get close. You'll tell me your secrets whenever you're ready. I'll just enjoy being with you." He leaned his forehead against hers. "I case you didn't know, I like you Rachel Roth."

Rachel's frown turned to a small smile. "I like you too, Jason Xavier."

They kissed again. Rachel pulled away once more. "We should go. We've spent more time here than I planned. I don't want my dad to find you here. He'd kill me if he did."

"So your dad's overprotective of his little girl? He wouldn't do that."

"No, you're right. He'll probably kill you first then me." Jason laughed at how serious she was. Rachel thought, 'You think I'm joking, but it's not far from the truth.'

They started down the stairs when Trigon came home. She thought back to his reaction when he found Kori there. Rachel knew it would be so much worse having Jason there. "Omigod! My dad's home early. You have to hide. He can't find you here. Oh God, I'm dead if he finds you. Hurry. Go back to my room. Hurry." She pushed him into her room. She harshly whispered, "Keep the door closed and don't touch anything. I'll try to distract him. If I can get him to leave …"

Jason was a little surprised by the brief flicker of fear he saw in Rachel's eyes. He whispered back, "I know what to do. I've had to sneak out of a girl's room a time or two." Rachel narrowed her eyes and shook her head in disbelieve.

They got Jason hidden just in time. Trigon was coming up the stairs. Rachel eyed her door before she went to greet her father. "Hey, Dad, how'd work go?"

"More of the same. It's amazing how stupid some people can be." He looked over his daughter's head to her door. "Did I hear something in your room?"

"Um, I have music on. Maybe that's what you heard? I, uh, I wanted to ask you something?" Trigon nodded for her to continue. "I was wondering if I could, um get an after school job?"

"What, don't I make enough for you? I didn't think you were so selfish. The way you dress sometimes, it sure doesn't look like you care about money." Rachel inwardly cringed at his comment.

"I just thought it might be a good idea for me to make my own money so I don't have to ask you for it all the time."

"Don't you baby-sit for those brats down the street sometimes? Shouldn't that be enough?"

"I'm not very good at it and their mother only picks me when she's desperate."

"Why?"

"I overheard her saying I was a 'creepy, Satan-worshiping goth' and that I will 'corrupt' her children."

"What does that bitch know? So, you want an after school job? Don't you have to be sixteen to get a job?"

Rachel was a little hopeful. He was at least listening to her. "I could work in the library after school. There age isn't an issue; I just have to get good grades. There's also a job at a nearby café. A friend's mom works there and she told him about an opening. With a parent's permission, a person within six months of their sixteenth birthday could work there. It would just be every other day after school and every third weekend." Rachel was kind of surprised that she was talking so much, especially with her dad and she'd started it. "I promise, if you let me get a job, I won't let it interfere with my grades."

He looked unsure, "I don't know. You should probably just focus on school."

"It might look good for a college," she suggested. "It might show that I'm responsible."

"I'll think about it."

"Thanks, that's all I'm asking for."

They each turned to their own rooms when a noise came from Rachel's room. Rachel started having a coughing fit, distracting her father from her room. "Are you all right?" he asked.

"Yes." Cough, cough "I guess I" cough "swallowed wrong." She went into her room that now appeared empty. She checked under her bed and the closet. She couldn't find Jason anywhere.

The doorbell rang and Trigon went down to answer it. He saw a dark haired teenaged boy at the door.

The teenager said, "Hello, Mr. Roth, is Rachel home?"

"Who are you? What do you want?"

Jason was surprised by her father's largeness. Maybe that explained why Rachel was so worried about her father finding him in her room. "I go to school with Rachel, I'm Jason Xavier. I wanted to talk to Rachel."

Trigon sighed, "Fine, wait here, I'll get her." Trigon went to the base of the stairs and called his daughter down.

"What did you want?" She was still wondering about Jason.

"Someone's here to see you. He's at the front door. I'm going to see about supper." He turned and went to the kitchen.

Curious, Rachel went to the front door and was surprised. "Jason? What are you doing here?"

"I thought I'd ask you if you wanted to go out tomorrow night."

"I'll have to ask if I can but yeah I'd like to go out." After asking Trigon for permission, she was excited about her first official date. She went back to Jason. "Yeah, I can go. Um, how did you get here?"

He whispered, "I climbed out of your window and down the tree."

"That must've been the sound we heard. You need to be careful or he'll figure it out."

"Don't worry, I've never been caught and I'm not gonna start now." Rachel rolled her eyes. "You know, maybe we can use that tree to our advantage."

She understood what he was suggesting but ignored his comment. She wasn't going to get in the habit of sneaking a guy in and out of her room. "Okay, so you'll pick me you here tomorrow night?"

"Yeah, tomorrow at six-thirty." He started to laugh. "I never really thought of you as a Taylor Swift fan."

"What are you talking about? You went though my CDs? I told you not to touch anything."

"I was alone in my girlfriend's room, how could I resist? "

Rachel was surprised by his words; one word in particular. 'Girlfriend? He thinks of me as his girlfriend?'

"Bubbles, you okay?"

"Yeah, I guess I can forgive you for looking though my stuff. You didn't look though anything else, did you?"

"Naw, just your CDs. I wanted to see if we like the same stuff. You have pretty much what I thought you'd have. The Taylor CD just confused me."

"Kori gave me that. But some of her stuff's not too bad. She writes a lot of her songs and I can appreciate that. I've tried it a little and it's not always easy to write."

Trigon called Rachel to dinner. She gave Jason a quick kiss before going back inside.

Throughout the evening, Rachel thought about what Jason said. 'Girlfriend? I can't believe he thinks of me as his girlfriend. Richard's right, I shouldn't waste another thought on Kitten. I have to figure out what to wear tomorrow night. Should I call Kori? I'll probably hear her scream all the way over here. I can't believe this is happening to me. Ugh, I can't wait to get this cast off, it's driving me crazy.'


	11. I Believe in Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Dixie Chicks or these lyrics.

* * *

**“I made a promise to myself  / Locked it away deep down inside  / Told my heart we'd wait it out  / Swore we'd never compromise  / Oh I'd rather be alone  / Like I am tonight  / Than settle for the kind of love  / That fades before the morning light” – I Believe in Love,  Dixie Chicks**

* * *

 

Jason and Rachel entered his apartment. "Glad to have your cast off?"

She sighed, "I was sick of it being in the way and the doctor's visits. You have no idea how hard it was to wash my hair one-handed. On more than one occasion I thought of chopping it all off." She thought, 'Dad's been nice to me. Wonder if that'll change now that the cast is gone?'

"Well I'm glad you didn't cut it. I like your long hair; it's super sexy." He flashed a smile and she rolled her eyes. "What'd you wanna do? Mom's not gonna be home for few hours."

Rachel shrugged, "I don't know, go to the bookstore?"

"I love watching you read but the last time we went there it took three hours. I can't do that again."

"It wasn't that long."

Jason said, "No, you're right. It was more like four hours."

She threw a pillow at him. "Well then what do you suggest we do if you don't like my idea?"

"We could …um …er …I dunno …" stammered Jason as he tried to think of something they could do.

Rachel picked up a magazine and sat on the sofa. "Good to see you have a long list of ideas.

Jason flopped down on the sofa next Rachel and turned the TV. He flipped through the channels. Nothing good was on. Rachel had slouched on the sofa, flipping through a magazine. She wondered, "How can there be a million channels and still there's nothing on?"

He looked down at Rachel. He got an idea. "Are you ticklish?"

"No." She continued through the magazine, not noticing his mischievous grin.

Jason said, "I think everyone's a little ticklish."

"Well I'm not."

"Bet you are." He began tickling her. Rachel tried to block him with the magazine. Jason grabbed the magazine and tossed it aside. She playfully pushed him away. He kept tickling her. She tried to tickle him back. He grasped her wrists to stop her from tickling him. Holding Rachel's wrists, he had stopped tickling her.

They were both a little breathless from laughing. It took them a moment to realize that Rachel was now underneath him on the sofa. Jason thought she looked hot laying under him. Letting go of her wrists, Jason leaned down, careful not to put all his weight on her. He captured her lips with his.

The kiss deepened and Rachel ran her fingers through his hair. Jason cautiously ran his hands along her body. She didn't object, she kissed him with more passion. He caressed her body causing her to moan softly.

As he kissed her neck, she slid her hands under Jason's shirt. Her touch caused him to moan. He loved the feel of her cool, thin fingers on his skin. Jason placed his hand on her bare waist.

Rachel shifted some, allowing Jason to settle between her legs. She bit her lip trying to contain another moan. Even through they both had jeans on, it still felt tantalizing. Rachel was fascinated by how it felt having the weight of Jason pressing against her body.

She felt the warmth building in her core. Rachel had never felt anything like that. Of course she'd read books or seen movies that made such sensations stir. But it was different having your boyfriend start those sensations. She pressed her body against his, making them both moan.

They'd never gone that far, they'd only kissed and touched some though clothing. Jason questioned her, "Are you sure?" Caught up in passion, Rachel answered him by pulling him to her and kissing him readily.

Jason pealed off his shirt. She thought he looked super hot without a shirt on. She'd never been that close to a guy. Rachel blushed, realizing Jason noticed her starring at him.

He unbuttoned Rachel's shirt, exposing her bra. She was thankful there were no bruises. Rachel's blush deepened as Jason studied at her. She couldn't help wondering if she looked all right. Did he liked what he saw?

Again, he captured her lips eagerly. They kissed with increasing passion. He slid his hands along her bare skin, causing her shiver. When Jason slid his hand along her bra he felt her hesitate. He asked "Wanna stop?"

Jason brushed a stray strand of hair off of Rachel's forehead. He watched her struggle with her emotions. He saw a mixture desire and fear in her eyes. He suspected she was a virgin since he was her first boyfriend. Jason didn't want to rush her. He didn't want to make her do something she'd regret later.

Rachel never thought she'd have sex so young because she didn't think she'd have a boyfriend until much later. She didn't expect to have a boyfriend until she was a senior. She was all right with that. She didn't even mind waiting until she was in college. Rachel realized that might have made her strange but she didn't care.

Rachel knew she had wanted to wait longer before having sex. At least, that was the plan. But it wasn't because she thought premarital sex was wrong. And it wasn't because she thought her virtue was so precious. Even though she thought she was fairly mature, she knew she was naïve when it came to love. But she was smart enough to know she shouldn't sleep with the first guy who said he cared about her.

With the decision to wait firmly planted in her mind, Rachel couldn't believe she was doing this. She closed her eyes, 'He likes me, he wants me, God knows why, but he does. Damn it Rachel, forget emotions, stop thinking and just go with how amazing his touch feels. No emotions, no thinking, just feel. Feel Jason's love for me. ' She slightly shook her head no, she didn't want to stop.

Seizing Rachel's lips in another fiery kiss, Jason slid his hands along her body. He cupped her bra-covered breasts. She practically purred at his touch. Jason's lips traveled down Rachel's neck. A soft moan escaped her lips. She tangled her fingers in his hair. Jason left a trail of kisses down to the valley between her breasts, he made her moan again.

She could feel how hard he was. Rachel was astounded that she could make a guy feel like that, that she could turn him on so much. She couldn't imagine what it would feel like when they made love. Just the thought of that made Rachel's face redden.

'I'm really going to do this? Am I really ready? I, I, we shouldn't …Oh, but his touch …God, it feels so good. He definitely knows what to do. He's probably had plenty of practice. Wait, that means he's been with other girls. Protection. We can't do this without protection.' As if he was reading her mind, Jason pulled a condom from his pocket. Rachel smiled up at her boyfriend, 'Finally, I get to know what it's like to be loved.'

Jason's hands traveled down her body as they kissed. Rachel shuddered at his touch. He unbuttoned her jeans. He slipped his hands under her waistbands of both her jeans and panties. He started sliding them down. Rachel's breath caught in her throat when her clothes got to her hips. Another few inches and she'd be seen as she's never been seen before. Rachel felt her face turning red at that thought. She was about to make love to her boyfriend.

A car door slammed nearby. They froze. Could his mom be home early? Hearing footsteps coming up the stairs, they hastily scrambled to put on their clothes on and adjusted.

When Debbie entered the living room, the two were sitting on the sofa, staring at the TV. She noticed their flushed faces and rumpled clothing, but she said nothing. She went to her room to change out of her work clothes. Jason and Rachel's eyes followed her to her room.

Leaning against her bedroom door, she wondered what she would've walked in on if she were a few minutes later. She said to herself, "They're going too fast. They just started dating a little over a month ago. God, if he doesn't slow down I'll be a grandmother before he graduates."

When she went back into the living room Debbie noticed the two have been watching her door but they quickly turned to the TV. Debbie went into the kitchen. She felt two pairs of eyes on her. Rachel whispered to Jason, "Do you think she knows what we were doing?" Jason just shrugged his shoulders.

Debbie called out from the kitchen, "Jason, we're out of milk. Would you go get some?"

Entering the kitchen with Rachel, he said, "I can get some later when I drop off Rachel."

"I need it for supper tonight."

Jason sighed, "Fine, guess I can drop Rachel off now."

"Aren't you staying for dinner, Rachel?"

"Yeah, I was, but …"

"Great, Rachel can stay here and help me get things started. And you can go get the milk." Jason and Rachel eyed each other. What if she knew what they were doing? As Jason grabbed his keys, Debbie called out, "Oh, get some toilet paper too." The two females in the kitchen heard his groan as he left.

Rachel smiled nervously at Debbie when the older woman looked her way. "Are you sure you want me to help? I've been taking some cooking lessons with Vic's grandmother but it's gonna take a long time before I make anything edible."

Debbie said, "I'm sure you're not that bad."

"I, um, I was finally able to boil water without burning the pan."

"You burned water?"

Rachel smiled sheepishly, "Well, I kinda forgot about it and the pan burned dry. I keep making stupid mistakes like that."

"You can peel potatoes, right?" Rachel nodded. "Good, you start those and I'll get the chicken started."

They worked in silence a few minutes. "So, you and Jason seem to be getting along okay."

Rachel nodded, "Yeah, I kinda feel like I can be myself around him. I dunno, I'm not always so guarded, I guess."

"I'm glad you can be open around my son. I just want you two to make sure you're not taking things too fast." Rachel wondered, 'Does she know?' Debbie laughed slightly, "I remember what it was like in high school. I remember there was a time when I had a new boyfriend every few weeks."

"I don't think I'll have a lot of boyfriends. Actually, I'm kinda surprised Jason likes me like that."

"I don't know why you're surprised; you're pretty, nice and smart. However, you're right. You're probably different than I was. You'll probably a few meaningful relationships instead of several flippant ones like me." Debbie got a distant look on her face. "You know, I still remember how thrilling my first time was, I must've been about your age. After that, I think I was with every one of my boyfriends."

"Um, uh, n-nothing like that will happen with us. We're not going to do anything," Rachel said but thought, 'Great, she knows.'

"I know you tell yourself nothing is gonna happen. Then you're with the boy of your dreams. Maybe he tells you all the 'right' things or you two just are 'in the moment'? Whatever it is plus raging hormones, things have a way of going further than you planned." Debbie sighed, "God, I must have scared my parents more than a few times."

"Jason's not pressuring me and we're not going to, um, you know …."

"Rachel, sweetie, I know you believe that now, but things can happen. Believe me; I had it happen like that more than a few times when I was in school. If you're not careful, even if you are careful, things can happen. That's how I got Jason. I wouldn't trade him for anything, but sometimes I wonder how my life would be different if I'd waited. I just don't want you to go down the same path that I did."

"Do you want me …to break up with Jason?"

"Oh, no, no that's not what I'm saying. I just think you two should slow down a little. You just started dating. So what's the rush? You're young; don't be in a hurry to grow up. I'm not trying to tell you what to do but if you two do decide to have sex, please use protection. Consider going on the pill. You two are too young to have a baby. Besides, your father would probably kill my son if he got you pregnant."

Seeing that Rachel blushing and looking uncomfortable, Debbie said, "Aw, sweetie, I didn't mean to embarrass you or make you feel guilty about how you feel. I just wanted to show you that I care about you. If you ever want to talk or have any questions about anything, you know you can come to me, right."

Rachel nodded quickly, wishing she wasn't having this conversation with her boyfriend's mother. The only way it could've been worse was if she was having it with her father.

* * *

 

Jason saw Rachel at her locker. He snuck up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. "Hey, Bubbles." She became tense and pulled away from him. "Rachel …"

She said, "I thought we decided we were going to take things slow."

"You decided to slow things down. How slow should we go? Be like we were when we first met?"

Rachel crossed her arms. "I talked with your mom. She's right, we're going too fast."

He crossed his arms, mimicking her. "She's not right. What does she know? She's just trying to scare you and control me. She's a control freak when it comes to me."

Rachel looked around the busy hallway. She grabbed his arm and pulled him into an empty classroom. Thinking she'd changed her mind, Jason leaned down to kiss her. Rachel put her hand up to stop him. She whispered harshly, "We almost went 'all the way', in your living room. If your mom hadn't showed up we would've done 'it'."

Smiling, he tried to kiss her again. "Would that have been so bad?"

Rachel backed away from him. "I'm not kidding, this is serious. And your mom does know what she's about; that's how you got here."

Jason frowned, "You're always so serious. Can't you ever relax, have some fun." He didn't notice the flicker of pain in her eyes.

The students coming into the classroom looked at them with curiosity. Rachel shook her head, "Not now." She left the room.

Jason followed her. To get her attention he grabbed her arm and spun her around.

Rachel looked down at his hand still gripping her elbow. She glared up at him. Wrenching her arm free, she growled, "Don't ever do that again." She stormed down the hallway.

"Aw, Rachel, come back."

"Leave me alone!"


	12. Not Ready to Make Nice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer : I do not own the Teen Titans, Dixie Chicks or these lyrics.

* * *

**"Forgive, sounds good / Forget, I'm not sure I could / They say time heals everything / But I'm still waiting"-Not Ready to Make Nice, Dixie Chicks**

* * *

 

Jinni found Rachel in the library, trying to study. "There you are. I've been looking for you. I thought I'd find you with Jason, you're always with him."

Looking down at her notes Rachel said, "Not always."

"Okay, most of the time. When I found him, I asked him where you were, he just shrugged his shoulders and kinda grumbled. You two have a fight?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

"C'mon, tell me. It might help to talk about it."

"I said, I don't want to talk about it."

Jinni held up her hands, surrendering. "Okay, okay, it's dropped. Just know, if you wanna talk, I'll listen. I was searching for you to tell you about a party tomorrow night."

"So."

"'So', a bunch of us are going, you should too." Rachel raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, I know, you 'don't do parties' but this'll be fun. Maybe Jason will be there and you guys can talk. If he's not and you guys really through then maybe you can have some fun. C'mon, Rachel, please, we haven't really hung out since the dance."

Rachel thought about it for a moment, "Okay, maybe I'll go."

"Great! Want me to come over to help you pick something to wear?"

"I can dress myself, thank you."

Jinni got up to leave. "Alright, just don't wear anything frumpy.

"I'm not frumpy," objected Rachel.

"You're right, I'm sorry. But don't wear a sweatshirt or sweater. It's a party for God's sake. Call me if you want me to come over tomorrow afternoon. See ya at the party."

* * *

 

Rachel checked the time on her clock radio. Kori would pick her up soon. She checked herself in the mirror one more time. After trying on several outfits, Rachel decided on one. She didn't know if it would meet with Jinni's approval, but she didn't care. She wasn't wearing a sweater or sweatshirt like Jinni said.

Studying her reflection, Rachel decided to pull her hair up into a high ponytail. She let a few tendrils frame her face. She liked way the black skinny jeans and tight, scoop neck T-shirt showed off her figure. That was not what she'd normally wear so she's a little uncomfortable. She guessed she could handle it if it either got Jason to notice her or made him jealous.

Hearing a car pull in the driveway, Rachel called out, "Dad, Kori's here; we're going to a friend's house. I might spend the night at Kori's or Jinni's."

He called back, "Okay, if you need me, I'll be working late, so call me at the office."

On the way to the party, Kori talked nonstop about how excited she was. At the party, Rachel was a little nervous. She stuck near Kori for a while. Rachel recognized most of the kids from school but she had to resist the urge to hide from the crowd. Rachel wasn't what one would call a "party girl".

Rachel looked around, searching for Jason. When she saw him, their eyes locked She started to go over to him but stopped when a shorthaired blonde wrapped her arms around him. Jason looked at the blonde then back at Rachel. They stared at one another for a minute until the blonde whispered something in his ear. He grinned and walked off with the girl, leaving Rachel watching them leave. Rachel didn't know who the girl was but she didn't like her.

With her arms crossed, Rachel stormed off to tell Kori that she wanted to leave. She thought, 'Why did I come to this stupid party?' Trying to avoid people dancing and couples making out, Rachel was getting aggravated. 'Where the hell could Kori be? I lost sight of her for a few minutes. Damn, I'll never find her in this crowd. She's probably making out with Richard.'

While searching for Kori or one of her other friends, Rachel ran into Jinni. "Hey, Jinni, I came, and see, no sweatshirt. Have you seen Kori? I'm ready to leave."

Jinni pulled her friend away from the crowd. "I'm glad you came. And I get why you wanna leave. The guy's a jerk. I saw how he acted with that girl, Casey. What happened between you and Jason?"

"I don't care who that girl is, I don't like her."

"You're avoiding my question. What happened?" Rachel sighed and told Jinni what happened in Jason's living room. "You mean he dumped you because you wouldn't have sex with him?"

"No, I kind of thought I was ready but his mom came home. While Jason was out getting some things she had 'the talk' with me."

Jinni made a face, "Ooh."

"Yeah, it wasn't fun, but it got me thinking. Maybe I'm not ready. I mean, we just started dating and he is my first boyfriend. I told him we should probably slow down some. Guess he thought that meant take things back to before we met."

"I'm sorry he's such a jerk but you know what's best for you. I was hoping that maybe you two could talk tonight."

"There's nothing to talk about. Even if I wanted to, I'd probably have to pry that Casey away from him."

"What does he see in her anyway? She such a …"Jinni stopped seeing Rachel's expression. "…never mind about her. Stay at the party; don't let him drive you away. Have some fun. Who knows, maybe you'll meet some one new?"

"I don't know, I just don't like parties."

"That doesn't mean you can't have some fun. Dance; make some new friends. Just be careful about what you drink."

Rachel said sarcastically. "Yes, mom."

"I'm serious. I'm not telling you not to drink. Just make sure you know what you're drinking. Some guys wouldn't think twice about getting a girl drunk then taking advantage of her. Please say you'll stay? You don't hav'ta stay long, just for a few hours?"

Rachel was about to say she couldn't stay when she saw Jason and Casey. Watching them she said, "Fine. I'll stay."

* * *

 

Even though she danced with her friends some, Rachel wasn't having much fun. A dark-haired guy who Rachel recognized as senior, Eric Deforest, came up to her. "Hey, you don't look like you're having much fun."

"What gave you that idea?"

Eric handed her a cup. Taking it, Rachel asked, "What is it?" She sniffed it, it looked and smelled like fruit punch.

He vaguely said, "Just something to help you let your hair down."

Rachel knew she shouldn't drink it since she didn't know what was in it. However, she heard Jason's voice telling her to lighten up. She heard Kitten and others calling her neurotic, uptight and afraid. Looking around the party, she saw everyone was having fun except her. Tired of being left out, Rachel took a tentative sip. It didn't taste bad.

They talked a little as she finished the red liquid. Eric got her more cups, which she quickly drank.

After several drinks, Rachel draped her arms around Eric's neck. Her body swayed to a slow song playing in her head. Eric placed a hand on here waist to steady her. "Are you having fun now?" he asked. Looking up at him, she smiled and nodded. He bent down and kissed her gently. She danced closer to him, her body pressing against his. Eric kissed Rachel's neck and her normally quiet laughter, melodically mixed with the music.

He whispered in her ear, "Let's go somewhere a little quieter." He nipped at Rachel's neck causing her to giggle. She hesitated a moment before nodding yes. Taking Rachel's hand, Eric lead her to a hallway.

Before entering the dark hall, Rachel stopped. She looked unsure. She glanced around for her friends.

"Want another drink?" asked Eric after kissing her again.

Rachel giggled, "I dunno. Where's the music? I wanna hear the music."

Eric took her hand and pulled her to him. "Don't worry, we can still hear it." They heard the base thunder through the house. "C'mon, let's have some fun. Isn't that what this party's about?"

Once more, Rachel slurred, "I dunno."

They kissed again, this time with more passion. She practically purred as they kissed. Rachel giggled again as he cupped her breast. Eric lead them to a back bedroom. The room smelled of alcohol and sex. Rachel put a hand on his chest, "Wait ..."

Eric closed the door and backed her against it. Between kisses, he said, "No reason to wait if we're both ready." They continued to kiss. Again, he cupped her breast. His other hand reached between her legs and palmed her.

Rachel pushed him back and shook her head, "No…stop…I, I need some air." Suddenly, her face felt warm. She also felt a little woozy.

"You can get some air when we're done." He leaned down and kissed her neck. Pulling Rachel to him, he lead her into the room, over to the bed. Confused, Rachel let him lead her while he kissed her. "If it helps, I can tell you 'I love you'."

With his hands on her ass, he pulled her to him. He pressed her body against his. As he kissed her neck his hand moved down passed her ass. He again, stroked her between her legs.

Again, Rachel shook her head as he touched her through her jeans. She moaned but something's wasn't right. She shouldn't be here, in this room. She shouldn't let this guy she barely knows do these things to her. "No …s-stop …" Again, she pushed against his chest.

Irritated that things weren't going as easy as he wanted, he grabbed her wrists. "You were into this earlier. Now you're acting like a scared little girl. That's not how this works." He pulled her towards the bed.

Rachel shook her head, trying to clear her mind. This was wrong. This wasn't what she wanted. She tried to pull herself free. "No. Let me go. Now." Panic built in her when he pushed her down onto the bed.

Holding Rachel's wrists down, Eric leaned down to kiss her. She shook her head, preventing him from kissing her. "No. I don't want to do this anymore. Let me go." Rachel struggled to get free.

"Hey, Ice Princess, you knew what we were gonna do in here. You came in here with me. You knew we were gonna have a fuckin' good time. I know you're probably just trying to make Jason jealous but I don't care." He pulled out a condom. "I'm ready for some action."

"No. I don't wanna be here. I don't wanna do this."

"Too bad, Ice Princess, if you're gonna play this game, then you have to be willing to put out." Still holding one of her wrists, Eric kissed her neck as he put a hand on her waist. His hand disappeared under her shirt.

Rachel grimaced as he pawed at her. She didn't want this. She realized now that she was stupid for going with Eric. She may have been stupid but she didn't have to let this jerk do this to her.

Rachel kneed him. She didn't hit his groin but she was close enough. Doubling over some, Eric groaned in pain. Rachel kneed him again, harder.

"Bitch!" growled Eric, "You're gonna pay for that."

A guy came into the room looking for someone. The guy apologized for interrupting them but Rachel took the opportunity to break free. She pushed Eric off of her and rushed passed the guy. She heard Eric swearing at the guy and her but she didn't look back.

Rachel hurried to the nearest door. Once outside, the cool night air felt good on her heated skin. She pulled her hair free of the ponytail, sending her hair falling around her. 'How could I have been so stupid?'

* * *

 

Outside the party, they literally ran into each other. At first, they were awkward. They just chatted about school.

She seemed a little upset so he offered her a ride home; she accepted. Once they arrived at her house she asked, "Do you want to come in for a minute?"

He shrugged his shoulders, "Okay, sure." Inside the house, they were awkward again.

Fidgeting with her long hair she said, "Sorry about earlier." He shrugged again and they were quiet once more.

After several minutes of silence he said, "Um, I guess I should go."

"No, wait. Please stay." She reached her hand out to him. She pulled him to the stairs.

He hesitated. "Are you sure? Won't we get interrupted?"

She shook her head sending her long hair swirling around her. "I'm very sure. And I'm alone tonight. My dad's working. I don't wanna be alone." She shyly lead him upstairs to her bedroom.

A little while later, she nestled up to him. He just laid there, staring at the ceiling, lost in thought. She snuggled closer to him, he groaned. He got up and started to get dressed.

Sitting up, she clutched the sheet to her chest. "Jason?"

Jason searched for his shirt. "I don't want to hurt you but I'm sorry. I think this was a mistake."

Getting out of bed, she wrapped the sheet around herself. She repeated, "Jason …"

He looked out the window and sighed, "I shouldn't be here."

She wrapped her arms around him. "You didn't cheat on her. She broke it off, remember?"

Jason shook his head. "Technically we didn't break up; we're just taking things slow."

"I think she's an idiot for letting you go."

"Terra …" he warned.

"What?" Jason glared at the blonde. "Fine, Rachel's not an idiot. The girl's a genius." Terra rolled her eyes. "She's just what, an emotional martyr?"

"Terra," Jason warned again.

She held up her hands, surrendering. "Okay, fine, I won't mention her after this. But I think you deserve better. Someone who's not a basket case. There, I've said what I had to.

* * *

 

Rachel pulled out her phone and called Jinni. Jinni was worried when she heard her friend slurring her words. Grabbing Vic, Jinni went out to find Rachel leaning against the garage. Seeing her friends, Rachel burst into tears. Vic and Jinni exchanged worried glances.

"I'm sorry, Jinni. I did what you told me not to do."

Jinni grabbed Rachel by the shoulders and looked her in the eye. "Rachel, what happened? What did you drink?"

"I, I dunno. I think it was red. I'm sorry."

Seeing the hickey forming on Rachel's neck and her disheveled appearance worried her. "Rachel, Rachel, listen to me. What happened? Did somebody hurt you?"

Fighting to control her tears, Rachel said, "No, no nothing… Eric wanted to but I …" Rachel went up to Vic. "I'm awful. I thought I wanted to at first but I got scared. I pushed him away. I, I should go see if he's okay."

Vic blocked her way to the house. "No, Rae, you did the right thing. I'm sure he's okay."

"But I …I lead him on. I was trying to make Jason jealous. I didn't think. I'm not one of those girls." Suddenly she felt sick. She turned back to the garage. Jinni held back Rachel's hair while she got sick in the bushes.

Jinni went over to Vic. "She's pretty sick. I don't know what she drank. I think we're done here. Would you mind giving us a ride to my house?"

"Nah, that's fine. I'll text the others to let them know where we are."

At Jinni's house, Rachel sat on the sofa. She felt a headache coming on. She began crying because she felt bad about ruining everyone's night.

When her friends showed up, the tears stopped. She called out, "Kori, Kori-anna-banana did you and Richy-poo have a good time tonight? Did you see, I was dancing and it wasn't with one of you guys?"

"Yes, Rachel, it was a fun party. I saw you but maybe you should know the person before dancing with them."

"That's boring. Garr-field, come sit next to me." She began to giggle.

Sitting next to her, he asked, "Hey, Rae, what's up?"

"Nothing. Just the ceiling …and the sky." She now giggled uncontrollably. She ran her hand through his hair. "Hey, it'd look cool if you dyed your hair green. Oh, I know, I'd dye mine purple. Did you know that you almost, kinda sorta have pointy ears? Are you some kinda elf or something?"

They all exchanged concerned glimpses. They'd never seen her like this. Her emotions were out of control.

Gar pulled her hands away from his ears. "What did you drink, Rach?"

She placed her head on his shoulder and pouted, "Don't call me that. My dad calls me that name and I hate it."

"I'm sure he doesn't do it on purpose."

"Yes he does. He doesn't care about me. He knows I hate that name. I know that he knows that I know …what? I dunno, just don't call me Rach, promise."

Gar looked down at her. She's falling asleep. "Okay, Rachel, I promise, I won't call you that name."

"Thanks. If my dad really cared about me he wouldn't, …he wouldn't …h…" She fell asleep with her head on Gar's shoulder.

He lifted up her hand and dropped it back onto her lap. He said, "She's out for the night. What happened at the party? And what do you think she meant with all that stuff about her dad?"

* * *

 

A week and a half later, several students were standing around outside a museum. Kitten talked with her friends, Kelsey and Ashley. They're conversation turned to Rachel who was standing nearby. Kitten made sure Rachel overheard them.

Kitten whispered rather loudly, "You know, her mother is really alive."

Kelsey asked, "Whose mother?"

Kitten said, "The creepy freak's mother."

Confused, Ashley said, "I thought she died a few years ago."

Kitten shook her head. "That's what everyone thought. I guess she faked her death or something."

Kelsey suggested, "Maybe she made up the story to get sympathy."

Ashley scoffed, "That didn't work."

Kitten said, "No, I don't think she knows."

Kelsey asked, "How much of a freak are you that you don't know whether or not your mother is alive?"

Kitten grinned evilly, "The bigger question is: how much of a freak are you that your mother fakes her death to get away from you? She is a major freak." The three friends laughed about Rachel.

Rachel's blood boiled. Trembling with anger, she went up to Kitten and her friends.

They laughed at her. "What do you want, loser?"

Rachel demanded, "It's a lie and you know it. Take it back."

Kelsey asked, "What are you talking about?"

"What you said about my mother, it's a lie. Take it back!"

Kitten said, "It's not a lie. My mom saw her. Go away. You're ruining our view." Rachel turned to leave. Kitten pretended to whisper to her friends, "I guess she seemed happy now that she doesn't have a creepy, freaky daughter. That's probably why she left. No one likes having a freak around."

Rachel spun around. She was so angry she actually saw red. "Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP!" The girls laughed at Rachel.

Consumed by rage, Rachel pushed Kitten into the fountain.

Everyone turned to the commotion. Kitten flailed in ten inches of water. Her friends tried to get her out without getting themselves wet. Still angry, Rachel hung her head and clenched her fists at her sides.

"Rachel Roth!" Called out their teacher, Ms. Davis, "Come here now! What is the meaning of this?"

Rachel muttered "I'm sorry."

Ms. Davis asked, "What was that?"

Rachel repeated a little louder, "I'm sorry."

The middle-aged teacher said, "Don't apologize to me. Apologize to Kitten."

Rachel looked over to Kitten and her friends. She's out of the fountain but she's acting as if Rachel tried to drown her. Rachel heard Kitten tell another teacher, "I don't know what happened? The freak just freaked out."

Rachel shook her head, "I'm sorry, I can't."

* * *

 

After school, Kitten's voice echoed through Rachel's head, 'I know your mom's alive. And she's happy without you.'

Jason saw Rachel standing outside the school. The students rushed past her but she didn't even notice them. He went over to her. He was concerned, she had a lost, unfocused expression. "Rachel? Rachel?" She didn't notice him. He touched her elbow and repeated "Rachel?"

She blinked several times. She looked confused. "What …?"

"Are you alright?"

Rachel asked, "Do you have your car today?"

Jason nodded, "Yeah, is everything okay?"

She didn't answer his question. Instead, she began to ask, "Would you …?" she shook her head.

"Do you need a ride?" Rachel looked at him as if she'd never thought of that. He wondered why she acted so strange. "Where did you need to go?"

Rachel opened her mouth to speak but quickly shut it. She tried again, "I, um I need to get to Hamilton."

"Hamilton! That's just over three and half hours away."


	13. My Immortal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Evanescence or these lyrics.

**" _These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real  / There's just too much that time cannot erase_ " – My Immortal, Evanescence**

* * *

 

Rachel repeated, "I need to get to Hamilton."

"Why? It'll take us almost four hours to get there."

She turned from Jason and sighed. "You're right. Um, never mind. I'll, I'll find another way to get there." She walked away trying to figure it out.

Jason thought about it for a moment. He ran after her. "Rachel, wait, come on, let's go. I'll take you."

"Are you sure? It is a long way, remember."

"I'm sure. Do you need to stop by your house to get anything?"

She shook her head, "No, let's go before I change my mind."

They rode in silence until they were out of the city. Jason noticed Rachel was fidgety. She fiddled with the radio as Jason asked, "So, why are we going to Hamilton?"

"Guess you didn't hear about me and Kitten?"

"No, what happened?"

"I, uh, I pushed her into a fountain."

"You what! You pushed her? Why?"

Rachel cringed at his reaction. "She just made me so angry.

"What'd she do?"

Sheepishly, Rachel looked over to him, "She said something that wasn't true."

"What'd she say about you?"

"No, she said something about my mother. She said my mom faked her death to get away from me."

"Rachel, you know that's not true. I don't know why Kitten has to be such a bitch."

Rachel heard Kitten's words echo in her mind, 'your mom's alive …to get away from you …' She shook her head to try to free herself from Kitten. "Don't tell anyone, but Kitten's right about one thing, my mom is alive."

Shocked, Jason said, "What? What do you mean? I thought you said she died a few years ago."

Rachel admitted, "I never said she died. I said she got sick and I lost her. Everybody just assumed she died."

Beginning to get annoyed, Jason said, "Can you blame them? I can't believe you'd lie about something like that?"

"I didn't lie."

"You didn't tell the truth. You didn't correct people."

"I couldn't, it was too hard. It was bad enough seeing the pity in everyone's eyes."

Now irritated, Jason said, "So, it was easier just to pretend your mother was dead. What she do, run out on you and your dad? This is your way of punishing her, acting like she's dead."

Rachel studied her hands, "No. It's not like that. I love my mom."

He grumbled, "You have a funny way of showing it."

Rachel's head whipped up and she glared at him. "Why are you angry at me?"

Jason sighed as if saying, isn't it obvious. "I told you about my parents. About how my mom was still in high school when she had me. And how my father skipped out on her as soon as he found out about me. I told you about my stepdad, who I hardly see anymore but we still talk every now and then on the phone. I told you how I think of him more as my dad than my father. I told you all about my family. But you didn't think to tell me, your boyfriend, that your mother is still alive somewhere. Guess it was just easier not to say anything. I suppose she wasn't even sick."

Rachel quickly wiped away a tear threatening to escape. She hoped Jason didn't see that. "Nothing about it was easy." She tried to gather courage to speak on a subject she hadn't spoken about in years. "Mom was sick, not physically but she became mentally ill. The doctors tried to help her. The medicine they gave her worked …for a while. But she got worse …" Rachel wrapped her arms around herself. She looked out the window, watching the scenery speed by.

"Rachel?" Jason tried to encourage her to continue.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Rachel closed her eyes. In her mind, she saw the events of that day. She quickly opened her eyes, not wanting to relive it. She spoke with a calm, soft voice, "There were times when she'd depend on me to help her, to comfort her. Of course, I wanted to help her. I wanted my mom to be happy but she often wasn't. I think I was in the forth or fifth grade when she started getting worse. I felt like I'd let her down."

"Rachel …"

"It was a lot for me to handle. Then …she tried to kill herself. If it hadn't been a half day of school, things would've ended differently. We wouldn't be going to Hamilton right now."

"Rachel, I'm sorry."

"The doctors pumped her stomach, they were able to save her, but she was never the same. She never came home; dad had her committed to a mental hospital. As far as I knew, she's been there ever since. I haven't seen her since the day we moved. I went there to say good-bye and she ignored me. It was like I wasn't even there." Rachel remembered Trigon saying Angela didn't want children. She wondered, 'Was it my fault? I failed her.'

Jason said softly, "It wasn't your fault. You didn't fail her."

Confused, Rachel looked at him, "Why'd you say that?"

Jason said, "You were wondering out loud if it was your fault. It couldn't be. Like you said, it was too much for you to handle. She should've been able to control things better. I'm sorry, I know shit like that happens sometimes, but you were just a kid and your mom was an adult."

"Okay, but what if she wasn't ready for kids. Then she had me and ...I don't know, it was all too much for her."

"How old was your mom when she had you?"

"Eighteen, but …"

Jason interrupted, "She was older than my mom when she had me. Your mom was legally an adult. If she wasn't ready for kids she could've given you up for adoption."

They rode in silence as Rachel thought things over. 'Or she could've had an abortion. Maybe this is why dad's so angry. I caused him to lose mom.'

Seeing a road sign Rachel said, "There's a small town coming up soon. We can turn around there and go back. You don't have to take me to Hamilton."

"Do you wanna go back?"

Rachel sighed, "I don't know. I don't know what I want to do."

"Let's stop and get a bite to eat. I think we should keep going. Maybe you'll get some answers or find some peace or something in Hamilton."

Rachel gazed out the side window, not really seeing the scenery. She realized she didn't think things through. Here she was going to Hamilton with the guy she's been dating. Was he still her boyfriend or did they break up? She didn't know; she's never been through this kind thing. She sighed softly. 'Hell, I just got friends a little before meeting Jason. What do I know about relationships of any kind? My example at home isn't worth much. What am I going to do about dad? If he almost lost it when he saw us simply kissing, then me running off with Jason to my hometown that's four hours away isn't going to help things. I'm in so much trouble if he finds out I went to see mom.'

She's startled out of her thoughts when something touched her hand. Rachel looked down at her hand resting on the car seat. Jason's hand was over hers. She looked up at him.

He gave her hand an encouraging squeeze. "Don't worry, it'll be okay."

Rachel smiled sadly, "Thanks for helping me with this. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about all of this. I just don't talk about it. Even at home, dad and I don't talk about mom. I think it's too painful for him. Please don't say anything about this."

"Okay, I won't tell anyone unless you tell me I can."

* * *

 

While Jason got the food, Rachel called Jinni. "Hey Jinni, if my dad calls could you mind telling him I'm there but I can't come to the phone?"

Jinni asked, " _You want me to lie for you?"_

Rachel cringed, "I could ask Kori to do it but I don't think she'd be very convincing."

" _Are you saying I'm good at lying?_ "

Rachel was silent for a few seconds, "Um, uh …"

" _Thank you. I'll do it, but I need to know where you're gonna be if it's not here or at home."_

Rachel sighed. She knew Jinni would make a big deal about this. "I'm with Jason, but it's not what you think." Rachel had to hold her phone away from her ear as Jinni squealed with delight. "Are you done?"

Jinni giggled, " _Yeah, sorry. I'm just glad you two are getting together again._ "

"Like I said, it's not what you think. It has to do with my mom."

Jinni's confused. " _What about your mom? Where are you guys?_ "

"We're going to Hamilton. It's a long story. I'll tell you later." 'Maybe.' "So, you're okay lying to my dad if he calls?"

Jinni said, " _Sure, no problem. Are you two staying in Hamilton tonight?_ "

"I don't know, I think so. Why?"

In a sing-songy voice Jinni just said, " _Nothing, good luck with everything_."

Rachel groaned, "Ugh, Jinni, you're almost as bad as the boys. But thank you, I think I'll need luck. And thank you for helping me with my dad. Bye."

Jason showed up with the tray of food just as Rachel finished her conversation with Jinni. Curious, he asked, "Who were you talking to?"

Reaching for her burger and fries, she said, "I called Jinni, I asked her to lie to my dad if calls there looking for me."

"Why would he be looking for you at Jinni's?"

Rachel said, "Because when we're done here I'm going to call him and tell him I'm at Jinni's."

As she got ready to take a bite, her phone rang. She checked it. "It's dad."

Jason whispered "Answer it or he'll be suspicious."

Rachel cleared her throat and answered her phone. "Hi, dad."

" _I'm going out of town tonight. Will you be okay on your own?"_

"Oh. Um, yeah, I'll be okay. I was just about to call you. I'm going to stay at Jinni's tonight. We're working on a project for school and it's talking longer than we thought."

_"If you need anything call my secretary. She'll know where I am."_

"Oh, okay, well, see you when you get back. Bye."

Jason grinned, "Guess you don't have to worry about your dad."

"Yeah, guess not," said Rachel, a little distracted. Trigon tried not to take business trips during the week. He didn't sound like anything was wrong but Rachel wondered what was going on. She wondered where he was going. "What about your mom? What are you going to tell her?"

He finished the second half of his burger in three bites. "Don't worry about it. I left her a message that I was helping a friend." He chuckled at her expression. "Well, I am helping a friend. Do you want the rest of your fries?"

She shielded her food from his grabbing hand. "Yes, I want my fries. Sometimes they're the best part. If you want more, go get them yourself."

* * *

 

Back on the road again, Rachel suddenly realized she was just like her dad, her temper was the same. Someone made her angry and she lashed out, hurting them. She mentioned that she's worried about Kitten.

Jason told her, "Don't worry about her."

Rachel shook her head, "No, she could've been hurt and not even realized it. I'm horrible. She could be in the hospital right now and it would be my fault. It's all because of my stupid temper." 'I'm just like dad.'

"Bubbles, calm down. Kitten is okay. If anything happened to her, she probably just broke a nail. To her, that'd be the end of the world but it's nothing serious."

"You think she's okay?" He nodded. "What if she's not? I mean, I've heard of people hitting their head in a skiing accident or something and think they're fine but they end up dead."

"Did she hit her head?"

"I don't think so. Oh God, I'm a horrible person," she berated herself. "I don't even know if she hurt herself when she fell."

"You are not horrible. You're concerned about her, that shows you're not cruel. If you switched places, do you think Kitten would be worried about you? Has she ever worried about you?"

Rachel thought back to the last few years. "I don't think so."

Jason could sense rachel was still bothered. "If it makes you feel better, you could call her house and see how she's doing."

"I don't know, maybe." Thinking about it, Rachel decided not to call. Jason was right; she's just overreacting.

* * *

 

They rode in silence for a while. As they did, Rachel's thoughts returned to her mother. How would she find her if she wasn't still at the hospital? She might not be in Hamilton anymore. Kitten said her mother saw Rachel's mom in Hamilton but might not be true. Kitten could've said that because she knew how to upset Rachel.

Rachel thought about the piece of paper in her backpack. It had a phone number on it. Rachel didn't know for sure if it was her mom's. She'd never tried it. But it was the only thing that might connect her to her mother.

One day last month, for some reason, Rachel thought about looking up her mother's name. She waited until she was at the library to do that. She didn't want her father knowing she did that. She wrote down a phone number but not a name. Rachel didn't want her father to know if he accidentally saw the paper.

Rachel didn't know what to do. Should she just dial that number and hope she found her mother? What if it that number didn't belong to her mom? Could she handle more loss and rejection with Jason as a witness? Rachel sighed. Why didn't her mother stay in contact with her? At least, she could've let her know she was out of her hospital.

Luck or fate was on Rachel's side. With a hour until they got to Hamilton, Jason noticed they were running low on gas. He noticed in time to see a truck stop was a mile away.

After Jason filled his car, he went inside to get some snacks. Rachel didn't understand how he could stay so fit if he was always eating. It didn't matter. While he was inside, Rachel pulled the paper from her backpack. She stared at it for a second. Then she closed her eyes, saying a silent prayer. She hoped this worked. She didn't know what she'd do if it didn't.

Taking a deep breath, Rachel dialed the number. She bit her lower lip as she waited for someone to answer. Rachel was about to give up when a female's voice answered.

" _Hello?"_

Rachel didn't say anything. She was trying to decide if he voice sounded like her mother's voice. She wasn't sure. It had been about three years since she last heard her mother.

" _Hello?"_ The woman on her other end sounded annoyed. " _Hello? I don't have time for this. If you're going to say something, then say it."_

Rachel remained silent. If this was her mother, she didn't know what her first words to her shoulders be.

" _That's it. I'm hanging up._ "

"No. Wait. Don't hang up."

Rachel heard the woman sighed. " _What do you want? If you're trying to sell me something, I don't want anything. I put my name on a do-not-call list."_

Rachel thought the woman sounded a little like her mother. She hoped she was right. "I'm not selling anything. A-are you Angela Roth? Or do you know her?"

" _No. I'm hanging up_."

"Wait. Please. What about Angela Madsen? I'm her daughter, Rachel Roth. I'm trying to find her."

" _Look, girl, I'm sorry, I can't help you. I don't know who you're talking about. I'm busy. I have to go. And don't call this number again."_

Rachel stared at her phone. She was almost certain she just spoke with her mother. But she didn't understand why she would deny having a daughter if she was Angela Roth. What should she do now?

When Jason returned to the car he thought she looked disappointed. He had no way of knowing about the phone call she just made. 'Maybe she's just tired. It's been a long day,'

* * *

 

An almost four-hour car ride gave them a lot of time to talk. Rachel said uneasily, "Um, sorry about the other night, at the party. Nothing happened between Eric and me. I was so jealous when I saw you dancing with that girl. Guess I wanted to make you jealous too. I'm sorry. I didn't think I'd act like that."

That night with Terra entered his mind, he thought, 'It worked, I was jealous. But that's no excuse. I'm sorry, Rachel, I shouldn't have been with Terra. I'm sorry.'

Rachel misunderstood his silence. She thought he was still mad at her. She repeated, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to push you away. I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. And I shouldn't have listened so much to your mom. I think she did scare me. I do like being with you. Guess I just got scared if we go all the way, we could have a baby. And I am not ready for that. But I should've told you that and not pushed you away. I was wrong. I'm sorry."

"No, it's okay. You shouldn't feel wrong about what or how you're feeling. It's okay to be cautious. I don't wanna push you into doing something you're not ready to do. I agree with you, I'm not ready to have a kid."

"So you're not mad at me?" she asked.

"Of course not." 'I'm mad at myself for screwing things up by screwing Terra.'

"Maybe we can kinda start over again. I mean not back at the beginning; just kind of go back to before we got off track."

"Sure, and I promise we'll go slower."

"We don't have to go too slow. I like you a lot."

After a few minutes, Jason said, "So, you hooked up with Eric?"

Rachel rolled her eyes, "Nothing happened. I was stupid and drank whatever he gave me. I got drunk but nothing happened. I wouldn't let it. That doesn't mean he didn't try but I pushed him away. After that, Vic and Jinni took me to her house."

Jason grinned to himself but Rachel noticed that. "What's with the smile?"

"I was just thinking that explains why Eric came to school the other day with a black eye."

She sighed, "Ugh, Victor Stone, he didn't need to do that . Looks like you'd better watch it around me. Better not hurt me or you'll probably have to answer to Vic. I'm not sure who's more protective when it comes to me and boys, him or my dad."

* * *

 

They arrived Hamilton around eight o'clock. "So, what do we do now?" asked Jason.

"I don't know." Rachel was still thinking about the conversation she had with a woman who might have been with her mother. Why didn't she want her daughter?

"Should we check out the hospital?"

"Isn't it too late for visiting hours? Besides if she's not there, there's nobody to see."

"We can ask them about your mom. Maybe they can tell you something."

Deciding that was their only option, they went to the mental hospital on the outside edge of Hamilton. The receptionist asked them to wait in the waiting room. They sat in silence while waiting. Rachel kept eyeing the receptionist's desk. Any time an orderly, nurse or doctor went by Rachel perked up. No one stopped for her. The plastic orange chairs were uncomfortable but she was willing to sit there all night for a chance to see her mom.

After waiting thirty minutes, a doctor stopped in front of the teens. "Miss Roth?"

"Yes. Were you my mom's doctor? Can you tell me anything about my mother?"

"I'm Dr. Ryan. Let's discuss this in my office." He held out his arm, indicating the hallway to go down.

Once in the office, Rachel asked, "What can you tell me about my mom? Someone told me they saw her in Hamilton. If that's true, when was she let out? Why wasn't I informed?"

Dr. Ryan crossed his arms. "Miss Roth, I understand you're upset. I'm sorry but I'm not at liberty to divulge that kind of information."

Jason spoke for the first time since they met the doctor. "But she's her daughter. Can't you give her any information?"

"I realize they are related but I can't give out patients' information."

"If she's not your patient then if shouldn't matter."

"I'm sorry, I still cannot give you any information. We have to protect our patients' privacy."

Rachel's very irritated with this doctor. He didn't seem to be any help for anybody.

"My father, Trigon Roth, was paying for my mother's treatment."

Dr. Ryan wore a patronizing smirk. "Yes, I realize that and I know who your father is."

"Then you know he's a very influential businessman. I think he'd want to know if you were neglectful in treating my mother. I know he makes a sizable donation to this hospital every year. He could pull his money and donate it to a different facility."

Not sure if her threat was real, the doctor decided to placate her. "I can't give you specifics but your mother was a difficult case. However, gradually she started to show some improvement."

"Can't you at least tell me when she was released?"

"Like I said, I'm not at liberty to divulge such information."

Rachel sighed and almost whined, "I just want my mom back."

Dr. Ryan saw that this girl wasn't really a threat. She was just a scared girl. He said in a kinder tone, "If it makes you feel any better, when she left, she seemed grounded."

"Can't you tell me where she lives? Or maybe give me a phone number."

Dr. Ryan stood up and went to the door. Their meeting was over. "As I've said, I cannot do such a thing. You understand don't you?"

Rachel frowned but nodded. "Yes, thank you for seeing me today."

Jason and Rachel walked to the car in silence. Before starting the car, Jason asked Rachel if she was okay.

Rachel growled out her frustration. "He just dismissed me, treated me like a child."

"That was pretty annoying. I hate when adults do that. I mean, I'm almost an adult so treat me like one. Are you okay?"

Rachel let out a long slow sigh as she shrugged, "What now?"

Jason suggested, "It's late. Why don't we get a room?"

"A room?" Rachel was glad it was dark out so he couldn't see her blushing.

"If you're gonna look for your mom tomorrow you might as well stay in town. Anyway, it's too late to drive back tonight."

'A room?' thought Rachel, 'What have I gotten myself into?'


	14. Good Enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Evanescence or these lyrics.

* * *

**"Shouldn't let you conquer me completely / Now I can't let go of this dream / Can't believe that I feel / Good enough / I feel good enough / It's been such a long time coming / But I feel good" – Good Enough, Evanescence**

* * *

 

In the hotel room, Rachel tried to fall asleep but she couldn't seem to get comfortable. She kept tossing and turning. Glancing over at the nightstand, she noticed an hour had passed. She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. Images of her mom flooded her mind. She flopped her arms down on the bed in frustration.

Jason looked up and mumbled sleepily, "What's wrong?"

She ran her hands through her hair. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. I can't sleep. I can't get it out of my mind."

"Don't worry about it. What, are you still upset about Kitten?"

Rachel sat up and shook her head. "No, it's my mom. I can't get that day out of my mind. No matter how hard I try, it's always there." She closed her eyes for a moment. "I remember running into the room. I still see the image of her lying on the floor."

Jason sat up, he was awake now. "You mean you found her?"

Still covered by the blanket, she pulled her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. She continued, "There was a bottle of pills next to her. Some pills were strewn across the floor. She also had a bottle of some kind of alcohol. She must have hit her head when she collapsed. She had a cut on her forehead. There was blood, a lot of blood. She was lying there so still. I-I thought she was ..." Her voice trailed off.

While Rachel told about her mom, Jason slipped his jeans back on. He went over and turned on the light on the nightstand. He sat on the bed. Jason couldn't believe what she was telling him.

Rachel took a moment before continuing. "When I screamed I must have sounded terrified because dad was there immediately." She stared into space as she spoke, "I don't remember much else after that. Everything was kind of a blur, the ambulance, the hospital and doctors. I do remember dad looking so worried. I felt bad because he had to worry about mom and me. A neighbor finally showed up at the hospital and took me to their house. They tried to distract me but I could only think about what I had just seen. All I could think about was how mad mom would be about the blood staining the carpet."

She looked at Jason, "Isn't that crazy? My mom could've been dying and I was worried about the carpet. I guess somebody cleaned it, I don't know. Dad never let me go back in that room. And not long after that, we moved to Jump City. That scene always seems to be in the back of my mind."

The sad teen folded her arms on top of her knees. She rested her chin on her arm before she continued, "There was a time when I was mad at her. I'd wished she'd succeeded. God, I sound awful, wishing my mother had actually killed herself. I don't hate her. I loved her. I do love her now. It's just, you don't know hard it's been to know she's nearby but I can't contact her. You've been able to call your real father a few times. I haven't been able to talk to her since that day. At the hospital, when I went to say good-bye, she completely ignored me. It was as if I was invisible or not even there. She was aware of dad but not of me. All these years, I haven't heard a thing from her. I miss her. I need her. If she'd died, I would have a gravestone to visit."

Rachel covered her face with her hands. "God! Again, I sound like the cold-hearted bitch everyone thinks I am."

Jason took her hands and pulled them away from her face. He held them between his hands. He forced Rachel to look him in the eye. "You are not a bitch and you're not cold-hearted. You're hurt, and I think you're just the opposite. You're sensitive to so much and to protect yourself from the pain you put up walls. That's what people usually see.

"And I get what you're saying about if your mom had died. Then you'd have somewhere to visit her. Something to grasp onto, even if it was just a gravestone. But the way things are now, thinking that she's out of the hospital, you still have a chance. Maybe we'll find her tomorrow. Maybe it'll be a new beginning for you two. Even if we don't find her tomorrow, we can keep looking. I'll help you."

Rachel frowned, "Ugh. I hate myself for the things I think sometimes. I need her, especially this year. I have friends. And if that's not unbelievable enough, I have a boyfriend. But I have questions about everything, school, dating, everything. I feel like she abandoned me. I almost wish she had given me up as baby. Then I wouldn't have had almost twelve years to know her and love her. Maybe then I wouldn't hurt so badly."

He hugged her. "I'm sorry you're in so much pain."

Holding him tightly, she fought against the tears threatening to surface. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, you probably didn't want to hear all of that. I've kept this locked inside me so long."

"You don't have to apologize. So you never talked to someone about this? What about your dad?"

"No, it's just my problem. He has his own ...demons ...to deal with. Besides, Dad's always busy with work. Sometimes, I don't think he notices me." '...except to hurt me.'

Jason pulled back from the hug. He tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. "Rachel, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you felt so lonely."

Rachel studied Jason's eyes. She didn't know she'd do that, tell him so much. He saw some of her inner layers. Some of those layers she thought made her a freak, an anomaly. She told Jason everything except the abuse, no one could ever know about that, and he didn't run from her. Rachel was certain if Jason knew how messed up she was, he'd bolt. Instead, she thought she saw a flicker of caring in his eyes. She wasn't sure. Could he really care for her when it seemed that no one else did?

While staring, searching each others eyes, Rachel tried to sort things. She had just opened herself emotionally to him. Yes, she'd lied to him, but she explained things. Jason was still helping her. He could've dropped her when he learned that she had lied about her mother. He could've turned back to Jump City and told her to forget everything, that they were done. But he didn't. He stayed with her. He helped her. He said he'd continue to help her. He didn't need to do that.

Shouldn't she be physically open to him as well? Rachel didn't know if she could do that. She told herself it would be kind of like giving him a reward for staying with her. Shouldn't she show him some gratitude? Didn't he deserves something for putting up with all her shit?

Rachel knew she'd be in trouble if her father knew she was here. She didn't know why, but he hated talking about her mother. The main reason she'd be in trouble was she was in a hotel room with her boyfriend. She remembered getting yelled at and pushed around when her father saw her and Jason kissing in Jason's car, nothing more. She didn't understand why her father was so protective when it came to boys but he didn't give it a second thought to hurting her. He didn't seem to want to keep her for himself, as in a sexual way. Rachel was grateful for that. But was the emotional, physical and psychological abuse really the only way her father could show he loved her? That wasn't love.

Maybe Jason didn't love her either but he cared, didn't he? Maybe it was dangerous to start this? Jason had never pushed her to do more than she could handle. He knew she was new to dating. She knew he'd slept with other girls before moving to Jump City. He seemed all right with kissing and slowly doing more things. If Jason wanted to do more while they made out, he never let on, but she knew he had to want more. However, what if, after they got passed a certain point, there was no way to stop, even if she wanted to stop. Could she, should she risk being hurt just for a chance to feel like someone wanted her, to pretend she was loved?

Rachel's heart beat nervously in her chest. It was now or never. It wasn't really. There'd be other chances but that was how it felt to her. If she hesitated she knew she would lose her courage, her spontaneity. If she was really going to do this, she had to do it now. Trying to subside the butterflies in her stomach, Rachel whispered, "Do you care for me?"

"Of course I do." Jason kissed her softly before he got up to go back to the sofa.

"Jason, wait …" She climbed out of bed. He was surprised to see Rachel wasn't wearing her jeans.

"Rachel?"

Rachel went over to him. She took his face between her hands. Her lips grazed his before she pressed her lips harder against his. She needed to feel as close to him as she possibly could. He returned the kiss with the same intensity.

They kissed passionately as she touched his body. The last time they'd kissed like that, they almost went all the way. Rachel remembered how Jason made her feel good. She needed to feel that again. She needed to feel like someone wanted her.

With trembling fingers, Rachel unbuttons her shirt, exposing a cami. She watched Jason watching her slowly slip her shirt off her shoulders. Seeing the desire in his eyes, she felt her face getting warm.

Gaining confidence by Jason's reaction, Rachel let her shirt fall to the floor. She was now just wearing bra, panties and a cami. Wanting, needing to have less things between them, Rachel pealed off her cami.

Rachel was relieved she was wearing matching bra and panties. She was also glad that they were cute, almost sexy. It'd be so embarrassing to be wearing old, plain things. A smile formed on Rachel's lips, it matched Jason's smile. He seemed to like what he saw. "You're beautiful," whispered Jason.

They embraced in a long, ardent kiss. Rachel closed her eyes as Jason touched her newly bare skin. His caress sent shivers up and down her spine. Her heart rate increased and her breathing became strained as his lips trailed down her neck. He caressed her barely covered body, producing soft moans from the raven-haired girl.

Rachel took a deep breath before she lead Jason to the bed, where he removed his jeans. Now underwear was the only thing between the two. She shyly eyed Jason. She'd never been so close to a guy in just his underwear. Her eyes slowly traveled down, past his waist. The bulge left no question that he was ready. She knew her face was turning red. Could she do this?

Once more, Rachel was in awe that she could make a guy feel that way, that she could make him hard. She'd never thought of herself as sexy or desirable. She'd always been ridiculed by boys. Now it was different. Tonight was different. She was in a hotel room with her boyfriend. This wasn't what they'd planned to do but this was what they were doing. Seeing Jason aroused and knowing she was the reason, Rachel felt warmth building in her core.

Jason got on the bed and rested back on his elbows. Rachel climbed onto him. Straddling him, she leaned over him. Her long hair fell around them as she kissed him passionately. Feeling her body rub against him, a deep low growl escaped from his throat.

Rachel's breath caught in her throat when she did that. She had no idea how enthralling, how sensual it would feel to have their bodies touch. Her body tingled with excitement. Only two pieces of thin fabric kept their bodies from contacting. They kissed passionately as their hands explored, touching each other. This was a lot more than they'd ever done.

They both had their underwear on but Rachel was almost overwhelmed by the electricity pulsating through her body. Her body practically ached for him to touch her. They kissed with increasing passion.

Rachel knew she was a complete novice when it came to all of this. She was glad she was with Jason. He had experience. Then again, any experience was more than she had. She knew he would make her feel. And Rachel knew Jason was someone safe. She had opened up about so much. Tonight, she was safe to feel.

Jason had also been so patient with her. Rachel knew he wanted to do more than simple kissing and holding hands. A part of her wanted to do more but she was scared. She was always afraid if they did too much, Jason would make her feel. Ironically, that was what she needed now. Rachel remembered, on one date, she let Jason cup her breasts. Even though her clothes, she liked feeling Jason's touch. Rachel imagined tonight would be like that only so much better.

As their lips continued to press hungrily against one another, Jason put his hands on Rachel's waist. Rolling them over, a squeak of surprise escaped from Rachel. Now she was underneath him with her dark hair splayed around her and Jason between her legs. Rachel noticed Jason's eyes were dark with desire as he studied her. She knew her own pale skin was flushed.

Jason was careful not to put all his weight on her as his lips took over hers. Rachel couldn't believe how sensual it felt having her boyfriend settled tween her thighs. She knew she should slow things down, maybe even stop things before they got carried away. Didn't she say they shouldn't be so quick to have sex? Didn't she say there was no hurry?

Rachel knew Jason wasn't pressuring her. She knew that he would wait for her to be ready. She also knew that once they were together, that he'd been gentle. However, at the moment, he was making Rachel feel things she'd never felt before. A part of her wished Jason would press into her. She was nervous and scared of what he made her feel. But she also craved to feel those things. She wanted to feel things she'd never felt before. She wanted to feel alive.

Rachel was confused when Jason got off of her, then off the bed. She sat up. Where was he going? She smiled nervously when he pulled a condom from his jeans. She was really going to do this?

Jason returned to Rachel. He kissed her as he climbed onto the bed. She pressed her lips harder against his, wanting more. They kissed feverishly as their hands explored each other.

Jason's lips traveled down Rachel's neck. She moaned as he softly kissed her along her collarbone. Caught up in the passion, Rachel didn't object when Jason wrapped his arms around her and unhooked her bra. She knew she should probably stop him but she didn't care. She smiled at him as he slowly slid the straps over her shoulders and down her arms.

Rachel felt her face getting warm and her heart rate increasing. She was a little nervous because Jason was about to see her as no one had. She held her bra to her as she slipped her arms free from the straps. Taking a deep breath, Rachel pulled her bra from her body. Her nipples were already firm because of what they'd done so far but she felt them harden more due to excitement and anticipation. The air was cool on her hot skin. Jason's smile widened at the sight of his girlfriend's bare chest. Rachel's grin also widened. She was glad he seemed pleased.

Carefully, Jason laid Rachel onto her back. The sheet felt soft and cool on her bare back. She even thought her long hair felt different against her back. Her every nerve was alert.

Jason tucked some stray strands of Rachel's hair behind her ear as he climbed onto her. Leaning over her, Jason murmured, "You are so beautiful."

Slowly, Rachel closed her eyes as a soft moan escaped her lips when Jason's hands took the place of her bra. As he caressed her breasts, spreading his hands over her then gently squeezing, Rachel's breathing quickened at the sensations he made her feel. She was right. It was incredibly better feeling his hands on her bare skin. The intense sensations grew deep in her core. She especially liked what she felt when Jason rubbed focused on her hardened nipples.

She knew she should probably do more, touch Jason more, but she enjoyed what he was doing to her. Jason smiled as he pressed his lips to hers, making Rachel think he enjoyed doing these things to her. She couldn't help wondering how long he'd wanted to touch her like this. Rachel ran her fingers through his hair as he kissed her down her neck. "Make …me, make me …feel …alive," she breathed.

Wanting to please her, Jason moved his mouth farther down her body. She gasped when he kissed her breast. He teased her by kissing closer to her nipple but never going directly there. She shivered when he lightly licked her nipple. As Jason took her into his mouth, Rachel's breath caught in her throat. His mouth was wet and hot on her burning skin. She'd never felt anything so overwhelming. She thought having her nipple in her boyfriend's mouth was even better than his hands touching her.

Rachel breathed his name with a raspy voice. She raised her hips, pressing her body against his. Another low growl escaped from Jason's throat. With his mouth still on her breast, he smiled. He continued teasing her rigid nipple with his tongue while he toyed with her other breast. Wiggling with pleasure, Rachel cried out when he lightly nipped her firm, sensitive nipple.

Rachel knew if they were going to stop, they'd have to do it soon, before they went too far. But the building sensations he made her feel were incredible. He made her feel wanted, alive. For once, she felt like she was good enough.

Maybe that was what she needed? Maybe she needed to sleep with Jason so she could feel real, to feel whole? Maybe he shouldn't be gentle with her? Maybe she should just let him do things to her so she would know she was alive? Maybe, deep down inside, and part of her wanted to know what it was like to have hot, raunchy sex? Maybe for a change, she shouldn't be so cautious?

As Jason's mouth greedily kissed her newly bare skin, the intense sensations grew within her. She couldn't help moaning and writhing underneath him. If he could make her feel so good with what they've done so far, what would it be like if they went all the way? Rachel moaned in his ear, "Ohh …fuck …me." Her face became red hearing those words slip from her lips.

"Are you sure?" asked Jason. His own breath was labored. "Once we get to a certain stage, we can't stop. "

"I know. Make feel like I'm alive."

Jason smiled. "Okay, but I have some other things to do first."

Jason's hands expertly explored his girlfriend's body. He reached between her legs. His fingers brushed over the damp fabric, touching her. She inhaled sharply. Rachel had never been touched like that. She'd been curious but was too afraid to touch herself like that, in a sexual way. Rachel couldn't believe she was about to have sex. She hoped she did everything alright. She's nervous but wanted this. Jason fondled her through the thin, wet material. His other hand played with Rachel's breast as they kissed.

Jason slowly pulled his hand from her. He pushed himself back and studied his girlfriend. Rachel saw the lust and desire in his eyes. She was sure she had similar desire in her eyes. "You're so hot," whispered Jason. That made her more aroused, knowing that Jason wanted her. She was incredibly wet and wondered why they'd ever held back. A part of her wanted Jason to tear off her panties off and fuck her until she screamed. She was afraid but maybe she should let Jason do all sorts of salacious things to her.

Jason's lips went back to teasing Rachel's body. He traveled down to her stomach. He teased her navel, making her let out a breathless giggle. He continued passed her abdomen. Rachel watched with curiosity as Jason knelt back. She didn't know what he was doing.

What Jason did next, surprised her. He delicately kissed each of her knees. Slowly, he kissed her inner thighs, going farther up her thighs. Jason's face was inches from her. His hot breath on the wet fabric made Rachel's nerves tingle with excitement. She couldn't help moaning. She couldn't believe how wet he made her. Was it even possible to be that wet? It was so hot seeing her boyfriend's face between her legs.

She knew what Jason was about to do was incredibly titillating. Only, she never imagined she'd have a boyfriend about to do this. Rachel also thought she'd be undressed before Jason thought of going down on her. Wasn't that how it was in books and online? This was incredibly arousing. What was taking him so long? Rachel wanted Jason to touch her but he didn't. He kept breathing, occasionally, blowing softly on the now thoroughly wet fabric. He was teasing her. She quivered with anticipation. "Ohh … fuck …just …do it."

Rachel inhaled sharply when Jason's tongue touched her through the thin, wet fabric. She loudly moaned. Slowly and gently, he kissed in a most intimate way. It was better than she'd imagined. The only way it could've been better, was to feel his hot, wet tongue directly on her equally wet and hot skin. Rachel's eyes rolled back as she closed her eyed. She couldn't believe how amazing he made her feel. She felt the lightening-like energy surging through her body.

With her fingers tangled in his hair, she held his head between her legs. Rachel writhed, squealed and moaned as Jason's mouth continued his loving assault between her thighs. She panted for breath. Her nerves were on fire. Rachel felt her core tightening like a spring. The intense sensations, the building tension he made her feel was almost too much. She didn't know how much more she could take. With his mouth still on her, he smiled.

Sucking her lightly, Rachel throw back her head and cry out as the pressure building within her finally broke. Warm, tingly feelings flooded her body. Followed by slight pulsations at her core.

Slowly, Rachel started to relax. She couldn't believe what he'd just made her feel. If it was that incredible through thin fabric then what would it be like when their skin contacted?

Jason climbed back onto Rachel. She smiled as she caught her breath. She had no idea it would be that …that … , she had no words to describe it.

They lightly kissed. She got a hint of a taste of herself. Rachel thought she would've been grossed out by that but she wasn't. Instead, it only heightened her arousal. She was turned on knowing how much Jason wanted to be close to her. She surprised herself by how sexual she was. She never imagined she'd be like this. Jason certainly knew what he was doing.

It didn't take long for the kisses to become passionate again. They kissed as if they couldn't get enough of one another. Rachel reached down, between their bodies. She tentatively touched him through his underwear. A guttural growl came from Jason. "Wait …" He groaned, "Not …yet …Let me …you first."

As their mouths hungrily sought one another, Jason slipped his hand under the waistband of her panties. He pulled away from the kiss and watched his girlfriend's face as his hand ventured farther. She closed her eyes and gasped when he touched her wet, delicate skin. She was excited having her boyfriend directly touch her intimately.

Rachel became tense and her eyes flew open when Jason started to push his finger into her. She didn't know why she didn't expect that. That was what she wanted. She wanted her boyfriend inside her. It shouldn't matter what part of him entered her.

"You okay?"

Rachel nodded. It felt so strange having something, someone inside her. It felt strange and foreign but it felt good. Giving her some time to adjust, he slowly pushed his finger into her. She closed her eyes as he did that. As Jason began moving his finger, she wondered what it'd feel like having his cock inside her.

Jason kissed her neck as he fingered his girlfriend. Their torsos touched. Rachel's nerves were on fire. Her short navy nails dug into his back as he pushed another finger into her, stretching her some.

She was breathless as he pumped his fingers faster inside her. Rachel felt the intensity of excitement course through her body again. She didn't know how much more she could take. She felt as if she was going to explode. Jason certainly knew how to make her feel alive. Rachel raised her hips, pushing herself closer to him.

Rachel writhed with pleasure. She's never felt anything like this before tonight. Her body tingled as if it was on fire. Her breathing was labored. She felt as if her heart was going to beat out of her chest. It's was as if she'd run a marathon but better.

Once more, Rachel breathed his name as he touched her. While Jason was fingering her, Rachel moaned as she arched her back. Doing that made Jason's hand have more contact with her delicate, most sensitive flesh. He rubbed his thumb closer to her swollen, most sensitive flesh. As his hand teased her intimately, his mouth took over her breast. Rachel didn't know how much more she could take.

Jason sucked on her nipple slightly and Rachel grasped the sheets as a wave of electricity shot through her body. Once more she lost control of her own body. It was as intoxicating as it was moments ago. She was almost dizzy because of the overwhelming sensations. The dark-haired teen quivered and moaned as she involuntarily rocked her hips. She felt herself tighten around Jason's fingers.

Panting for her breath, Rachel smiled as she calmed down some. That was incredible. She was amazed he could make her feel so excited and they hadn't actually had sex yet. If Jason could make her react like that with just his fingers, what would it be like when he entered her with his cock? Would he make her feel more than that? The thought of him entering her, turned her on. Rachel was nervous but ready to lose her virginity to Jason. She spread her legs further apart, inviting him.

Jason pulled away from her. He was surprised by how hot Rachel was. She wasn't exactly shy but sometimes she was timid when it came to making out. Tonight she was so sensual. It made him so hard watching her come. He was eager to fuck her but had to be certain she was ready. "You sure?"

"Oh …God …yes …I need you to fuck me." Rachel moaned breathlessly. She was moments away from losing her virginity.

Not wanting to wait any longer, Jason grabbed the condom. Rachel smiled, "We're you expecting me to have sex with you sometime? Or do you just carry condoms in case you hook up with some girl?" Her questions were innocent. She was just teasing him but Jason felt a twinge of guilt. He had been with Terra.

Jason brushed aside the guilt and climbed back on top of Rachel. He hadn't put on the condom. He still had his underwear on. He'd do that in a minute. He needed to get Terra out of his mind.

With his hands on Rachel's waist, he kissed her lips. He slipped his thumbs under the waistband of her panties. Jason got a memory of doing the same things with Terra. He tried to shake the memories but couldn't. He didn't want think about fucking Terra while he was with Rachel. Rachel didn't deserve that.

Groaning, he broke away from the kiss. Rachel went to kiss her boyfriend again. He put his hand up to stop her. "Wait. I can't. I kinda feel like you might not be ready for this." Jason got off of Rachel.

Clutching the sheet to her chest, she sat up. Confused, Rachel looked at him, "What? Don't you want this? Don't you …want …me?"

Reluctantly backing away from the seemingly willing girl, Jason got out of bed and grabbed his jeans. "I do want you. God knows I've thought of nothing else since that night we almost did it."

Grabbing her bra, Rachel quickly put it on. She went over to Jason. "Then, what's the problem?" She tried to kiss him.

Jason shook his head and turned away from her so he wouldn't see the pain in her eyes. "I'm ready. I want you but I don't think you're ready."

"What! We would've had sex that one time if your mother hadn't come home early. Why is tonight different? We're alone. We weren't going to get interrupted. We were moments from doing it now." Rachel paused, "I know you've been with other girls and I've never … Did I do something wrong? Am I …not good …enough?" Wearing only her bra and panties, Rachel started shivering. She had goosebumps forming.

When Jason turned back to face Rachel, he noticed that. He didn't know if it was because she was cold, angry or it was the effects of what they did but not having sex. It could've been a combination of those things. Jason didn't want her to be upset. He needed to make her understand without telling her the real reason.

"No, no, you did nothing wrong. The last time, I had a feeling you were unsure. When my mom came home, I could sense you were more than a little relieved. I think, right now, you might be too emotional about your mom. I don't want to pressure you into something you might regret later."

Wrapping her arms around herself, Rachel turned to the windows. 'How does everyone seem to know what I'm feeling when I have trouble knowing myself.'

Rachel turned back to face Jason. "What about what we just did? Our hands were all over each other. Your hands and mouth were all over me. You fingered me. You made me feel things I've never felt before. We were moments away from having sex. Fuck! I was ready. If I wanted to stop, don't you think I would've done so earlier? Before I was nearly naked."

"I think you were getting caught up in it. I want our first time, your first time, to be special. It shouldn't be a quick fuck, just so you can say you did it. Besides, you're too young. Your father would kill me if he knew what we just did let alone if I fucked you. I mean, he freaked when he found us just kissing."

"Forget about my father. It's my choice, my decision to have sex. He doesn't get a say. And what do you mean, I'm too young? I'll be sixteen in a few months. How old were you for your first time?"

Jason hesitated, "Um, fifteen, but Rachel, it's different for girls."

"Damn double standards," mumbled Rachel.

"Rachel, I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you."

Sighing, Rachel whispered to herself, "I just wanted …to feel …"

Jason thought he hears her say loved, but he wasn't sure. He placed a hand on her shoulder, "Rachel, I …"

She shrugged him off. "Forget it. We should get some sleep." Rachel went to the bed leaving Jason standing there, watching her. Climbing into bed, she turned off the light. "I'm sorry. This was all a mistake."

"Rachel …"

"No, it's okay. I'm okay. Don't worry, I get it. Get some rest, you have a long drive. We'll leave the first thing in the morning."

"What about seeing your mom?"

The disappointed teen sighed, "Like I said, this was all a huge mistake. We shouldn't have come here."

"Rachel …"

"Good night."

Jason stared at her comforter covered form. Her back was to him. He knew what she was doing. Rachel was shutting him out. She was putting up walls again. When they started dating, she was often like this. Jason didn't want her going back to that. He didn't want her feeling rejected.

Jason grabbed the extra blanket. He got into bed with Rachel, the blanket was between them. Lying down, Jason gently put his arm around Rachel's waist. He felt her become tense.

Rachel clutched her bedding tight. "No. Don't. I, I …can't …not, not now. Not after …"

"Shh, we're not going to do anything. I just want to comfort you. Try to relax."

Several minutes later Jason felt Rachel become a little less on edge.

After sleeping a few hours, Jason woke up confused. It took him a moment to remember where he was and why he was sleeping next to Rachel. He remembered that they almost had sex but didn't. He mentally kicked himself for screwing up.

He wondered why he woke up when Rachel moved some; she's tense again. She seemed to be dreaming. Jason wondered if she was dreaming about her mom. Seeing that Rachel clutched the bedding tighter to her, he realized she was having a nightmare. He wanted to comfort her but was afraid to wake her.

Soon Rachel began to calm down. She turned over and nestled against him. Jason tenderly wrapped his arm around her. The rest of the night, they slept soundly.

* * *

 

Rachel woke up to the sound of things shower. At first, she didn't know where she was. Why was she in a hotel room? Why was she wearing only her bra and panties? Groaning, she remembered the events of last night. They'd almost made love but Jason stopped right before they did. For some reason, he rejected her. Rolling onto her back, Rachel covered her face with her hands. "Ugh, I messed up everything." She stayed like that until the shower turned off. Sitting up, she wondered what Jason would say. What should she say to him?

Jason entered the room, running a towel over his hair. "Morning, Bubbles, I ..."

Rachel cut him off before he could say anything else. "Let me take a quick shower, then we'll go." Climbing out of bed, she grabbed her clothes and raced to the bathroom. Shutting the door, she leaned against it. Rachel sighed and repeated, "I messed up everything."

Stepping into the shower, the warm water felt good. Tears stung her eyes. Frustrated, she slammed her fists onto her thighs. She hissed faintly to herself, "I thought I was passed this. I haven't done this for years." As the tears streamed faster down her cheeks, she remembered years ago crying in the shower so no one would hear her and there'd be no trace of her crying. While washing her hair, she let the tears flow. Rachel turned to the showerhead and let the warm water wash away her tears.

When Rachel came out of the bathroom, she was completely dressed with a towel wrapped around her hair. She searched her backpack while Jason continued watching TV. Irritated about not finding a comb or brush in her bag, Rachel pulled the towel off her head and returned to the bathroom. She came back to the room running her fingers through her long dark hair. It was drying in soft waves and hanging in her face some. "Okay, we can go back to Jump City now."

Turning off the TV, Jason suggested, "Why don't we get some breakfast first."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders. "Sure, fine, whatever."

When they got on the elevator, a college-aged guy was already on it. He looked over the two teen. After checking out Rachel, he gave Jason an approving grin. Before he got off the elevator, he said to Jason, "Not bad. Way to go, dude."

Rachel looked up, confused. What was that guy talking about? Then it occurred to her. "Did that guy just assume we'd had sex?"

"Um, er ..."

Rachel crossed her arms and leaned against the wall. "Great."

* * *

 

After ordering, they sat in silence. Jason watched her as she looked out the window. Rachel tucked her hair behind her ears, revealing her face. Studying her, Jason noticed that she looked younger without any makeup on. Not that she usually wore a lot of makeup but her black eyeliner was sometimes like a mask, hiding what she was feeling. He didn't think she looked like a little girl. She just looked closer to fourteen than sixteen. Maybe it was for the best that they didn't have sex. Still, he didn't like hurting Rachel. He knew he needed to make her understand it wasn't her fault. "Rachel, about last ni …"

Rachel's phone rang. She glanced at him as she answered it. 

"Hello?"

_"Isn't this Rachel Roth?"_

"Yes?"

" _This is …Angela. Are you still in Hamilton?_ "

"Yes."

_"Would you be able to meet me?"_

"Really? Yes, where should we meet?"

_"Do you know where Fraser Park is?"_

"Yes, yes I know where it is. Um, when should I …?"

_"How about ten-thirty this morning? Is that a good time for you?"_

"Uh, yeah, that works for me."

_"Okay, bye."_

"Okay, um, I'll see you then. Bye." Rachel stared at her phone.

Curious, Jason asked, "Well, who was that?"

Rachel looked up at him. Blinking several times, she seemed to have forgotten he was there. "That was my mom. She is here in Hamilton and she wants to see me." She could hardly believe she'd actually have a chance to see her.

Jason started to get up, "We can go now and eat later."

"No, I'm going to meet her at a park at ten-thirty, so we have time." Jason settled back down. Rachel absentmindedly stared out the window. Again, they sat in silence as they waited for their order to arrive.

Suddenly they heard a voice call out through the soft diner noise. "Rachel Roth, what are you doing here?"

Rachel frowned and slouched down in her seat. She knew that voice.

Jason was curious. "Well, who was that?"

Rachel looked up at him. Blinking several times, she seemed to forget he was there. "That was my mom. She, she wants to see me." She couldn't believe she'd actually see her mom.

Jason started to get up, "We can go now and eat later."

"No, we have time. She said to meet her at a park in a couple of hours." Jason settled down. Rachel absentmindedly stared out the window. Again, they sat in silence as they waited for their order to arrive.

Suddenly, they heard a voice call out through the soft diner noise. "Rachel Roth, what are you doing here?"

Rachel frowned as she slouched down in her seat. She knew that voice.


	15. The House That Built Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Miranda Lambert or these lyrics.

 

* * *

**"I thought if I could touch this place or feel it / This brokenness inside me might start healing" - The House That Built Me, Miranda Lambert**

* * *

 Rachel turned to see a seventy-year-old woman approaching their table. The woman had a definite pear-shaped figure and burgundy-red hair piled on her head. The woman repeated her question. She screeched out, "Rachel, sweetie, what are you doing here? I haven't seen you in years."

Rachel forced a smile on her lips. "Mrs. Hayes, how are you?"

The woman's coral-colored lips turned from a smile to a pout. "I thought we were friends, you don't have to be so formal. You know how much I have an aversion to such unnecessary decorum between friends."

Rachel glanced at Jason. She narrowed her eyes at his amused expression. "I'm sorry, Mis, uh, Moya, I didn't mean to upset you."

"Don't worry your pretty little head about it. You never answered me, why are you here? Nothing's wrong is it?" Moya stopped to think a moment. Before Rachel could answer, she began again. "Shouldn't you be in school? You didn't drop out did you? Kids these days have no ambition. You just want to hang out at the malls and play video games." Jason had to stifle the impulse to laugh. This woman's description sounded nothing like the girl sitting across from him. Mrs. Moya Hayes continued, "I don't know what the world's coming to. In my day, we valued an education. It didn't matter if that education came from a textbook or a job."

Rachel had been trying to give Moya a reason for being in Hamilton but couldn't get a word in. When the old woman stopped to take a breath Rachel said, "Moya, I moved to Jump City, remember? I'm not skipping school. There's no school today, uh teachers' meetings." Rachel hoped she was believable.

"What a relief. I always thought you were a smart one. Now, you're going to go to college after high school, right?" Rachel nodded. "Good girl." Rachel cringed, 'What am I, a dog that deserves a treat for doing a trick?' Moya continued, "You will need a degree in order to have a good career. Don't just get a job. A smart young woman like you should have a career."

Rachel resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She knew the woman meant well. Rachel wished she would lose interest and leave. She wasn't that lucky.

"Oh, there's dad. Yoo-hoo, dad, I'm over here. See, it's little Rachel."

A short old man with thinning white hair approached their table. "Oh, hi, Rachel, how are you?"

Rachel gave him a weak smile. "Hi, uh, dad, I'm fine, how are you?" She almost hated to ask that question because she didn't know what kind of answer she'd get.

"Thanks for asking. I'm doing much better. A few days ago, my back was bothering me. I'm …"

Moya interrupted him, "Now dad, Rachel doesn't want to here about your lumbago. Especially since she's here with a ma-an. What's your name, sugar?"

"I'm Jason Xavier, ma'am."

"Nonsense with that ma'am stuff. We've known Rachel since she was a little girl. Oh, dad, remember that time when little Rae-Rae was playing in the rain in her birthday suit."

Rachel wanted to scream at them to go away. 'Would a meteor please hit the city and have this over with.'

Bill Hayes, or dad, came to Rachel's rescue. "Come on, ma, we don't have time to tell stories. We have to go meet the Josephsons before we go dancing tonight." He leaned over to Jason. "Women love dancing, remember that, son."

Jason nodded as he tried not to burst out laughing. "Thank you, I'll try to keep that in mind."

Moya recalled their plans. "Oh, yes, we have to meet with the Josephsons, thanks for reminding me, dad." She explained, "The Josephsons are our dancing partners but we're still better. We're in the running for the trophy this time."

Rachel mumbled, "That's nice."

Bill called out to Moya, "Honey, we should be going. See you around, Rachel, Jason." The teens said good-bye.

"Right, we should be going. Tell your mama and daddy I said hi. And remember, the key to wrinkle free skin in washing your face before bed and moisturizer. Don't forget moisturizer."

After they said good-bye to the jolly old couple and they left, Jason burst out laughing. "Who the hell was that?"

Rachel glared at him. "That was Bill and Moya Hayes, also known as ma and dad. They've call each other that since the beginning of time."

"Wow, she's kinda intense."

"She was my babysitter when I was little. She wasn't completely horrible. She knows how to raise kids. They have fourteen of them."

"So ... Rae-Rae …"

"Shut up."

"…you ran around in your birthday suit?"

She sent a death stare his direction. "I was two. Don't tell me there are no incriminating pictures of you as a baby."

They stopped talking when the waitress brought their food. She set a waffle and syrup in front of Rachel. In front of Jason, she set down the mega breakfast. Rachel eyed his large amount of food. "You're really gonna eat all that?"

Jason compared his pancakes, eggs, hash brown potatoes bacon and sausage to her single waffle. True it was a large waffle but he wondered how that was going to keep her full. Finishing a bite, he mumbled, "Yeah, of course."

Rachel rolled her eyes. Boys.

* * *

 

Rachel instructed Jason how to get to her old house. "Turn left at the next light. Keep going straight. It'll be the forth house on the left after the school …um, I mean park. There used to be an old school there. Guess they tore it down."

Jason pulled the car to a stop. They both looked across the street at the small craftsman-style house. Rachel studied all the changes. The tree was larger, of coarse and there was another one added to the front yard. There were also more plants and flowers. The porch, front door and trim were a different color. She noticed all the fall and Halloween decorations.

Jason interrupted her thoughts, "Which room was yours?"

"What? Oh, um, my room was upstairs." She smiled at the memory of her old room. "It was kind of like an attic bedroom so the whole second floor was mine. My room wasn't really that big but I loved have the upstairs all to myself."

Jason liked seeing Rachel happy. He had an idea. "Wanna see what it's like now?"

"It doesn't look like anyone's home."

"Let's check it out." Rachel looked doubtful. He clarified, "We're not gonna break in, just see if anyone's home. What could it hurt?" After considering it for a moment, Rachel agreed.

Going up the front walk, Rachel noticed some letters in the sidewalk. "Omigod, they're still there." She brushed aside some leaves to show Jason the letters RTR.

She explained, "One summer, years ago, my parents were redoing the landscaping. They were having this sidewalk put in. My best friend and I were bored when we came home to find the wet cement. We thought it'd be fun to …"

"…play in the wet cement."

Remembering the fun she had, she laughed softly. "You guessed it. We wrote our names and drew in it. We put our handprints in it. It was kind of like clay to us, so we thought it'd be easy to fix."

Rachel's smile faded, "My parents were so angry at us. They had never been that mad at me before. I remember wanting to cry but not in front of my friend. Of course, my friend had to go home and I was grounded for what seemed like forever."

She traced the childish handwriting. "The handyman was pretty cool though. He calmed my parents down. He said he could fix it easily. After he got it smooth, he snuck me out here. He told me to write my initials small in this corner."

A car pulled into the driveway, startling them. A young woman in her early twenties got out of the car. "Can I help you?"

"I'm sorry. We didn't mean to bother you. I used to live here and we were in town so I thought I'd show my friend my old house. We weren't going to do anything. Just maybe ask to look around." Rachel noticed for the first time there was a toddler in the back seat. Realizing she was on the verge of babbling she offered an apology. "We won't take up any more of your time. We'll go now."

The auburn haired young woman said, "Wait, you used to live here? Was that just a few years ago?" Rachel nodded. The woman thought a moment before speaking. "Is your last name Roth?"

Jason and Rachel were confused, how did this woman know that. "Yes, I'm Rachel Roth."

The woman smiled, "Hi, I'm Amber Somers. Would you mind waiting a moment, I have something for you." Amber unhooked her daughter from the car seat. "Of course it might take a little while. I have to check if this squirmy little thing needs changing."

The teens looked at one another. They had time. Rachel nodded, they'd wait.

Jason and Rachel wandered up the driveway to the backyard. There were memories of her childhood all around. She smiled seeing the swing set. She was glad they kept it. It had been one of her favorite things to do.

Jason said, "You never said what Kitten has to do with this. I know you said she said those things about your mom, but how would Kitten know?"

Rachel wondered how much she should tell him. He's been pretty understanding so far. She hasn't straight out lied but she hasn't mentioned some things, like her mom. Rachel walked over to the swing set. Jason followed her. After they were each on a swing she said, "You know before I moved to Jump City I lived in Hamilton." Rachel kicked off. She pumped her legs a few times. It still felt good have the wind blow through her hair. She dragged her feet, stopping. "Um, so did Kitten. We went to school together. We'd been in the same classes from day one, since kindergarten."

"So that's how Kitten knew about your mom; she knew about her problems."

Rachel nodded, "We weren't just classmates, we were, um …friends, best friends."

Jason was shocked. "You and Kitten were best friends?"

Rachel laughed sadly. "Yeah, in grade school we were pretty much inseparable. We did just about everything together. But in junior high, she got new friends and got interested in boys. We started going our separate ways.

"It wasn't like Kitten was my only friend, I had others. But I've always been the quiet one in the group. I've always been into reading and art. I think I started distancing myself because I was scared about mom. When you're, I don't know, about ten or eleven years old some of that stuff really scares you."

Rachel rolled her eyes as she added sarcastically, "Yeah, I really wanted to be around people when Kitten started telling rumors about my family." She stared off into space for a moment then shook her head slightly as if she was trying to shake the memories. "I told her some things because I thought she was my friend. I guess she wanted to impress her new friends, so she told them things. Some of what she said was true but must most of them were lies."

Jason watched Rachel with curiosity and concern. He asked, "If you don't mind me asking, what were some of the things she said?" Rachel closed her eyes and furrowed her brow. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

Shaking her head, "No, I can tell you." She let out a deep sigh. "The thing that ended our friendship was a major lie. I was so upset about mom that dad pulled me out of school for a few weeks. While I was out Kitten told people that mom had tried to kill herself. That part was true but I didn't want everybody knowing that. Kitten also said that either mom tried to kill me or I tried to commit suicide. I never did figure out which lie she told."

Jason muttered, "Why does Kitten always have to be a bitch?"

"Ever since then, I've been known as a creepy freak."

He leaned over and gave her a hug. "I'm sorry about everything Kitten did. You know you're not a freak."

Rachel pulled away. She smiled sadly and shrugged. "Yeah, I guess." She looked down, studying the ground.

Jason lifted up Rachel's chin, forcing her to look him in the eye. "Bubbles, stop listening to Kitten. She's nothing but a superficial bitch. Stop living in this negative world of yours. I'm not trying to change you. I like you for who you are but I hate the pain you put yourself through by listening to all that shit. Promise me you'll try not to let Kitten's hatred bother you."

Rachel quickly nodded. "I'll try." 'But it's hard when you live with it constantly.'

Leaning in, they kissed gently. They jumped apart when they heard someone clear their throat. "Ahem, sorry," said Amber, holding her daughter on her hip and a simple wooden box in her other hand. "I didn't know it would take so long to find it. I had to call my husband to find out where he put it." She held the box out to Rachel, who eyed it with curiosity. Amber set her dark haired daughter down and explained "When we found these in the basement, I didn't have the heart to throw them away."

The young girl toddled over to Jason who was still sitting on the swing. She held her hands up to him. "Daddy!" Jason's face had a flicker of fear as it blanched. He gently tried to push the little girl away but she was insistent. "Daddy, Daddy up."

Smiling, Amber went over and swooped her daughter up causing her to giggle. "Sorry, Ruby thinks any guy with dark hair over a certain age is her dad." Little Ruby still reached for Jason. "Ruby, that's not daddy. Daddy's at work, he'll be home for lunch." To Rachel she said, "If you need anything else, I'll be inside."

Rachel glanced down at the box in her hands. "I think we're going to leave so we won't be in your way. Thank you for saving this and giving it to me."

Amber and Ruby waved good-bye before they went inside. As Jason and Rachel walked past the front walk Jason said, "Kitten was the friend who played in the wet cement with you."

Rachel sighed, "Yeah, we always thought we'd be best friends." 'That's the past, it's over. I'm anxious to get to the car to see what's in this box.'

Opening the box, they found some photographs and a small book. Rachel's never seen the book but guessed it was a diary. She was itching to read or at least flip through it but they didn't have a lot of time. She took out the pictures.

The first one looked like it a first day of school picture. Turning it over confirmed her thought. It read, Rachel, first day of first grade. Flipping the picture over again, she held it so Jason could see it. It showed a little girl with long dark hair pulled to the side in low pigtails. Wearing a blue and white striped dress, she stood smiling in front of the house. She's proudly showing off her apparently new backpack. Jason commented, "It looks like you were excited about school."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders, "Yeah, I liked it alright back then."

The next picture had the same little girl. She was sitting on the porch steps. Gone was the smile and excitement. Replacing the smile was an irritated expression. Jason chuckled slightly. He recognized the little girl's expression. He'd seen Rachel with that same face many times. "What's with that look?"

"I don't know, maybe too many pictures? I don't remember."

There was a picture of Rachel as a little girl asleep on the floor in front of the Christmas tree. Opened presents were all around the tree.

The next one was of an Easter egg hunt. Rachel looked to be two or three. There were other kids around. They all had Easter baskets. Rachel held up Halloween bucket, wearing a determined look on her face. Jason laughed at that picture. Rachel said, "What? It held candy, didn't it?

The final picture was of two little girls, they looked like opposites. One had her dark hair in two messy braids and was fair skinned. The other one was tan with her hair up in curly blonde pigtails. The girls were eating popsicles and laughing at some unknown joke. The girls were obviously Rachel and Kitten at the height of their friendship. The moment of time captured when they thought they'd always be friends; there was no reason to believe otherwise.

Rachel frowned at that picture. When she was little, everything was much simpler. Maybe that wasn't true but it seemed so at the time. She sadly asked Jason about the time.

"It's a little after ten." He felt bad for Rachel. He knew she was struggling and wanted to help her but he didn't know how.

With a sad sigh, she replaced the photos and diary back into the box. She put the box in her backpack. "We should go. I don't want to be late for meeting my mom."

As they pulled away, Rachel glanced back at her old house. It was most likely the last time she'd ever see the house. Of course, she had that same thought years ago.

* * *

 

They pulled up to the Fraser Park, where they'd meet Angela. Jason asked, "You okay?"

Rachel let out a shaky breath, "Yeah, I'm just a little nervous, I guess."

"It'll be okay." He gave Rachel's hand an encouraging squeeze.

Rachel gave him a weak smile. She tried to calm the butterflies in her stomach. If possible, she was more nervous about seeing her mother than she was last night with Jason. Rachel still didn't know why or what went wrong last night but she couldn't think about that now. She was going to see her mom for the first time in about three years.

As they walked through the park, tried to steady her nerves. She stopped when she saw two people, a man and woman, standing near a park bench. Jason followed Rachel's gaze.

They were still a distance from the bench, but Jason thought he'd recognize the woman as Rachel's mother. She had long dark hair and a pale complexion like her daughter. The woman seemed to be around the same height and slim form as Rachel. "You okay?" Jason asked again.

"Yeah."

"Who's the guy with her?"

"I don't know."

Rachel stared at her mother and the man talking to her. He had dark hair and a stubbly beard. Rachel had no idea who he was. Was he just a friend, there for moral support? Or was he something more? Was this man, her mom's boyfriend? Was it possible that Rachel had a stepfather that she didn't know about? If that was the case, Rachel wondered, if he knew about her before today.

As these questions ran through her mind, Rachel's heart raced. A thought entered her mind. Ever since her mother left, Rachel's life has become more difficult. Her father's abuse gradually increased. She knew her mother wasn't to blame for what her father did to her. However, her mother just went on with her life. Rachel realized it must have been hard being in the hospital. And she must have worked hard to get out but why didn't she contact her daughter? Was she too busy with her new life to be bothered with her daughter?

"Rachel?"

"What?" Jason's voice shook her out of her thoughts.

"You okay? We should go over there."

She took a deep breath and straightened her shoulders. "Right. Come on." Even though she said they would go over there, she didn't move. Rachel was hurt and confused because things went wrong last night but she needed Jason. She tentatively reached out for his hand. She felt grounded and safe when his fingers laced with hers. Hand in hand, they walked over to the bench.

Rachel paused just before getting there. What should she say? Should she call her mom, mother or Angela? Rachel didn't know.

"Mom?"

Angela turned around. "Rachel?" It'd been years since she'd seen her daughter. She didn't know if she'd ever get this chance. Angela had wanted to contact Rachel but it was too dangerous.

The two females stared at one another. Neither one seemed to want to make the first move. Their male companions became nervous as the seconds ticked by.

Jason knew Rachel loved and missed her mother. He also knew she was hurt and angry. He didn't blame her. He'd probably feel the same way if he'd gone through what Rachel's been through. Jason glanced over to the dark-haired man. He seemed just as unsure of what to do as he was.

"Mom?" Rachel was the first to speak. When she did, her voice cracked with emotion. "I've missed you."

Hearing her daughter's voice thick with emotion broke Angela's heart. She held her arms open.

Rachel didn't hesitate. She was in her mother's arm. Somewhere she hadn't been for years. Somewhere she'd longed to be since her mother left. She repeated, "I've missed you."

Angela stoked her daughter's hair. She was afraid she'd never hold her daughter again. "Shh, it's okay. I'm here." After a few minutes, Angela held Rachel out at arms length. "Let me look at you. You're growing up to be a beautiful young woman." Rachel self-consciously wiped her eyes and slightly shook her head. "Yes, you are," said Angela. "Oh, this is my …friend, Raúl," she added as if she'd just remembered him. "He's here to support me."

"Hello, Rachel, I can see the resemblance. There's no doubt that you two are related."

"Hi, Raúl, uh, thanks," Rachel waved uncertainty. She didn't know what to say to the man with warm brown eyes. She still wondered if he really just a friend or something more to her mother.

"Oh my, look at her hair. It's so long." Angela held out some of her daughter's long black tresses.

"I haven't cut it since …for a few years."

Angela smiled. "I remember you had long hair when you were little. For some reason in the fifth grade, you decided you wanted to cut it short. I didn't want you to cut it so I wouldn't let you. You kept pestering me about it all summer. I finally gave in. For back to school, you would have the short hair you wanted. I kept asking you if you really wanted this. I remember I told you, you could change your mind until the first cut. You insisted on wanting short hair. The first snip of the scissors and the tears started to flow. You cried the whole time. Afterwards, you said you hated it and wanted it long again. I admit it was cute short but I missed your long hair. You didn't look like my little girl."

Noticing Jason for the first time, Angela asked, "Who's this? Is he your boyfriend?"

Color rose on Rachel's cheeks. "Yeah, you could say that. We've been dating for a little while. This is Jason."

"Nice to meet you, ma'am." Jason was surprised by how much mother and daughter looked alike.

Angela laughed softly. Her laugh sounded a little like Rachel's. "I can't believe my daughter's old enough to be dating. That makes me feel so old. You know Rachel, you've grown to be a beautiful young woman."

Again, Rachel's color deepened. "Mom, pretty maybe but I wouldn't say beautiful."

Her mother shrugged her shoulders. "Okay, whatever you say, but I still believe I'm right." To Jason she said, "Are you treating my daughter right?"

"Yes, ma'am, I try to treat her right." Rachel rolled her eyes and softly scoffed at that comment.

Angela didn't know why Rachel reacted like that. Was her reaction geared towards him or her? She looked back and forth between the two teens. Was there something going on between the two? They seemed very close yet distant at the same time. Angela couldn't help wondering how close they had gotten.

She felt guilt for missing out on so much of Rachel's life. She knew the teen years were crucial for a girl. Angela hated to think of what Trigon's idea of dating rules were. To be honest, she was a little surprised Trigon let their daughter date at all.

"So," began Angela uncomfortably, "you're doing good in school?"

"Yeah, guess I do alright."

"And friends? You must have a lot of friends."

Rachel shrugged, "I have some."

Angela smiled knowingly, "You're still the quiet one, aren't you?" To Raúl she explained, "My little girl always had her nose in a book or doing some kind of art."

Rachel shrugged again. She didn't know what to expect but she wanted more than simple small talk.

Rachel and Jason didn't notice Angela stiffen but Raúl did. He looked around the park trying to see what had spooked Angela. He didn't see anything out of the ordinary.

"Why didn't you write me when I was in the hospital?"

Rachel was confused, "I did write to you. I wrote to you all the time. At first, I would write and tell you about everything. Then it became just cards at the holidays, not letters. But I would jam those cards with information about what was going on. I continued to write to you, I just didn't send it. I wanted to remember all the things I wanted to tell you."

"I never got any cards or letters. You probably never sent them."

"I did send them …at first. After the first year, my cards and letters were returned. They were never opened. They were just stamped 'return to sender'. I thought you were mad at me."

Rachel studied her chipped nail polish. She felt like crying but didn't want anybody to notice. "I never heard from you. Not even a card on my birthday. Then you returned my cards without opening them. I told myself you were busy getting better but I couldn't help thinking you were blaming me for what happened."

Angela walked around. "We aren't able to do much here but I did make you cards and sent them to you for your birthday and Christmas. It may not have been the right day because it's easy to loose track of the days in here. I did send you those things. You never sent me anything."

Rachel sighed softly, "Mom, I did …"

Angela was getting agitated. She was flailing her arms about. "And you've never visited me before. Today's the first time in how many years that you've come to see me."

"I'm fifteen, mom, I can't drive yet. Once I can, I'll visit you more often."

"You could've taken the bus."

Rachel thought her mother knew they'd moved. Why didn't anyone tell her? "Um, mom, we don't live here anymore. We move to Jump City a few years ago."

Angela disapproved. "Humph, your father always wanted to live in the big city. Guess he got his way. Just like always."

"I promise I'll visit more often."

Angela looked skeptical, "Yeah right, you're just saying that to make me drop the subject. So you'll look like you're being a good daughter. You don't have to come." She scowled. "I've done fine these past few years. I can go a few more years before our next visit."

"Mom?" Rachel couldn't believe her mom was saying that. Things were going well. What happened? What went wrong? "Mom? I …

Turning her back on her daughter Angela snapped, "Enough! I don't want to hear anymore. I'm tired of this." Before leaving, Angela turned and glared at Rachel. "You always were just like your father. You're like him in every way."

That stung Rachel like a slap. She stared at her mom in disbelief. Her mother thought she was like her father. Angela didn't want Rachel around? What just happened?

Hurt and angry Rachel looked to Raúl for answers but doesn't speak until Angela was out of earshot . "What just happened? What's wrong with her? I thought she was better." She flung her arm out indicating the space where her mom was. "That's how I remember her being before. What did they do to make her better? Why did they let her out if she wasn't better?"

"It took a lot of hard work for your mom to get out of that hospital. She hated it there."

"I'm sure she did. How long have you known my mom?"

"I met her when she was still in the hospital."

"Were you a patient there?" Rachel didn't know if it was a good idea for two patients to get together even if they were better.

"No, my brother was in the same hospital for the same reasons your mom was there. When I visited him, I'd see your mom. She was always alone. Nobody came to see her and I knew how much isolation affected a person's recovery. So I started visiting her as well. Having a friend helped your mom. She started making progress. When she got out, we stayed friends. Um, we're pretty close."

"I was just a kid when everything happened. I was so scared and confused. And then we moved to Jump City. I couldn't come see her even though I wanted to."

"I know and I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty. I think deep down, your mom understands."

Rachel frowned. "Then why did she say those things? If it'd help her, I'd stay away from her."

Raúl took a moment to choose his words. He didn't want to upset Rachel more than she was already. "I think seeing you here with your boyfriend, made her realize how much she's missed. You've grown up and you done that without her. Maybe she thinks you don't need her?"

"I do need her. You have no idea how much I need my mom." Rachel thought about how things were better her and her father. Maybe it was just as well that her mom wasn't around. She probably wouldn't be able to fix anything. "Take care of her. And tell her …I love her."

"I will, on both accounts," Raúl gave Rachel a warm smile. "I know it's hard but try not to worry. She's doing better and she does love you."

Rachel smiled sadly, "Thanks."

Rachel and Jason watched Raúl walk off in search of Angela before they headed to Jason's car. The dark-haired teen wrapped her arms around herself. "You know what hurt the most was when she said I was like my dad. She spit out 'your father' like it was poison. It sounds like she hates him. Do you think she also hates me? That she blames me for what happened to her?"

"She doesn't hate you. You heard what Raúl said. I think she's scared and confused about what's happened to her. Like he said, seeing how much time has passed startled her and she freaked out." Seeing Rachel's worried expression he repeated, "Rachel, she doesn't hate you."

"I hope you're right. Guess I didn't get any answers. It was a huge mistake coming here."

Jason tried to cheer her up some. "You got that diary and those pictures. That's something you didn't have before."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." She let out a deep sigh. "We should probably get back to Jump City."

Starting the car Jason asked, "Want something to eat while we're here?"

Rachel rolled her eyes slightly. He was thinking about his stomach again. "Yeah, sure, could we go through drive-thru? I don't really want to see anybody."

* * *

 

Raúl found Angela in their car. She had her head down on the dashboard.

"Angela?" he asked softly. He didn't want to startle her.

Angela lifted her head. "What did I do? I sacred her away. Some mother I am."

"What happened back there? Why did act like that?"

"I had a feeling that someone was watching us."

"I wondered if that's what you felt. I looked around but didn't see anyone unusual. I didn't see anyone matching your description of Trigon."

Angela shook her head, "He wouldn't come here himself. He'd send someone. All these years and there's been nothing. Why now?" Angela absentmindedly chewed on her thumbnail. "I thought after he sent the divorce papers to the hospital and I signed them, we were done."

She covered her mouth and nose with her hands. Her mind was frantically trying to sort things. "I did what he wanted. I left and never contacted Rachel. In the beginning, I saw the cards or letters that Rachel sent. I knew I couldn't read them so I sent them back. After the first few, I told them to just send them back without me knowing about them. It hurt too much to know how much she missed me."

Raúl had his arm around Angela, trying to comfort her. "I know it was hard but you were doing what had to do."

"I didn't mean to, I didn't want to hurt her. Rachel must be so confused and hurt. I didn't want to do that."

"I know, but she'll be okay. I think that kid, Jason, will help her."

"I can't believe it, she has a boyfriend. My shy daughter has a boyfriend. I don't know how serious they are but she needs me. And I can't be there for her. I wish I could. How did she find me?"

"I don't know, but with the Internet people can find almost anything or anyone."

"I thought I was being careful. And no matter how much I wanted to, I never contacted Rachel. I wrote her letters but you know I never sent them." Angela began to tremble as a thought entered her mind. "What if he thinks I contacted Rachel? What if he comes after me?"

"He's not going to come after you, not after all this time."

"You don't know that. Oh my God, what do I do? Trigon's so controlling. I should've ran. I should've grabbed Rachel and ran as far as I could when I found out he had a gun. Instead, I tried to come up with a plan to leave. He found out, somehow he found out I was going to leave him."

She stopped to take a few breathes. She needed to calm down but couldn't. She was terrified of her ex husband. "He threatened me. He told me I could leave but I'd have to go alone. I'd have to leave Rachel with him. I never thought he'd hurt his own daughter but I didn't want to leave her. His other option was for me to stay but he controlled me."

Angela stifled a sob. Raúl held her tighter. "I couldn't stay. I didn't want to leave Rachel but I couldn't stay. I knew he'd kill me. The abuse was getting worse. I couldn't handle it anymore. I'm a horrible mother. I left my daughter with him."

Raúl knew all of this but it still upset him. His heart ached for the woman her cared for. His anger raged for the man who at one time said he loved Angela but ended up hurting her horribly. "You did what you had to do. You said when you were sure things were safe, you'd go get Rachel. If you'd stayed and he'd killed you, there'd be no one to help your daughter. There's still a chance for you two to be together."

Angela broke down in Raúl's arms. She repeated softly, "I'm so sorry, Rachel, I didn't mean to hurt you again."

* * *

 

Driving back to Jump City, they discussed just about anything except Rachel's mother. Well, Jason did most of the talking. He was trying to distract Rachel. Jason turned to Rachel to ask her a question but found she was asleep.

About an hour later, Rachel jumped in her seat. The seatbelt held her back. She was confused and struggled with it. Her heart was racing. She broke into a cold sweat. Rachel ran a shaky hand through her hair. She wondered, 'Did any of that really happen? Was it really just a dream?'

"Rachel, Rachel, you're okay, you're safe. I think you had a nightmare."

"What?" Trying to focus, she turned to Jason, "Oh, um, I'm sorry."

"You don't have to apologize. Do you want to talk about it?"

Starting to calm down, Rachel searched her memory. That never happened. There was never a gun was there? She lied, "No, I don't remember what it was about. It's already faded."

Thinking about the nightmare, Jason asked, "Do you often have nightmares?"

"Why would you ask that?"

"You just had one now and I think you had one last night."

"Sorry."

"Rachel, don't be sorry. I just wanna help you if I can."

Rachel looked out the windshield, at the city on the horizon. "I think this thing about seeing mom has dug up some things in me. Don't worry, I don't usually have nightmares about mom." Nightmare about her father, that was a different story. A story no one would know about.

He gave her a smile, "I just want you to be happy, you know."

Smiling back she said, "I know. Thanks for looking out for me. And thank you for coming with me. Hope you don't get into too much trouble with your mom."

Jason laughed, "I can handle her. So, do you work tomorrow?"

Glad to change the subject, Rachel said, "No, I'm off. Please thank your mom again for helping me get that job at the café."

"Hey, it was no problem. She like you and likes working with you. Did you wanna do something?"

"I'd love to but I have a dinner thing with my dad. He's meeting with a client who's a real family man. This guy wants to meet my dad's family and that's me. I'm so lucky. I get to dress up; go to a stuffy restaurant while they talk business." She rolled her eyes, "That sounds like loads of fun."

"Well, if your 'evening of fun' gets done early, call me. Maybe we can see a movie or something."

* * *

 

When Jason dropped Rachel off at her house. She's relieved her dad's not home. She hurried up to her room and removed the box from her backpack. She looked at the photos before opening the diary. It did belong to her mom.

Entry from Angela's diary, early 1995: " _Oh God, I can't stand them! They make me so angry! They are so self-righteous!_

_"I love Trigon and they can't stop that. What do they know about love? NOTHING! They certainly don't know how to love their daughter. Yelling at me everyday is not going to make me see things their way._

_"If I work a little harder and improve my grades, I can graduate early. Then I can move out and be with Trigon all the time. He's been talking about marriage._ "

Entry from Angela's diary, summer 1995: " _I am so happy. I don't think I've ever been happier. I just found out I'm pregnant. I'd had a feeling something was going on. I went to the doctor and she confirmed it. Trigon and I are so happy. I am a little scared. This year everything is happening so fast. I graduated, got married and now I'm having a baby. I'm only 17 years old._

_"I hope I'll be a good mother. I know what not to do. I don't want to be anything like my mother. I wonder if she'd be happy to know I'm happy. I don't know and I don't care. They are out of my life now. I have my own new family with Trigon and our new little bundle_."

Another entry, fall 1995: " _Oh my goodness! This little one wants out. She is kicking and wiggling. I think we're having a girl. Tri thinks it's a boy. I think that's only because he wants to throw a football around with someone._

_"I'm getting so big and I still have a few months to go. I don't know how much longer I can last. I can't even see my feet anymore._

_"This little one likes to listen to music. It doesn't matter what I'm listening to. She seems to move or dance to the music. Maybe she'll be a dancer. My favorite time is when it's just the two of us. She likes it when I sing to her. If she's not a dancer, maybe Tri will get his wish and she'll be a great soccer player._

_"I'm so excited and scared. I never thought I'd have children, but now I can hardly wait. I still can't believe it. I have a small, tiny person growing inside me. I've never had something so innocent dependent on me before. I hope I don't make too many mistakes._ "

Another entry, February 1996: " _I got my little valentine a little early. The doctors thought the baby would be due around the 14th but she came about 2 weeks early._

_"I don't think I could be any happier. I have my sweet little girl with me now. She's beautiful. She has large dark blue eyes with long dark lashes. I've never seen lashes like that on a baby, but I haven't seen too many babies in person. She has a head full of black hair. Oh, and her little button nose. She's adorable! Trigon says she'll be a heartbreaker and he won't let her date until she's 30. Ha, ha, ha!_

_"I am a mother. That's so strange for me to say. I am a mother to this sweet, perfect little girl. Tri laughs at me because I keep counting her fingers and toes. But I'm amazed. I can't believe something so perfect and complete came from me._

_"Rachel Tara Roth, my sweet baby girl, I hope you always know how much I love you_."

That was the last true entry. There were some notes about Rachel as a baby: doctor's visits, height and weight changes, first tooth. Little milestones like that but no actual entries.

A picture fluttered from the back pages. Rachel wiped the tears from her eyes and picked it up. She turned it over and a small gasp escaped her lips. It was a picture of Angela with a newborn Rachel.

Eighteen-year-old Angela looked much like Rachel did now. She wore a large smile as she gazed down at the newborn in her arms. The newborn, Rachel, was wrapped in a light pink blanket. She had one arm out and was gripping her mother's finger. Rachel was amazed by how much hair she had as a baby.

The mother and daughter looked so peaceful. The image in front of her began to blur as tears filled Rachel's eye. 'She loved me and wanted me. Dad's been lying. She's always wanted me. I'm glad I made her happy for a while. I know she doesn't hate me now. She's scared. I'm scared. Mom, I hope you get better soon. I love you.'

Rachel placed the diary and photos back in the box. She hid the box under somethings in the back of her closet. She didn't want her father to find them. She was terrified about what he'd do if he found out she went to Hamilton.


	16. Numb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own anything, not the Teen Titans, Linkin Park or these lyrics.

* * *

**"Every step that I take is another mistake to you" -Numb, Linkin Park**

* * *

 Rachel was back home, in her house in Hamilton. She wandered around; it looked like it did when they moved out. She heard her parents arguing. Searching for them, she went through a doorway. Everything changed. It was the same house, but it looked like it did when she was little. Rachel found herself as a little girl huddled under the kitchen table. The little girl was crying. Her parents were in the kitchen yelling at one another. A younger Trigon roared, "You spent two hundred dollars on her?"

"She needed things," said Rachel's mother.

Trigon mocked her, "'She needed things.' She needed two hundred dollars worth of shit?"

Teenage Rachel yelled out, "I don't need anything." But they couldn't hear or see her.

An Angela, in her twenties, tried to stay calm. "She's growing. She needed new clothes, new shoes."

Both Rachels flinched at the sound of his hand hitting Angela's cheek. The adults heard young Rachel's reaction. Trigon reached under the table for his young daughter.

Angela, who was holding her cheek, and Rachel screamed, "Leave her alone!"

Grabbing little Rachel's arm he pulled her over to her mother.

Angela tried to reason with her husband. "Tri, leave her alone. She's just a little girl. She doesn't have to be apart of this. This is just between us."

Tightly grasping the young girl, he snarled, "You like making your mama cry? This is all your fault."

"Trigon, you know that's not true. Let her go and I promise not to spend too much any more. I promise I won't make you angry any more."

"You're lying. You and this brat are always doing something to annoy me."

"No, I'm not lying." Angela tried to coax little Rachel away from her father. "Tri, let her go upstairs. She's just five years old. This has nothing to do with her. You're mad at me. Don't take it out on her."

Trigon shoved his daughter to her mother. "Get the brat out of my sight. I'm sick of her sniveling."

Fifteen-year-old Rachel watched her mother comfort the younger version of herself. "Raeberry, go upstairs to your room. Look through some picture books or color me a picture. Whatever happens, stay in your room." Angela turned to the older Rachel and looked her in the eye. "Go with her. I need you to be with her so she doesn't feel so alone. Maybe she won't be so scared. Please, go with her."

Rachel was surprised she was seen. Rachel quickly nodded. She turned to follow the little girl just as Trigon grabbed his wife's arm and twisted it. Rachel tried to ignore the fighting as she went through her childhood home.

She entered her bedroom; it was decorated for a five year old. Little Rachel was lying on the bed but she's now about ten years old. "Lithium" by Evanescence seeped out of her headphones. As the screaming downstairs became louder, ten-year-old Rachel turned up the music.

The older Rachel turned to go downstairs to help her mother.

"Stop. Don't go down there. You're supposed to stay here, with me, remember. If you go down there, you'll only get in trouble. You'll be the next one to get hurt." A single tear rolled down the younger girl's cheek. "Something happening to her daughter will hurt her more than anything he could do to her."

The Rachels rushed to the door when they heard a loud crash then screams.

Bolting upright, Rachel gasped for air as she looked around her room. Everything was still the same. Moonlight shone through her bedroom window. She ran her trembling hands through her hair. Glancing at her clock, she saw it was just after midnight. 'Ugh! I had that dream again. Why? Why did I have it?' It was the same dream, her parents were fighting in the house in Hamilton.

Catching her breath, she wiped the sweat from her forehead. Why did she have this dream again? She'd never had one like it before. She's had nightmares about her father's abuse but not about her mother. Rachel's had it ever since she saw her mom. What did it mean? Lying down, Rachel pulled the blanket up to her chin. What did that dream mean? She didn't remember her father physically abusing her mother. Yeah, he was often belittling and intimidating but never physically abusive, until recently. Why didn't she remember any of that if things were as bad as her dream showed? Did her mother shield her from the violence? Is that why she was so depressed and tried to kill herself?

Rachel rolled onto her side. Clutching the blanket, she stared into the moonlit room. Wouldn't she remember any of that? Why did she have this dream again? Many thoughts floated through her mind as she began to drift to sleep. Rachel hoped for a dreamless night.

* * *

 

In the morning, things were still quiet in the Roth household. Rachel was relieved her father hadn't found out about her going to Hamilton but she was anxious that he would. She didn't know how he'd find out, unless the someone from the hospital called him. That hadn't happened yet and she hoped it never would.

At the breakfast table, Trigon brought up the that night's dinner. "Do you know what you're wearing, yet?"

Rachel poked at her eggs. She didn't want to go to this dinner. "I don't know."

Trigon grabbed the morning paper before sitting with his coffee. "Well, have you thought about that purple one?"

"What purple one?"

"The purple dress you bought for that school dance awhile ago. Why don't you wear that one?"

Rachel was surprised, "You remember that dress?"

"It reminded me of one of your mom's dresses so of course I remembered it. Besides, wouldn't the purple look good with your dark hair?"

Rachel couldn't get over the shock. She was talking about fashion ...with her father of all people.

That afternoon, Rachel took a short shift to cover for someone who called in. As she was working, Jinni came in. She sat at the counter, in front of Rachel. She leaned her elbows on the counter. She wore a mischievous grin. "Sooo ..." sang Jinni, "tell me everything about the other night. What was it like?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You called me the other day and told me you had to stay in Hamilton and you were with Jason. You two had to stay at a hotel, sooo ..."

Rachel looked around the café. It's not very busy but she didn't want to have that conversation with an audience. She motioned for Jinni to follow her. As she grabbed her jacket, Rachel called out, "I'm going on my brake. I'll be back soon."

When the teens got to the alleyway behind the café, Jinni said, "Okay, so what happened?"

"Nothing."

"What do you mean 'nothing'? You were alone in a hotel room with your hot boyfriend, how could nothing happen? We're you too nervous? Too shy?"

Rachel crossed her arms. "No. Nothing happened."

Jinni was confused, "You two didn't make out or anything? I thought you were there to hook up?"

"That wasn't the original plan but that's where things were headed. As far as making out, we were. In fact, I started things. We were in bed and our hands were exploring each other. What he made me feel, with his hands and mouth, was incredible. I was a little overwhelmed but I was ready. He started to pull off my underwear, then just stopped."

"What? He stopped? At that point? You mean he couldn't ...? Wasn't he ...?"

"No, Jason was, you know, ready. I don't know why he stopped."

"Didn't you ask him?"

"Of course I did. He said he thought I wasn't ready. But how was that possible? Like I said, I started it."

"I'm sorry. I didn't think Jason would shy away from sex."

Rachel looked down at her hands as she shrugged. "I don't know what went wrong. I was so frustrated and confused. I still am, especially since he acts like nothing's wrong."

Sighing, she continued, "I'd just told him something very personal. It took a lot for me to do that; to be that open. I decided it was the perfect time for me to open myself to him, emotionally and physically. I was sure he wanted me. If he didn't, he could've, he should've stopped things before I started undressing."

Jinni rubbed Rachel's arm. "I'm sorry."

Rachel shook her head. "I think I would've understood things better if we had gone all the way and then he broke up with me. I'd feel hurt and used but I'd know what happened. Right now, a part of me feels rejected. It's like I'm not good enough to ..."

"Aww, I am really sorry. You shouldn't feel this way about your first time or your almost first time. It's unbelievable how stupid guys are."

The two girls were quite for a while. They were lost in their own thoughts.

Jinni got a twinkle in her eyes. "Before he slammed on the breaks, how was it? You said he made you feel things you hadn't felt before."

"Yeah," Rachel blushed remembering the things Jason did to her a few nights ago, "it was ...pretty hot. There were sometimes I thought I would explode. His hands ...and mouth were all over me. I'd never done a lot of those things. I can't help wondering what it'd be like if we did do it."

Jinni sighed, "I need to get a boyfriend or at least a friend with benefits. I like not being connected but I want to be with a guy again. I want to have sex again. And not to brag but I'm pretty good at it."

"Jinni!"

"What? As long as you're smart about it, there's nothing wrong with sex." Receiving a confused look from Rachel, Jinni explained, "Make sure you're ready before you sleep with a guy. And I don't mean just the first time. I mean be sure for each guy. That's what I do. Even if it's something casual, I make sure to protect myself physically and emotionally.

"It's not really a good idea to sleep with a guy to try to keep him. So, I don't know, maybe what happened or didn't happen between you two was for the best. Maybe you and Jason aren't meant to be together. If that's the case, it'd be harder to break up with him if you're sleeping with him."

"I wish I knew what to do. It's not as if I can really talk to my dad about this. If he knew I was thinking about sex, he'd probably lock me in the basement or something."

"You could talk to my mom, if you want to?" suggested Jinni uncertainly. Rachel shook her head. "Yeah, I don't blame you. But if you change your mind, let me know.

"You know, if you do break up with Jason, I don't think it'll take you long to find another boyfriend. You're pretty and smart. Yes, you are. But you've gotten over the first hurdle of the first boyfriend."

Jinni considered things, "I think if Garth wasn't dating someone, he'd go out with you. Have you seen the way he looks at you? Wow, if you two got together in bed, there would be a tangle of long dark hair."

"Jinni!"

"You know I'm right about that. Anyway, I wouldn't worry about it. Whether it's with Jason or someone else, I'm sure you'll be with somebody before the year is over."

* * *

 

That evening, Rachel put on the deep purple dress her father had mentioned. It was a simple satin knee-length A-line dress. The wide straps gave the dress a square neckline. The modest dress fit Rachel perfectly. She didn't want to go to this dinner but her father insisted. If she had to go, she wished she didn't have to wear a dress. However, if she had to wear a dress to that stupid dinner at least it was one she liked.

For some reason, Rachel was having a strange feeling about that night. As she twisted her hair into a low loose bun, Rachel tried to figure out the feeling. Was she just thinking about her mom? Her father said that dress reminded him of one of her mother's dresses. It was either that or Rachel was nervous that he'd find out that she saw her mom.

When she went downstairs Trigon was amazed by how his daughter resembled Angela. "You're the spitting image of Angela when I met her. You know, I met her when she was about your age."

"Really?" They hadn't talked about her mother in years. Rachel wondered what brought this on.

Trigon reminisced, "Her parents were very strict. I'm not sure if she was rebelling against them but we feel in love. We got married just after she graduated. Within a year, you were born." He pulled out a box and gave it to Rachel. She glanced up at him confused, her birthday was months away. "Go ahead, open it."

Opening the box, Rachel found a necklace with a butterfly pendant. Aquamarine gemstones made up the wings. It wasn't something she would've picked out for herself but it was pretty. She was surprised, "What's this for?"

"You're growing up. I just thought you might like something nice. Here, let me put it on you." He stepped behind her and fastened the clasp. He stood behind her as they looked into the hall mirror. Trigon repeated, "You're growing up. You'll be going off to college soon. I know I've been a little hard on you lately. I'm just trying to do what's best for you. It's so hard being a single parent. I never thought I'd be doing this on my own. I don't like you being pain but sometimes I have no choice. You realize I'm so hard on you because I love you, right?"

Rachel toyed with the pendant as her father spoke. She was studying their features. Father and daughter looked nothing alike. Rachel took after her mother. She had her coloring, her eyes. The only thing Rachel thought she had in common with her father was their temper.

How could she agree that his abusive ways were for the best? How could she be on his side, the side that went against what was best for her? She had no choice. There was no one to turn to, nowhere to go. Besides, it wasn't that bad. She was often anxious and on edge but she wasn't beaten daily. Others had it worse, so she really had no reason to complain, right?

She understood that her father wanted what was best for her. She understood he meant he wanted her to not make any mistakes. Mistakes reflected poorly on him. Rachel also knew there was a problem with not making mistakes. No mistakes made her perfect. She couldn't be perfect, that was how her father saw himself. No matter what she did, she'd be wrong.

Rachel couldn't see any other choice, she had to agree with him. "Yeah, I, I understand."

Trigon warmly rubbed his daughter's arms. "Good, I knew you'd understand. We should go. I don't want to be late."

As they drove through the city, Rachel asked, "You never said where we are going."

"We're going to that French restaurant, En Saison. It was the client's choice." Rachel wondered what it'll be like. She'd never been to somewhere that fancy.

When they arrived at the restaurant, they were the last ones there. The client, Nick Simmons and his wife, Claudine were already there. Slade was also there. Rachel didn't know why she was surprised to see Slade there but she was.

Mrs. Simmons said, "Everyone, please call me Claudine. I just love everything French. Nick and I met at college in Paris. I would love to live there again. It is such a beautiful city. Rachel, you'll be going away to college in a few years, any ideas about where you'd want to go?"

Rachel shook her head. "No, I'm not really sure where I want to go. I have kind of thought about a school out of state." She tried to avoid her father's eye. That was the first time Trigon has heard about that.

Claudine offered some advice. "You shouldn't count out Paris." She turned to Trigon. "I know what you're thinking, dad. It's too expensive and too far away. She could get scholarships and technology and travel are always improving so you'll always be connected. Like I said, Paris is a beautiful city."

Trigon chuckled softly. "I'm not worried about the money. Nothing is too good for Rachel. I'm just surprised she would go so far away. We're really close, she's daddy's little girl." Rachel inwardly cringed. That might have been true when she was little but that wasn't the case now.

When Claudine got a call, she left the table so she could take it. She came back and apologized. "I'm sorry I'm not able to stay. I have another commitment that I can't reschedule. You know how it is when you're back in town; there's so much to do in such a short amount of time. It's a pleasure to meet all of you. Trigon, you have such a lovely daughter. I can see why you'd want to keep her close. Rachel, whatever you decide on, I'm sure you'll do great."

With Claudine gone, Rachel had no one to talk to. Rachel was sure the night was going to be boring. She decided she could at least practice reading French. While the men discussed business, Rachel tried to translate the menu. She scanned the menu, _escargots a l'ail ...calamars ...steak tartare._

She frowned at some of the things she saw. She didn't think she'd ever eat snails in garlic, squid, or raw beef. Those things didn't sound appetizing at all. She was sure Gar would freak out in a place like this. She was so surprised by how expensive everything was. Then again, Rachel was used to casual restaurants and fast food places. She was shocked when the men each ordered something that was at least thirty dollars. Scanning the menu again, Rachel searched for something she would eat when she saw _pommes_ _frites_. She smiled to herself; she could have the house salad and the _pommes_ _frites_ , French fries.

After everyone's made their order, Mr. Simmons commented about Rachel speaking French.

Trigon said, "She takes French in school." Rachel's surprised he knew that. Of course, she told him her classes at the beginning of the school year; she didn't think he'd remember.

Mr. Simmons said, "You do? _Parlez-vous français_?"

"Do I speak French? A bit, I speak a little bit. _Un_ _peu, je parle un_ _peu_."

" _Le_ _français_ _est_ _une_ _si_ _belle_ _langue_."

" _Oui_. Yes. French is a beautiful language." Rachel wasn't used to speaking it outside of class. They spoke it in class but it was usually sentence structure and conjugating verbs. She'd never had any conversations with someone who has lived in France.

" _Souhaitez-vous dire chose en français_?"

What did he mean say something in French? Wasn't that what she's been doing? Rachel didn't know what else to say. Maybe she should thank him for inviting her to dinner and comment on the beautiful restaurant. "Um, _je vous remercie de m'avoir invite a diner. Le restaurant est magnifique_."

Beside her, Slade muttered under his breath, " _Tout comme vous mon petit_ _oiseau_. Just like you, my little bird."

Rachel heard him. She glanced around the table. Did he just say what she thought he said? No one else seemed to hear what Slade said. Rachel once again wished she could be with her friends. More over, if she had to be her, she wished she didn't have to sit next to Slade.

The meal continued uneventfully. Rachel continued to be bored. She wondered why she had to come; they're only discussing business. With the exception of them talking to her at the beginning, they seemed to have forgotten her. Rachel kind of wished Mrs. Simmons didn't have to leave. Maybe she would've had someone to talk to.

Bored, she excused herself from the table. Rachel went to the restroom to check for any messages. There was only one; it's Kori wondering if she wanted to do something that night. Rachel sighed. Why couldn't she have gone with Kori instead? She checked the clock on the wall. She'd been away from the table about five minutes. She sighed again, deciding she should probably go back to the table, not that she thought they noticed she was gone.

A waiter stopped Rachel on her way back to the table, "Miss Roth?"

"Yes?"

"Your father asked me to tell you he'd meet you at the car." Rachel thought it was a little strange but she didn't question it. She was ready to leave.

The parking lot was dark and quiet. Rachel wished they had parked under a light. She wasn't usually afraid of the dark but she wished her father would show up soon. The car was locked so she couldn't even wait in there.

"Hello, Rachel," a male voice said from the shadows.

Rachel jumped. She recognized the voice. "Mr. Wilson, what are you doing here?"

He stepped out of the darkness. "Call me Slade. We've known each other long enough to forgo the formalities. I've watched you grow up over the past few years."

Rachel felt uncomfortable being alone with Slade. She repeated, "What are you doing here?"

He walked over to her. "I'm here to see you."

Rachel backed away from him. "My father will be here soon."

Slade chuckled, "Sweet Rachel, you know your father is busy with business. He's so busy he probably doesn't even notice we're not there." He kept walking over to her. When Rachel backed up against the car, she felt trapped. She felt like her pounding heart was going to pop out of her chest.

He put his hand on her shoulder. Rachel looked down at his hand.

When he spoke, she looked up at him. "Having a boyfriend has been good for you. You've bloomed from an awkward little girl to an appealing young woman. Your boyfriend must be very lucky."

Panic filled her eyes when he lifted her chin up towards his face. "I ..."

He put a finger on her lips. "Shh, don't say anything." He took a step closer to her. He traced her lips with his finger.

Paralyzed by fear, she just stared up at him. In her mind, she screamed, 'This can't be happening!'

He said, "You won't tell anyone about this, will you?" She slightly shook her head no. "Good girl. We should go somewhere more private."

A car alarm shrilly sounded off down the street. For a second Slade was distracted. That was enough time for Rachel to slip away from his grasp.

Rachel hurried back to the restaurant. Not wanting to draw attention to herself, she slowed down once she entered the building. She gave the hostess a nervous smile as she passed her. She didn't want anyone to know what almost happened. Her stomach churned thinking about what could've happened. She hurried the restroom.

She stared wide eyed at her reflection. Her skin was flushed. Rachel brought a trembling hand to her mouth. That didn't …he didn't try to …? If that car alarm hadn't gone off, how far would it have gone? Would he have …? He's a bastard. She slammed her fists onto the vanity. "No. I wouldn't let him do that to me. I'm not completely defenseless. I …I'd never let that happen." Rachel shivered at the thought of Slade having his hands on her.

A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts. It was Trigon. "Rach, are you all right? The waiter said you've been in here awhile."

Rachel struggled to keep her voice steady, "I'm okay. I'll be out in just a minute." She took a deep breath and let it out slowly. She knew she had to calm down. She couldn't let on that anything happened. Nothing happened and she was very relieved about that. She splashed water on her face. Patting her face dry, her breathing became steady. Rachel jump when her hair slipped down onto her shoulder. She chastised herself, "Calm down. You can't be jumpy like that or dad will know something's up." She fixed her hair and took several deep breaths before returning to the table.

Trigon was at the table with a dark-haired woman. Mr. Simmons was gone, so business must be done. Who was the woman? Rachel was surprised by how familiar they were. How close were they?

"Tri, is this Rachel?" said the woman. She had a faint French accent. "You didn't tell me how beautiful she was. How you described her, I thought she had just become a teenager. She isn't simply a teenager, she's becoming a beautiful young woman."

"Thank you," said Rachel, awkwardly. She looked to her father. Who was this woman and how did she know about her?

"Rachel, this is Laura De Mille. Laura, this is my daughter, Rachel," Trigon introduced the two females.

"It is so nice to finally meet you. I've heard so much about you. I feel that I know you very well."

"Nice to meet you," was all Rachel could say. She had no idea who this woman was. It kind of sounded like her father and this woman were seeing each other. Did this explain why he was in a good mood some of the time?

After the waiter brought two coffees, Trigon explained that Mr. Simmons had another meeting and Slade was called away. Rachel let out a small sigh of relief; she didn't want to see him.

Trigon asked her, "What's wrong? Why were you in the restroom for so long?"

Rachel told them the first thing that came to her mind. She hoped Kori would forgive her. "I got a text from my friend Kori. She was upset because she's having trouble with her boyfriend. I went to the restroom to call her. I know you don't like me to use my phone at the table."

"Your father tells me you have a boyfriend," said Laura, "Have you two been dating long?"

"No, it's just been a couple of months." Rachel wondered what else this Laura De Mille knew about her. Why did she have to know so much about her and this was the first time Rachel's heard of her?

"Oh, Tri, you're going to have to be careful with the boys around your daughter. She does look at lot like her mother. Wouldn't want Rachel ending up like her."

"You know my mom?"

"No, not at all, your father told me all about her."

"Why would you tell her about mom? And what does she mean, you wouldn't want me to end up like mom?" Rachel glared at her father.

"I'm sure I didn't mean to upset you."

"Rachel, enough," warned Trigon.

Rachel knew she was on thin ice. She needed to calm down and not make him angry. "I'm sorry, I just don't know what mom has to do with this."

"I told her about Angela. Laura needed to know about our past if she was going to be part of our future." Rachel was shocked. It sounded like he was going to marry her. "I told Laura about what happened to Angela. She wants to help you, us but now you're acting like a rotten …"

"Tri, don't be hard on her. It must be hard growing up without a mother. And I meant no harm when I mentioned your mother. I only meant, she got pregnant and married when she was young. I'm sure nobody at this table wants that for you."

"There's no way my daughter is getting pregnant. I'll go after the boy who does that to her," he warned.

Rachel suppressed the urge to sigh and roll her eyes. She knew that'd make things worse. "Dad, you don't have to worry about that. Nothing's happening between me and Jason. We just hang out together. We're not doing anything." That wasn't a complete lie. They didn't go all the way and it didn't seem like they would at this rate.

Laura distracted Trigon by asking how the business meeting went. Rachel was relieved that the subject of her sex life had been dropped. She did not want to talk about that with her father or this woman.

Outside the restaurant, Trigon and Laura walked with their arms around each other. They seemed happy. That should've made Rachel happy but she felt strange about her father's new relationship. Maybe it was because this was just sprung on her.

One good thing about this was she'd forgotten about Slade. Rachel walked closer to her father. She scanned the area but didn't see anything out of the ordinary. Not that she expected Slade to be hiding in the shadows.

What Rachel didn't know, was Slade was standing in the shadows. He watched them walk Laura to her car. He watched as Trigon and Laura kissed. He watched Rachel look away. She seemed embarrassed. He was angry he didn't get a chance to kiss the girl. He was sure he'd get another chance, he just had to be patient.

 


	17. Crawling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Linkin Park or these lyrics.

* * *

**"Crawling in my skin / These wounds they will not heal / Fear is how I fall / Confusing what is real" - Crawling, Linkin Park**

* * *

 

A few days later, Laura moved in. It was strange having another person in the house, having someone other than Rachel's mother living with them. Rachel was irritated that her father didn't ask her if it was all right if Laura moved in. He simply informed his daughter about the change one day. Rachel wondered how else her life could change. She'd only heard of Laura De Mille a few nights ago and now her stuff was all around the house.

Laura seemed nice, most of the time. Rachel learned that Laura was once a stage actress in France. Her career ended when she was in a car accident. She hit her head and was in a comma for a few weeks. The only lasting effects of the accident were migraines and paranoia. Occasionally, Laura had an awful temper.

Rachel thought sometimes Laura seemed calculating, maybe manipulative. She didn't know why she felt that why. Laura hadn't done anything suspicious or out of the ordinary. Rachel figured it was probably because of the way Laura came into her life. Rachel wasn't looking for a mother-figure, she already had a mother. She hoped Laura wouldn't become her stepmother.

Rachel witnessed Laura's temper once when the teen picked up a box. Everything thing else was either unpacked and put away or put into storage. Rachel picked it up to see what was inside it. How else would she know where it belonged?

"Get your hands off that box."

Rachel looked up and saw Laura glaring at her. "I'm sorry, I was just going to see what was in it. I wasn't going to take anything."

"Likely story. You were probably going to put something in this box."

"Why would I do that?"

"You knew it was a box of my things. You want to get rid of me. You were going to put something in this box so Trigon would break up with me."

"No, I wasn't doing that. I wouldn't do that. I was just trying to see where this belonged but now that you're here, it's all yours." Rachel handed the box to Laura. "I won't bother your stuff anymore."

Laura picked up the box. "See that you don't. I've heard you can be like your mother."

Rachel watched the woman leave the room. What did she mean by that? What did her father tells her? Just what Rachel needed, someone else who had a temper and was sometimes paranoid.

One night, Rachel decided to try making dinner. Even though she'd had several lessons from Vic's grandmother, Gayle, her cooking ability hadn't improved much. She needed to practice and decided spaghetti shouldn't be that hard. Instead of popping a frozen dinner in the microwave, something she'd normally do; Rachel began boiling water for the pasta.

She was adding the sauce to the spaghetti when Trigon came home. Something must have happened at work because he was in a bad mood. Not wanting to add to his anger, Rachel slowly stirred as he grumbled about work. She set the table as he went up to change. When he came back down, his mood had slightly improved. Rachel hoped it wasn't a bad idea to make dinner. His mood improved greatly when Laura came home. As she added another place at the table, Rachel was a little annoyed that Laura's presence would have that much of an impact.

As they sat down to eat, Rachel remembered the garlic bread in the oven. She jumped up to get it. It's a little dark on the edges but she hoped it'd still taste okay.

Rachel watched intently as Trigon took the first bite. She didn't know why but she was most concerned about his opinion. She also didn't know why she was so eager for his attention and acceptance. "This is pretty good. Who made this?"

"I did. I just wanted to try something. You really think it's good?"

"Not bad for the first time." Rachel took a bite. She had to agree with her father. It wasn't perfect; some of the noodles were a little mushy. She grinned. He was right, not bad for her first time.

"Yes, Rachel," said Laura, "you did good for your first time. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that you don't know how to cook."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Why did she have to sound so insulting?

"Rachel," warned Trigon.

"I'm sorry, why do you say that?"

"When I was a girl, it was important that a girl knew certain things. Those things helped ensure a woman got a husband." Laura sighed, "But I guess things have changed." Rachel looked at Laura, how annoying. Yes, things have changed. She didn't need to be the perfect homemaker to get herself a husband. Besides, she was years away from get married.

"How do you mean?" asked Trigon.

Laura finished her bite before she explained, "It seems like these days, girls well teens are just interested in having a good time, hooking up. They're not looking to settle down. A girl won't find a good husband if she's only interested in casual sex."

Rachel couldn't believe what she was hearing. Both Trigon and Laura looked her direction. "I am not having sex."

"You better not."

"I'm sorry, Rachel, I didn't mean to upset you or imply that you're … sleeping around. Other girls might be like that but I'm sure you're not." Thanks, thought Rachel. "I only meant that you didn't have a mother to show you, to teach you how to cook. It must have been hard growing up without a mother."

What was Rachel supposed to say to that? Thanks for thinking of her? Rachel DID have a mother. She was still around, sort of. Through grade school, things were wonderful with her mother. Rachel and Angela did everything together. That was until Rachel entered junior high, that's when things started falling apart.

Rachel said the only thing she could think of that wouldn't make her father angry. "Yeah, I miss her."

Laura gave Rachel a supportive smile. "I understand. My mother was in and out of my life when I was growing up. I guess that just makes daughters become strong-willed. You are headstrong like my daughter."

Daughter? Laura has a daughter? Rachel looked at her father. Did he know about that? He didn't look surprised. Daughter? When were they going to tell Rachel about her? Would this daughter some day just show up at the house? How old was this daughter? Didn't they think to tell Rachel anything?

"You have a daughter?"

"Yes, I miss my little Gemma."

"Um, where is she? Why isn't she here, with you?"

"Gemma is away …at school."

Just like that, the subject of Gemma, Laura's daughter, was dropped. They moved on to discussing business and questioning Rachel about school. Before Laura had moved in, Trigon didn't pay a lot of attention to Rachel. It wasn't that she ran wild, that wasn't her nature. But she could do almost anything as long as it didn't make him look bad or seem like a bad parent. Now, Laura has convinced Trigon that he needed to where Rachel was every second she wasn't in school.

Rachel found it all very annoying. Didn't her father trust her? She was the one who didn't always trust her father. Well, she didn't trust his temper or him when he was drinking. Why did Laura get so much say in what went on in a house she just moved into?

After dinner, Rachel decided to do the dishes, mainly to get away from them. They had a dishwasher and Rachel could've simply loaded that, but the teen decided to wash the dishes in the sink. Subconsciously, Rachel might have wanted to show Laura she knew how to do household work.

As she washed the dishes, she thought about Laura's daughter, Gemma. Who was his girl? How old was she? Laura didn't give too much information about her daughter, only that she was away at school. Did that mean she was in college? If not, then why was she at a boarding school? Laura called her daughter headstrong. The way Laura said it, it sounded like a bad thing. Laura said Rachel was headstrong, was that wrong? Rachel couldn't help wondering if Laura would somehow convince her father to send her away. Before this year, Rachel might have welcomed that. But now she had friends and a boyfriend. She didn't want to leave them.

She was almost done when a glass slipped out of her hand. Time seemed to distort. She watched the glass fall in slow motion. Rachel grabbed for the glass but couldn't catch it. How could something seem to move so slow and too fast at the same time? The glass shattered on the floor. Up close, the sound was earsplitting. Rachel's ears rang as she franticly picked up the pieces, occasionally cutting her hands.

Rachel had to hurry. She had to have it picked up before her father got to the kitchen. She had most of it picked up when he entered. She apologized while trying to not express any fear. She knew he feed off her fear. His shoe nudged a good size shard. He picked it up and told her to come to him.

She hesitated. Rachel didn't know what to do.

Sensing her anxiety he said, "You missed a piece. I just want to give it to you." Rachel apologized again as she approached her father. He said, "Put out your hand." She was uncertain but slowly held her right hand out to him, palm up.

Trigon's large hand enveloped his daughter's diminutive one. He tightened his grip of her hand and pushed up her sleeve. Curiosity and dread filled Rachel's eyes as her father pulled her arm to him. Trigon skimmed the shard over her forearm. It barely touched her. At first, she didn't feel anything. He didn't really cut her; he was just trying to scare her. She yelped in pain and stared as a line of red beaded up on her fair skin.

Confused, Rachel looked up at her father. Sneering down at her, he seemed to enjoy the fact that he was causing her pain. He started to draw the glass over her arm again but Rachel tried to pull away. "Ow! No! Stop!" She was terrified. She pulled with more strength than he thought she'd have. When he finally let go of her, Rachel cradled her bleeding forearm to her chest. She felt her heart beating like crazy. Calm down. She had to calm down. Being upset would only make it worse.

"Is everything alright?" Laura called from upstairs. She was coming down to see what had happened.

Trigon called out, "It's okay. Rachel dropped a glass and I was helping her pick it up." To his daughter, he whispered, "Next time you'll be more careful. Go clean yourself up. And DON'T get blood on anything. And remember, do not say anything." He threw the piece of glass away as he left the kitchen, leaving his daughter staring at him in bewilderment. Why would somebody do that, especially to THEIR child?

Rachel heard Laura asking again what happened. Trigon simply told her that she dropped a glass. He said that his daughter has always been a bit clumsy. Rachel stared in disbelief towards the source of their voices. He made it sound like it was her fault. How could she be blamed for him hurting her? Again, she wondered how somebody could hurt their own child like that?

Rachel was shaken from her thoughts as she felt blood trickle down her arm. She went to the powder room. She swayed some seeing her reflection. The front of her shirt was covered with blood, not drenched but it was more than she was comfortable with. She was afraid to look at her arm. She was afraid of the blood. She had always hated the sight of blood. Cautiously, Rachel lowered her arm. She shoved aside the wave of nausea as she looked at her bloody arm.

She needed to get control of herself. It wouldn't help any if she passed out. Her arm probably wasn't as bad as she thought it was. Stay calm. She just needed to stay calm.

She washed off her arm and found that it wasn't as bad as she thought. Some of the cuts were more like scrapes. Most weren't very deep, they only scratched the surface. A couple of the cuts were a little deeper.

Rachel was attending to her injuries, applying ointment and bandages, when Trigon entered the doorway. She froze, terrified by what he'd do next.

"How're you doing?"

"Okay." Her voice was small.

"Here, let me help you." He took her hand. Rachel had to resist impulse to pull her hand away. It reminded her of moments ago when he dug the glass into her flesh. She knew she couldn't let on that she was afraid. She chanted in her mind like a mantra, 'No fear, no fear, no fear …' Helping her apply the bandages, he felt her pulse still racing. He chuckled, "Remember when you were learning to ride a bike and fell; you freaked out about a skinned knee."

"Yeah …" Rachel remembered how he laughed at her. She remembered her father saying any idiot could ride a bike, what was her problem? What was HER problem? What was HIS problem? "… never really liked the sight of blood."

"Okay, you're all set now. Let's watch a movie maybe a comedy, something to distract you."

Entering the family room, Rachel noticed Laura wasn't there. "Where's Laura?"

Trigon took his seat on the sofa. "She had to go out for something. She'll be back soon." Grabbing a remote, he turned on the TV and began flipping through channels. He patted the space next to him. "Come on. Don't you want to watch a movie?"

Rachel glanced at the door. Where would she go if she left? Glancing back to her father she decided that he'd never let her leave. He'd never let their secret become known. He even kept their secret from the woman he claimed to care for. Rachel cautiously sat next to her father. She desperately wanted to run to her room but her fear of her father kept her there.

Occasionally, Rachel glanced at her father from the corner of her eye. He seemed so normal, he looked normal. His red hair was turning white at his temples but Rachel guessed that made him look handsome, distinguished. He didn't look like a guy who'd purposely hurt his daughter.

Why would he do that? Why would he hurt his daughter? Rachel didn't know. She wondered if she deserved it. Was it her fault? After all, she made him angry. But that didn't mean he had the right to hurt her, did it? Weren't most people, when angry, able to control it? Rachel didn't know what was going on. She didn't know why things were getting worse. Was it alcohol or drugs? Was her father going crazy like her mother did? Rachel couldn't help wondering if she was going crazy. Her father acted like nothing was wrong. What was she supposed to do? She could handle the insults and a few scratches and bruises. How could she hide everything when it was as getting worse? What would happen if she told someone about what happens? Could, should she tell Laura? No. Rachel knew she couldn't tell anyone about any of this. No one could ever know.

Trigon broke into her thoughts by laughing at the movie. "This is a pretty good movie, right?"

Confused. Rachel looked up at her dad then at the TV screen. "What? Oh, um, it's good." She forced herself to laugh even though she felt like crying.

Seeing that she was distracted, Trigon gave his daughter a slight hug. "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm, I'm just …tired."

He smiled, "Too much studying last night?"

"Something like that. Would it be alright if I didn't finish the movie and went to bed early?"

"Sure, no problem. I can record the rest of it if you want me to."

"O-okay, if you want to. I'll watch it later." She remembered that there were still some dishes in the sink. "There are still some dishes to do; I'll do them before I go to bed."

Finding the right remote to record the movie, Trigon said, "Don't worry about it. I'll do it."

"Are you sure? It'll just take me a few minutes."

"Nah, go to bed. Get a good night sleep." He kissed her on top of her head. "Good night."

"Uh, 'night." Rachel went to bed with tears in her eyes. Minus the blood and pain, this was how she used to dream how things would be.

* * *

 

The school nurse tended to the quiet girl's injuries. Alice Rogers, Rachel's guidance counselor, was in the room with them. "Rachel, what's wrong?"

Rachel said flatly, "Nothing."

Mrs. Rogers wanted to sigh but didn't. She kept receiving similar one-word answers from Rachel. She was frustrated with Rachel's lack of expression and silence. She decided to try a different approach. In the principal's office, she asked, "Rachel, you're a bright girl. Why would a girl who's smart and pretty want to hurt herself like this?"

Rachel fought to keep her emotions in check. She didn't do this. Her father did but she couldn't say that. She was sure no one would believe her if she did say anything. She thought everyone thought she was a freak because of what he did to her. Angry tears stung her eyes. She hated knowing no one would believe her. Rachel quickly wiped away the tears but not before the others noticed.

Mrs. Rogers tenderly touched Rachel's shoulder but the teen pulled away. "Something is wrong or you wouldn't be on the verge of tears. What's wrong? Is it school? Did you have a fight with your friends?" Rachel quickly shook her head at both questions. "You have boyfriend, right? Is he pressuring you?"

"No. It's nothing. It was just an accident. I didn't mean …" It shouldn't have happened and nobody should've found out.

Mr. O'Donnell, the principal, had been observing. "You didn't mean what, Rachel? You didn't mean for it to happen or for people to discover what you've been doing to yourself?"

Insecure, Rachel pulled her sleeves further down over her hands. "This was an accident. I would never hurt myself like this." Even to her own ears, she didn't sound every convincing.

"Hmm, I think we'll have to monitor you."

Mr. O'Donnell's secretary knocked then poked hers head in the door. "Mr. O'Donnell, Mr. Roth is here." Rachel looked up in shock. What was he doing here?

"Send him in."

Starting to panic, Rachel partially stood up, leaning towards the adults. "You didn't need to call him. I'm okay. I promise I won't cause any more problems. I promise I'll be more careful. I won't let anything like this happen again. I promise, just don't get my dad involved."

"When we have a serious situation with one of our students; it's our responsibility to inform the parents."

Suspicious, Mrs. Rogers wondered aloud, "Why wouldn't you want us to call your father?"

"He's going to be so …disappointed." More like furious, the teen thought.

Seeing her father enter the room, Rachel slowly sunk down in her chair. The principal stood, "Mr. Roth, I'm Mark O'Donnell, the principal and this is Alice Rogers, Rachel's guidance counselor."

Trigon shook hands with the adults. He noticed Rachel sitting in a chair. She looked like she was trying to make herself smaller. He could tell she was trying hard not to show any emotions but could sense how terrified she was. He wondered if she told them about the other night

"Mr. Roth, you're probably wondering why we called you here."

Trigon took a seat, "I have to admit I am curious. Rachel's never been a problem. Is she in trouble?

Mrs. Rogers sais, "Rachel's not in trouble. Well, not in the way you're meaning. Rachel seems to be a troubled young lady. We've discovered evidence that she's been hurting herself."

Trigon glanced over at his daughter, causing her to shrink down slightly. What did they know? What did she tell them? "What do you mean she's hurting herself? Is it drugs?"

Mr. O'Donnell looked over at Rachel. She kept pulling her sleeves further over her hands while she stared at the floor. "No, it's not that. It appears your daughter has been cutting."

"Cutting, what does that mean?" Trigon asked even though he knew what they were talking about.

"It's very complicated," said Mrs. Rogers. "For some people, cutting or self-harm can be a way of coping with problems. I know that doesn't make sense to us but it can be a way to express feelings you can't put in to words, a way of distraction, or release emotional pain. They feel like it's a way to feel in control."

"So why cutting?" asked Trigon.

Mrs. Rogers got up and walked around the room. "Teens, like your daughter, sometimes feel the desperate need for relief from bad feelings. They just don't know any other way to express those feelings."

"So, Rachel's hurting herself because she's sad?"

When Mrs. Rogers put her hand on Rachel's shoulder, Rachel shrugged it off. "It's more than that. They often feel isolated, that they can't share what they're feeling. Sometimes, they have a mental health problem. Other times they have gone through a traumatic experience. They see cutting as a way to cope."

Mr. O'Donnell asked, "Has anything changed at home?"

"My girlfriend moved in with us. Rachel's mother, Angela, left us years ago. I wanted Rachel to have a female, a mother-figure around to help her. Did I make a mistake letting Laura move in?"

"You were looking out for Rachel. You wanted what was best for her. That can't be a mistake. Your girlfriend is good to Rachel?"

"Yes, but do you think Rachel's acting out because of that?"

"That may be, but it could be something else."

Rachel hated that they were discussing her as if she wasn't in the room. She also hated how easily her father lied to the school officials. He made it sound as if he was the perfect father. Rachel knew he was far from that.

"Is Rachel cutting as a way to get attention?" Trigon knew his daughter would have to pay for this stunt.

Mr. O'Donnell said, "No, she's been doing this in secret, she doesn't want to draw attention to herself."

"She just has a few cuts, right? If they aren't that bad then it's not really serious is it?"

Mrs. Rogers went back to standing next to Mr. O'Donnell. "It doesn't matter how serious the wounds are. The truth is your daughter's hurting; that's something to be concerned about."

"Does she need to see a doctor about this? Is she … is she suicidal?"

"First of all, let me say, I don't believe Rachel is suicidal." Rachel's counselor said, "She's just attempting to feel better. However, that's how it can be compulsive, the more a person does it the more they feel the need to do it. They may start to feel a false sense of relief. As far as seeing a doctor, it might be good for Rachel to talk to a professional. She needs to figure out what's triggering her to self-injure. She needs to learn other ways to deal with overpowering emotions. Mr. Roth, your daughter's not weak or crazy. She needs help discovering her inner strengths to help her heal. Then she can cope with life's problems in a healthy way."

"Don't judge her, Mr. Roth, that could make things worse. Support her and encourage communication. In Rachel's case, I've noticed she locks many things inside her. Try to get her to talk about herself."

Trigon looked at his daughter in disbelief. What did she tell them? He feigned concern, "Rach, is this true?"

Rachel remained silent. She wanted to sink through the floor, freeze time, anything to get away from these scrutinizing adults.

Mrs. Rogers said, "Rachel, it's okay. We're here to help you."

They had no idea what kind of help she needed.

Trigon asked, "Are you sure she's doing this to herself? Could it have been an accident?"

Mrs. Rogers said, "Rachel, sweetie, push up your sleeve."

Rachel hesitated but she slowly pushed up her sleeve. She gained nothing by defying them. Everyone saw her bandaged forearm. Only Trigon and Rachel knew what really happened. Once they were done analyzing her, Rachel quickly pulled down her sleeve. She hated seeing the bandages. To her, they were a symbol of her weakness.

Rachel sat there as the adults discussed her. She wasn't the person they were describing. Sure, her life was kind of a mess and maybe she exhibited some of the "symptoms". But she wasn't going to physically hurt herself.

She was brought out of her thoughts when Trigon said, "Thank you for informing me. I had no idea she was so upset." He squeezed his daughter's shoulder as if to comfort her but he squeezed too hard. Rachel refused to flinch. She knew it was a warning; she was in trouble. Trigon continued, "I'll make sure she sees someone about this. I'm sorry she caused an inconvenience."

Mr. O'Donnell said, "It wasn't an inconvenience. I want all of the students to able to learn. If Rachel's distracted by her problems she can't learn and grow. Every student should be able to do the best to their ability.

As they left, Trigon thanked the principal and counselor again. His daughter dreaded going home and he knew it. They walked through the school in silence. They continued in this manner all the way to the car. Rachel braced herself for the onslaught that she was sure to come, but nothing did. During the car ride home, there was a false sense of calm coming from Trigon. Rachel knew he must be angry. She wondered what he was planning.


	18. Papercut

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Linkin Park or these lyrics.

 

* * *

 

**"It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back / It’s like a whirlwind inside of my head / It’s like I can’t stop what I’m hearing within  / It’s like the face inside is right beneath my skin" - Papercut, Linkin Park**

* * *

 Once they were home, the eerie silence continued. It wasn't until they entered the house did Trigon show some of his anger. He slammed the front door shut, causing Rachel to flinch slightly. He noticed his daughter's action.

Trigon growled, "Get out of my sight. I don't want to see or hear a thing from you." He roughly shoved her towards the staircase. Rachel stumbled up the stairs as she ran to her room.

In her room, Rachel locked her door. She tried to figure out what to do. Sitting on her bed with her knees pulled to her chest, she stared at the floor. She slammed the heel of her hand against the side of her head.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

How could she have been so stupid? She was stupid and careless. Did she want someone to find out? Rachel stopped berating herself to think about that. She thought she was being careful. Or was she careless on purpose? If someone discovered her secret, they would help her, wouldn't they? But that wasn't what happened. Yeah, they learned Rachel was in trouble but they got it all wrong. They thought she was hurting herself. Rachel knew she'd never do that, she'd never hurt herself. At least, if she did, she wouldn't do something so visible. She'd never let her father know how much he hurt her. She wouldn't give her father that satisfaction.

What could she do? Looking at her window a thought entered her mind. She could run. She could leave. But where would she go? Rachel was sure he'd come after her. She knew she couldn't put her friends in the middle of that. If she told anyone what has happened to her, would they believe her? According to her father, she was just a stupid girl. Rachel told herself to stop listening to her father's lies.

Rachel's thoughts turned towards what her punishment might be. If he got upset about a misplaced paper then she knew he wasn't going to let a major slip up like this slide. Hearing glasses and bottles clank downstairs, she knew he was getting drunk. She couldn't help but be filled with dread.

Hearing her father's voice grumble downstairs, she opened her door a crack. It was a one sided conversation. Curious, Rachel went out into the hall. He seemed to be on the phone. She leaned over the railing to listen. He was talking about business.

Rachel had a shimmer of hope. Maybe talking about business would tone down his anger some. That fragment of hope was blown apart when Trigon hung up the phone. He stomped up the stairs. Rachel retreated to her room, locking the door quickly. He stopped halfway up the stairs. He bellowed, "Rachel, get your ass down here! NOW!" When he didn't hear her coming down he yelled, "You don't want me to come up and get you!"

As Rachel slowly went downstairs, she felt like she was walking into a lion's den. She just got off the steps when the barrage began. "What the fuck happened! What the hell did you tell them!"

"I didn't tell them anything. They just got this crazy idea."

"Honestly, do you think I'm a fuckin' idiot! They didn't just get that idea! What happened!"

"One of my cuts broke open. I was trying to stop the bleeding and re-bandage it when some girl saw me. I guess she told a teacher. I swear, I didn't say anything."

Furious, Trigon threw his glass of alcohol at Rachel. She ducked as the glass shattered on the wall. What was left of the liquor rained down on her.

"You fuckin' bitch! Can't you do anything right? Now they'll be watching you! This is all your fault! If you didn't keep screwing up, I wouldn't have to punish you. If they suspect I'm hurting you, do you know what they'll do? They'll take my business away. That can't happen. I can't have them watching you."

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean for anything like this to happen. I'm sorry!"

"You did this on purpose! You want them watching you! You want to get me in trouble! You want me to lose my business!"

"No, I don't! I didn't do anything! I'm sorry! I didn't mean ..."

He grabbed her by the arm, "You're fuckin' right to be sorry, you little bitch! You think I've been hard on you before? You're gonna hurt like hell when I'm done with you."

Trigon held onto his daughter with an unyielding grip as he unfastened and pulled his belt off. "You're gonna get what I used to get all the time."

Rachel tried to pull away but he whipped her with his belt. She curled up on herself; her back was to him. She tried to protect her head with her arms. She screamed for him to stop. Each strike made her cry out in pain.

"Trigon! Stop! What the hell are you doing!" It was Slade. Where did he come from?

Trigon growled, "She has to be punished."

Slade pushed Trigon away, "You've done enough!" Rachel never realized that the two were about the same size. Slade was a more even opponent to Trigon than she was. "You've done enough. She's suffered enough."

"Get her out of here," yelled Laura. Rachel didn't even realize the woman was there. Rachel didn't know or when those two showed up. She didn't know what was going on around her except that she was in pain.

Seeing his daughter in that state, Trigon stormed out of the room only to return a few minutes later.

Laura repeated, "Get her out of here! I'll take care of Trigon."

Slade offered Rachel a hand to help her up. She cautiously accepted it. Slade said, "Come with me, I think your father needs some time to calm down."

Rachel was suspicious. "What do you mean come with you?" She hadn't registered what Laura had said.

Slade said, "You two need some time apart. You can't stay here while you're both upset. You're coming to my place while things settle down."

Terrified, Rachel's eyes dart between the two men. She didn't know what to do. Stay with her father, who just beat her or go with the man who could hurt her. Slade seemed to read her mind, "I'm not going to harm you."

At Slade's apartment, the doorman opened the door. He eyed the tenant and the girl who was with him. The doorman could smell alcohol but neither one seemed drunk. He didn't have a good feeling about this and thought he should say something. "Good evening, Mr. Wilson. Might I have a word with you, sir?"

"Rachel, go in and wait by the elevator." After Rachel entered the building, Slade turned to the doorman. "Yes, Wintergreen, what did you want?"

"I know it's not any of my concern, but isn't that girl a little too young for you, sir?"

"You're right. It isn't any of your concern."

"Sir, is she even legal? That girl looks like she can't be more than sixteen." Slade ignored him and continued into the building.

Once inside Slade's apartment, Rachel's eyes darted around. She was nervous about being alone with him in his place. She jumped when he asked, "How badly did he hurt you?"

Shaking her head, she said, "I'm fine." Her actions betrayed her words when she winced as she put her hand to her back.

"Let me make sure you're all right."

Rachel muttered, "I said I was fine."

He chuckled softly, "Damn, you are stubborn." He went over to her and started to lift the back of her shirt.

She spun around and scowled at him, "What are you doing?"

"How else am I supposed evaluated your injuries? Are you going to let me help you?" Rachel continued to glare at him. "Fine, you'll find what you need in the medicine cabinet. The bathroom is the second door on the right. I'll be finishing some work if you need anything."

Slade left Rachel standing alone in his apartment. She looked at the door, tempted to leave. But where would she go? It wasn't as if she could go home right now. There's no way she could go to her friends; she couldn't let them know her secret. With a defeated sigh, Rachel slowly walked to the bathroom.

In the bathroom, with the door securely closed, Rachel searched the medicine cabinet for ointment and bandages. This was so similar to the events she experienced a few nights ago. Finding the items she needed, she set them at the sink and turned her back to the mirror. Carefully, she lifted the back of her shirt up. She winced at the sight of the welts on her back. Rachel tried several times to apply the ointment on her back. She wasn't having much luck; either her shirt didn't stay up or she missed the wound. Frustrated, she sat on the toilet seat. She debated with herself about what to do.

Slade heard her almost childlike voice calling for him. He smiled; he knew she would need his help. He found Rachel standing in the bathroom doorway. He asked, "Did you need something?"

Averting her eyes, she said quickly with a small voice, "I, um, I need your help."

"What was that?"

Annoyed, she clenched her fists. She repeated in a louder, irritated voice, "I need your help, okay. You were right. I can't do it by myself."

They entered the bathroom. Slade said, "Okay, I'll see what I can do. I need you to take off your shirt."

Her large eyes widened with horror. "W-what? Why?"

"That will be the easiest way for me to tend to your injuries." Seeing how she eyed him suspiciously, Slade sighed, "We're not going through this again, are we? I'm not going to hurt you."

"You tried to before."

"I'm not going to do anything while you're injured. If you want my help you'll have to do as I say."

Rachel considered her options, "Would you please turn around?"

Slade almost laughed at her request. "You don't have anything that I haven't seen before."

Rachel dropped her gaze to the floor as her face reddened. She turned her back to him and awkwardly pulled her shirt over her head. She clutched her shirt to her chest.

Slade was amazed at the amount of welts and cuts on the small teen's pale back and arms. Her long-sleeved t-shirt did little to protect her. He noticed the bruises forming on her arms. Slade knew about Trigon's temper. Seeing her bandaged arm, he wondered if this wasn't the first time he'd harmed his daughter. It wasn't any of his business so he didn't say anything.

He pulled washcloth out of a drawer and ran it under warm water. Every move he made, Rachel watched intently. He signaled for her to turn around which she slowly did. She flinched when the damp washcloth touched her skin. Before she could react, he deftly unhooked her bra.

Rachel spun around. "What are you doing!"

Wearing a smirk, Slade said, "Would you relax. I already said I'm not going to hurt you. Now turn around if you want me to tend to your injuries."

Clutching her shirt and bra tightly to her chest, Rachel turned around. Slade continued to clean off her abrasions. She grabbed the edge of the sink to stabilize herself. She bit her lip, refusing to cry out when he reached the part of her back that got the brunt of the attack.

She asked, "What were you doing there tonight?"

"What was I doing at your house?" She nodded. He began putting on the ointment. Rachel flinched at his touch. "Trigon was called out of an important meeting and he forgot some paper that he needed. I was just dropping them off when I heard your screams."

Rachel was now shivering. "Thank you. I can handle the rest on my own."

"Let me put some bandages on the worst ones."

She sighed. "Fine." Slade smirked at her stubbornness.

Her shirt smelled like alcohol. The smell was sickening to her but she tried to suppress it. Slade noticed that. He left the bathroom. When he returned, he handed her one of his t-shirts. "Here, change into this. I'll throw your clothes in the wash." Rachel reluctantly took it. She watched him as he left and wondered why he was helping her.

When Rachel entered the kitchen, where Slade was, she was painfully aware that she was wearing his shirt. It hung on her slender form like a dress, almost reaching her knees. She handed him her jeans and shirt. She was exhausted but didn't want him to know. Her knees suddenly started to buckle but she clutched the table to for support.

Slade stepped up behind her. He took hold of Rachel's upper arms to support her. "Let me help you."

She weakly said, "Let go. I'm fine. I don't need anymore of your help." After shrugging Slade off, Rachel stepped away from the table to prove she was all right. He kept following her, he didn't want her to collapse and hurt herself even more. Rachel was half way across the kitchen when she swayed slightly. He grasped her arms again. Rachel feebly repeated, "I'm fine."

"You're exhausted. Let me help you."

"No. I-I'm …" Rachel's voice weakened as her head dropped and she slumped back against him.

Rachel was vaguely conscious of Slade's actions. He wrapped one arm around her, supporting her torso. He bent down to slip his other arm behind her legs. He lifted her up, cradling her against his chest.

Her eyes fluttered open. Seeing that she was in his arms, Rachel began to fight. She pushed against his chest. "No! Put me down!"

"Calm down. Stop making a fool of yourself," he demanded. "I'm not going to put you down." The aggravation in his voice caused her to freeze. He sounded angry like her father.

Rachel looked at her petite hands touching his solid chest. Realizing how powerless she was, her hands fell limply to her lap. Clenching her fists, she squeezed her eyes shut. He was right. How could she have been so stupid? She went there with him. Nobody would believe her if something happened. It would be her word against his. What did she get herself into? Rachel wondered if it wouldn't have been better staying at home. Her father might have killed her but she wouldn't be going through this.

Slade felt the teen begin to tremble in his arms, he looked down at her. Seeing her worried expression, Slade said, "I'm not going to hurt you. If I was going to do anything, I've had plenty of opportunities. In fact, I could have taken you several times by now if I'd wanted to."

With heavy eyelids, Rachel glared up at Slade. "How comforting," she mumbled. Her eyes glazed over and she lost consciousness.

Slade carried Rachel to the guest room. He placed the unconscious teen on the bed. While watching her even breathing, several thoughts ran through his mind. His fingers practically ached to touch her, only a little. But he knew he wouldn't be satisfied with something simple. He knew once he started touching her, he wouldn't stop. He wouldn't stop until he'd made her his. Although he normally wouldn't have given it another thought to have sex with the unconscious teen, he had promised her he wouldn't hurt her. Deciding to be honorable, he left the room.

_Rachel walks home from school. When she gets home, it's almost dark out. She's annoyed to find the front porch light isn't on. Rachel has to search for her keys in her backpack in the dark._

_"Hello, Rachel," says a male voice._

_Rachel jumps. "Mr. Wilson, what are you doing here?"_

_He steps out of the shadows. "Call me Slade. We've known each other long enough to forgo the formalities."_

_Rachel feels uncomfortable about Slade being there. She repeats, "What are you doing here?"_

_He walks over to her. "I'm here to see you."_

_Rachel backs away from him. She lies, "My parents will be home soon." She glances around; she's at her old home, in Hamilton._

_Slade chuckles, "Sweet Rachel, we both know your father is out of town for business. And your dear mother, well, she's so out of it she doesn't even know what's going on around her."_

_He keeps walking over to her. When Rachel backs up against the house, she feels trapped. She feels like her pounding heart is going to pop out of her chest. "That's a lie! If she knew you were her she'd make you leave."_

_Slade chuckles, he's amused by Rachel's brave exterior. He puts his hand on her shoulder. Rachel looks down at his hand. When he speaks, she looks up at him. "Having a boyfriend has been good for you. You've bloomed from an awkward little girl to an attractive young woman."_

_Panic fills her eyes when he lifts her chin up towards his face. "I …"_

_He puts a finger on her lips. "Shh, don't say anything." He takes a step closer to her. He traces her lips with his finger._

_Paralyzed by fear, she just stares up at him._

_He said, "You won't tell anyone about this, will you?" She slightly shakes her head no. "Good girl. We should go inside where it's more private."_

_Rachel says no and tries to push past him. He grabs her by the shoulders and shoves her against the wall. She continues to try to push him away._

_Slade says sinisterly, "Now Rachel, where are you're manners? Is this anyway to act toward your superior?"_

_He leans down to kiss her; but she ducks, avoiding him. She slips away and runs for safety but Slade chases her. He quickly, catches her and pulls her into an alley. He shoves her against the brick wall; trapping her there. She feels the bricks grate against her back. "You're making this harder than it has to be."_

_Angry, Rachel fights. She pushes him again, with little effect. She growls, "Go to hell."_

_He grabs her slender wrists. "I'll take you there."_

_He goes to kiss her again but she turns her head. He gets her hair instead. He laughs, "I like a challenge."_

_He lets go of one wrist while holding firm to the other. He takes hold of Rachel's chin. Holding her still, his lips crash down on her. Rachel shakes her head, braking free from the kiss._

_Searching for breath, she screams, "Help! Hel…"_

_Slade clamps his hand over her mouth. He snarls, "Shut up, you little bitch!"_

_Her eyes beg him to let her go. "Do you want me to let you go?" Rachel nods yes. He laughs menacingly, "Too bad I don't want to."_

_Slade grabs her head and pulls her to him, his lips crashing down on hers. Her protests are muffled. She tries to push him off her. Her small fists pound against his broad muscular chest. He tightens his grip on her head._

_Squeezing her eyes shut, she's terrified. Slade is nothing like she's experienced before. Jason's always been gentle, even when they're passionate. Even Eric, although insistent, wasn't this forceful. She writhes, trying to break free._

_"Let her go!"_

_Rachel gasps, it's her father. He's here to rescue her._

_Trigon grabs his daughter's arm. "Get over here!"_

_Rachel is pulled repeatedly between the two men. She screams for them to stop. They suddenly stop causing Rachel to fall backwards._

_They are now in the parking lot by the restaurant. She looks up in horror as he father transforms into a lion. He's a red lion with a reddish black main. He roars as he finishes transforming._

_Slade's now turning into lion. He looks much like her father as a lion only he's black and orange._

_Their roars are thunderous as they turn to fight one another. Rachel watches in horror as they lash out with claws and teeth. They are so fast; she has trouble keeping them straight. She gasps when one snarls as the other one's claw rips into flesh._

_They turn to her, noticing her for the first time. Rachel backs away slowly, thinking of a way out. The two lions have stopped fighting to follow her. Rachel tries every car door, but they're all locked._

_Her eyes grow large with terror as the lions morph into one. He's a solid black lion that's larger than the others were. One eye is red the other is orange. Seeing the blood lust in it's eyes Rachel turns to run._

_She runs as fast as she can, darting between cars. She refuses to turn around. She can hear the lion chasing her. She hears it crash onto cars as it leaps from one to another._

_Rachel sees a building up ahead. There are people in the doorway calling her, urging her to run faster._

_She's almost there when a paw catches her leg forcing her to tumble to the ground. She holds up her arm to shield herself. The black lion stands over her. Blood drips from it's mouth._

_Trembling in fear, Rachel tries to slowly back away. The lion steps on her arm. She cries out in pain. The weight of the lion is unbearable. It looks at her and licks it's lips._

_It opens its mouth to roar. Rachel sees the mouthful of razor sharp teeth, dripping with blood. As it slowly advances towards her, Rachel screams._

Rachel leapt up in bed. It was as if she'd just run a marathon; she could barely catch her breath. She was severely trembling as she looked around the room. She was in Slade's place. That was just a dream? Oh God, everything about it felt so real. Why did it feel so real? Rachel wiped the sweat from her forehead. How did she get in this room?

Rachel didn't remember coming to this room. She vaguely remembered losing consciousness and being in Slade's arms. She was unconscious, alone with Slade, in a bedroom! Mentally, she checked herself. Nothing felt different. Her back and arms hurt but she expected that. Slade kept his word; she didn't feel violated. She let out a sigh of relief.

Lying down again, she buried herself under the down comforter. She told herself she had to stay awake, to stay alert. Curled on her side, staring at the closed door, Rachel felt the tears sting her eyes. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to keep them from falling. One tear seeped out and slide down her nose. It was soon followed be another. She couldn't stop the tears, they were falling too fast. Curling up into a tighter ball, Rachel gave into her emotions and cried.

* * *

Gradually, Rachel woke up to the smell of coffee. She remembered what happened yesterday and last night. She let out a shuttering sigh. How could she stop her father? She knew she couldn't count on Slade coming to her rescue again. She was afraid of what he'd expect in return for his help.

Rachel's stomach growled, reminding her she didn't have much to eat yesterday. Because her back hurt, she slowly got out of bed. She stopped to stare at her bare legs draped over the side of the bed. She couldn't go out there like that, in just a t-shirt. She couldn't stay in that room forever. Searching the room, Rachel found an extra blanket. Wrapping it around her shoulders, she exited the guest room.

In the kitchen, Slade was sitting at the table reading the newspaper. "Well, look who decided to get up."

"Sorry."

"Did you want some coffee?" Slade asked, while reading the paper.

"Do you have any tea?"

"Sorry, just coffee."

"Um, do you have anything to eat?"

"Again, no. I usually eat out."

Rachel's stomach growled softly. "Guess I'll have coffee." She'd never had coffee before. She thought smelled all right, but had never wanted to drink it.

Slade set a mug in front of her. Rachel stared into the steaming mug of dark brown liquid. The steam delivered the strong scent of coffee to her nose. She took a tentative sip, burning the tip of her tongue. Rachel wrinkled her nose at the pungent flavor. After letting it cool down a bit, Rachel took several sips. She winced slightly; it was still a little too hot. She hated the taste but felt as if she should drink most of it.

Rachel glanced at Slade. He was still reading the paper. She looked around the kitchen. How did she get there? She knew how but why were things …going out of control? Staring into the ebony liquid, she found no answers. The coffee had cooled down significantly. She gulped down as much as she could, which was about half of it. It tasted horrible to her. It was harsh, bitter and caustic. Rachel grimaced, it was nothing like her soothing tea.

A low chuckle sounded from behind the newspaper. "Didn't like my coffee? Was it too strong for you? I like my coffee strong and robust. It never occurred to me you not be able to handle it."

"I've never had coffee before. I usually drink herbal tea."

"I hope I didn't turn you off coffee. It's very satisfying. The caffeine running through your body. It's quite invigorating. Try it again sometime, maybe not so strong. Maybe you'd like it sweet. Some people like it sweet, but I prefer mine full-bodied."

Rachel didn't like the way this conversation was going. It didn't sound like coffee was the subject anymore. Rachel pulled the blanket tighter around herself.

He looked over at her amused, "I didn't think you were so modest."

"I'm cold."

"Your clothes are ready. I'll get them." Slade got up, leaving Rachel alone again. Remembering her nightmare, she made sure the blanket was tightly wrapped around her.

Slade returned with her clothes. She said, "Thanks. I know you're probably busy, I'll hurry up and get out of here." She went back to the guest room to change.

Changing into her clothes was very painful. Rachel's thoughts turned to last night. Her father must really hate her. He didn't seem to want her. Maybe he never wanted her? If everything she did was wrong, Rachel didn't know what she could do to make things better. All she could think of was to stay away from her father for awhile.

Rachel returned to the kitchen, fully dressed. "Um, thanks for a place to crash. I'm sure you're busy; I'll go now."

"Don't you have school?"

She shrugged, "Yeah, I'll just walk."

Slade folded the paper. "Nonsense, I'll drive you."

"No, that's okay. I don't mind walking."

"Damn, are you always this stubborn?" He grabbed his keys. "At least let me drop you off closer to school."

Rachel glared at him. She could tell he wasn't going to let it drop. He called her stubborn? "Okay, fine, if it'll make you happy?"

Walking to Slade's car, Rachel noticed the doorman shaking his head in a disapproving way. Did he assume that she slept with Slade? She felt disgusted. That would never happen.

In the car, they rode in silence most of the time. At stoplight Slade said, "About last night …"

Rachel knew that was coming. "It was nothing. Things just got out of control."

"So your father's never done anything like this before?"

Had her father ever whipped her? No. "No. Like he said, I needed to be punished and things got out of control."

Slade wondered what she could've done to deserve that but he said nothing about it. "The bandages on your arm, he didn't do that to you?"

Of course, he did but who was going to believe her? "No, I did that to myself."

Slade pulled over to the curb. They were around the corner from the high school. "Why would you do something like that?"

"I'm just a stupid teenager."

"Rachel …"

She unbuckled her seatbelt. "Look, thanks for helping me last night. And thanks for giving me a place to stay. You did your good deed by helping me. There's nothing you have to be concerned about. Don't you have more important things to worry about than a teenage girl's stupid problems? I don't need you or anyone else butting trying to fix me." She got out of the car. "You were in the right place at the right time. I don't owe you anything."

Slamming the door, Rachel walked towards school. She was angry. Angry at her father for hurting her. Angry at Slade for trying to hurt her the other night. Angry at her mother for abandoning her. Angry at Laura for butting into her life. Angry at her friends for not seeing what was right in front of their eyes. Angry with her teachers for seeing it but getting it all wrong. Most of all she angry with herself for letting all of this happen.

Turning the corner, the high school came into view, she stopped. Great! Just what Rachel needed, another day of hell.


	19. Made of Scars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer : I do not own the Teen Titans, Stone Sour or these lyrics.

Almost two weeks have passed since Rachel's run in with her dad and Slade saved her. Physically, she was healed but emotionally, that would take longer. She handled her father by avoiding him as much as possible. Which wasn't easy with Laura trying to make them a happy family. When she did have to be around him, they didn't talk about what happened. It was almost as if nothing happened. She hated when he ignored their fights. She didn't want to discuss it to death but she wouldn't mind an apology. Rachel decided she'd have to settle for no arguments or fights for a while; maybe that was his way of apologizing.

Some of her teachers and especially her guidance counselor annoyed Rachel. They were extra or overly concerned about her. They kept asking questions, trying to get her to open up to them. Rachel kept her answers short. She just told them what they wanted to hear. She hoped they'd stop questioning her; find someone else to bother. When her grades started improving, they backed off her some.

She was a little distant with her friends but not enough that she thought any of them noticed. She was also a little jumpy around them. Kori noticed that and asked about it. "Rachel, why are you like a rabbit around us?"

Everyone was confused by what Kori said. Rachel asked "What do you mean?"

"Well, you seem extra jumpy when someone comes up behind you. You make sure to stand or sit with your back to the wall. Why is that?"

Gar said, "Yeah, when Wally tapped you on your back about a week ago, you nearly jumped out of your skin. What gives?"

Rachel remembered that happening. She'd just been belted by her father and her back was sore. When Wally came up behind her, he scared her. And it wasn't just a tap, it felt more like a slap and hurt like crazy. It was like slapping someone on the back when they have a sunburn. You just didn't do that. But they didn't known. They couldn't know. "I, uh, I just don't like people sneaking up on me."

"I don't think he snuck up in you," Gar said, thinking back. "I think he was just coming over to say hi."

Rachel glared at him a moment before speaking. "Fine, whatever. I have to go to class."

They watched Rachel hurry down the hall. Gar said, "Dude, what's her problem?"

"Rachel is very …complicated."

"I get that. But why does she always seem angry? I thought she was our friend."

After school, Kori found Rachel alone in the library. She asked her friend "Rachel, is anything wrong?"

Rachel glared up at her friend. She said flatly, "No, why?"

"Well, it is just that, um …"

"Kori, what is it?"

"Oh, you just seem a little more stressed than usual. Is there anything wrong?"

The dark-eyed girl contemplated telling her friend for a fraction of a second. "It's nothing. I'm just tired of my dad's girlfriend trying to be my friend." That wasn't far from the truth. Laura kept wanting to hang out with Rachel. She tried to go back to her book but Kori was still standing there. "Was there something else you wanted?"

"Okay, well," Kori tapped her fingers together. She looked hopeful and unsure. "You do not by any chance have any plans tonight, do you?"

Rachel shook her head. "No, Jason's busy so I was just going to stay home and read some, why?"

"Oh good, I too do not have plans. Richard has a family thing to do. Would you like to come over to my house tonight?"

"I don't know, Kori."

"Why is that? We could have much fun. We could partake in girl talk and the braiding of each other's hair." Seeing that her friend didn't look happy Kori tried another suggestion. "Um, makeovers?" Rachel still looked skeptical. "You could paint a design on my wall like you promised?"

With a sigh Rachel relented, "Okay, as long as it's alright with your uncle and my dad, I guess I'll come over. But I don't want you braiding my hair." Kori wore a wide grin while they went to their respective lockers to gather their books.

All the way to Rachel's house, Kori chattered about what they could do. Rachel reminded her not to get her hopes up. "I still have to ask my dad. He might not let me go to your house." Rachel hoped it wouldn't be like the last time Kori was at her house.

Rachel was in luck, the house was empty. She checked the messages, nothing for her, of course. She called her father's office. His secretary, Liz, said, "He's in a meeting right now. While I have you on the line, he wanted me to call you and tell you he'll be out of town this weekend. He'll be leaving tonight."

"Another business meeting?"

"Yes, as you know your father's quite busy. Did you need anything?"

"Uh …no, just let him know I'll be over at my friend, Kori Anders' house and that it's okay with her uncle. If he needs me he can call my cell."

"All right, I'll give him the message."

Rachel hung up the phone. Her father's going out of town again? He's been doing that a lot lately. He was busy but Rachel wondered if he was avoiding her?

"Is everything alright, Rachel?"

Rachel was pulled out of her thoughts, "No, um I mean yeah, things are okay. My dad has another business meeting. He's had a lot of those lately."

"Then I guess that means you can come over." Kori smiled broadly and Rachel returned a much weaker form to her friend.

They stopped off at a store to pick up some more colors. Kori liked the silver Rachel used on her walls but she also wanted other pastels. When they got to Kori's house, Rachel had her ask Galen if it was all right for her to paint on the walls. Kori pulls out her phone and showed him a picture of Rachel's walls. He liked what Rachel did so he agreed. Going up to Kori's room, Rachel asked, "When'd you take that picture?"

Kori hurried ahead to her room. "I took it when you were gathering your paints and brushes. Do not be upset. I thought you would want me to ask my uncle and I wanted to show him what you could do. I will delete it after you paint my walls. That way if I want something like you have I on your wall I can show you. You are not mad at me are you?"

Sighing Rachel told her she wasn't mad. "Just remember to delete it. I don't really like pictures of my room being out there."

"Could I take pictures of my room and show people?

They entered Kori's room. "Sure, it's your room." Rachel blinked and had to take a step back. There was no mistaking this was Kori's room. "Wow, that's a lot of pink."

Kori grinned, "Yes, it is my favorite color. Since as a redhead I cannot always wear it attractively, I have painted my room pink."

In her dark colors, Rachel stood out in the pink room. It was the color of strawberry milk. Pink and purple were on the bed and windows. Stuffed animals filled the room. Rachel repeated, "That's a lot of pink."

"It is called, um, 'thank you berry much', is that not super cute?"

"Very. Where did you want me to paint?"

Kori thought a moment. "Ooo, could you paint something around the windows?"

"How about stars?"

Kori jumped up and down while clapping. "Yes! Stars would be perfect."

They chatted about all sorts of things while Rachel painted. The main topic was boys, Richard and Jason to be specific. Rachel was glad that Kori and Richard were happy going out together. When it was dark enough to turn on the lights, Kori suggested Rachel stay for super. Hungry, Rachel agreed. "Marvelous," said Kori, "we can make pizzas."

When Kori was pulling ingredients out of the fridge, she noticed a bowl of leftover mashed potatoes. Kori called out, "Uncle Galen, could we use the mashed potatoes?"

He peeked the kitchen. "Sure, use whatever you want.

Rachel raised an eyebrow. "We're not going to use that for our pizzas, right?"

Kori laughed, "No, of course not, that would be silly. Would you hand me the mustard?" Rachel picked up a huge jar of mustard with both hands and handed it to her. Who knew it came in a gallon-size jar.

The girls assembled their pizzas. Rachel's was normal. It had pizza sauce, sausage, peppers, onions and cheese. Once more Rachel raised an eyebrow as she watched Kori spread mustard instead of pizza sauce on her crust. Kori continued with hamburger, cheddar and mozzarella cheeses. As she finished it with slices of pickles Rachel asked, "Uh, Kori, what kind of pizza is that?"

"It's a cheeseburger pizza. Do you want a slice?"

"No, but thank you. I've never heard of putting mustard or pickles on a pizza."

Kori giggled, "I guess I got the pickle thing from my dad. The mustard thing that is all mine. I just love mustard. I put it on just about everything. I think if I could, I would put it on ice cream."

Rachel wore a disgusted look on her face. That made Kori laugh harder. "I've never really noticed that but now that I think about it, you always seem to have a bottle of mustard near by."

After putting their pizzas in the oven, Kori asked, "While they are cooking, would you like to make some candy?"

"Okay, how?"

"We already have one ingredient out." Kori pointed to the bowl of mashed potatoes.

"Seriously? We're going to make candy from mashed potatoes?"

Giggling, Kori said, "Yes, we just have to mix in a lot of powdered sugar until it becomes like dough. I like to put in peppermint flavoring. Roll it into little balls and dip them into melted chocolate. Ooo, they are so yummy."

"Potatoes, sugar and chocolate? Seriously? Where do you get some of these ideas?"

"I used to make these candies with my mom and granny. Trust me they taste very good. I would not lie to you, would I?"

After dinner, they went back to Kori's room. Rachel finished the stars on the walls. She painted all sizes and shapes of stars around Kori's windows and her mirror. She either mixed a pearlized white to the pastels or enhanced them with silver. Either way, the stars shimmered on the walls. Kori danced around her room, clapping.

Rachel said dryly, "So, I guess you like it."

"Like it? I love it." Kori pulled her friend into a hug.

Rachel just stood there, not returning the hug. "Kori, let me go."

Kori let go of Rachel. "I am sorry, I got too excited. Oh, I must go get uncle so he can see your artwork." Kori ran out of the room giggling.

Rachel shook her head; Kori was so enthusiastic about everything. Rachel couldn't help but wonder if she'd be more like Kori if things had turned out differently.

Thursday morning, Rachel and Terra bumped into each other before school. Terra muttered under her breath, "Bitch."

Rachel stopped her. "What did you just say?"

Terra glared at Rachel before speaking. "Nothing, just watch where you're going. You're not the only person in the world you know." Terra turned to leave and muttered bitch once more.

Again, Rachel stopped her. "What is your problem? You've acted like you don't like me since we met."

"Who's acting? Well, I only act when the others are around. I tolerate you because they seem to like you. God knows why?"

Rachel was confused. What brought this on? "Okay, so you don't like me. I'm not exactly your biggest fan. Why don't we just avoid each other as much as possible?"

Terra smirked, "Oh yeah, I'm sure you'd like that. Pushing me aside so you could be with them."

"I didn't say …"

"Of course you did. You want to push me aside because you think you're better than I am. You have a rich daddy and he can give you anything you want."

"My dad has nothing to do with this. He probably doesn't even like my friends but I don't care."

Terra scoffed, "Yeah, right, you're all about your daddy's approval. At least that's what Kitten said."

Hearing her former friend's name, Rachel's eyes narrowed. "Don't believe anything she says about me. She has her own reasons for spreading rumors about me."

"Really are they rumors? Cuz I heard our friends only have you around because the pity you."

"That's not true and you know it."

"You're pitiful, you that. I think they can sense how pathetic you are. They can sense you need to be accepted. Why is that? Is it because your daddy doesn't love you? Does he hurts poor little pathetic Rachel's feelings?"

Rachel yelled, "Shut up! You don't know what you're talking about."

Terra took a step back and faked surprise. "Ooo, would you look at that. Poor little Rachel's showing some emotion. I better watch out or she'll explode or something."

"Shut up! You don't know anything about me."

The blonde leaned forward, her blue eye filled with hatred. "Really? According to Kitten, you're mom's a real basket case. You'll probably end up just like her."

"Liar!" Rachel went for Terra, ready to fight. They shoved each other.

"Hey!" Vic called out. "Stop fighting!" The two girls stopped. Karen, Richard and Kori were with him. Vic stood between them and asked, "What's going on? Why are you two fighting?"

Terra looked up at him with large blue eyes. She looked like an innocent angel. "I don't know what's going on. I don't think Rachel likes me but I don't know why."

Rachel glared at Terra. She couldn't believe Terra was putting on this act and her friends might believe her. "She's lying. She started this."

Rachel stared in amazement as Terra's eyes filled with tears. "See, she doesn't like me. I don't know why? I've never done anything to her. I've always tried to be nice to her."

"Liar," growled Rachel.

Vic put his hand up between the two girls. "Okay, I think we need a time out. Everyone just needs a little space." He forced each of them to take a few steps back. Kori and Richard were by Terra while Karen and Vic stood near Rachel.

Kori tried to calm down Terra. Terra told her friends she'd be okay. Terra pulled out her phone and sent a text to somebody.

Karen and Vic were trying to find out from Rachel what was really going on. Rachel told them it was nothing. She was about to tell them she was sorry when her phone beeped, she had an incoming message. Checking her phone, she saw it was from Terra. Curious, she glanced at Terra before reading the message.

"Even Jason pities u. He's 1ly w/ u coz he thinks he shd B. U cnt giv him w I cn. W w%d u sA f I tld u I'd bn w/ yr bf. Hw pathetic."

Rachel read it once more. She couldn't believe what it said. Could Terra really have slept with Jason? She glanced at the blonde who smirked at Rachel.

Shaking, Rachel's blood was boiling. Could she be right? Rachel leapt towards Terra. "You bitch! You lying bitch!" Vic grabbed Rachel around her waist sending her dark hair flying forward. Rachel struggled to get out of his arms. "Let me go!"

"Not if you don't calm down. Can you do that?"

"Let me at that bitch!" Not getting the answer he wanted, Vic spun Rachel around and threw her over his shoulder. "Put me down! Now!"

Vic held tight to Rachel as she struggled. "Not doing, not till you calm down. I think you need some fresh air." He carried the writhing girl out the closest door.

"Okay, we're outside. Now put me down!"

"Not happening. You need to settle down. The more you struggle, the longer I hold you like this. The longer you keep making a scene."

Rachel looked around and saw everyone looking their direction. Admitting defeat, she let out a sigh and went limp.

"You gonna try and be calm?" He received a soft yes from the girl over his shoulder. Slowly and carefully, he set Rachel back onto her feet. "You okay, Rae? What's going on?"

Before she could say anything, Karen, Kori, Richard and now Gar showed up. Karen said, "Girl, what's your malfunction?"

"We are all friends and friends should not fight."

"Yeah," said Gar, "You'd you try to attack Terra like that?"

Rachel looked at them trying to decide what to say. They all looked like they want answers. Rachel wondered if they really wanted to know what happened or had they already made up their minds? Rachel didn't like or trust Terra but their friends did. Have they already sided with Terra?

Richard interrupted her thoughts, "Rachel?"

, 'Do they really want to know what happened or have they already made up their minds? I don't like or trust her but they do. Have they already sided with Terra?" Richard interrupts her thoughts, "Rachel?"

"It was nothing. Sorry." Rachel misread them. She thought they were angry when they were concerned. She repeated that she was sorry before leaving for her first class. As she walked down the hall, some students whispered about her. Rachel hated feeling everyone's eyes on her. She spent the rest of her day avoiding eye contact with anyone.

The last bell rang and the students poured out of the school. By now, everyone had forgotten about the fight between Rachel and Terra. Rachel rushed to her locker. She just wanted to get away from people; she was tired of everyone.

Rachel pulled out her phone. She looked through the contacts. She stared at one number. Rachel desperately wanted to call her mother. She wanted to talk about Jason. There was no one else she could talk to, not about what Terra hinted at Jason doing. Someone called out her name, causing her to jump.

It was Vic, Rachel put away her phone. "Hey, Rae. A bunch of us is going to get some ice cream. Wanna come?"

"No, I should probably go home."

He sighed, "C'mon, Rae, Terra's not gonna be there. She can't come so you don't have to worry about getting in another fight. Look, sorry about this morning. We heard what Terra said about your mom. That's just not cool."

Rachel shrugged, "Whatever, it doesn't matter."

Vic looked at his friend. She looked like she was worried. "Rae is there something wrong? It's more than just this morning. What's wrong?"

Rachel glanced up at Vic. He was like a brother to her. A part of her wanted to tell him that her father hits her. Maybe Vic could help. Maybe he could make the abuse stop. At the same time, she was ashamed. She didn't want anyone to know about it. For a moment, their eyes were locked, each searching for answers. Rachel looked away and said, "Um, I, I don't have any money."

Vic said, "That's okay. I have enough for both of us." Rachel still looked unsure. "How about I give you some money now so no one will know. Come on Rae, we just wanna have some fun."

Rachel shrugged her shoulders, "I guess it wouldn't hurt."

Vic smiled and he put his arm around her shoulder as they went to meet the others. Rachel called home and left a message that she'd be home later.

At the ice cream shop, everyone searched for his or her flavor. Rachel spotted one and smiled. "Ooh, they have dark chocolate blueberry."

Gar nudged her, "So that's your favorite?"

Her smile faded. She told the clerk, "I think I'll have a small cone of vanilla, please."

After getting his wild-berry-crunch soy-milkshake, Gar sat next to Rachel. He asked her, "So, if dark chocolate blueberry is your favorite then why'd you get vanilla?"

"I always get vanilla. Who said that other one was my favorite flavor?"

"You did. You're eyes lit up. You were kind of excited."

Rachel rolled her eyes, "It's just stupid ice cream. Nothing to get excited about."

Frustrated, Gar sighed. "Why do you always do that?" She looked at him confused. "Anytime somebody points out that you're having any fun; you get, I don't know, pissy. Why do you have to be so moody? Can't you just lighten up a little?"

Frowning, she muttered, "Maybe it was a bad idea, me coming here? I'll just ruin everyone's fun."

"Rachel …"

"Well, that's what I seem to do. That's basically what Terra said." She started to get up but Gar blocked her way.

"Rachel, don't go. Don't worry about Terra. We're your friends. We want to hang out with you. I wanna hang out with you. We just wanna have fun but you always seem moody. We're here having ice cream. How can you be mad about ice cream? I'm not saying you need to change, just like I said, lighten up some."

While Gar was speaking, Rachel stared at her ice cream. She had a memory of when she was a little girl. It was a happy memory - she was in the park with her parents eating ice cream; everyone was happy, everything was perfect. Rachel wished she could be like the little girl she used to be. "Sorry."

"I don't want you to be sorry. I just don't like my friends being down, specially on themselves. Will you stay?"

Rachel thought it over a moment. She nodded just as Gar took a bite of his soy-milkshake. Pleased, he smiled a berry-colored grin. "Boys." Rachel rolled her eyes and shook her head, but had a slight smile on her lips.

Laughing, Rachel was surprised she was actually enjoying herself as she listened to the stories the others told. She was glad she decided to stay. Rachel just listened and laughed softly. Things seemed normal and she lost track of time. She suddenly realized it was getting late. She was supposed to be home hours ago.

She quickly jumped up, "Sorry guys, I have to go. I needed to be home a long time ago."

Gar offered, "Do you want one of us to go with to make sure you get home safe?"

Rachel shook her head, "Thanks, but I need to go now. I'll be fine; it's not too far. See you guys later."

Rachel hurried home. The last few blocks she ran. By the time she got home, it was dark out. The house was dark. There was no sign of her father. Where was he?

Rachel set her backpack by the door. She turned on the lights. She jumped seeing her father sitting in the dark in the family room. Catching her breath she said, "You startled me. Why were you sitting in the dark?"

He simply said, "You're late."

"I'm sorry. I called and left a message that I was going to be with my friends."

"That's not good enough. You were to come home right after school today. I had set up a meeting for us to meet with your guidance counselor."

She repeated, "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

Trigon stood and took a step towards her. Worried, Rachel backed up. "Are you calling me a liar?" He knew there was no such meeting.

Rachel shook her head. "No, no I'd never do that." She could tell he was getting agitated. She searched for a way out. She didn't remember him mentioning any meeting but she couldn't say that. This mistake couldn't believe his fault, so it had to be hers. "I just didn't remember. I guess I forgot." She glanced to the door. Realizing she might run, he took a few steps and blocked the door. "I promise I won't let it happen again. I'm sorry."

He quickly closed the space between them. "You're right to be sorry." He struck her face. "NEVER call me a liar."

After brushing her hair off her face, her hand went up to her tingling cheek. Rachel stared at her father in disbelief. He'd hit her face only once and it wasn't that hard. She'd always assumed he didn't hit her face because the bruises would be too hard to hide. Rachel felt her skin swelling.

She backed away from him. Knowing she had to protect herself, she tried to think of anything that might help. Without taking her eyes off her father, Rachel's hand frantically searched the countertop behind her.

"What were you doing all this time?"

Her hand encountered something heavy.

Trigon continued to slowly advance. He was amused by his daughter's fear.

"We just talked."

"What did you tell them?

Rachel tried to keep the fear out of her voice. "N-nothing. I-I don't tell anyone anything. They talk, I just listen." She tried to ignore the throbbing of her cheek. As he got closer, she wrapped her hand around the handle of a skillet. She didn't want to hurt him; just scare him off.

Trigon snarled, "Liar. You probably told them what I do to you when you're disobedient. I don't like to do it," he sneered, "but you give me no choice."

He went to hit her again but Rachel swung the skillet. It hit him on the shoulder. They stared at one another in disbelieve. Neither one could believe she just did that.

"Bitch," he growled, "You'll pay for that."

Rachel tried to use the skillet as a shield but Trigon wrenched it from her hands. Terrified that he'd hit her with it, she cowered down. Instead, he threw the skillet across the room. The crash echoed in her ears.

Rachel backed up. She searched the kitchen for anything she could defend herself with. She was tired of the abuse. She wanted it to stop. Seeing the knife block, Rachel surprised herself. A knife? Really? She didn't want to hurt him. She just needed a chance to get out of there. She guessed she could toss the knife once she got away. Where would she go? Oh God! He was coming! Could Rachel do this?

In a split second decision, Rachel grabbed a knife. The tang of the blade leaving the wooden block resonated throughout the kitchen. Holding it in front of her, Rachel warned, "Stay back."

Trigon stopped in his tracks. "What the hell are you doing? Put that down."

Rachel warned again, "Stay back. Leave me alone." She slowly backed out of the kitchen with Trigon following her.

"You're crazy just like your damn mother."

Keeping her eyes on her father, she made her way passed the stairs, towards the door. She was almost there, just a few feet to go. The shrill ring of the phone broke the silence, distracting both of them for a second.

Rachel's concentration wavered some when Vic's voice came on the machine, "Hey, Rae, just checkin' …"

Trigon took that opportunity and grabbed her wrist, knocking the knife out of her hand. It clattered to the floor like the skillet. "You are no match for me little girl."

Struggling to free her wrist, Rachel searched for a way out.

"You know, it's wrong for a daughter to lie to her father." Trigon's voice was calm. He didn't sound angry at all. He spoke as if they were discussing what to get for groceries. Rachel was almost more terrified by his tone than by what he was saying. "I know you went to see that bitch. What did she tell you? What did that bitch, Angela say about me?"

How did he know? "I, I don't know …"

"Liar!"

Rachel's eyes grew wide with fear. She knew she had to get away from him. She slammed her body against his, throwing him off balance for a second. It was long enough for her to break free.

He blocked the door so she ran for the stairs. He ran after her. Having a longer stride, Trigon got to his daughter before she got to the stairs.

He grabbed her arm and shoved her into the wall.

"Stupid bitch! You'll pay for all your stupid little stunts." He hit her stomach, hard. Rachel doubled over in pain.

Rachel tried to get away but Trigon hurled her onto the staircase. The wind was knocked out of her.

Getting her breath back, Rachel tried to crawl away. Trigon towered over his injured daughter. He seemed to enjoy the fact that she was afraid and in pain. He also seemed amused that she thought she could get away from him.

Trigon grabbed Rachel, pulling her to her feet. He struck her face again. Rachel cried out as her lip split. He struck her again, harder that time. Rachel dropped to the floor. She covered her face, trying to protect herself.

"Get up!" he demanded. "Do what I say! You bitch! Get up!" Trigon grabbed Rachel by her hair and pulled her upright. Rachel cried out. It felt like he was pulling her hair out by the roots.

"You honestly think you can ever get away from me? I have power over you. I control everything about you. Never forget that!" He hit her with every sentence just to make his point. Rachel cried out in pain and surprise. Why was he hurting her like this?

Rachel tried to defend herself, to push him away. He roughly grabbed her left arm. His hand clamped onto her recently healed wrist, the wrist that had been broken. She screamed in pain.

Trigon threw his daughter like she was a rag doll, slamming her into the wall. Rachel cried out as her shoulder crashed into the mirror.

Rachel wondered if he'd kill her tonight. A part of her wished her would so she wouldn't go through anymore. But another part of Rachel wanted to survive. She knew if given the chance, she'd survive. She tried to get away. Even though she was in pain, she tried to dodge her father. But being in pain, Rachel moved slower than she wanted and was no match for her father.

He grabbed her and trapped her against the wall by pinning his arm across her shoulders and neck. She couldn't escape.

He got in her face and roared, "You're so worthless! Stupid! How could you be so stupid! You keep making the same stupid mistakes! You keep making me angry!"

Trembling, Rachel whimpered, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm…"

"Shut up!" he yelled. He grabbed her neck. Rachel gasped for air as he throttled her. Her fingers frantically dug at his hands, trying to break free. Her eyes were pleading for him to let her go.

Why didn't anyone hear her screams? Why didn't anyone come to rescue her? Why did her father hate her so much?

Fighting for air, Rachel whimpered, "Daddy …please …stop!"

Trigon loosened his grip on Rachel's throat. Still holding her, he pulled his free arm back. He positioned his fist to punch his daughter in the face. Rachel's eyes grew large with fear. Quickly, she squeezed her eyes shut. She tried to brace herself against the pain of her father's fist on her face.

"STUPID BITCH!" He slammed his fist into the wall next to Rachel's head. She cringed away from him.

Letting her go, Rachel dropped to her knees. Her breathing was shaky and she was in shock. She didn't want to make him angrier so she suppressed her tears.

Rachel cautiously put a hand to her face. When she pulled back her hand, she gasped seeing her blood on her hand. Hearing that, Trigon went over to his daughter. She automatically recoiled in fear.

Annoyed by her reaction, he repeated, "I control everything about you. I have power over you. Never forget that! You can never stop me. If you ever tell anyone about this I will give you a beating to end everything." Trigon looked around at the mess they've made. "I'm leaving. I want this mess cleaned up before I get back." He muttered to himself as he left, "Worthless bitch. She's just like her damn mother." He slammed both the front and the car doors. Rachel flinched each time.

Grateful to be alone, she wiped her bloody nose on her torn sleeve. She hoped it would stop soon. Trembling, she surveyed the damage. Most of it wasn't too bad. Rachel felt that she got the worst of it.

With trembling hands, Rachel pulled out her phone. The screen was cracked but it still worked. Wiping her bloody nose again, she made a call. She wasn't sure she should do this. Second guessing herself, she hung up. Deciding she needed to make this call, Rachel dialed again. No! Not the answering machine. Should she leave a message?

" … M-mom? Mom, I, I …need you. I need your …" Hearing a car in the driveway, Rachel started to panic. Was he home already? She hadn't done anything. She hadn't moved. He'd be so angry. Rachel was terrified. What would he do? What should, what could she do? She forgot she was on the phone. She whispered, "No. No, not again. Not more ..."

Remembering the phone, she ended the call. She didn't want her mother hearing her being beaten. Slowly, Rachel stood up. She didn't think she could handle going another round with her father. She didn't have a choice. If she didn't do something, Rachel was sure her father would kill her.

She wondered where that knife was. She didn't want to hurt him but she realized it was him or her. Rachel was tired of the abuse. She has tried to do and be what he wanted but it was never good enough. He made sure she felt that she wasn't good enough.

Trying to steady her breathing, Rachel knew she had to do something. Her father wasn't giving her a choice.


	20. Dead Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own the Teen Titans, Slipknot or these lyrics.

**"So when I got away, I only kept my scars  / The other me is gone /  Now I don't know where I belong …" – Dead Memories, Slipknot**

* * *

 

Angela and Raúl returned from a night out. It'd been a while since they'd been on a date. It'd taken awhile but Angela wasn't so anxious about her meeting with Rachel. Angela couldn't shake feeling paranoid. Someone was watching them that day. Angela was terrified her ex husband would cause problems for her new life.

It was just a simple date, dinner and a movie, but it felt good being close. They were going to continue their night at home. Angela got the glasses and wine while Raúl picked the music. Seeing one message on the phone, Raúl played it.

Silence. That annoyed Angela. She hated it when people didn't say anything on an answering machine. She thought it was rude. It's probably just a wrong number but it was still annoying.

"M-mom?" It's Rachel. What's wrong? After the way they parted, Angela was sure it'd be a while before her daughter contacted her. "Mom, I, I … need you. I need your …" Rachel went quiet. Angela thought she heard panic and uncertainty in her daughter's voice but she couldn't be sure. She didn't know Rachel that well anymore. What did Rachel need? Why did she suddenly go silent?

Except, Rachel wasn't completely silent. Angela and Raúl heard Rachel's rapid and shuddering breathing. She sounded like she was panicking, or scared. "No. No, not again. Not more …"

Angela and Raúl stared at one another. The call, the message ended. What happened?

* * *

 

In a panic, Rachel dropped her phone. The sound of plastic clattering on the floor startled her. She couldn't let him know she called her mother. Contacting her mother before, got her into so much trouble. Where did that knife go?

Seeing Laura come through the door, Rachel slumped back down to the floor. Relieved, the teen started breathing again. Rachel didn't even realize she was holding her breath. She was just glad the beating wouldn't continue.

Laura stood in the doorway for a moment. She was shocked to see Rachel's disheveled appearance. Of course, Laura knew about Trigon's temper but she never thought he'd take things this far. She rushed over to the girl. "What happened? What did you do this time?"

Rachel glared at the woman as Laura helped her stand. Of course, she'd assume it was her was fault.

"Never mind what happened. Let's get you cleaned up." Laura helped Rachel to the powder room.

When the lights turned on, Rachel flinched. The bathroom lights seemed too bright. She gasped seeing her reflection. Her long hair was in a tangled mess. Blood was smeared on her face because of her lip and nose. Both were swollen. She didn't think her nose was broken, at least she hoped it wasn't. Her left cheek was also red and swollen. A bad bruise was already forming. The cut on her forehead seemed to have stopped bleeding.

Rachel carefully sat on toilet seat. Everything hurt, even her hair. Then she remembered how he'd grabbed her by her hair. When Laura went to get an ice pack, Rachel studied her reflection. She hated seeing herself like this but how could she have stopped it?

As Laura tended to her boyfriend's daughter's injuries, Rachel's thoughts went back to a few weeks ago, when Slade had to help her. Why were things getting worse? How much more could she take?

The teen was relieved that Laura was helping her. At the same time, Rachel was embarrassed and ashamed. She didn't want anyone to know what happened to her. Maybe Laura was right to ask what she'd done to deserve this? Maybe it was her fault? If she'd been better, smarter, prettier, good enough, then maybe this wouldn't happen?

"What happened? What did you do this time?" Those were the same questions Laura had asked moments ago. If Rachel was bruised and bleeding, why was the beating her fault?

"I …I don't know."

"Well, you must have done something wrong. I know your father has a temper but he wouldn't do anything without a reason." Rachel looked at Laura, did she ever get the brunt of her father's temper and abuse? Rachel never saw bruises on his girlfriend but that didn't mean anything. Her father used to make sure the bruises were hidden. Could Rachel have an ally in Laura?

Rachel hissed when Laura placed the ice pack on her cheek. Her cheek stung and throbbed. Actually, her whole head throbbed. Laura continued to think out loud as she helped Rachel. "Did he find you with your boyfriend, you know, in a compromising position? Did he find out you two are having sex?"

"I'm not sleeping with Jason."

"Well then, maybe he discovered you were with someone else? Trigon wouldn't like you being with one of his colleagues or rather a subordinate / employee."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Did Trigon find out about your affair with Slade?"

"What!"

"I saw you two outside the restaurant the night we met. You two looked cozy together. You're sleeping with Slade, are you not? After all, you spent the night at his place."

"What! No. No! I'm not sleeping with him! I was there because …" Rachel didn't want to say what drove her to seek refuge at Slade's apartment. They both knew the reason. It was the same reason for Rachel's current condition. "Besides, I'm not sleeping with anyone. I never have."

"Really? I would've thought after that time in Hamilton, the night you were there with your boyfriend, that would've changed. Okay, so you say you're still a virgin, then why was your father so angry? Was he angry about you seeing your mother?"

How did Laura know about Rachel and Jason being in Hamilton? Yes her father had told this lady about his daughter but they hadn't met yet. There'd be no way she'd recognize the teen. How did she know Rachel saw her mother?

"H-how? How did you know about that? How would you recognize me without meeting me?"

"I wasn't there, but Slade mentioned that he saw you talking to your mother. He said he saw your there with your boyfriend. Guess we just assumed since you two stayed in a hotel room, that you were sleeping with him."

Slade saw her in Hamilton? He saw her there and told Laura about that? And Laura told Rachel's father? But why? Why would they do that?

"Why would you tell dad?"

"I thought your father needed to know. It was for your protection. Trigon said your mother was unstable. I didn't want you getting hurt."

That didn't work out, did it?

Wait. Slade told Laura that she was in a hotel room with Jason. She said they both assumed they were sleeping together. That would explain Slade's comment that night about her and her boyfriend. But how did he know they stayed at a hotel? Was he watching her? Rachel shuddered at that thought. She did not like the idea of Slade watching and following her.

Did he stay at the same hotel? Could he have been in the next room? Rachel felt her face getting warm. She and Jason had almost gone all the way. While they didn't have sex, they did a lot more than Rachel had done. It was a nice hotel but I wasn't soundproof. Could he have heard them? That thought horrified the teen.

"You're blushing. I can see that even through the bruises. You might not be sleeping with your boyfriend but you two did things that night. Don't worry, I won't tell your father about you two fooling around. You know, you can always come to me with any questions." Rachel stared at her. She didn't know if she could trust Laura. After all, she's the one who got this latest beating started.

Laura misunderstood Rachel's silence. "You must be tired. Let's get you to bed. A good night sleep should help you feel better."

Rachel leaned against Laura as they climbed the stairs. Trying to figure out Laura made Rachel's throbbing head hurt. Rachel felt uncomfortable unlocking her bedroom door. She didn't like anyone in her room. "Why do you lock your door? If you have nothing to hide, you shouldn't need to lock it."

"I don't know, I just do." Rachel wanted to shut the door on Laura then crawl into bed. But Laura insisted on helping her to her bed. Laura tucked her in. Rachel hated to admit it but she liked that. She missed having someone taking care of her.

Laura brushed aside some hair on Rachel's forehead. She looked down at the battered teen. "I'm sorry you got hurt. But you had to know seeing your mother was wrong. Otherwise, you wouldn't have been sneaking around. You know what sets off your father, so I'd think you'd be more careful." Laura smiled tenderly, in a caring way. "Don't worry about cleaning up downstairs. I'll take care of that. And I'll talk to Trigon but I can't stop him if you keep messing up. Only you have control over that. I like you and I wouldn't want anything to happen to you."

Rachel stared at the door after Laura left. She couldn't believe what Laura had said. Was she blaming her for her father hurting her? As quickly as her sore body allowed, Rachel got out of bed and locked the door. She didn't know how long her father would be gone but she did know she didn't want to see him or Laura. She was afraid to leave. She didn't know where she'd go if she did leave.

Wrapped in a blanket, she curled up on her bed. Rachel was so confused. Laura seemed to want to help and keep her safe. But then she did things that got things started. She seemed to blame Rachel for getting abused. Was Laura trying to get rid of her? Rachel still didn't know anything about Laura's daughter except that she wasn't in Laura's life. Did she want to send Rachel away?

Rachel had so many questions. She was so confused and scared. Now that she felt safe in her room, everything that had happened tonight hit her. She broke down crying. The house was quiet except for the sound of Rachel's quiet sobs.

Laura came upstairs and heard Rachel crying. She knew the teen was confused and hurting. A smile crept onto her lips as she looked at Rachel's door.

* * *

 

Trigon came home a few hours later. He turned on a light and looked around. There was no sign of a fight. He sighed, he didn't want to hurt his daughter but she made him so angry. If she'd stop making him angry, he'd stop hitting her. Angela has been gone for almost four years and Rachel had become such a handful. He did what he had to do to keep her under control. Sometimes, he didn't know what to do with her. If Rachel's mother was still here, well, then there would be two of them to control.

He decided to go check on Rachel. He went to open the door but it was locked. "Damn girl", he growled. He fiddled with the doorknob, breaking the lock. He saw her asleep in her bed. He left her room and went to get some sleep himself. Laura was already asleep. She must have seen Rachel. He wondered what Laura thought about it. He knew she couldn't stop him but would she turned him in? He didn't want to hurt Laura but he couldn't let her tell anyone. Trigon fell asleep wondered what to do to control the women in his life.

Trigon woke up a few hours later. Laura was already out of the house. She'd left a note that she'd be gone most of the day. That seemed innocent enough. He hoped she wasn't doing anything stupid and that she'd regret.

Again, he went to check on his daughter. She was still asleep. As he watched her sleep, he brushed aside a lock of her hair. He caught sight of the bruise on her cheek. He didn't realize he'd hit her so hard.

Trigon glanced around her room, he'd never been in her room before now. Seeing the drawings taped to the wall and the way the walls were painted, he didn't know she was into art. He realized he didn't know anything about his daughter.

Rachel groaned and stirred some. She was starting to wake up. Rachel started to move but everything hurt. In pain, she groaned.

Trigon said, "Finally, you're awake. Thought you'd be asleep all day. I don't have …"

Rachel's eyes flew open. What! He was in her room! How? She locked the door. She knew she locked the door. She always did. She was in a lot of pain but she locked it after Laura left. How did he get in here? Did he break the lock? He broke the lock! That meant he could enter her room whenever he wanted to. No! How could she stop him? How? She couldn't. She couldn't stop him. She could never stop him. Last night her father made that perfectly clear. Rachel knew she had to calm down. He was talking to her and she needed to listen. She knew it would just make him angry to know she wasn't paying attention to him. Calm down. She needed to calm down. She couldn't show fear.

Trigon continued, "You're so 'upset' after last night; I called the school. I told them you're sick. Since there's just two days left in this week and it's a three day weekend; you should be better by Tuesday."

Rachel hadn't moved a muscle, but she started to tremble. She knew he wanted a response. Trying to keep all emotions from her voice she stuttered, "Th-th-thank you." She mentally scolded herself for showing some fear.

Trigon smirked; he enjoyed knowing his daughter was afraid of him. "You don't leave the house and no one comes here, understand?"

Rachel quickly said, "Yes sir." Go! Leave! Just go away! Leave her alone! GO!

Trigon left, shutting the door with the now broken lock. Rachel was terrified of her father. If he could enter her room, then she wouldn't have a safe place to hide away from him. She didn't move until she heard her father's car leave the driveway.

She started to get up, but cried out in pain. Her side hurt. She didn't realize it before but it hurt every time she breathed. Rachel groaned painfully. She's in pain with every breath. What if her father broke a rib or punctured her lung? She lay back down. She was in so much pain. She tried not to cry, even though she scared and in pain. Trying to breathe normally, Rachel soon fell asleep again.

The ringing phone woke Rachel. She heard the answering machine come on. She couldn't tell what the message was. Rachel had no idea what time it was. She noticed she was a little hungry. Gingerly, Rachel got out of bed. Her alarm clock read two-seventeen. She was surprised she slept so long. She felt like a wreck.

Slowly, Rachel went downstairs. Every step, actually every breath was painful. She saw herself in a mirror. She looked awful. She was glad she was able to stay home from school. There was no way she could have hidden this. There was a cut on her forehead. Her cheek was reddish-purple and swollen, as was her lip. She was startled to see the ring of discoloration around her neck. She shuttered remembering her father's hands around her throat.

In the kitchen, she got herself some toast, a glass of apple juice and ibuprofen. She also grabbed an ice pack and held it to her cheek. She had to get the swelling to go down. While eating, Rachel checked the answering machine. She scowled hearing Vic's voice come on the machine. It was from last night. "Hey, Rae, just checkin' to make sure you got home alright. See ya tomorrow."

There was one for her father. Rachel skipped it. She didn't need to hear anything that had to do with him.

Another one was from Kori. Kori's chipper but concerned voice came on the machine. "Hi Rachel. How are you feeling? We hope you are not too sick. I will get your homework assignments. Hope you feel better soon. Bye." Despite feeling awful, Rachel smiled to herself.

The following message was from Gar. "Hey Rae-chel. Hope you're feelin' better. If you need anything just let us know." Over his shoulder, he called out, "I'm talkin' to Rae. Okay, I'm coming. Sorry, Rae, gotta get to class. Feel better." Rachel slowly shook her head. Gar was sweet but dorky.

The fifth message was also for her father about work. It was from Slade. Rachel involuntarily shuddered. Why did he have to be interested in her?

The final message was from Kori again. "Hi Rachel, it is me again. I forgot to tell you I would be over to your house a little after six. I hope that is okay. If it is not, give me a call. Hope you feel better soon. Toodle-oo." Rachel sadly smiled at Kori was enthusiasm. A part of her wished she could go back to being like that.

Rachel jumped when Laura came home. At first, she was afraid it was her father. She tried to calm her nerves.

"You look awful." Gee, thanks. "How are you feeling?"

Rachel started to shrug but winced in pain. "It, it hurts to breathe."

"Hmmm, wonder what that means. Have you taken anything?"

Rachel nodded, "Ibuprofen, about a half hour ago."

Laura tried to figure out what to do. "Have you looked that up online?"

Rachel shook her head. She was too afraid to that. She was afraid of what she'd discover. On some sites, looking up what to do prevent hangnails could lead to a terminal illness. If something that simple could be blown out of proportion, then what would something more serious become?

Laura decided check out the internet. "Did you hear anything crack when you, um, fell?"

"No, I don't think so."

"Okay, do you feel a protrusion or a gap in your ribs?"

"I don't know, it's tender and hurts to breathe."

"Okay, you don't have to snap at me." She looked some more online. "Well, it seems like your ribs are either bruised or broken, maybe just cracked?" Rachel didn't like any of those options. Neither one knew what to do. Though, they both knew Rachel couldn't go to the hospital.

"Get changed. You can't go anywhere with your shirt bloody and torn."

Rachel had forgotten about her ruined shirt. She was a little disgusted to know she slept in it. "Where are we going?"

"I know a doctor who owes me a favor. Don't worry, he won't say anything to anyone. Do you have sunglasses? Never mind, you can wear mine."

Rachel was very skittish and self-conscious exiting the house. She didn't want anyone to see her like this. She made sure her hood was up and the sunglasses were secure on her face. In the car, she scrunched down in her seat the best she could, at least, how far her injuries would allow her. Whenever they came to a stoplight, Rachel looked down at her lap. She didn't want to risk anyone seeing her. The whole time, Laura chatted as if the two were going on a shopping trip and Rachel wasn't bruised and hurting.

At the doctor's house, Laura did all the talking. Rachel just nodded or shook her head. She groaned when he examined her ribs but she didn't think she said a word through the whole doctor's visit.

Rachel wondered what kind of doctor would treat a battered teen but not tell authorities. He didn't even ask what happened to her, not that she'd tell the truth if he did. Trigon had conditioned his daughter to lie about the source of her injuries.

When Rachel and Laura got home, Rachel was exhausted. She went to bed. It turned out Rachel's ribs were bruised. There wasn't much that could be done about that other than ice packs, ibuprofen and time. The doctor told her she needed to breathe normally. If she took only shallow breaths then she could be at risk for an infection or other problems with her lungs.

Rachel woke up to raised voices. Her father and Laura were arguing. It sounded like her father didn't like that Laura took her to a doctor. Trigon growled and roared but Laura seemed to give it right back to him. Rachel feared Laura would receive the same reaction that she did. She hated waiting for the sound of her father's hand hitting Laura but it never came. Instead, there was silence. Were they done fighting? Rachel wondered why she was the only one her father hurt.

A half hour later, Trigon knocked on Rachel's door. He waited a second before entering. He seemed surprised that she was awake but lay there listless. He looked her curled up in bed. The bruise on her cheek was dark and ugly. He hesitated a second. Again, he didn't realize he'd hit her so hard. Maybe Laura was right to take his daughter to a doctor? Without asking, he sat on the bed.

"Um, are you, uh, okay? Laura said she took you to a doctor."

"Don't worry, I didn't say anything."

Trigon studied his daughter a moment. This wasn't the way things should be. He tenderly and caringly rubbed her shoulder. He was concerned. She should be more careful. He didn't want her getting seriously hurt.

His actions surprised Rachel and confused her. He did this to her. He hurt her. Now he was worried about her? What about before his hand made contact with her? What about before he dug that glass into her arm? What about before he said mean, belittling things to her? He'd never shown concern before. Why was this time so different? Was it because he could see what he'd done to her? Rachel resisted the urge to roll her eyes. She'd never understand him.

"I'm okay. You don't have to worry about me." Not that you ever did.

He didn't know whether or not to believe her. He studied her a moment before leaving. Rachel let out a shaky breath of relief. She just wanted to be left alone.

A little after six, Rachel heard the doorbell ring. It was Kori with Rachel's homework. Rachel heard another voice. It's Vic. Worried, Rachel frowned. They've both had a glimpse of her father's temper. Did they suspect anything? If they did, what would happen?

Rachel carefully got out of bed. Quietly opening her door, she went to the hall. She overheard Laura meeting her friends then saying she had to go out of town but she'd be back sometime tomorrow. What was that about?

Kori asked if they could see Rachel for a moment. Trigon told them she was sleeping. He thanked them for bringing the homework. She heard her friends say they hoped she felt better soon.

Rachel went to the window at the end of the hall. She watched them get in the car. Don't leave her. Please don't leave her. Rachel couldn't help but feel like she was in one of her childhood storybooks. She felt like she was trapped in a castle with an ogre and a witch guarding her. Rachel leaned her forehead against the cool glass as she watched them drive away. As she strained to see the last of Vic's car, she whispered, "Don't leave me."

Rachel backed up until her back touched the wall. She slid down along the wall until she was seated. Silently, Rachel cried. She was trapped, alone and afraid. No one would ever know what she's gone through. No one would help her. She didn't know why he hurt her. She used to love him as a daughter should. But he didn't seem to want that. He seemed to crave her anxiety, her fear. Well, he definitely got that. Not that Rachel wanted him to know how much she feared him.

Rachel was also weary of Laura. Why did her father's girlfriend seem to help her one moment then go against her the next? Was she crazy? Was that why she didn't have her daughter?

Was Rachel going crazy like her mother? She wasn't paranoid, was she? They were the ones hurting her. Then why did they act hurt by Rachel's injured appearance? She was so confused. Nothing seemed real. Was this the new normal?


End file.
